All credit goes to Annie Proulx who brought our boys into existence through the power of her amazing mind and talent.
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
To Shoulder a Burden
Ennis was getting home from the ranch, one in a long line of ranches and odd jobs that he had taken in order to survive. He had stumbled through this day as he had every day for the last four years…ever since he and Jack had that big argument. Ranch hands and foreman often thought he was just slow in the head because he'd be doing something and just stop and stare into the distance. He'd forget what he was told. He talked to no one unless it was directly pertaining to his job or pay. He wasn't slow. He was in one long, never-ending spell of grief.
His days were grey, his nights tortured with dreams of Jack. He had no friends and his relationship with his daughters was strained. He had let himself go and didn't really care. Somewhere up ahead on the line of his life, this pain would end. He wouldn't hasten that day but neither would he be sorry when it happened.
For awhile after he got back from his last trip with Jack, he had thought that everything would be fine. Jack always came around. Some things had been said but, like Ennis was capable of doing, he soon pushed them down and away from his consciousness. He had convinced himself that Jack would come back. He would have to…wouldn't he?
But the longer he waited, the more he felt that this was it. Jack had quit him…finally. The thing he had not wanted to see or acknowledge had come to pass. His slow spiral down had started with that realization.
He had sent Jack cards, often and frantically, when he had missed the November meeting that first year but never received any in return. He had sent one recently but held only the barest of hopes that it would be answered.
Sending these cards was the only link he had to Jack, the only tangible thing that he could do to keep Jack in his life…so he just kept sending them, not wanting to admit that it was finished between them. But the day was fast approaching when he would have to accept that Jack was gone from his life and he'd never see him again. He just couldn't hold on to this vanishing hope much longer.
He had pulled up to his trailer…neglected and dirty on the outside and in. He had stopped looking at things like that consumed as he was with the loss of Jack.
As he walked up to the trailer, he checked his mailbox…a small, tiny part of him always hoping that there would be some word from Jack inside…and there never was.
Except for today.
He had pulled out his mail, bills mostly, and only half-glanced at them. His eyesight the way it was, he couldn't have read them anyway. He went inside, tossed the mail on the bed, took his hat and boots off and poured himself some whiskey. He walked over and turned on the little radio that was his only form of entertainment. With the faint sound of country music and static playing in the background, he walked over to look at the mail.
He reached for his glasses…the ones his daughter insisted he get a couple of summers back. Grabbing the few pieces of mail he had received, he started to look through them. Bill, trash, bill…Mr. R.J. Twist! Ennis' hand froze, his brain not understanding what his eyes were reading, his heart clenched up on him. He looked at the address seeing that it said Childress, Texas and looked again at the name. R.J. Twist. Those weren't Jack's initials but he remembered Jack had said he named his son Robert John…the John being his father's name and his own name, though he had always gone by Jack.
This was Bobby.
Ennis' hand started to shake along with the rest of his body. He was thinking that somehow Bobby had got his address and was writing to tell him that Jack had died. That could be the only reason Bobby would contact him, right?
He sat on his bed for a long while, as the sun began to set and the wind whistled underneath the trailer…unable to gather the courage to open and read whatever news the letter carried.
He sat for so long that nighttime had come and the trailer was dark. He finally reached over and turned on his one lamp.
He laid the letter down and stood up, a little shaky, to pour him some more whiskey. He stood at the sink not knowing what to think or how to handle what he thought would be the worst news he could read.
He began to think of Jack and many of the memories that he had stuffed down deep inside over the last couple of years to maintain his sanity came rushing to the surface. He gripped the counter trying to ride the tide of feelings that were threatening to overwhelm him…telling himself, "You don't know what it says…you don't."
The country music kept on playing. The wind kept on blowing.
Finally he walked back over to the bed and picked up the letter before his courage failed him completely. It was typewritten and was on letterhead paper. Opening it he read:
Dear Mr. del Mar,
My name is Bobby Twist. I'm sure you know who I am. My Daddy must have spoken of me over the long time the two of you were friends.
I don't want to drag this out because I know this must be difficult for you but I need, first, to tell you that I am aware of what you mean to my father and I have no problem with your relationship with him.
I have known of you for a long time now. Often, when I was just a child, my Daddy would tell me stories of his rodeo days, of things he did when he was young. But he also spoke of his times in the mountains and of the fun that the two of you used to have. I feel like I've grown up around you.
There are many things that I could talk to you about but right now my Daddy needs your help.
Ever since he came back from his last fishing trip with you, things have not been good. He and Mom got a divorce. It was very messy. He moved out to a little house north of town. He got some money from the divorce so was able to stay afloat for awhile. But as time passed, he stopped working, drank heavily, and got more and more depressed. I was still in school then and tried to help him as best as I could but it wasn't enough. My Mom of course wouldn't raise a finger.
Last year, he was hospitalized for a time because he had started to behave irrationally. He was hearing voices and seeing things that weren't there. We believe this was caused by the depression and the drinking. He was put on medication. The doctor told him he couldn't drink anymore and he was doing better for awhile. But recently, even with the medication, he has been doing poorly.
Please believe me when I say, I would have written long before now but did not have an address or know where you lived. When I got your card just the other day, I noticed that you said you had sent many over the last four years. Mr. del Mar, neither I nor my father have seen any of these cards. It is, of course, my belief that my mother simply threw them away as she received them…I guess to punish my father. If I had been able to see even one of them to get your address, I would have written much sooner.
If you still love my father and can make it to Childress, he could surely use your help. Nothing else is working now for him and you are my last hope. He has no friends and, I firmly believe, is simply waiting for the end to come.
I hope you will consider my request, Mr. del Mar. I feel that, more than the medication and hospitals, he needs you. I know he loves me as a father loves a son but you hold a different spot in his heart and I think this is the part that is giving up.
My mother died last year and I have inherited the business and property, so am well set financially. I am enclosing some money should you need help with traveling expenses. There is a map showing directions to the house once you get to Childress. I would have come up in person but there would be no one to take care of my Dad.
Please let me know if there is anything else I can do to help you get here.
With all respect,
Bobby Twist
Ennis' hands were shaking so badly now that the letter and the $500 Bobby had sent simply slipped to the floor. He reached up to pull his glasses off and dropped them to the floor also. He put his hands to his face and cried for a very long time.
ooooooooooooooooooo
Ennis had slept very little that night given the news he had just received. His thinking kept going back to the fact that Jack hadn't known he had been writing to him. That the pain each was suffering was because both thought the other had moved on…Lureen's deceit.
He hadn't drank anymore knowing that he would need all his faculties when he got to Childress but the lack of sleep made his head fuzzy. He figured he'd do coffee on the way there and, if needed, stop for a nap.
His brain was trying to run in too many directions at once and it took him longer to get out of his trailer than he had wanted. He put on his best shirt and jeans, combed his hair, brushed his teeth…and found himself leaning, frozen, on the sink memories coming to him in waves.
He was still stunned by the letter and the news that Jack was alive, though not doing well. He would alternate between being ecstatic that he would be able to see Jack and desolate that Jack was in such pain. In there was mixed a fiery rage at Lureen for keeping him and Jack apart. Guess it was best that she was already dead.
Ennis drove to the ranch to ask his boss for some time, didn't get it of course, so quit his job. He took some of the money that Bobby had sent…reluctantly since he didn't like taking anything from anyone…and had some work done on the truck along with a new set of tires. There was no way, he would have made it to Childress without these repairs.
As he drove out of Riverton and came to the road that would take him to the interstate, he froze. He sat there thinking how his life was getting ready to take a radical turn. How it had been slowly in decline all these years but here this miracle had sprung up from nowhere and everything would be different. His eyes teared up and he swiped with his shirt sleeve to wipe them off. "No sense getting too far ahead of yourself, cowboy," he thought. "Just stick to the drivin', take it as it comes." He tried not to think what would happen if Jack didn't want to see him.
He pulled onto the road and headed in the direction of Childress.
ooooooooooooooooooo
The trip for Ennis was very difficult. More than once he had to pull over to the side of the road for fear he would be sick right there in his truck. He would stop to get coffee but his hands shook so bad that he couldn't drink it.
At one little hole-in-the-wall truck stop restaurant, he was sitting in the booth staring out the window. He had finally calmed his nerves enough to drink his coffee and have a little pie to eat. Unknown to him, the waitress…an older country woman, her face showing the years of hard life, the eyes showing wisdom in the ways of people…had been watching him.
After Ennis had finished his coffee and cake, she walked over with the coffee pot to refill his cup. He thanked her and looked back out the window. She sat down in the booth with him…nobody else was in the restaurant. His innate distrust of people kicked in and he started to get up and leave when she reached over and laid her hand on his.
"Calm yourself, son. It's plain that you're in pain. Don't rightly know the exact nature of it…and don't need to…but you pay attention to what I got to say to you now." She looked Ennis straight in the eye and he found he couldn't look away. "God don't give us no burden greater than we can carry. You remember that, child. In the days to come you'll need to stand up and take on yourself that burden, ya hear? You may find it ain't so heavy a burden as all that." She patted his hand and smiled at him.
Ennis could only stare and wonder that a stranger had shown another stranger such a kindness. His eyes teared up a little and he settled back into the booth. He thanked her, stared down at his coffee and sat with her in silence for a little bit…her hand still on his.
ooooooooooooooooooo
Jack had returned from his last trip with Ennis. He was still furious over the argument and the things said…on both sides. How did he let that get so out of control? So much had come out, things that had needed to be said for years. But it got dumped between them all at once…and all in anger. Both had been hurt, each had hurt the other.
The next couple of months had not gone well in the Twist household. Jack couldn't get it together. He argued with Lureen, was short with Bobby, and L.D. didn't dare come by anymore after Jack had physically thrown him out of the house. After one particularly bad blowup with Lureen, he told her he wanted a divorce…and why.
As is typical for Texas, she got virtually everything and he got enough to leave.
After the divorce, his rage dissolved and revealed the sadness and loss that had fueled it to begin with. He got a job but his heart and mind were elsewhere, so couldn't keep it. He got another one but couldn't keep that one either. He tried again…
Lureen continued to get the mail and would save his up and send it with Bobby each week. He hoped and prayed that he would receive something from Ennis but never did. And the cards he sent came back "Undeliverable". After the second or third card, he gave up.
After two years, Jack started telling Bobby about Ennis…the real story about them. Bobby had kinda figured it out already but knew his father needed to say these things. Now Bobby knew why his father was so unhappy. He tried to get him to go look for Ennis, but he'd always say no, Ennis had moved on and he didn't know where he was.
Jack started drinking heavily. Still tried to keep jobs but couldn't. Lureen didn't know that the money from the job that Bobby had was going to help buy food and such for his father.
Near the end of the third year, Bobby began to notice that his father was talking to himself a lot and looking off at things that Bobby couldn't see. He'd be walking through the house and suddenly turn and call for Ennis, like he was in the next room. It wa always devastating for his father to realize that Ennis wasn't there.
Sometimes he would jump out of his chair and back up across the room, his face white, saying that Ennis had just walked by the door. Or he'd sit by himself and lean forward as if talking quietly to someone.
Shortly after these episodes started, he was hospitalized for awhile to put him on medication for depression. Bobby had demanded this of his mother. The first time he had ever stood up to her.
For a number of months he had been doing better. He wasn't drinking near as much. He was talkative and smiled occasionally. With Bobby's help, he had cleaned his small house and occasionally would go out to eat with him.
But in the last two months, he had started getting more difficult and would refuse to take his medicine. When Bobby went out there now, he would hardly talk and it was difficult to get him to eat.
Jack didn't know that Lureen had been throwing out the cards Ennis sent all these years. Ennis had even called once but Lureen told him she didn't know where Jack was anymore. Jack didn't know that all his pain could have been avoided.
Lureen died from a cancer that was diagnosed one week and took her four weeks later. Bobby had inherited everything. He was a very rich man now. Even so his father wouldn't let Bobby help him. He tried to bring him to the main house but he refused. He said there were too many memories there. He managed to get him in a better home but that was pretty much all Jack would let him do. Bobby was at a loss.
Then he got the card from Ennis. It had said:
Jack,
Hope you're well. Keep sending cards but still never hear from you. I miss you, Jack. Write me if you would.
Ennis
Bobby was taken completely by surprise. All he could think was, "Here's the answer."
Bobby didn't tell his father that Ennis had been writing all this time. He wanted to talk to Ennis first and didn't want to disappoint his father should Ennis not be able or not want to come up here.
He wrote him that same day.
ooooooooooooooooooo
Ennis got to Bobby's house late in the evening of the next day, an hour or so before sunset. After he pulled up, he found he couldn't get out of the truck. He sat there gripping the wheel, numb and kinda brain dead. He was so distraught over the time lost between him and Jack that he could barely see. Luckily, Bobby happened to walk by the front window and noticed a strange truck in the driveway. He came walking out.
Ennis saw Bobby approach and felt his body tighten up. If he thought he'd had the strength to get out of the truck that was now all gone.
Bobby looked so much like Jack when they had met on Brokeback that it took his breath away. He was wearing jeans, a starched shirt, a big belt buckle (maybe one of his father's) and no hat. He had that tight body, piercing gaze, black hair and smile of Jack's. Something in the way he walked was different, confidence maybe, and Ennis thought that might be some of his mom. Powerful memories surged up in Ennis' mind of Jack at that age. He couldn't take his eyes off of him. Bobby walked up to the driver's side window.
"You must be Mr. del Mar. I'm Bobby Twist." He extended his hand. Ennis could only stare. He saw a little of what must be Bobby's mom in his face but the whole rest of him was Jack. He finally realized that Bobby was standing there with his hand in the window and shook it.
"You look just like your father…well, like he looked long ago," was all he could say.
"Yes, sir, I get that a lot. And I'm right proud of it, too. Why don't you come inside, Mr. del Mar. You've had a long drive."
"Ennis."
"I'm sorry?"
"Ennis. You can call me Ennis." Bobby smiled that beautiful smile of Jack's, "Okay, Ennis," and led the way into the house.
It was a large house, manicured lawn, lots of property. Ennis had never been in a home this nice. Bobby asked him if he would like something to drink…some coffee maybe, a soda? Ennis said that coffee would be fine. Bobby asked him to have a seat.
The furniture was new and the house looked like it had been recently renovated. It still smelled of fresh paint. It was a beautiful home and seemed to just wrap itself comfortably around Bobby as he walked through it. Ennis noticed that Jack had never been this comfortable with himself when he was that young…neither of them. Bobby seemed assured and confident…again, Ennis thought that must be his mother.
"Here's your coffee….Ennis. Sorry, it's gonna take me a minute to get used to calling you by your first name. My Dad always called you that but made sure I called you Mr. del Mar. He was proper that way." Ennis smiled a little, because the Jack he knew wasn't proper no way.
"I hope your drive wasn't too difficult. I know it's a long way from here."
"No, just havin' to look at the same old countryside for mile after mile. Gets kinda dull after awhile."
"You don't know how happy I am that you were able to come to see Daddy. As I said in the letter, if I had known you'd been sending cards all these years, I would have contacted you much sooner…I could have done something sooner," then quietly, "for the both of you."
"Son, you had no way of knowin', if what you say is true, and your Momma was throwin' all them cards away." Ennis felt a moment of hatred towards her but it was not appropriate to let anything like that show given it's her son that sat in front of him.
"I understand, Ennis, but I also know you and my father both would not be in this situation if she had not acted the way she did."
"You said in your letter that you knew about…your father and me…" Ennis looked down at his coffee, not knowing how to proceed now that he had said this.
"Yes, sir. Like I said, he used to tell me stories about the two of you, about the things that you used to do and the pranks you would play on each other. His favorite was the summer on Brokeback. When I got older…long after I had heard this story many times and had come to realize what you meant to him…I would ask him to tell it to me again. His eyes would light up and he'd drift off in his mind and relive those moments. He would always end it with, "He's a good man, Bobby. A real good man. We could all learn a thing or two from him. I hope you get a chance to meet him sometime." Ennis flicked a quick glance at Bobby to see if he was serious, and seeing that he was, just hung his head, speechless at this revelation of Jack's view of him.
"My father is a kind and gentle man, Ennis." In Ennis' mind he could only agree. "He was always good to me no matter what was happening around here. Who he loves is not important to me, as long as he loves someone. I think that someone is you."
Ennis was awed by the insight and depth of this young man sitting here. "You do your Daddy proud, Bobby." Ennis told him. Now it was Bobby's turn to lower his head for a moment.
"Can we go see him?"
Looking back up, he said to Ennis, "Yes, sir, but I need to let you know that he's not the man you knew then. He has had a difficult time and it shows. I just don't want you to be surprised when you see him."
Ennis nodded, placed his coffee cup down, and picked up his hat. He stood up and he and Bobby went out to the car to go see Jack.
ooooooooooooooooooo
It was only about 30 minutes to Jack's house but for Ennis it was an eternity. His mind kept wandering into all kinds of anxious places and he found that he couldn't stuff all of it down and get it out of the way. It played out right there in front of him…what would he say, how would he act, would Jack want to see him, what do you mean he's not the man he used to be?
They pulled up in the drive and Ennis saw that the house, while neat on the outside, had an aura of disuse about it. Bobby had someone take care of the lawn and a maid come by to clean the house and cook, but his father didn't notice either one for the most part.
Ennis thought for sure that he could feel Jack from here in the car and, like Bobby said, he wasn't the same. All he could feel was desperate sadness and pain. This made it even harder for him to get out of the car.
Bobby saw this and reached over to put his hand on Ennis' shoulder. "Ennis, it's going to be okay. I'll be there if anything really bad happens. He wants to see you. I know it in my heart, Ennis. It's you that he misses." Bobby reached over and opened his door, so Ennis did the same.
They both walked up to the front door. Bobby knocked. When no one answered he walked on in. He said that his father was likely out back on the patio. They walked through the house to the sliding door. Jack was sitting in a folding chair on the patio with a blanket around his shoulders, his back to the doors. Only the patio light was on. Ennis stood there turning his hat round and round in his hands, clearly nervous.
Bobby said, "Ennis, let me go talk to him first." Ennis thought that was a great idea and stood at the opening of the sliding doors.
Bobby went over to his father and squatted down in front of his chair. "Hey, Daddy." Jack looked up. Bobby was the only one he acknowledged nowadays. "Daddy, there's someone here to see you. You have a guest."
Jack stared at him, "Don't wanna talk to no one."
"Daddy, come on inside now. I know that you'll want to talk to him, okay?" Bobby knew that his father would continue to sit there so he stood up and pulled on his hands to get him to stand.
"Damnit, Bobby, I don't wanna talk to no one." Bobby stood there with his father.
"Daddy, Ennis is here."
Jack stood frozen for a moment. Then quickly turned and locked eyes with Ennis. Ennis could see the dark circles under his eyes, his hair every which way, stubble from not shaving. He saw how his clothes hung on his once muscular frame. It was all Ennis could do to stand there and not jump at him to hold him, to never let him go. Ennis could see Jack's mind trying to catch ahold of who was standing there. He wasn't prepared for what happened next.
Suddenly, a moaning sound of utter disbelief came from Jack and he jumped back against Bobby, throwing the blanket away, and stumbling backwards over the folding chair. He landed on the patio but scrambled up and out into the yard.
Ennis had stepped out without thinking to catch Jack but stopped. Bobby ran after his father.
He caught up with Jack and stood there, Jack standing with his back to Ennis, holding his head in his hands. Ennis could hear him saying, "It's not real. It's not real. It's another one of those damn hallucinations."
Bobby was saying to him that no, it was real. Jack kept denying that. Bobby stayed calm and kept saying, "It's alright. It's alright. He's real, Daddy. He came to see you. Come on to the house." Ennis could hear Bobby use the same words and calming tone that Jack had used on him more than once.
Jack kept saying, "No, no, no…" Bobby was talking to him softly so as not to excite him anymore, to calm him down like you would a frightened horse.
Jack leaned close to Bobby and Ennis heard him say, in a soft, plaintive voice, "But he don't love me no more, Bobby. He don't want me no more. Why would he be here?"
"That's not true, Daddy. He loves you very much. He sent cards to you all these years but Momma threw them away. He tried to contact you for a long time now. He wants to see you, Daddy."
Bobby looked up at Ennis over Jack's head, pleading with him to help.
Ennis was devastated seeing the man he loved in this state. He walked out, righted the folding chair and put his hat down on the seat, the words of the waitress coming to him, "God don't give you no burden you can't carry." He stood straight and said to himself, "I'll carry us both now." He walked out to get Jack.
ooooooooooooooooooo
Jack was still standing with his back to him mumbling that "it can't be true, it can't be true". Bobby stepped away from his father.
Ennis came up to Jack and gently put his arms around him from behind like he had that one time on Brokeback. He could feel Jack trembling violently now.
Ennis said quietly in Jack's ear so as not to startle him away, "Jack, little darlin', it's me, Ennis. I've come to get ya, bud. I've come to get ya."
"It ain't him," Jack said between sobs. " It can't be him. I told him all those things and he left me and he ain't comin' back. I know that. It can't be him, he don't love me no more." Jack started crying. Ennis just kept on holding him. Now Jack had reached up and was holding Ennis' arms.
"Jack, sshh, now. It's okay, baby. It's me, Jack, for real. Ssshhh, now, come on turn around now, Jack. Come on, look at me."
Ennis quietly and gently began to turn Jack to face him. When he was turned around, Jack had his eyes closed and was mumbling, "just another lie, just another lie," like a mantra.
Ennis put both his hands on either side of Jack's face. Jack suddenly went very still and quiet, there was a hitch in his breathing.
"Jack, look at me. Open your eyes and look at me, Jack." But Jack was too scared.
"No, no, please…no." So long he had seen things and heard things that weren't true that now he didn't know what to trust.
Ennis saw he wouldn't look at him, so chose to show him another way. He leaned in and tenderly kissed Jack. Once again, Ennis was not prepared for what happened.
All Jack said was "Oh, God!" and dropped right where he stood. Ennis just barely caught him to keep him crashing to the ground. He knelt with Jack, holding him in his arms. Jack had passed out.
ooooooooooooooooooo
Bobby had Ennis put his father in his bed. He was startled at how little Jack weighed. They placed an afghan over his legs and went back into the kitchen. Bobby said he'd check in on him in a minute but wanted to talk to Ennis first.
They went back into the kitchen. Bobby didn't even ask Ennis what he wanted to drink but hauled out one of his father's whiskey bottles and a couple of glasses and sat with him at the table.
Bobby said to Ennis, "I'm sorry, Ennis. I had hoped that would go better than it did."
"Don't you apologize, Bobby. You done right by your Dad. Can't say I'd wanna know where he'd be right now without you." Ennis saw Bobby now in a whole new light and was feeling a deep respect for this son of the man he loved.
Ennis slugged back his whiskey and poured another. Bobby sipped on his.
"This must be really difficult for you, Ennis. I can't even begin to imagine." Bobby sat and looked at his drink.
Ennis felt comfortable enough now with Bobby to say, "Your father…Jack…means more to me than anyone in this world, Bobby. He always has and, till the day I die, always will. I didn't know how much longer I was gonna be able to hold out without seeing him. I don't know…." Ennis dropped his head and took a moment. "Your letter was a miracle, Bobby…for me and your dad."
Bobby sat for a moment, looking away from Ennis, his hand to his mouth…and then started crying. Ennis shifted to the chair next to Bobby and put his hand on his shoulder to reassure him. With a visible effort, Bobby began to calm some.
"I'm sorry, Ennis. It's just been so long and I thought my Daddy would never get better. I thought I'd have to put him in the ground sooner than later." He looked straight at Ennis, "I owe you everything for your help." Ennis couldn't find the words to express how he felt to this little man who was so humble and caring. Again, he found himself feeling pride and love for him as if he was his own son.
"I'm gonna go in and check on Daddy now." Ennis sat at the table holding his whiskey. Abruptly he tossed it off. Alone now, holding his glass and he thought about how much had changed in the last couple of days…and the unbelievable knowledge that Jack was alive and here close to him.
ooooooooooooooooooo
"Daddy," Jack called. There was no response. Bobby went around the bed since his father was facing away from him. When he got there he saw that his father was awake but had been crying for awhile.
Bobby sat on the bed. "Daddy, it's okay."
His father looked at him, sadness plain to see in his eyes. "It seemed so real. It was like I could feel his hands on my face." He raised his hands to his face and then his lips. "I could feel when he kissed me. But it was just a dream. It was just another dream."
Bobby slid off the bed and knelt on the floor so his face was even with his father's. He brushed the hair out of his father's face, then took his hand to hold, "No, Daddy it wasn't a dream. Ennis is here. He's sitting in the kitchen. He and I have been talking. He didn't know you weren't getting the cards he was sending. He's tried these four years to contact you. He thought that you didn't want to see him, that's why you wouldn't return his cards."
Jack just looked at Bobby, tears running down his face, afraid to feel the hope that was building inside him. "Bobby, please…"
"It's no dream, Daddy. Ennis is here." Bobby could see the fear in his father's eyes so decided he needed to get this moving so Jack wouldn't have time to think too much.
"Remember I told you that you had a guest. Well, you need to get up and greet your guest right and proper, okay? I want you to get up and take a shower, shave and comb your hair. I'll get out some clothes for you and then you can come in and say hello, okay? Don't wanna be saying hello looking like some kinda homeless person."
Jack allowed a faint smile at that and sat up on the edge of the bed. He put his hand on the side of Bobby's face and then pulled him in to hug him. A single tear rolled down Bobby's cheek as he saw that the father he knew and loved was coming back.
"He's really here?"
"Yeah, Daddy, he's here. Come on, let's get you ready." Jack got up and Bobby helped him get things arranged in the bathroom. He pulled out some clothes for his father and then went back out with Ennis.
Bobby and Ennis went to the living room and Bobby told him his father was getting ready. They were silent for a while, each content to drink their whiskey and think their thoughts. Bobby got up and turned the radio on low, country music in the background. Some sound to break the silence.
ooooooooooooooooooo
Jack just stood with his head under the shower, the pain of all these years weighing heavy on his mind. Bobby had said Ennis had sent cards saying he wanted to see him. But he had seen no cards since the last time they had gotten together. He had thought Ennis didn't love him no more. But now Bobby's saying that's not true. Everything was so confusing. For so long his mind had been tortured and twisted that it was hard for him to grab ahold of this one concept…Ennis was here and wanted to see him.
"Gotta clear my head. Gotta think. Ennis is here…."
He got out of the shower. Bobby had laid out all his shaving supplies and his toothbrush and toothpaste. He stood for a moment looking at himself in the mirror. His skin was sallow, dark circles under his eyes, his cheeks sunken. He thought briefly that he was no longer the handsome man he used to be. How could he walk in to see Ennis looking like this? But he pushed ahead and shaved…no moustache now, not for a long time. He brushed his teeth and combed his hair.
He went into his room where Bobby had laid out his clothes. He had a nice pressed shirt…he had lots of clothes actually but never chose to wear them…and some jeans. The belt he held for a moment and then, rummaging through the closet, came up with a belt with one of his rodeo buckles on it. He put on his socks and boots and stood there for awhile, hesitant, afraid he wouldn't know what to say or what to do.
He stepped forward then stopped. He ran his hand through his hair. Took a deep breath and…sat back down on the bed. He was too confused.
Jack had just spent the last four years knowing that Ennis no longer loved him or wanted to see him ever again. The intensity of the pain this caused Jack resulted in his near total breakdown. He had been in pain for so long that he didn't know any other way to be. He had thought Ennis gone for so long now that he couldn't wrap his brain around the fact that he was here. And he WAS here.
He kept wanting to get up but couldn't. It was as if he still felt he was dreaming. That if he went in there, Ennis would be gone…never there to start with. It would be too much for him to stand. He couldn't face that.
So he just sat where he was.
ooooooooooooooooooo
Ennis had been talking to Bobby with only half his mind, occasionally stealing glances at the door to the hall. He had been trying as hard as he could to not fall apart. The stress had been building since he got the letter and pretty much had reached its peak when Jack had fainted. He was trying to hold on the best he could now, but he could feel the strain start to beat at what little control he had left.
Without thinking he said, "What will I say to him? How can I tell him I never stopped loving him?"
"Ennis, I've never been in love and a love like the two of you have is beyond my comprehension…so I don't feel I can give any advice. But I would say, please, just be honest. Just be yourself. Let your heart lead what you have to say."
Ennis heard what Bobby said and it wasn't wasted on him. If Ennis had learned anything over the last four years it was that he had been an ass all those years pushing Jack away. How many times since their big argument had he swore to himself that if should see Jack again, he'd never let him go. No matter the price he would have to pay. He was nobody without Jack. He had seen that clearly…and painfully.
"Where could he be?" Ennis said while swirling the whiskey in his glass.
He looked over at Bobby, then stood and walked to Jack's room.
ooooooooooooooooooo
He slowed as he got to the door trying to calm his breathing, calm his body which wanted to run in and grab Jack and hold him forever so he would never hurt again. He finally stepped to the door.
Jack was sitting on the far side of the bed with his back to the door. Ennis saw he had cleaned up, combed his hair, and had clean clothes on. Still Ennis winced at how pained and desolate he looked. He tried to keep the tears from falling and was only partially successful.
He stepped into the room…took a deep breath.
"Jack," his voice cracking at the end. He saw Jack cringe like someone was going to him him. He had his head in his hands.
Ennis tried to speak, found his throat had closed. He would open his mouth but nothing would come out.
Suddenly the words of the waitress at the diner came to him strong and clear, "In the days to come you'll need to stand up and take on yourself that burden, ya hear? You may find it ain't so heavy a burden as all that." Despite his own intense pain and longing for Jack, he saw that, of the two, he was the only one with the strength right now…right at this moment…to carry them both out of this. He had to.
"Jack." Ennis walked the few steps over to him and knelt in front of him. Jack was still looking at the floor, trembling slightly. Ennis laid his hands lightly over the two that Jack had clenched between his knees. He felt the warmth and wetness of a tear drop to the back of one of his hands.
"Jack, we can talk about the why's and wherefore's later of how this happened to you and me but right now I got something to say to you." Ennis ducked his head to try to catch Jack's eye but Jack had closed them.
"Jack, look at me." Ennis spoke gently but Jack couldn't look up. To see Ennis here was just too painful. But Ennis didn't have any patience now or sympathy. He needed Jack to hear what he had to say.
"Jack Fuckin' Twist, look at me!" Ennis' voice demanded attention and Jack's eyes popped open. He stared at Ennis in surprise.
Ennis quickly grabbed Jack on both sides of his face, "Jack, I got some things I need to say right now, so you best listen." Ennis swallowed hard trying to clear the tightness in his throat. His eyes began to tear up. "I love you, Jack, more than anyone I've ever known, more than my own life. I had a lotta time to think that I would never see you again and what I woulda done different if I could have." Ennis stopped to gather his courage. "I wouldn't ever have left you, Jack. I wouldn't ever have pushed you away. Never left you alone. Never left your side. That's what I would have done different for you, Jack."
Jack closed his eyes and started sobbing. This was more than Ennis could stand. He let loose Jack's face and reached around to pull him to his chest, to hold him and let him know that he wasn't alone no more.
Ennis spoke softly in Jack's ear, just for him and no one else to hear, "Little darlin'." Jack reached his arms around Ennis holding on like he was drowning and Ennis the life preserver. "My little rodeo cowboy, you're the only one…there ain't never been another and there won't never be another. I'm here now, Jack, and you ain't got to worry no more."
Jack slid his arms from Ennis' waist and reached up to grab his coat lapels. He raised his head and looked right in Ennis' eyes. Between sobs, he said, "I nearly died, Ennis, not being by your side, not knowin' if you still loved me or not." Jack sounded like a little boy pleading to not be hurt again.
He whispered, "I never stopped loving you, Ennis, but it was just too hard all alone like this…I wasn't strong enough." Jack closed his eyes for a moment and ran his right hand up to the back of Ennis' neck. " Promise me you won't leave me, okay, Ennis? Please?"
Ennis could barely breathe hearing the pain and desolation in Jack's voice and for a moment had to close his eyes for fear he would, himself, fall apart and be of no use to Jack. Finally he was able to say, "I ain't goin' nowhere, rodeo. You won't never be alone again, I promise."
Jack folded into Ennis' arms. Ennis knelt there with Jack rocking him quietly, humming to him like he had so long ago, Jack still crying but more now from happiness than from the despair of the last four years.
Ennis was feeling a new strength since accepting his burden. He knew that times might get tough, but the chance to care for and love Jack didn't seem like much of a burden to him…couldn't be now that he had him back.
They stayed there holding each other for a long time.
ooooooooooooooooooo
When Bobby saw them walk in together…his Daddy standing close to Ennis, Ennis with his hand on the back of Jack's neck…his eyes teared up and he put his head down for a moment, knowing that his Daddy had been saved. He got up slowly and walked over to the two of them. He hugged his father tightly, his father returning the gesture.
Bobby turned to Ennis and looked him straight in the face. Ennis, embarrassed by the love he saw for him in Bobby's gaze, dropped his eyes. Bobby reached up to hug Ennis and whispered in his ear only for Ennis to hear, "You brought my Daddy back. I will never be able to thank you enough."
Bobby released Ennis and stepped back wiping the tears from his eyes.
"How about I make some coffee and we can sit and get caught up, huh?"
End