If Not For Fear II

"Jack," Ennis managed to force out of a closed throat.

"S'cold."

Ennis nodded his head like it was a casual conversation and he was acknowledging Jack's statement

"Jack?" Ennis said again.

Jack gave a weak smile, his hands still in his jacket pockets, little shivery tremors crossing his body now and then. He was stepping from one foot to the next trying to stay warm in the cold rain. Ennis remembered that he was holding the rifle and put it in the corner.

He reached out for Jack to pull him in from the cold. He gathered Jack into his arms to feel him close, all the time saying, "son of a bitch, son of a bitch.". He held him tight to make sure that he wasn't some kind of dream or ghost...to make sure he hadn't tripped over into insanity when he wasn't looking.

He could feel Jack shaking and only then realized, as his own clothes got wet, that Jack was soaked through. He pulled back, "Jack, you're wet," as he stated the obvious.

Jack, looking confused, turned to the door, "It's raining."

Right about the time that Ennis was going to suggest he get out of those wet clothes, Jack started to shake more seriously. He was only able to spare one look of despair and helplessness in Ennis' direction. He grunted once, twice and started to fold in on himself.

He was shaking violently now curling into a fetal position. All Ennis could do was follow him down as he collapsed to the floor.

"No, Jack, no...Jack…oh God…JACK!"

Ennis' mind scrambled. What do I do? He'll die if this keeps up. Gotta get him warm. He looked to the fireplace but it would take too long to get the fire up enough to help. The oven might do but it would still take too long. A blanket would only get wet and do no good.

The bathtub. Ennis' decision was made in an instant. His strength now increased from the panic he felt, he picked Jack up and headed to the bathroom…all the time fearful that he would lose his grip Jack was shaking so hard now. He laid Jack down in the tub and turned the hot water on full blast. He took off Jack's hat but that was all he could get off. Jack was too tightly curled up.

Ennis checked the water and when it was hot enough tempered it with the cold and stoppered the tub.

He knew he wasn't going to be able to help Jack from outside the tub, the leverage was all wrong, so got in with him. It was tight but Ennis stretched his legs out and did his best to hold on to Jack.

As the water rose, he kept talking to Jack, "Jack, hold on now, come on, Jack. It's gonna be all right, okay? Don't you die on me, Jack. Hang in there, it'll be okay." This went on in a steady streak for Ennis' sake and Jack's.

The water rose nearly to the top of the tub, Ennis keeping Jack's head above water. His shivering had begun to subside as the warmth of the water raised his core temperature. Jack had begun to unfold some, to relax…but he wasn't talking or moving.

"Jack, come on. Wake up, Jack. Come on, rodeo. Wake up." Ennis was rubbing Jack's limbs vigorously trying to do his part to warm him up. Ennis checked his breathing and his heartbeat. He was still alive, so must have passed out. What the hell was going on here?

When Ennis felt that the water had started to cool down and Jack had stopped shivering, he un-stoppered the tub and let the water drain. He laid Jack down in the tub for a moment so he could get towels and blankets. As much as he could he stripped Jack in the tub…boots, jacket, shirt. He picked Jack up and laid him down on the towels he had put on the floor, using another towel to try to dry him as best he could.

It was then he noticed the bruising all along one side of Jack's chest. He rolled Jack a little and saw more bruising on his back. A jolt of rage ran through Ennis at the thought of someone hurting his Jack that caused his hands to shake and his jaw to clench.

"Can't deal with this right now," he said through gritted teeth. "Gotta keep going."

He then managed to get Jack's pants off and worked to get him dry. More bruising.

"Jack, what happened? What's going on here?" Ennis said with a tear coming to his eye. He wrapped a blanket around Jack and now, with greater effort because he was dead weight, moved him to the bed.

He laid Jack down and piled on all the covers he could find to get him warm. When he saw that Jack was safe, he went in to stoke the fire and warm the house some. When he got back he stripped, dried himself off and got in bed holding Jack close to him so his own body warmth would help to speed up Jack's recovery.

As soon as his skin contacted Jack's, the old, powerful feelings of lust overwhelmed him for a moment and he got an instant erection. He quickly reminded himself that Jack was in danger and there was no time right now for the things they had done on Brokeback. A moment of lecturing Ennis, Jr., and he was able to ease up and focus on Jack. He'd get his chance later if Jack got better…and was inclined to return the feelings.

Jack wasn't shivering anymore but he still felt cool so Ennis stayed there holding him, rubbing his arms and chest to help him get warmer, talking to him about how glad he was to see him, what he had been doing, little things, anything he could think of to let Jack know, even though he was unconscious, that Ennis was there and he wasn't alone.

A few hours later, Ennis felt that Jack was no longer in danger and had warmed up enough that he could get up and try to figure out what the hell had just happened.

He dressed and went out into the living room…the house was warmer now. He went in and poured himself some whiskey. Standing at the counter, hands gripping the edges, eyes closed, mind reeling, he did his best to bring some sanity and control to this completely unforeseen moment.

He was more than stunned at the thought that Jack was here. But he was trying to put all his feelings for Jack aside right now and do what he could immediately to help him. There would be time later to let his feelings loose. Just help Jack right now. Help Jack.

He took his whiskey and walked back to the bedroom. He stood in the doorway watching Jack. He wasn't moving, which Ennis didn't like, but neither was he shivering like earlier.

He decided he would let Jack sleep 'till morning…it was close to ten at night…and see how Jack felt then. In the meantime, he would keep checking on him to make sure he stayed warm.

He went to sit on his old and tattered couch putting his whiskey on the floor.

Jack was here. His Jack. The one he had come to terms with loving and the one he never thought he would ever see again. So much emotion was welling up in Ennis he didn't think he'd be able to endure it. But he had to for Jack. So he took Jack's welfare as the bull's-eye he honed in on and worked to push everything else aside until there was time and space to deal with it.

After sitting up for a couple of hours trying to gather his thoughts and think of what he needed to do to help Jack, he got up and went in to check on him. He felt his forehead which was still a little cool, brushed his hair back from his face, talked to him softly.

Ennis had come down now from the adrenaline rush of earlier which left him drained and tired. He moved to lay under the blanket draping his arm protectively over Jack. If there was movement during the night, he'd know. This was how Ennis woke up in the morning.

Ennis got up and immediately checked Jack to see how he was doing. He was concerned to find that Jack was sweating and when he felt his forehead found he had a fever. He got a cool, wet cloth and wiped Jack's face. He took off a blanket leaving only one on Jack.

Ennis knew that Jack had to wake up at some point and take some fluids and food so he went in and got a glass of water and put some soup on the stove on low to heat.

He got back to the bedroom, laid the glass of water on the floor by the bed and tried to wake Jack.

"Jack, come on, bud. Ya gotta wake up now. Come on, open your eyes. Come on, rodeo, it's light outside, gotta herd them sheep. Come on, Jack."

He was lightly slapping Jack's face, brushing the hair from his forehead, raising his voice now hoping Jack would recognize him and wake up.

It didn't take Jack long. His eyes opened and Ennis' breath hitched. There were those eyes, those damn blue eyes that had always trapped him making him dizzy and weak at the knees. But they weren't focused. Ennis called to Jack some more.

Jack looked over at Ennis, "Ennis, why…why ain't you up with…them sheep? I ain't…got breakfast done yet." Jack spoke hoarsely through a dry mouth and throat. Ennis knew that this was his fever talking.

"Hold on, Jack. Here, drink some water. You need to get some fluids in ya." Jack took a few sips and then turned his head. Ennis made him take a couple more and then put the glass aside. "I got some soup heatin'…you gonna have to eat somethin' okay?" Jack just looked at Ennis like he had never seen anything more beautiful.

"Did you come down to see me, Ennis?"

Ennis' eyes teared up again. He leaned forward and kissed Jack lightly on the forehead.

Jack had begun to slip into sleep but Ennis had to get the soup so he laid him down and went to the kitchen. He could wake him up again when he got back.

Ennis had brought the soup, just the broth actually, and pulled Jack up in the bed. This time when Jack woke up, he was a little more alert but still appeared to be confused.

Jack looked around for a moment, uncertain where he was. He looked over at Ennis trying to focus on his face.

"Ennis," Jack said weakly while trying to back up from him. "Ennis, where…?"

Ennis saw Jack was frightened.

"Jack, you're at my house. You came by last night. You was in bad shape, bud, but you're doin' better now. Here, come on, I got something for you to eat." And Ennis lifted a spoon of broth to Jack's lips.

Jack just stared at Ennis, "Oh God, what am I doing here?" Jack was becoming agitated and had started to cry. Ennis hadn't expected this and tried to put the broth down before he spilled it.

"No, no, no, Jack, no. Please, don't cry, okay?" And Ennis held him close while Jack sobbed into his chest. "It's alright, Jack, it's alright. Everything'll be okay. Sssshhh, now, rodeo, it's alright."

Ennis saw he was slipping away but before Jack lost consciousness again he said, "I never thought…thought…I'd see you again. I thought I was…gonna die and…never see you again." Ennis was a hair's breadth away from losing complete control. Only his tendency to solidity and repression of feelings gave him any sort of footing at all at this moment.

Through his own tears Ennis said, "Ssshh, Jack. You're okay now. It's all okay. I got ya, rodeo, nothin' you got to worry about right now, okay?" Ennis held onto Jack until his crying had diminished and he had fallen back to sleep. He'd try to get him some broth later.

Ennis went back to the kitchen with the cup and spoon but dropped them before he could put them in the sink. He fell to the floor on all fours, his chest heaving with his pain, his tears falling to the kitchen floor.

Later that afternoon, Ennis was able to get Jack to down some broth but Jack still didn't really know where he was. He managed to help Jack to the bathroom to relieve himself. That hadn't gone so well.

When he got Jack back to bed, Ennis bathed him the best he could and then got him into some pajamas. Jack was still sweating and still felt chilled so Ennis made sure he had enough blankets to stay warm.

Ennis sat on the bed for awhile watching Jack, brushing his fingers down the side of Jack's face, holding his hand. It occurred to him that he hadn't actually thought about the circumstances surrounding Jack's arrival. He had been so involved in taking care of him, he hadn't stopped to think what the weather had been like when Jack got there.

Looking back now, he realized that Jack had been out in 40-degree weather with blowing winds…in the rain…in late March…in Wyoming. How long had he been walking in that kind of weather? Where had he been coming from? Why would he not remember that he had come here? So many questions. He put them aside and held Jack's well-being in the front of his mind.

Jack was sleeping soundly now. Ennis was satisfied that he had done all he could at this point so he lay down with Jack needing some rest himself. He laid his arm over Jack as he had done before and tried to calm his mind so he could sleep.

As he drifted off, his thoughts veered to work. Ennis was supposed to be working that coming day but he couldn't leave Jack and had no phone to call the foreman. Maybe he could tell him that he had been sick for these days…or the truth, a friend of his came to town and got really sick…and see if he could keep his job. If not, well, it wouldn't be the first time he'd had to hoof it out and get a job.

Jack alternated between sweating and chills for the next three days. Ennis stayed up with him…pushing fluids, pushing soups and broths, helping him to the bathroom. He would lay with Jack often but wasn't getting much sleep because of his concern and his periodic checks to make sure Jack was still okay.

Jack was quiet when he was awake now and would only look at Ennis if he thought Ennis wasn't looking at him. Ennis let it go as weakness and fever.

Early in the morning of the fourth day, before dawn, Ennis checked once again on Jack and decided he'd lay down for just a little while. He'd get up in a couple hours and get something for Jack to eat…he was so tired from staying up all this time.

Just a little while, he thought, I'll just sleep for a little while.

He was out before he knew it.

Ennis woke up in the tent near dawn. It was that twilight time…not night, not day. He took a moment to get his bearings, listen to his surroundings, let his brain get started. He rolled over and reached for Jack, an automatic thing, but found he wasn't in the bedroll. Fear struck and he tossed the blanket and the bedroll looking for Jack…like there was anywhere for him to hide in such a close space. He scrambled out of the tent stumbling forward, coming to the ground on his knees. Panicking now, he screamed for...

"JACK!"