If Not For Fear III

Ennis woke up in the tent near dawn. It was that twilight time…not night, not day. He took a moment to get his bearings, listen to his surroundings, let his brain get started. He rolled over and reached for Jack, an automatic thing, but found he wasn't in the bedroll. Fear struck and he tossed the blanket and the bedroll looking for Jack…like there was anywhere for him to hide in such a close space. He scrambled out of the tent stumbling forward, coming to the ground on his knees. Panicking now, he screamed for…

"JACK!"

Ennis' eyes flew open as he reached across the bed for Jack…but Jack wasn't there. For a moment he panicked as in his dream and jumped up praying that Jack hadn't gone and left.

He rounded the corner of the bedroom heading for the kitchen, when he saw Jack starting to rise from the table responding to Ennis' call. Jack was dressed in his own clothes…Ennis had tried to clean them the best he could…and was holding a cup of coffee…no, not coffee. Ennis saw the whiskey sitting on the table. Jack's eyes were sunken, his skin gray and he held onto the table for support.

"Jack, what are you doing up? What…? Are you okay?" Some of Ennis' panic from the dream had subsided but his concern for the real Jack standing in front of him was rising.

"Yeah, Ennis, I'm fine." He glanced at Ennis once, seeing he only had his pants on, then put his head down quickly looking way.

"You think you should be drinking whiskey after you been so sick?"

"Can't see the harm but thanks for your concern," Jack said curtly. He wouldn't look at Ennis.

"Gimme a second and I'll make some coffee and fix some lunch." Jack didn't answer.

Ennis walked to the bathroom to relieve himself, splash some water on his face and comb his hair. When he was done, he stood holding onto the sink and staring in the mirror. It was just a dream. It's okay.

He took a deep breath, stopped in the bedroom for a clean shirt, and walked back out to the kitchen tucking it in.

"You sure you're okay, bud?" Jack nodded. Ennis walked over and picked up the whiskey, "Probably had enough of this for right now." Jack chose not to argue.

Ennis made some coffee, passed a cup to Jack. He let it sit for a moment where Ennis had put it, then, pushing his whiskey away, pulled the coffee to him. Ennis, standing at the counter, poured himself a cup of coffee as well.

There was silence for a couple of minutes…each staring at their coffee cups. Ennis started lunch.

"It's good to see you again, Jack." Ennis said quietly with his back to Jack. He had pulled some sausage and eggs from the refrigerator.

Jack looked down and nodded. His hand went to his mouth for a moment and he looked up and away from Ennis. After a minute, he said, "You too, Ennis. It's been a long time." Jack smiled weakly, wrapping both his hands around his cup.

They went silent again for a little while. Ennis brought over the food he had prepared glancing at Jack for a clue to this distance Jack was putting between them.

They ate lunch in silence, all the time Ennis watched Jack, noticing the hunched shoulders and tension throughout his body.

"I appreciate you taking care of me these last few days." Ennis shrugged, Jack looked everywhere but at Ennis. "I don't rightly know how I ended up here," now Jack looked straight at Ennis and with anger held in check said, "but you got your life here and I don't wanna impose, so I'll get outta ya hair…you won't have to put up with me no longer." Jack couldn't look at Ennis any longer, but before he looked away, he saw a sudden rush of confusion and dejection come to Ennis' face. Jack got up to get some more coffee as a reason to get away from the look Ennis was giving him.

Ennis could only stare. He had been holding back questions and feelings since Jack arrived and felt his agitation increasing with the distance that Jack seemed to be putting between them. He got up and started pacing. Jack heard Ennis moving and knew what it meant. He stood holding onto the counter for fear of falling…and fear of Ennis.

"Whattya ya mean, get outta my hair, Jack?" Ennis' mouth had tightened. He tried to keep his voice down. Jack recognized that sign, too. He turned and saw Ennis raise his shoulders, hands rising palm up with them…his "what-the-hell-are-you-talking-about?" posture.

"Why did you come here, Jack? You show up on my doorstep outta nowhere. I ain't seen ya in two and a half years. I thought you…." here Ennis grew embarrassed and quiet, "I mean…I thought you was here 'cause…'cause ya wanted to see me." Ennis' voice caught and he couldn't say any more.

Jack just looked at him. Ennis could see in Jack's face he was working to keep some great emotional turmoil from busting through.

"Like I said, Ennis, I don't rightly know. I been sittin' here trying to remember how I got here…but nothin's real clear. Things been pretty bad for me lately. I don't know why I woulda come here. I'm sorry."

"Jack, are you sayin' you're sorry for being here? That you didn't wanna be here?" Ennis spread his hands.

Jack was becoming more agitated…the rage he had been holding down was beginning to surface. "I don't know, Ennis. I don't know what I'm tryin' to say." Jack had started to get more animated…waving his arms around.

"Last I remember I was at a bar somewhere south of here. That I know. I remember there was a fight..." Jack's hand went to his side. Ennis' gaze followed his hand. That's where the bruises were he had seen that first night. Jack looked straight at Ennis, "and I remember walking…lots of walking. After that, I don't know."

"Jack, why'd you think you wouldn't be welcome here if you was havin' trouble? You found me so that means ya knew where I was. You coulda come anytime. I woulda done anything I could to help." Ennis was trying not to get angry.

Jack looked straight at him and Ennis saw in his eyes the flash of anger that Jack tried to hide but couldn't erase from his voice. Through clenched teeth Jack said, "Because you left me standing there at Signal." Here he jabbed a finger in Ennis' direction. "You turned and walked away to marry Alma, " contempt clear in Jack's voice, "and you left me standing there. The only person in your miserable fucking life who ever cared…the only one who EVER…" here he looked down, "…loved you." Ennis felt lightning strike.

"Why do you think I would never come here, huh, Ennis?" Jack had started to shake. "It was clear you didn't want nothin' more to do with me…that I didn't mean nothin' to you, even after what we had on Brokeback."

"You turned your back and walked away." Jack turned towards the counter and stared down at his coffee.

Ennis didn't answer. He knew what he had done, but to hear it from Jack...well, it was like laying a whip across his back.

"Truth is, Ennis…" here Jack faltered until Ennis thought he might not speak, "I nearly died…" a long hesitation as if he was remembering a painful incident, "I nearly died not havin' you around. I swore I'd never think of you again cause I knew I wouldn't be able to live if I did." Jack covered his eyes with his hand, still shaking. Ennis was in near tears from the pain and anguish in Jack's voice.

"If I had come here and you had sent me away…I…I don't know. I couldn't…" Jack abruptly reached for the counter, "take that…chance." Jack stopped and looked over at Ennis.

Ennis saw Jack's eyes go unfocused as he started to crumple. "JACK!" Ennis jumped and caught him, easing him down to the floor.

"Goddamn…son of a bitch!" Ennis sat there on the kitchen floor holding and rocking Jack. Ennis was too exhausted and emotionally drained at this point to cry, so he just sat there with Jack… stroking his face and talking softly, humming to him and calling him all the pet names he had ever thought to call him but could never bring himself to say out loud.

And realized as he sat there with Jack, that he was one of the biggest reasons for Jack's present condition.

Now his sense of shame, which he usually kept buried as deeply as possible, was surfacing rapidly. And when it broke to the surface it looked right at him and said in a quiet but devastating voice, You accused him of not looking for you but did you go looking for him? You know that your leaving hurt him, what did you do about it? He might not be like this now if you hadn't been such a coward.

Ennis had no answer to any of that.

He held Jack for a long time before he finally picked him up and put him in bed.

Jack slept for a good while after the kitchen scene. It had begun to worry Ennis that maybe he had pushed him too far. But later in the afternoon, Jack began to stir. Ennis had pulled a chair into the room so he'd be there if Jack needed anything.

Ennis went straight to the bedside, fussing like somebody's grandma. Jack opened his eyes and when he was able to focus caught sight of Ennis. He closed his eyes and tried to turn away from him but Ennis caught his shoulder stopping that motion.

"Jack, you need to drink some water. You been too long without something in ya." Jack relented and drank the water that was offered.

"If you feel okay, I want ya to eat. You need more food in ya. You ain't been eating enough…and who knows how long you went without before you got here." Ennis got up close to Jack's ear, "And ya know, skinny ain't your most flatterin' look, I gotta tell ya." Jack was so caught off guard by this playful comment that he spewed water out of his mouth and all over Ennis as he tried not to laugh.

"Now, damnit, Jack, that was my last clean shirt," Ennis got out as he tried to keep a stern look on his face…failing utterly.

When they had calmed down, Ennis told Jack he had to come to the table to eat because he had spent too much time in bed and needed to get some strength back. If he stayed on his back much longer, it would only make him weaker.

Jack agreed and went with Ennis to sit at the table. Ennis had food ready and they ate in silence. Jack surprised himself and ate more than he thought he'd be able to. Ennis was pleased with his progress.

When they were done, Ennis told Jack that he had to go to town to get some more food and talk to the ranch foreman about his job. Jack put his head down.

"Ennis, I'm sorry. I'm keeping you from work."

"Stop it now. That ain't your concern, ya hear? Don't wanna hear no more about it." Ennis put the dishes in the sink to clean later. He turned around, crossing his arms and legs, and leaned on the sink.

"Are you gonna be okay for a couple of hours?"

Jack didn't look at him but nodded.

"Jack, look at me. Are you gonna be okay until I get back?"

Jack glanced up at the concern in Ennis' voice.

"Yeah, cowboy, I'll be fine." Jack hadn't even realized he had used Ennis' nickname. Ennis was touched to hear Jack say it.

"Good enough, then," he said gruffly. "I'll be back as soon as I can." Ennis walked over to Jack and looked directly in his eyes, "So, I'll see you when I get back." A clear statement, not a question…Jack was not to leave. Jack took a moment knowing what Ennis was saying and nodded.

As Ennis walked by Jack, he laid his hand on Jack's shoulder. Ennis felt Jack's initial response to pull away. It hurt him a little but figured at some point he would find out what was going on.

Ennis bent over and kissed Jack on the top of the head, squeezed his shoulder and went to town.