Voldemort:
Dear diary… wait I mean journal, evil manly journal,
I had taken it upon myself to try and win Ron Weasley back by seducing him. So in my entire evil splendor, I had arranged for a weekend cabin stay in the Swiss Alps, a very romantic cabin that is. All I had to do was send Ronniekins a note asking him to meet me here. Since we used to be lovers, he should have responded quickly and in the affirmative, but I didn't take into account, his level of intelligence. He must have realized what I was up to and said no. But of course I am a genius so I came up with a plan B. This plan involved drugging him and taking him there against his will. It is so romantic, instead of his one true love rescuing him from the clutches of evil; the clutches would be his one true love.
So I had one of the Deatheaters, a rookie named Miss Lang…. no Sang….oh I got it Chang. Yes so she kidnapped him and brought him to me. And my love spent all of his night in my arms. We shall live happily ever after, I know it. Well as soon as I kill Harry Potter, and my son with Hermione who looks strangely like him.
Ron:
Dear journal that Hermione gave me for Christmas,
So I got the strangest letter from Lord Voldemort (he hates it when people leave out the 'Lord 'part) He was asking me to meet him in a secluded cabin in the Swiss Alps. Now I may have slept with him a few times, but that didn't seem like a reason why he would want to talk to me. He did write something about seducing me and keeping me in his romantic clutches, but I think that's irrelevant. Do you like that word diary? Hermione taught it to me it is now the second longest word I know (the third being quidditch) I feel so smart. Wait, hold on, for some strange reason Cho Chang is at the door. I am now asking if she is looking for Harry to win him back and snog him senseless. I then tell him that he is at Dumbledore's office trying to get him into bed. But that isn't what she wants; Hmmmm let me see what she does. Wait I feel funny. Mommy, make the peapods stop chasing me!
Hamburger:
Dear diary,
Well I have some big news, and no the new issue if sesame seed buns monthly did not come out. It is even better than that. I think I'm in love. I saw the most beautiful man yesterday. He had come into the diner where I live (I'm a member of the display case guild) He was tall, had shoulder-length black hair, which was a little greasy, but hey, I'm a hamburger; I'm all about grease. His dark ebony eyes started at me in hunger and he slowly licked his lips. The waitress then asked him what he wanted and offered him a cup of coffee. He said his name was Severus and he was going to take his food to go. He was supposed to meet his girlfriend somewhere and she wanted a hamburger. Well yes, he does have a girlfriend, but if he knew about me, well he would change his mind. I then threw myself at him and covered him in ketchup; I wanted to mark him as my own. Well he got a little freaked out, but I suppose it was to cover up the sexual tension. Goodness knows that there was enough of it that even the Diet Pepsi would have noticed it (and she's not quite right in the head). Well perhaps my love will return soon, maybe to dine-in, or maybe to just visit me. Or I shall have to make the first move and track him down. No one hides from the great Larry the Hamburger
Snape:
Dear diary,
Oh how I love you diary, you are my one true friend. Wait, I think I was channeling that-old-doddering-fool-who-eats-so-much-junk-food-he-will have-a-heart-attack-someday, also known as Albus Dumbledore. The part about not having a friend isn't true anyway, I have Cho. She is my one true love, and it is even better because I stole her from that Potter brat. How dare he look so much like his father, and Albus, and like pretty much everyone else I have ever met that annoys me. Well at least I have my love-birdie (that's my nickname for her, don't you love it). Speaking of Cho-Cho (another adorable nickname) I had the weirdest thing happen to me today. I went into a magical diner and went to order some food for us to eat after our long night (Ewwww diary, don't think like that, we were up late plotting evil) and there was this hamburger. Now I know what you are thinking, duh there was a hamburger, you were in a diner, but this was different. I swear this one winked at me, it was in a display case next to a peach pie, and it looked straight at me and winked. No please don't send me to St. Mungo's but I am positive that it happened. Then when the waitress went to go give the cook my order it threw itself at me. It was crazy, plus as it came towards me I heard it say something about wanting my wand shudders. I can only hope that this deranged meat patty never finds me. Well I am going to go find Miss Chang (oops I meant Cho, Miss Chang is habit from when I taught her two years ago).