Disclaimer: I am not obsessed with cannibals.

Part 3: Part 3 Wasn't Allowed to Have a Name

Sun Ce wrapped himself around Cao Cao's leg. "Naaaaaaaaaaaaaaahh! Pop don't love us no more!"

"Get the hell off me!"

"Cling on," Xiahou Dun hollered, hefting his scimitar and charging for Sun Ce.

Cao Cao saw him coming and screamed, frantically trying to shake Ce free.

Guan Yu turned to his brothers. "Okay, I'll go out on a limb here and say that Sun Jian married his sister, or something."

Dun closed ground. "Hang on, Boss!" He raised his sword.

Sun Quan shambled out in front of him. The Wei general tripped and was pitched forward into Cao Cao.

The four went down in a heap, with Ce biting Cao Cao's hamstring.

"Aaaaahhh! God, what is it with you people? Do I look like a goddamn dim sum?'"

Elbowing Sun Ce in the face, he fought his way out of the pile up. His gaze locked on Liu Bei.

Oh, God I hate you, you peasant-munching bastard! "Somebody kill Liu Bei!"

Xiahou Yuan moved to oblige. Zhang Fei jabbed him in the crotch with the butt of his spear while Guna Yu smacked him in the face with the flat of Black Dragon's blade. Liu Bei laughed virtuously as Yuan was beaten mercilessly.

Xiahou Dun was staggered towards the edge of a cliff with Quan and Ce clinging to him. "GET THEM OFF ME!"

"I shall not forget your sacrifice for the greater good, cousin," Cao Cao yelled, carrying the one in his head and booting Dun up the rear. "Two for the price of one is a fair deal."

Dun screamed and flailed as he was propelled towards the cliff edge. He fell forward and saw the jagged rocks below reaching up for him. His life flashed before his eye. He was at Xia Pi again. Hey, I remember this place. . .oh shit! Aaarrrrgh! He remembered the arrow hitting his eye. He remembered pulling the shaft out, and being suprised to find his eye still stuck on it. So creamy. . .No! Get a hold of yourself, man!. . .But. It. Looks. So. Good. He remembered lifting it to his face, opening his mouth wide and- wait. . .He remembered closer. In his dead eye he saw the reflection of someone standing off to the side, holding a bow. Lu Bu? No, too short. Cao Xing? Too fat. He remembered harder. It was. . .

Xiahou Yuan.

"AAARRRGH!" Dun came flying back over the ledge, the Suns still attached to him.

Yuan looked up from where he lay curled in the fetal position.

'YOU SHOT ME! YOU FRIGGIN' SHOT ME! AT XIA PI! I KILLED AND ATE CAO ZHANG FOR NOTHING!"

"How did you know- I mean, no I didn't! . . .Wait, you did WHAT? I said Cao Xing shot you! Cao Zhang was Cao Cao's son!"

". . .Eh? Well, I- THAT'S HARDLY THE POINT! WHAT THE HELL DID YOU SHOOT ME FOR?"

"I-I was aiming for Cao Xing- see, it was his fault!"

Dun's fist's alternately said hello to Yuan's face.

Liu Bei looked to his brothers. "If I ever get that bad, promise me you'll- "

"Fear not, brother," Guan Yu assured him. "If you ever get as bad as Xiahou Dun, we will certainly kill you to end your suffering."

"Um, actually I was going ask if you'd help me murder drifters."

". . .O. . .kay. . .-Moving on, perhaps we should take this opportunity to proceed unhindered up the mountain?"

"Yes, of course," Liu Bei agreed. The brothers from Shu continued upwards.

Cao Cao watched them depart with frustration. "Stop! You can't just. . .Get back. . .kill!- arrgh! God damn you!" He turned back to his generals. Dun had Yuan in a headlock.

Dun: "Die, you scum!"

Yuan: "Help meeee!"

Sun Ce and Quan: "Naaaahhhhh!"

Cao Cao: "WILL EVERYBODY JUST STUP THE HELL UP?"

Utter silence.

"Liu Bei is getting away because of you two!" Dun and Yuan disentangled reluctantly. Cao Cao turned his attention and his pulsating vein to Ce and Quan, "You, piss off." They complied, but didn't go far.

He focused on Dun. "Now, as you ate one of my children, I am inclined to take Yuan's side in this matter. What happened to your eye- ahahaah! Ohahahaho- Ahahahah! AHAHAHAHAH!- Ahem, sorry about that. As I was saying, it was a tragic accident. Yuan can hardly be blamed because your head was between him and Cao Xing. Now quit your whingeing. 'Oooo, Yuan shot me!'- who gives a shit? Not me, that's who."

Dun's mouth was hanging open. "But- but-."

Cao Cao turned and hurried after Liu Bei, Xiahou Yuan, Sun Ce and Sun Quan following him.

"B-b-but he. . ."

"Come along, cousin!"

"But my eye. . ." He stopped stammering and considered his options. After a moment, he smiled thinly. "Coming, Lord Cao Cao!"

As he ran to catch up, Dun looked down at the great scimitar at his hip. "We're coming, aren't we. . .Yuankiller? Ahahahahah!"

"What was that?" He looked up just in time to stop himself colliding with Xiahou Yuan.

"Uh, I said, uh- no hard feelings, that's all!"

Yuan grinned and clapped Dun on the shoulder. "Gee, great!"

The Wei and Wu officers continued after Liu Bei.

Right, let's get something straight: I don't like Xiahou Yuan, so in part 4 he's going to die- I just don't know how yet. Feel free to review this and let me know your ideas for the fat man's demise.