Disclaimer: I forgot to put a disclaimer in last time, so this will have to go for all the parts: I do not own Dynasty Warriors. . .what, you knew that?

Part 2: Wait- There's Actually a Part 2?

The brothers from Shu trekked through the snow for two hours before Liu Bei called for another break. They found a cave close by.

Guan Yu brushed snow from his beard. It yawned and stretched. "Brother, are we lost?"

"I know which way is up. That should be enough to get us there."

"Who cares, anyway?." Zhang Fei thumped his chest. "Let's eat!"

Liu Bei sighed. "I suppose we could eat now." He broke out the pork buns.

Fei shoved two buns into his mouth and swallowed without chewing. He reached for another, but Liu Bei pulled them away. "Touch another and you die."

A bun dissappeared into Guan Yu's beard. "Brother, I have a question. If we have climbed this mountain three times now, how is it that Zhang Fei is still fat? Despite consuming his entire body weight in food and drink in one sitting, he eats no more than we do on these treks, all-in-all. He should have lost weight, yet if anything, he seems to have gotten even fatter."

Liu Bei shrugged.

"Have you checked the cookies," Zhang Fei whispered eerily, then laughed.

Liu Bei thought for a moment, then paled. "Dear god, no!"

He opened the picnic basket. It was empty. The cookies, the cookies that could have decided the fate of a nation, were gone.

"ZHANGFEIYOUFATBASTARD!" Liu Bei drew a knife and fork and pounced on Fei.

"I MADE THOSE COOKIES WITH LOVE AND CARE, WITH SUCH ATTENTION TO DETAIL THAT WOULD ENSURE THAT MR. LIANG WOULD JOIN US! AND YOU JUST F#ING ATE THEM!"

Guan Yu pulled his enraged brother off his mentally retarded one. "Okay, I don't want to know why you needed a fork, but that's beside the point. I cannot let you kill our brother just because he is a thoughtless, greedy idiot." He wrestled the cutlery from his brother. "If it is any consolation, I doubt that Zhuge Liang would have joined us simply because you made him cookies. We are not all like Zhang Fei here."

"I find your lack of faith in my baking prowess disturbing," Liu Bei yelled. "The man lives on a mountain, for god's sake. He probably hasn't tasted cookie in years!'"

Guan Yu sighed. "I'm sure he gets by, brother. Now, apologise to Zhang Fei and we can forget this ever happened."

Liu Bei calmed down. "Sorry about trying to ea- kill you, Zhang Fei," he muttered reluctantly.

"Bah, the cookies make up for it!" Fei burped loudly. Liu Bei narrowed his eyes.

Liu Bei kicked the empty basket out of the cave and over the side of the mountain. "Let's get moving. We can rest at the top; I'm sure it can't be far now."

They set off again. As Liu Bei passed Zhang Fei, he whispered, "Just remember, fat boy. If Mr. Liang doesn't join us this time, the crumbs are on your hands. I will see you swing from the top of this mountain by your short and curlies. Then I'll eat you."

A short time later they saw Cao Cao, Xiahou Yuan and Xiahou Dun climbing the rocky trail ahead of them. Zhang Fei and Guan Yu hefted their spears.

""Ho, Cao Cao," Liu Bei called cheerfully. "What are you doing up here on such a fine day?"

Cao Cao turned and saw Liu Bei. "Oh, not that goody-good bastard again. Yuan, shoot him!"

Xiahou Yuan raised his bow and reached over his shoulder. "Hey, where are my arrows?"

"Mwahaha," Xiahou Dun laughed triumphantly. "I threw them off a cliff! Up yours, fat arse!" He drew his sword. "Fear not, Lord Cao Cao! I shall slay Liu Be- " Yuan jammed his bow up Dun's nose.

"I am here to seek an audience with the great Mr. Liang," Liu Bei said helpfully. "He will join us in our struggle for peace and happiness!"

Cao Cao pretended to vomit. "Oh, yeah, right! As if the greatest strategist in the land would join a self-righteous little wanker like you! Peace and happiness went out with the Han. Violence and debucherury are in, baby! Zhuge Liang will join Wei, and soon all the land will fall to Cao Cao! Ahahahaha!"

Behind him, Xiahou Dun extracted a snot-covered bow from his nostril.

"Be careful, brother," Guan Yu murmered. "The man refers to himself in third person."

Liu Bei spread his arms and looked up at Cao Cao. "Don't you already have a strategist? Gou. . .you know?"

"Gou Jia. . .died."

"Of illness," Dun added. "Completely natural."

Yuan coughed and looked away. "Only natural to you."

After a moment of silence, Cao Cao burst out laughing. He pointed at his cousin. "Xiahou Dun ate him!"

Dun shrieked. "You promised you wouldn't tell anyone!"

Cao Cao ignored him. "Yes, it seems that one helping of eye candy wasn't enough!" He tapped Dun's eye-patch.

"You're blowing this out of all proportion! I like to snack. . .

Guan Yu shook his head. "First the man re-invents cannibalism by eating himself, then he becomes a psychotic serial killer with a taste for blood."

Liu Bei nodded nodded. "I think we can all relate."

Guan Yu and Zhang Fei cringed at the memory of eating a woman's arms. Liu Bei just looked hungry.

"Brother," Zhang Fei said cautiously. "You haven't. . .I mean, you're not. . .We swore that eating that broad was a one-time thing, right?"

"Ah-HA," Cao Cao yelled. "I knew it! You're one of. . .them!"

"I am not one of them! It was just that one time. The farmer killed his wife to feed us because he had nothing else to offer!"

"Oh, yes. I can imagine. 'Sorry, Lord Liu Bei, the crops haven't been brought in yet.' 'Don't worry, I'm sure we can work something out. . . Braaaiiiinnnsssssss. . .' "

"I DID NOT EAT HER GODDAMN BRAINS!"

"What, couldn't find a recipe?"

Guan Yu cleared his throat. "Um, brother? Earlier you attacked Zhang Fei with a knife and fork. . ."

"I don't remember that."

"You said you'd eat me," Zhang Fei yelled.

"Eeeww," - everyone except Xiahou Dun and Liu Bei and Zhang Fei.

"Gee, and I thought you were supposed to be the good guy," Xiahou Yuan muttered.

"I am the good guy! I just have a few minor quirks. . ."

"Quirks," Cao Cao pressed. "As in plural? Gods, don't tell me you're gay, too."

Liu Bei shifted uneasily.

Zhang Fei nudged him. "Um, brother, when Zhao Yun said 'Lord Liu Bei, I give my spear in your service!', I don't think he meant. . .

Xiahou Dun raised a hand hesistantly. "Look, Cao Cao, I don't know if it's my place, but shouldn't we. . .you know, KILL THEM NOW?

Cao Cao went blank. "What? Oh, right, yes! Dun, Yuan, atta-"

"Hey, dudes!" Everyone turned to see Sun Ce approaching, Sun Quan lopping along beside him. "What's up?"

Cao Cao groaned. "Go away!"

"Aw, don't be like that, gramps!" Cao Cao's eyes bulged. Ce looked around. "Whatcha all doing out here?"

Liu Bei stepped forward. "We have all come to speak with the great Mr. Liang, in the hope that he will join one of our respective forces in the capacity of strategist."

"Hey, pop's here to see the hermit guy, too!"

"Oh, come on," Cao Cao protested. "I was here first! Why can't you all just bugger off?"

Liu Bei drew himself up. "It was my idea to come here in the first place!"

Cao Cao sneered. "And you've only had it- what, like a dozen times? Give someone else a crack, you selfish bastard."

"Yeah, like pop!"

"Piss off, inbred!" Cao Cao snapped.

Xiahou Yuan craned his neck. "Where is Sun Jian, anyway? He shouldn't leave children unsupervised."

Sun Ce looked worried. "I dunno. He had to go peepees and left us alone in a cave. He said 'wait here, I'll be back soon- heh heh.' We waited like, forever, but he didn't come back. He must've gotten lost."

No-one said anything. Yuan coughed quietly. Zhang Fei farted.

". . .what," Ce asked.

Cao Cao cleared his throat. "Did it ever occur to you that maybe your father just LEFT YOU IDIOTS IN THAT CAVE TO DIE, WITH ABSOLUTLY NO INTENTION OF EVER COMING BACK?

Silence.

Sun Ce's bottom lip trembled. ". . .Aaaaaaaahaaaaaaaahh! Why, pop, why? Aaaaaaaaaaahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!' Sun Quan made a keening sound.

Liu Bei looked from Cao Cao, to the sobbing Sun Ce, then back to Cao Cao. "You are one evil son-of-a-bitch."

"Ahahahaha- I know."