Okay, Part 4's pretty long by my standards, but that's because I promised to kill Xiahou Yuan this chapter, and I had to fill in stuff before I got to that bit. I'll do the idea-credit-thing at the end.

Part 4: Wrath of the Warchicken

It was getting dark now on the nameless mountain.

Guan Yu stopped suddenly and held his spear out to block his brothers' path.

Liu Bei walked into it, breaking his nose with an audible crack.

"Ut th phuk," he gurgled angrily.

Zhang Fei's bulk slammed him from behind. His face cracked into Black Dragon again.

"THUDIP PHUKER," he screamed, blood pumping from his nose.

Zhang Fei looked about, oblivious to his brother's wailing. "What did we stop for?"

"Pray be silent, brothers," Guan Yu urged. "Someone is nearby."

Bei and Fei went quiet, and the three crouched behind a boulder. After a minute, Liu Bei peeked out.

"I don't see anything. . . are you sure there's someone out there?"

"Let us be certain," Guan Yu said, reaching up to his chin. With a sharp tug and a crackle of velcro he removed his beard. Gently, he set it down in the snow. He rose after whispering briefly to it.

Liu Bei and Zhang Fei watched in horror as the beard drew itself up on four small legs and scampered up the path ahead. Guan Yu folded his arms and nodded with pride as it disappeared from sight, cutting a path through the snow.

After a while he noticed his brothers were staring at him. "What?"

Liu Bei looked away. "Your, um, beard. . ."

"That's some really weird shit," Zhang Fei mumbled.

Guan Yu scratched his velcro-coated chin, perplexed. "It is perfectly natural."

"100 cotton, you mean?"

"I must say, Guan Yu, it is a bit odd that you can do that," Liu Bei added.

"Look, it is COMPLETELY NORMAL!"

"We wouldn't know; we're-" Fei coughed. "I'm not a freak!"

Guan Yu went purple. "What are you implying, you fat shit-"

Liu Bei pointed. "Look! Your facial hair is returning!"

The beard plowed back through the snow towards them, jabbering urgently. Guan Yu bent and scooped it up, sticking it back on his jaw while making ga-ga noises to it.

"Jeez, get a room," Fei muttered under his breath.

"Well," Liu Bei demanded impatiently, "Is there someone up there?"

Guan Yu looked up. "Yes. Lord Sun Jian is up there. But Beard also said that Cao- "

Cao Cao, Xiahou Dun, Xiahou Yuan, Sun Ce and Sun Quan came running up the rocky slope below. Guan Yu and Zhang Fei turned to Liu Bei for orders, but he was already gone.

"Speed is a virtue! Move your arses," he yelled over his shoulder. He had a good thirty-foot lead on his brothers.

"There they are!" Cao Cao shouted. "Dun, Yuan, kill them!" The brothers from Wei took off after Liu Bei.

Xiahou Dun ran several paces behind Yuan. His brother's large frame practically blocked out the stars.

But he's FAT! How can he be faster than me? With a grunt Dun put on a burst of speed, extending his scimitar towards Yuan's back. Almost got him. . . almost. . .

The blade's tip grazed his brother's armour.

Dun snarled and threw his weight forward in an attempt to plunge the sword home. He missed his target and stumbled.

Gritting his teeth, he righted himself and ran on. He raised his scimitar high as he slowly closed the gap again.

Yuan ran faster, still unaware of his impending doom. Dun cursed as he fell further behind.

Cao Cao drew alongside him. "Cousin . . .are you trying to- "

"COME HERE, YOU BLOATED SACK OF SHIT! I'M GOING TO SPIT YOU LIKE A PIG!"

"I'll take that as a yes, shall I?"

Xiahou Yuan finally looked over his shoulder. On many levels he wished he hadn't. "I thought you said no hard feelings!"

"You won't have any when I catch you!"

Sun Jian stood at the summit of the mountain. Before him was a huge, iron-barred fence with a sturdy gate, and beyond that, against all odds, was a perfectly manicured garden. Attached to the gate was a note:

IT WOULD NOT BE FAIR TO OPEN THE GATE UNTIL ALL OF THE GUESTS HAVE ARRIVED. AND YES, LORD SUN JIAN, I REALLY CAN SEE THE FUTURE. -ZL

Other guests? What the hell's that supposed to mean? Sun Jian gripped the bars of the gate and shook it. The 6 foot wide, 10 foot tall barrier rattled noisily, but otherwise didn't move. Past the garden he could see firelight coming from inside a cave "Argh, open up!"

Something rustled through the bushes inside the fence. Jian squinted into the growing darkness, but saw nothing. He thought he heard a growl, but probably imagined it.

"Son of a bitch," Jian cursed, bashing against the bars. "It's not fair!" Why does this shit always happen to me? I mean, I'm basically a good guy. Maybe not kiss-peasant-arse-good like that Liu Bei, but I think I hold my own in the hero stakes.

With a sigh, he slumped down against a boulder to wait. He has to come out sooner or later. . .

"Greetings, Ancestor of the Three Kingdoms," a serene voice said.

Sun Jian's head snapped up, but he couldn't see where the voice had come from. Ancestor? "Who's there? What are the Three Kingdoms?"

The voice sighed. "Just a little project I've been working on. It's almost ready." Behind the gate, a man in a white coat materialized. He held a chicken by the legs and was fanning himself with it.

"I apologise," the man said. "My body was on a higher plain of existence."

Jian gaped. "W- what are. . . you're Zhuge Liang!"

The mystic fanned himself. "Very astute, Lord Sun Jian. With such intelligence you may one day conquer the alphabet."

My God, the man's holding a chicken. . . Jian thought. "Hey wait- how did you know my name?"

"I know everything. I am next in line for the throne of God. My wisdom is infinite. Everything that I do has great meaning."

"Okay. . . then what's with the. . .warchicken? I heard you were married, but that's a bit strange."

Sun Jian watched the strategist's impassive face for a few moment, then brightened. "Hey, does that make you a cock?"

". . . Nobody likes a smart arse, Lord Sun Jian." Zhuge Liang aimed his bird at the warrior. "Least of all me."

A pillar of golden light leaped from the chicken's open beak. Sun Jian watched wide-eyed as it shot through the darkness and burned a glowing yin-yang symbol into the boulder he stood near. After a second, the rock exploded in a shower of jagged fragments.

Zhuge Liang slung the chicken over his shoulder and walked off towards his cave. "I will let you know when I wish to speak with you."

Jian spat out stone dust "Hey, HEY! Get. . .back. . ."

He sighed. "Cluck it all."

"Are you sure this is the right place," Sun Shang Xiang asked, reining her horse in. Ling Tong and Gan Ning pulled up to her right, Huang Gai to her left. The older man gazed upwards at the mountain silhouetted against an over-sized, rising full moon. At the peak's very top, a tiny point of light flickered.

"Yes, my lady. We must make haste and find your father."

Shang Xiang nodded. One day after Sun Jian's departure for the nameless mountain, an investigation into Zhou Yu's untimely death had revealed shocking new evidence. It was discovered that on the night of the feast Knowing that Jian could be in mortal danger, the four officers rushed to his aid.

"We can only hope we're not too late," she whispered.

Gan Ning scratched his head. "Personally, I don't really give a shit if he lives or dies."

The others turned to him, on the verge of drawing their weapons.

"What? Ex-pirate, ex-pirate hunter- not that tough, really."

Ling Tong twirled his nunchaku. He turned puppy-eyed to Shang Xiang. "Lady Sun, watch as I punish this wretch for you! Die, traitor!"

He spun his weapon at the pirate. Gan Ning ducked, and Ling Tong cracked himself in the head.

"The future of Wu," Huang Gai muttered sadly, dismounting.

Ling Tong slid out of his saddle and hit the ground with a thud. Gan Ning stepped on him as he dismounted smoothly. Wiping his feet, he hopped down beside Gai.

Shang Xiang leaped from her horse onto Huang Gai's shoulders, wrapping her arms around his neck. She pointed up the mountain "Let's go! We have to tell father! Oh, and Gan Ning gets to carry Ling Tong."

Gan Ning folded his arms. "Nuh-uh! No way am I carrying the smarmy little bitch."

Jian's daughter moved in a blur, coming up behind the pirate and holding a chakram between his legs. "I'm sorry, what was that," she asked sweetly.

Ling Tong sat up, rubbing his head. "Don't waste your time, Lady Sun. He doesn't have any balls."

Gan Ning gave Tong the finger. "Go screw a dog."

"Fine, I will!"

"I'm going ahead to find our lord," Huang Gai boomed over the argument. "Anyone who feels like joining me had better keep up."

Sun Shang Xiang hopped back onto Gai's shoulders, grabbing his ears. "Move out!"

Ling Tong gave a sharp salute. "I'll do whatever you say, Lady Sun," he drooled dreamily.

Gan Ning coughed. "So long as it doesn't require more than five brain cells."

"Get stuffed."

The four officers began their climb, bringing with them their important news.

"Sun Jian," Liu Bei called happily, seeing the ruler of Wu's dark shape against the lighter stone.

Jian looked up. "What? Liu Bei?" Great, just what I need; a whining, preachy little dickhead to get in my way. "What the hell are you doing up here?"

Bei grinned good-naturedly. "Why, I'm here for the same reason as you! Sun Ce and Quan told me you were looking to recruit Zhuge Liang."

Oh, yeah, that'd be right. Try and take the most eligible man in China for yourself. "Look, I'll be damned if I came all the way up this bloody mountain just so you could come in and. . . hang on, Sun Ce and. . .and. . ." It sank in. "OH, YOU HAVE GOT TO BE SHITTING ME!"

"Pop! You, like, totally abandoned us!" Sun Ce and Sun Quan pushed past Liu Bei and his brothers. "You're, like, a total asshole!"

Jian drew his sword. "Right, I am going to kill you both."

"Heartwarming," Guan Yu commented dryly.

Behind the brothers from Shu, Cao Cao struggled to keep Xiahou Dun an Yuan apart.

"A head for an eye," Dun yelled

"Feeling hungry, are we?" Yuan countered.

"Hell yeah," came the reply. Yuan blanched.

"Break it up or I'll gut the both of you," Cao Cao fumed.

Liu Bei climbed up onto a large rock and raised his arms. "Will you all be quiet? Can't we all just get along?

Everyone just stared at him.

Liu Bei glared at them. "What? What did I say?"

"Hippie," Cao Cao accused. "Go back to. . .Stupidland!"

Guan Yu raised a hand. "Look, why don't we all just sit down and wait for Zhuge Liang to let us in. We can settle our disagreements after he decides who's forces he shall join."

There was reluctant agreement all around, mainly because no-one wanted to argue with the hairy wookie-man. The officers sat down in a circle and started a campfire in the middle.

Then there was silence, save for the crackling of the fire. It went on for several minutes, until Sun Jian spoke. "Sun Ce?"

"Yeah?"

"I hate you."

More time passed.

Cao Cao shook his head. "I really don't know why you're all here. It's obvious that Zhuge Liang will join me."

"Three cheers for lord Cao Cao," Yuan shouted.

"Aye," seconded Dun, his singular eye scanning the gathering. He blinked. Officers whispered and chuckled quietly. "What? Is something wrong?"

Guan Yu cleared his throat and explained. "You said 'aye.' You only have one eye. It was. . . funny."

"Aargh! That's ridiculous! Just because I say 'aye', doesn't mean- "

"Liang will join me," Sun Jian said firmly. I am the land's on true hero."

"As if a friggin' pirate would know anything,' Cao Cao muttered.

"I was a pirate hunter."

"Like I give a shit."

"I've had enough," Liu Bei said firmly. "If Zhuge Liang won't come out, I say one of us climbs the fence and opens the gate!"

Cao and Jian agreed. "But who?"

Xiahou Dun grinned deviously. "How about Xiahou Yuan does it?"

"What? Me? I'm not going to- "

"Perfect," Cao Cao said, clapping his hands together. He went over and began whispering to Yuan. "Right, as soon as you're over the fence, make a run for the cave and do your best to sell us to Zhuge Liang. I'm counting on you, cousin!"

"Now go unlock the gate so we can do everything all fair-like."

Before Yuan could say anything, Guan Yu and Zhang Fei grabbed him by the arms and hauled him to his feet. With little effort they tossed the thrashing, yelling man over the fence.

Yuan hit the ground on the other side hard, rolling into a stone lantern pillar. He groaned and sat up. Around him he could see vast and elaborately designed flower arrangements, and many bushes. A small, man-made river trickled somewhere nearby.

The full moon gave off enough light to see by. Yuan stood up, but was unable to see the mystic's cave. He turned back to the fence, to see the others crowded close to it.

Xiahou Dun grinned and waved enthusiastically.

"You bastard! You one-eyed monster! I swear, when I- "

"Get a move on, cousin! Run and tell Zhuge Liang how totally fab I am!"

Liu Bei and Sun Jian glared at him. "You treacherous piece of shit!"

Cao Cao smirked. "I can't help it if you're gullible."

"Even I saw that coming," Zhang Fei muttered.

Xiahou Yuan ran off through the garden, looking for the glimmer of firelight. He looked back at the officers of Shu and Wu. "In your face, losers! Zhuge Liang will join Lord Cao Cao! Hahaha- "

Something growled from the bushes off to the side. Yuan froze. He turned his head slowly. Nothing. He kept walking, more quickly now. Bushes rustled. A twig snapped.

Yuan hefted his club. "Who's there? Show yourself!"

Something darted out of the bushes towards him. He caught a glimpse of narrow golden eyes, gnashing yellow fangs and a wild unibrow, before he realised he'd just been impaled. Another vicious attack saw his head slide from his shoulders and bounce to the grass like a basket ball.

Yue Ying, on all-fours scooped the head up and examined it. She didn't think it a great specimen, so she kicked it back over the fence.

Xiahou Dun caught it on the other side. "Hello again, brother. Oh, this is a good day. . ."

And there it is. Thanks to animesage for Yuan's death, and alsothanks to The Providence Crow and MasamuneDate for their ideas (I might still be able to work them in somewhere, but obviously not to kill Xiahou Yuan.)