If Not For Fear V

Ennis had finally come back in the house, tired but feeling better. He had rid himself of some of the anxiety he had been feeling…and now had an abundance of firewood.

He took off his hat and coat and walked into the bedroom to check on Jack. As he bent down to wake him, he saw that Jack's eyes were already open. He could see that Jack had been crying some but appeared to be calm at this time. Ennis took Jack's hand and held it in both of his.

"How ya feelin'?"

"Ya meant all those things you said out there…you lovin' me and wantin' me to stay?" Jack said quietly.

"Yeah, Jack. I did. I come to know all this months after I left Brokeback but never thought I'd ever see you again so's I could tell you." Ennis rubbed Jack's forearm as he said this. Jack closed his eyes and then rolled over, his back to Ennis.

"Then I been a fool and I hurt us both. You ain't nothin' like I been thinkin' you were all this time. I'm ashamed to say that now that I see you here."

Ennis was quiet for a moment, "Well now, Jack, I did my share of hurtin' you all the same. But all that's gone now. You and me, we got a whole new future to look at…if you want." Ennis sat on the side of the bed. Jack didn't answer.

Ennis put one arm over Jack and leaned to whisper in his ear for no one in the world to hear but him, "It's you that makes me happy, rodeo…you're the only one ever has." Ennis kissed the side of Jack's head.

Jack opened his eyes and rolled to look at Ennis. He brought his hand up and cupped the side of Ennis' face, then ran his fingers through Ennis' hair, "How many times I wanted to find you…to be close to you." Jack couldn't say anymore.

Ennis, overcome with emotion, laid his head on Jack's chest and closed his eyes.

"You're here now, bud. No more having to look, okay? Just you and me again."

"You sure you want a fucked-up rodeo cowboy hangin' around? Ya know you got your reputation and all."

Ennis let out a quick laugh at the reference from so long ago on Brokeback and raised his head. "Well…" here Ennis just looked around the room, "I don't think I got much of a reputation to begin with, so goin' down from nothin' ain't much of a drop." Ennis turned to Jack and smiled.

"I missed hearin' you laugh, Ennis. You done more of that since the mountain? Cause ya know, I worked real hard to teach you how." Ennis smiled but a little tear formed and rolled down his cheek.

"Yeah, rodeo, I been laughin'. I didn't forget what I was taught." Ennis wiped away the tear and stood up.

"But right now, we got to fix some dinner and I ain't doin' this alone. You got two good legs, so get your ass up and in the kitchen, son. No lazy loafers in this house." Jack got up slowly and followed Ennis to help with dinner.

Dinner over, they both went to the living room. Jack sat on the couch, Ennis in a chair. Ennis had brought coffee in for both of them. Jack kind of swirled his coffee around and looked at Ennis.

"Ya think I'm feeling good enough to have some whiskey?" Ennis pondered for a moment, then got up and poured them both some in another cup.

They were sitting quietly, the fire going, whiskey easing some of the tension of the past few days. They had been quiet for awhile. Jack gave no sign, but Ennis knew there was something he wanted to say. So he waited.

Jack took a deep breath, let it out, and simply started talking.

"After I left Signal, I went to Lightning Flat to see my parents. Ma was happy to see me…she always is. My Dad…well I done talked to you about him. I was so angry that you had left...I was lookin' for a fight." Jack looked over at Ennis…thankfully Ennis had his head down. It was embarrassing enough to say these things without Ennis looking right at him.

"My Dad and I got into this big, hollerin' match…I'd never talked back to him like I did that day. Ma didn't know what to do. He kicked me out and told me never to come back. Ma cried. I kissed her and told her that old bastard wouldn't keep me from seein' her again and I'd be back someday…it killed me to see the look in her eyes when I left."

"I didn't have no place to go so just headed to a town close by to look for a job. I still had some money from Brokeback, it was only a couple of days, but that wouldn't last long. That job only lasted a few weeks. I got into it with the foreman and he fired me. That kept happenin'…me arguin' and fightin'…gettin' fired…for about a year or so, I guess."

"It was so hard then. All I wanted was to be with you." Jack looked over in time to see Ennis flinch. "I couldn't think of anythin' else but you. At the same time, you was the one person I wanted to just beat on." Jack saw that was difficult for Ennis to take. "I'm sorry, Ennis. I need to get this out. I don't mean to hurt you no more." Ennis looked up for a moment and nodded.

"Anyway, I was out drinkin' one night and met this fella from a rodeo nearby and decided right then, that I'd go back to the rodeo and make some money. No more of this workin' on ranches. I was gonna be a rodeo cowboy again and make lots a money."

"I was stupid and took lots of risks. I rode the biggest and baddest bulls. I guess part of me thought that if I fell and got stomped, that'd be the end of my pain and everythin' would be alright for me then. Well, I didn't get stomped but I did get busted up a bit. Broke legs and arms and ribs. Spent some time in the hospital. Didn't stop me though. Kept goin' right back and doin' it some more. Didn't win too much money, though. Nearly starved."

"Then I met this guy…" quick glance to Ennis, "name a Wade. He was a bull rider too. Met him at a bar after a rodeo we both rode in. I didn't win no money that day so I could only buy a couple of beers. He came over and started talkin' and buyin' me whiskey. We both got real drunk that night." Here Jack stopped for a minute. "I don't need to explain no more about that." Ennis closed his eyes.

"Wade treated me real good…in the beginnin'. But as time went on, he got meaner. Then he started hittin' me. I figured it was what I deserved…I wasn't worth nothin'…so let him. I figured, maybe if he hit me hard enough…But he never did." Jack hung his head.

"Then one day he came home real drunk. He had brought this other guy back with him." Jack's voice broke and he looked away for a little while.

"He told me this other guy was gonna fuck me while he watched. I told him it wasn't gonna happen. He got real mad and hit me. Then they both grabbed me and started takin' my pants off. I fought 'em best I could but there was two of 'em. They took turns holdin' me down while the other one…." Jack went silent. "Every now and then one of 'em would punch me again. I woke up later in the hospital." Jack was having increasing difficulty talking. Ennis' jaw had clenched and tears were falling to the floor.

"The doctor asked me who'd done this and I told him I didn't know…that I got caught outside a bar. Wade was standin' near the bed the whole time. I was real scared of him now so didn't dare say anythin'."

"A couple of days before I was supposed to get out of the hospital, one of the other rodeo cowboys came by to tell me that Wade had died after falling from a bull that turned on him. I don't pray much, Ennis, but I prayed hard that day that he'd go straight to hell…no detours."

"That was about a year ago or so. I thought about you a lot then. Maybe I could come find you, maybe you could help me, be my friend….but all I could hear was you sayin', 'Sorry, can't help you. Married to Alma now.'" Jack's eyes were tearing up now with the memories.

"I got jobs wherever I could. Slept wherever I could. Drank a lot. I been drinkin' pretty much non-stop for the past year. All so I could forget…so I could put Brokeback behind me. But each time I got sober, there it was again."

"I don't remember much about the last year or how I lived through it. Lots a times I'd wake up somewhere not knowin' how I got there. Sometimes it took awhile to remember my own name."

"I know that before I got here the other day, I was at a bar about a hundred miles south of here. I just remember bein' real angry. Part of that I think was because I knew I was so close to you." Jack glanced up at Ennis. "I remember goin' to a bar and gettin' real drunk."

"There was this guy came up and started talkin' to me. I don't remember what he…" Jack looked up suddenly and over at Ennis, "Yes, I do. He was hittin' on me. I didn't want nothin' to do with him…you were so heavy on my mind right then…so I tried to leave." Jack placed a hand on his head. "I remember he got real angry and started shoutin' 'faggot' and stuff like that." Tears started rolling down Jack's face. He placed both hands between his knees.

"I didn't do nothin', Ennis. Nothin'. All I did was drink my whiskey and then try to leave. He followed me outside with some other guys, don't know how many. And caught me up against a truck. They started beatin' on me and screamin' at me. I remember bein' on the ground, gettin' kicked, thinkin' that I was gonna die and never see you again."

"But then all the kickin' stopped and they backed away from me. A cop had shown up…I could see the police car lights flashin' against the building. I was on the other side of the truck so he didn't see me. I got up best I could and ran into the woods right off the property. I stopped near this big tree to hide."

Jack was crying now. Ennis couldn't move at this point, stunned by all that Jack was telling him. He hadn't imagined it could have been this bad.

"Last I can remember of that whole thing, I was sittin' by the tree thinkin' that if you'd been there, you coulda helped me…you woulda stood by me. Maybe if I found you, you'd get them to stop hittin' me."

"After that, things aren't too clear. I don't remember actually decidin' to come here. But then I was walkin' a lot, there were some 18-wheelers. I kinda remember standin' at the sign outside town that said 'Riverton'. It was rainin'. And then I woke up in your bed, not knowin' why I was here."

Both were silent for a minute.

Jack kept looking at Ennis for a sign…any sign…of what he was going to do. Ennis wouldn't raise his head.

Ennis put his drink down, stood up and went into the kitchen. Jack was lost. He didn't know what he needed to do at that moment. Did he need to help Ennis or leave him alone? His decision was made when he heard crying from the kitchen.

Jack got up and went in to see what he could do for Ennis. He walked up behind him but didn't touch him. He wasn't sure what Ennis' reaction would be.

"Ennis?"

Ennis was standing at the sink, his shoulders shaking. Jack reached up to touch his shoulder. Ennis spun catching Jack by the front of his shirt and pulled him close. Jack was caught off guard by Ennis grabbing him but was terrified when he looked up and into Ennis' eyes.

Through clenched teeth Ennis said, "Say, 'Ennis loves me.'"

"What…?"

"SAY IT!" Ennis shouted. Jack could hardly speak.

"Ennis loves me," Jack said softly not trusting his voice to get the words out.

"LOUDER!"

"Ennis loves me," Jack said a little more strongly.

"SAY IT AGAIN!" Ennis shook him once.

"ENNIS LOVES ME!" Jack was shouting now trying to get Ennis' hands off of him.

"DON'T YOU EVER FORGET THAT, JACK FUCKIN' TWIST!"

Ennis quieted and took Jack's face gently in his hands.

"Don't you EVER forget that I love you. There ain't never been no one else, there ain't never gonna be no one else." Ennis pulled Jack to him hugging him close.

"I will carry to my grave the shame of not being there for you. But I'm here now and you won't ever have to be afraid again, rodeo. No one will ever hurt you again. I'm gonna see to that." Ennis took Jack's face in his hands again.

"I'm gonna stand by you, Jack. You ain't never got to worry again, okay?" Jack closed his eyes.

"Say you'll let me, Jack, please. Say you'll let me take care of you, okay?" Jack reached up and took both of Ennis' hands in his pulling them to his chest.

"If I stay, can we put all this behind us and start again? I can't carry this around no more."

"Yeah, Jack. We'll start fresh, just you and me, okay? I think we got to get to know each other again…but we got time now." They held each other for awhile, both feeling a balance had been struck and the future looked promising.

"You got to get to bed now, Jack, get some more rest. You still ain't okay from all that walking in the rain you did. I'm gonna clean up here and I'll come in and lay with you for awhile a little later, okay?" Jack nodded and looked long in Ennis' eyes before turning and walking to the bed.

Ennis stayed up a good while giving thanks that this near tragedy had been averted and the one and only person in the world he truly loved…and knew down deep loved him…had not walked out the door.