If Not For Fear IV

Every moment he was away from the house, Ennis worried about Jack. After the things Jack had said earlier, Ennis had reason, he thought, to worry. Jack had gotten sick when he made it to Ennis' house, but hearing Jack's story he knew he hadn't been well for much longer. Ennis' brain would seize up every time he thought of how much pain Jack had been in…how much pain Ennis had helped Jack to be in.

Suddenly, an unbelievably sobering thought ripped through Ennis' brain. He had left the rifle by the door!

He panicked for a moment but kept telling himself that Jack didn't know it was there. He'd never do something like that now. Please, God, don't let him find that gun.

His foreman was a whole lot more understanding than Ennis would have credited him with, considering what a bastard the guy could be. He let Ennis have a few more days before he came back to work which should be enough to get Jack on his feet so he could take care of himself while Ennis was gone.

He quickly grabbed some groceries and headed back to the house. The whole way there he kept saying to himself, "You fuckin' better be there, Jack. Please, be there."

As he pulled up to the house, he tried to keep himself in check. If Jack wasn't there, what would he do? If Jack found that rifle…

He walked into the house and saw Jack at the sink. He was standing with his back to Ennis. The whiskey bottle was in plain view on the counter…the level a good bit lower than Ennis remembered it to be.

Ennis' head snapped to the rifle by the door. It hadn't been touched. He quickly pushed it into the closet by the door. He realized he had been sweating when a drop rolled down into one of his eyes.

He called for Jack. Jack turned and leaned against the counter.

"Jack, whiskey ain't what you need to get better…"

Jack interrupted, "Will you leave me alone about the whiskey? I can handle it." Jack turned back to the counter, slugged back the whiskey he had, trying hard not to look directly at Ennis.

Ennis was starting to get pissed off at Jack's attitude. "Fine, Jack Guess I'll go pick up these groceries. You need anything? You hungry? I got all this food now…" Jack shook his head, "Nah. Maybe later."

"How did it go with your work? I didn't mean…" Jack said.

"Jack, I said don't worry about that now. He let me have some time so it ain't no problem. Okay?"

Jack nodded.

Ennis went about picking up the groceries and puttering around the kitchen. He was putting up the last of the cans, his back to Jack, when he felt a light touch on his shoulder. His hand froze where it was, a can of peaches almost placed on the shelf. His breathing grew difficult and little tremors ran through his body. He brought the peaches back down to the counter and slowly turned to Jack.

He caught the look of desperation and need in Jack's eyes before Jack dropped his head and hand.

Ennis' control had rapidly been erased by his own need for Jack. He took two steps to Jack and grabbed his face, locking lips, moaning Jack's name. Jack responded, for a moment, and then panicked trying to get away from Ennis. When Ennis realized Jack was fighting, he let him go and backed up.

"Jack?"

"What am I doing?" Jack cried. "It was so hard…I tried so hard and now…I can't do this all over again…can't!" Jack's voice was rising and he started to back away.

"Jack…" Ennis called.

Jack was running his hands through his hair. He was visibly shaking. "This's gotta be some kinda fuckin' dream. This can't be real…me standing here thinking you would love me." Jack dropped his hands and looked straight at Ennis, "Gotta go, gotta go…I can't stay here." He backed up a couple of steps still looking at Ennis, tears starting to flow.

"God, Ennis, I loved you so much," Jack forced out of a clenched throat. He was holding onto the couch now, weakening rapidly as he continued backing towards the door.

Ennis panicked. "JACK! JACK, NO…" Jack kept walking. "DAMNIT, JACK…DON'T YOU WALK OUT THAT DOOR…don't you leave me here alone!"

Jack had reached the door and opened it, one hand on the doorknob and one on the frame. It was open enough that he could see outside…a road that would take him to places far from here…his escape route. All he needed to do was step out and go…just take one step.

"Jack, please…stop." Ennis was scrambling now, looking for anything that would keep Jack there. He stepped to the middle of the living room before Jack could turn.

"You said I left because I didn't feel nothin' for you. That ain't true, Jack, not at all. You're all I ever been able to think about since the first time I saw you."

Jack had stopped…hope flared in Ennis.

"At Aguirre's trailer, when you stood by your truck, I felt something stir inside me. Didn't know what it was but you kept at me and kept at me until I felt more…and then I couldn't get enough of you."

Jack had dropped his head, tears falling to the floor…just one step…one step and he'd be away and safe.

Ennis was looking for anything to say…something, anything more…that would keep Jack from leaving. It occurred to him that maybe telling Jack how he really felt would be the something he needed. He stepped to within a couple feet of Jack.

"Up on the mountain, I was happy, Jack…up there with you. I coulda stayed there forever, just you and me. But coming down, I just couldn't see how we could…two men together out here, just couldn't happen. I was scared…afraid someone'd find out…and then you might end up dead, Jack. And I wouldn't be able to live with that."

Jack took one last look outside…then closed the door and turned around. He began sliding down the door to sit at the base, his hand leaving the doorknob to join his other holding his head, his elbows on his knees.

"I never shoulda left you at Signal, Jack, you're right about that. I been carrying the pain a that mistake and every day wishing I coulda changed what I did to you."

Ennis stepped closer to Jack and went down to his knees. "Jack, ya gotta believe me. I didn't leave that day so's I could hurt you. You mean more to me than anyone. But I was scared. I didn't know who I was now that I'd met you. I thought I was doing the right thing…for the both of us"

Jack softly banged his head on the door.

Ennis reached over to put a hand on Jack's arm. "I ain't the same man that left you that day, Jack. I know what I did hurt you and I'm sorry for that." Ennis was straining to keep himself in place, retain some measure of dignity, so he could say what he needed to say to Jack.

Jack had stopped the head banging, slid his legs out straight and placed his hands in his lap.

"You know me, Jack. I don't ask for nothing from nobody, I don't lower myself to no man…but…" here Ennis struggled to get out words he had never said before, "I am begging you...please…don't go…I love you, Jack, and I don't want you to go."

Jack looked at Ennis quietly, silently for a long time. To Ennis it looked like he was calculating something. Then Jack leaned down and placed his head in Ennis' lap. Ennis held him close running his fingers through Jack's hair.

"I'm so tired, Ennis. I'm so tired of trying to forget you." Ennis' throat clenched but he didn't move. "You were the only thing in this world that meant anything to me. And when you walked away, I was left with nothing. I did everything I could to forget you and move on…try to find a life…but nothing worked. I couldn't get myself to stop loving you."

"I got no more strength left, Ennis. No more. I can't fight no more."

Through tears, Ennis said, "You don't have to, rodeo. You don't have to. Let me carry you for awhile, okay? Let me show you things done changed, okay?" Ennis had a hand on Jack's shoulder. Jack reached up to take it.

"I want you to stay, Jack…stay here with me. There ain't nobody in this world for me neither but you. We both been looking at the world wrong and we both been hurting for it."

"Stay here, Jack. Let's you and me talk. Let's get to know each other. I mean, two and a half years have gone by, people can change. Will you give it a shot, rodeo?"

Jack was quiet for a moment, then nodded his head. Ennis could have gotten up and danced.

But the stress of this confrontation was getting to Jack. "Come on, rodeo. We can talk some more about this later."

"Ennis, can I go lay down? I'm awful tired."

"Sure, Jack, whatever you want. C'mon, let's get you up."

When they were both standing, Jack, holding on to Ennis, looked him in the eye for a moment. Then slowly put his arms around Ennis' waist and held him tightly.

"So many times I wanted to do this, Ennis, just to feel you close again." Ennis closed his eyes and held on to Jack promising himself he'd never let him go again.

Jack stepped back. "Can you help me, Ennis? I don't think my legs are gonna hold me up." Ennis took him by the shoulders and walked him to the bedroom. He helped Jack lay down, throwing a blanket over him so he could stay warm. Ennis was headed for the door when Jack called his name.

"Ennis." Ennis walked back and went down to one knee so he'd be eye level with Jack. He saw that Jack was crying softly.

"I'm sorry I caused you so much trouble. I'm sorry I thought so bad about you all this time." Ennis wiped a tear from Jack's cheek.

"Quiet, Jack. There's time to talk about this when you're stronger. You just get some sleep now, okay? You want me to wake you for some dinner later?" Jack agreed and Ennis walked out and went to the kitchen.

He stood at the sink staring out the window at the mountains in the distance, the wind whipping through the grass in the foreground. As he put his head down, tears fell onto the porcelain of the sink. It had been so close. He had nearly lost Jack again.

Thoughts and images of what Jack must have experienced to make him the way he was raced through Ennis' mind. He vowed to himself…and Jack…to do whatever he could to make things right and bring back the Jack he had known on Brokeback…no matter what.

He stepped to the back door, grabbed his jacket and hat and went out to cut some firewood…he was too agitated to stay in the house and there were a lot of things to think about.

He was out there a long time.