Part 6: Into the Garden
Zhang Fei leveled his spear as he entered Zhuge Liang's garden, ready for trouble. Guan Yu followed close behind, covering his back. The rest of the officers came in slowly, casting nervously about. By the light of the moon they could see the wet pool of blood where Xiahou Yuan had been killed, and a smear trail that led into the bushes.
"I don't like this," Cao Cao said in a low voice. "That devil woman could be anywhere. . ."
"I that she is named Yue Ying- Master Liang's wife," Guan Yu informed him. "She is apparently quite a strategist in her own right."
"Yes, Cao Cao," Liu Bei added. "A woman does not have to be physically appealing to be possessed of great talent."
Cao Cao snorted. "The last thing even close to being a woman that you found appealing was Zhang He."
"I knew he was a man," Bei protested.
"I didn't," Xiahou Dun muttered darkly.
Dun's relative coherence came as a shock. "Someone must be back on his medication," Sun Jian taunted. Dun luckily ignored the comment.
Cao Cao put his hands on his hips. "Yue Ying had best keep out of my way! I came here to recruit Zhuge Liang, not some revolting harlot!"
A cloud passed over the moon, soaking up its light and leaving the mountain top cloaked in darkness. The bushes rustled again, very close. Cao Cao heard soft footfalls and heavy breathing. The officers all tensed and readied their weapons.
A tingle of fear ran down Cao's spine as the footfalls stopped before him. "Uh, I-I didn't mean to. . . " A thin beam of moonlight pierced the clouds, revealing a glimpse of the figure standing before the Wei ruler. Cao Cao immediately jabbed his sword into it. The figure grunted and fell to its knees.
"Ahahaha, the Wicked Witch is dead!" The clouds parted further, lighting the area again. Cao Cao stared down at the scrawny old man impaled on his sword. The man feebly lifted his rake. "I'm Yun, Master Liang's groundskeeper. . ."
"You mighta made a booboo, there," Zhang Fei commented dryly.
Cao Cao sighed, planted a boot on the man's chest and pulled his sword free. "Well, these things happen to the best of us." The body toppled over.
Liu Bei gaped in horror at the scene. "I don't believe it! Cao Cao, you just killed an innocent man!"
"Save it, hippie. At least I don't eat people."
Sun Ce crouched down beside the dead gardener. "Welcome to the Wei retirement plan, dude."
"Zhuge Liang can predict the future with 99.9percent accuracy," Guan Yu mused. "Yet it appears that he did not see this coming."
Zhang Fei stepped gingerly over the corpse, followed by Liu Bei and Guan Yu. Sun Quan lumbered over to the body and unzipped his fly, ready to relive himself. Sun Jian dragged him away unceremoniously.
After Sun Ce and Cao Cao had stepped over the gardener, Xiahou Dun approached calmly. Cao watched with apprehension as Dun slowly lifted one leg over the body and put his foot down on the other side. He then lifted the other over.
Cao Cao closed his eyes and breathed a sigh of relief. "Cousin, you have no idea how glad I am that you didn't try to eat that- " He opened one eye to see Dun with the gardener's arm in his mouth. Up to the elbow.
"XIAHOU DUN, SPIT THAT OUT RIGHT NOW!"
"Hungry," the cyclops mumbled around the limb, which he started chewing. Cao Cao smacked him in the face with the flat of his sword.
"Keep walking, " Liu Bei told his brothers. The Shu and Wu officers continued on through the garden.
They came to a wide, circular clearing surrounded by thick hedges, and dotted with thirty or so small stone statues. They stood in no apparent arrangement, and cast long moon shadows across the grass. Each each one was about two feet in height.
Liu Bei made to walk into the clearing, but Guan Yu held Black Dragon out to stop him. Liu Bei's face and the weapon collided with a crack- again.
"Aargh!" Bei clutched at his face. "Will you stop DOING THAT?
"Pardon me for saving your life, brother." After receiving blank stares, Guan Yu tore a low hanging branch from a nearby tree and made a show of tossing it into the clearing. It landed ten feet away, between the first two statues. The other officers looked on, waiting expectantly.
Nothing happened.
Liu Bei hrumphed angrily and pushed roughly past Yu, while trying to stop his nose bleeding. He managed to walk two steps before the statues either side of the tree branch began to virbrate. Thin red beams of light shot from their eyes and struck the branch. It burst into flames.
Guan Yu gave an uncharacteristic smirk within his beard. Liu Bei rubbed his eyes and gaped. "H-how did you. . . "
"An informed guess, brother. This would be one of Master Liang's famous stone sentinel mazes."
Sun Jian looked closer at the small statues and an scratched his head in confusion. Is this a joke? The statues stared back at him with their stupid little grins and pointy red hats. Some held canes, some had garden tools, and all had fluffy white beards.
"Are those. . . garden gnomes?"
"No, pirate, they're stone penises," Cao Cao said sarcastically, pushing the Wu ruler aside. "All the rage in gardens these days."
"Stone penises? You mean you brought the rest of the Cao family," Sun Jian retorted, moving back to where he was standing before. Xiahou Dun shoved Jian into the bushes as he passed, and moved to stand next to Cao Cao. They had apparently finished their discussion on the wrongness of eating people.
"Uh-oh. Cooould be a problem," Sun Ce said, looking out at the gnomes. He ignored his father, who was struggling to climb out of the bushes.
"Maybe not," Cao Cao thought aloud. "Keep throwing things in and see what happens."
Zhang Fei picked up a large rock and hurled it into the clearing. The closest gnome facing the rock when it landed zapped it to dust. Other stones and branches followed it, and each was destroyed by the nearest gnome when it hit the ground.
Liu Bei reached up and clamped a thumb and finger over his nose in an attempt to stop the bleeding. As a result, his next words were spoken in a high-pitched nasal voice. "It looks as though the gnomes are fixed in place. They cannot turn."
Jian spat out a leaf and climbed to his feet. "I see. Then it's possible to find a path through without setting them off."
Guan Yu looked thoughtful. "In theory, that is true. Still, it would take a brave individual to step forward and navigate this deathtrap, while leaving a trail for the rest of us to follow."
"I volunteer Xiahou Dun," Cao Cao announced.
Dun's eye narrowed. "You just want to get me killed because of my. . . urges!"
"Yes, cousin! That's exactly what I want!"
"That's discrimination!"
"I. Don't. Care."
"There is no way he's going," Liu Bei, still with the nasal voice, protested. "Last time one of your men was volunteered, you had him make a run for Mr. Liang's cave!"
"Well, I obviously wouldn't try it again."
"I agree with Liu Bei," Sun Jian said flatly. "Instead, we should send. . . Sun Ce-"
"What? Aw, Pop!"
"-and Sun Quan!"
"Flegggle," Quan drooled, oblivious.
"Fine by me," Bei said. Dun sighed with relief.
Cao Cao went red. "How come he gets to kill his children but I can't kill my general?"
The questions was ignored. Ce moved in and tried to hug Sun Jian. "C'mon, Pop! Can't we, you know, bond and shit?"
Jian ducked under his son's open arms. "Ce, I have hated you since the first time I saw you; don't ask me to quit now."
Sun Quan reared on his haunches and panted. "Dadda!"
Jian growled and kicked him in the rump. "Shut up and get moving."
Sun Ce folded his arms. "This is like, so totally not cool, Pop!"
Guan Yu and Zhang Fei each grabbed a Sun and heaved them into the clearing. When Ce landed he rolled and came to his feet quickly. "I hate you! I'm never talking to you again!"
Sun Jian sighed. If only that were true. "I thought I told you to move it! Make some kind of trail so that we can cross safely!"
Contemplative silence. ". . .No."
Confused silence ". . . What?"
"Like, no. Do it yourself, you old bastard."
Jian drew his sword. "What did you just say to me, you ungrateful little shit? I'm going to- "
"Make me wish I'd never been born. Yeah, heard it before." Sun Ce put on what he thought was a superior expression, but actually made him look constipated. "I'm sick of you treating us like we're stupid, and trying to kill us 'an stuff!"
"You are stupid!"
"Thing is," Ce continued, "you're over there, and we're over here. We don't gotta do what you tell us no more."
"You insolent little- " He turned to the others. "I need a crossbow! Does anyone have a crossbow?" No-one did. Jian cursed again.
Sun Ce laughed. "Well, I guess me and Quan are. . . Quan?Ce turned to see his brother crawling on hands and knees in a random direction, gurgling happily. Several gnomes were pointed his way.
"NOOOOOOOO," Ce yelled, running towards Quan in slow motion.
"Hah," Jian yelled triumphantly. The Brothers Shu looked on, mildly amused.
Sun Ce reached his brother just in time, pulling him back from the gnomes' line of sight. A laser still managed to burn through Quan's chewed-on hat, blasting it apart and setting the debris aflame. Ce dragged Quan clear of the danger.
Sun Jian moaned. "Oh, that's not. . . God, why can't they just die?"
"Don't worry- there's always next time," Cao Cao said in a honey-sweet voice. He grinned and slapped the Wu ruler on the back. Jian muttered under his breath.
Liu Bei heard someone approaching them from behind. He turned to see that it was Yue Ying. The devil woman's eyes flashed and she gave a feral snarl. Bei took off, running headlong into the stone sentinel maze.