Part 7: Cao Cao, Hero

Huang Gai stopped in his tracks and motioned for the other three officers to be silent. "I think we're being watched," he whispered. The others looked about the dark rocks, suddenly nervous.

Ling Tong scratched his head. "What? Who would be watching-"

"Shut up," Sun Shang Xiang hissed, reaching down from her perch on Gai's shoulders to cuff Tong hard. He rubbed the back of his head, looking like he might cry. "I just wanted to know- "

"Quiet, whelp," Gai growled, towering over the shrimpy officer. Tong shrank back and nodded rapidly.

Gan Ning poked his sword into Tong's buttocks. "Aiieee," came the predictable squeal.

Grunting, Shang Xiang unstrapped the iron rod from Huang Gai's back and smashed Ling Tong over the back of the head. She smiled with satisfaction as she watched him go down. Gan Ning chuckled- a mistake. The Wu princess bashed Ning in a similar fashion.

Now that there was silence, Huang Gai listened carefully for a few moments. He scanned the night carefully, then closed hie eyes and sniffed the air. Depositing Shang Xiang, he bent and pressed an ear to the ground. More listening followed.

After a minute he rose. "Sorry- false alarm."

"Bastard. . .," Gan Ning muttered.

Huang Gai shrugged his agreement, then winced as Shang Xiang bounded back onto his shoulders. "We must hurry andwarn father!" The two of them continued on up the mountain.

Ling Tong groaned and sat up, then lunged for Ning. "How dare you embarrass me in front of Lady Sun like that!"

Gan Ning rolled and Tong crashed into the rocky ground. "Stow it, short arse, I was just havin' a little fun." The ex-pirate winked. "Besides, I'm sure you'll just disappoint her later, anyway!"

Ling Tong made an evil face. "All right, corsair! You're going down!"

"Not likely, kiddo." Gan Ning turned and took off running musou-style.

Ling Tong twirled his nunchaku overhead and sent it flying. The weapon homed in and wrapped around one of Ning's legs like a bola. The ex-pirate tripped, but momentum still carried him forward. He bounced roughly along, skimming the rocky terrain painfully every second. The jingling bells tied to his belt weren't good for his dignity either. A dozen feet later he came to a painful stop, crashing face-first into a boulder.

Ling Tong hurried to catch up with Shang Xiang and Gai. As he passed the dazed Gan Ning, he turned about and continued up the mountain while running backwards. He grinned widely and gave the ex-pirate two thumbs up.

Gan Ning swore as he tried to regain his feet, but doubled over laughing as Tong ran backwards over the cliff.

"I DON'T BELIEVE I JUST DID THAAAAAAAA. . . "

"Hahahah! Ahahahaaaaha- Unbelievable!" Gan Ning rose, rubbing his bruised face. He disentangled Ling Tong's weapon from his leg and walked over the where the officer had fallen. He peered down into the abyss below. "God, what a friggin' idiot!"

Ning gazed intently into the darkness for several moments, trying to see his rival's body. A thought then occurred to him.

We're not actually that high up the mountain yet. . . He scratched his head. THAAAAAAAA? The guy didn't fall all that far, but that was like, at least five 'A's too long. . . hmmm. . .

A hand shot up and grabbed the ex-pirate's ankle, pulling him down hard. Ling Tong used Gan Ning's body to haul himself back over the lip of the cliff. "You thought I'd go down as easy as my father did, huh?"

"Not really. Ling Cao was pathetic. No-one else could be that piss-weak."

"We'll see about that," Tong yelled, punching Ning in the face.

The two rolled about for several minutes, punching, elbowing and crotch-kneeing. Gan Ning pinned Ling Tong down and cocked a fist. "I know I shouldn't hit a lady, but I 'll make an except- "

Tong head-butted the ex-pirate, sending him sprawling. "You like that, corsair?"

Gan Ning was on his feet again in seconds. He spat out a tooth. "Heh, I barely felt it! Must have been 'cause of all that air in your head!"

Tong tore off one of Ning's bells and held it up. "And what the hell are these for? Christmas is still four months away, and you make a shit-ugly tree!"

"My enemies hear 'em and know that Gan Ning's coming! Makes 'em piss their pants!"

"With laughter."

"Grrr. . ."

Gan Ning sent a straight punch for Tong's head. The smaller officer ducked under the blow and landed a high kick to the ex-pirate's head, which snapped to the side.

Ning spat out two more teeth, but grinned anyway. "Now ya got it! Too bad Lady Sun wasn't here to see your little show, being 'prolly half way up the mountain, 'an all."

Realization flashed across Ling Tong's face, and he turned to find Huang Gai and the princess long gone. "Goddamit!" He bent and scooped up his fallen weapon, then charged off. "Wait for me, Lady Suuuun!"

Gan Ning briefly considered pointing out that Tong was running back down the mountain, but thought better of it. With a chuckle and a shake of his throbbing head, the ex-pirate started up after Shang Xiang. He looked over his shoulder several minutes later, wondering if Ling Tong would keep running once he reached the base of the mountain. It's shit like that that makes shit like this all worthwhile. . .

Cao Cao brandished his sword as Yue Ying approached. "Get back, she-devil!"

On all-fours Ying sprang, knocking Cao from his feet and onto the stone tiles of the maze. She howled to the moon, her eyes glowing. Xiahou Dun rushed in, forcing her back with a swing of his huge sword. She scurried away, snarling.

Guan Yu and Zhang Fei ran into the stone sentinel maze after Liu Bei. "Brother, be careful!" Sun Jian and Cao Cao followed, with Dun as the rear-guard. They could see the light of torches in the distance.

Bei stopped when he reached the Sun brothers. "Well, which way do we go?"

"Like, how should I know?" Behind them, Yue Ying howled.

Bei clamped his hands around Ce's throat and shook him. "Just pick a DIRECTION!"

Sun Ce's eyes went wide. "I thought you were like- "

"The Good Guy? Well guess what, you little punk- I am the good guy! And if you don't stop pissing me around, I'M GOING TO SHOW YOU WHAT YEARS OF BEING SO GOOD AND RIGHTEOUS CAN DO TO THE HUMAN BRAIN!"

"Go l-left, sir," Ce squeaked.

Guan Yu and Zhang Fei looked at their brother with glassy eyes, jaws slack. Liu Bei caught their looks and seemed to revert to his former weak-willed self. He released Sun Ce and patted his shoulder. "I am sorry, my friend. Let us make haste."

Sun Jian rubbed his chin. "So that's what it would take for Ce to call me 'sir' . . ."

Liu Bei ran to the left, between two garden gnomes that were facing away from the path. The others ran after him when it became apparent that he wouldn't be desintegrated. Yue Ying stalked after them on all-fours, scythe slung across her back.

"Where now," Guan Yu asked, a hint of desperation in his voice.

Zhang Fei hoisted Sun Quan above his head and tossed him easily along the path to the right. Nothing happened, except Quan bounced slightly. "Go, go, go!"

They ran on, using Sun Quan each time to check if the way ahead was safe. The younger Wu prince only suffered minor burns from the lasers, much to Sun Jian's disappointment.

Eventually they made it to the middle of the maze, which was lit by several torches embedded in the stone tiles. The tiles were black and white, arranged to form a large Yin and Yang symbol. At the very centre of the maze stood a five-foot tall, grotesquely fat garden gnome. It wore a blue and purple coat, edged with gold. A thin black beard and mustache framed its haughty sneer. In one hand it held a stubby sword, which was firmly planted in its own foot. In the other it held the Wei flag. The gnome was plainly a caricature of Cao Cao.

Cao's vein spazemed. "What in the name of GOD is THAT supposed to be?"

Xiahou Dun squinted his eye. "It appears to be yo- "

"I know that, you fool! Why would anyone make such a-a- "

Sun Ce elbowed the Hero of Chaos in the gut . "Whoa, it totally looks like you! Like, ten years ago, maybe."

The purple of Cao's dancing vein stood out against the crimson of his face. No words were necessary.

Sun Jian looked about. "Where's the creature? She was right behind us a second ago. . ." From the shadows came a chilling howl. None of them could see past the edge of the Yin/Yang tiles.

"It seems she is afraid of the fire," Guan Yu said, gripping Black Dragon uneasily.

Zhang Fei's chest swelled. "Yeah, you run, bitch! No-one messes with the great Zhang. . ." He scratched his bristly chin

"Fei," Yu finished with a sigh.

"Right!"

Liu Bei walked over to a torch cautiously. "Maybe we can use the fire as a defence against-"

Cao Cao swore indignantly. "Hello? Have you all forgotten the garden gnome? I want to know who's idea of a joke th-this abomination is!"

"Mine, of course," Zhuge Liang's voice said.

Everyone went silent, looking all about wildly. Everyone except Sun Jian, who whistled as he waited calmly for the mystic to materialize. Liang appeared behind the unruffled ruler. "Hello again."

"Eep! Oh, I. . . yes, hello!" The other officers fell back in awe of the white-garbed man, whispering.

"I see that you have met my lovely wife."

"No, we met the other one," Ce muttered. Jian glared him into silence.

Liang let it pass as he scanned those gathered. He frowned when he saw Liu Bei. "What are you doing here? You were not invited."

Bei looked puzzled. "Invited? I came here to win your heart and mind- to get you to join me, and rule at my side for eternity!"

The strategist shuddered, thentilted his warchicken slightlyand looked down his nose disdainfully. "I thought I had a restraining order against you."

Liu Bei grinned. "You were just playing hard to get!"

"No, I really wanted you as far away from me as possible. I live in seclusion for a reason: seclusion." He paused, doing a quick head count. "Where is- "

"What is the meaning of that preposterous garden gnome," Cao Cao fumed.

Zhuge Liang looked annoyed at the interruption, but gave a quick smirk as he looked over at the gnome. "Do you like it? I made it myself- my finest work I think. It is you, stabbing yourself in the foot. I would have thought the meaning to be obvious."

Cao Cao sputtered. "Why you contemptuous pile of- " Xiahou Dun clamped a hand over his lord's mouth.

The chicken clucked as Liang began to walk slowly, doing another head count. "Where is the other one?"

Xiahou Dun laughed. "If you mean my brother, he-"

Cao pushed Dun aside. "Yes, let's talk about Yuan. Your deranged spouse murdered one of my officers! I shall expect full compensation!"

Liang ignored Cao Cao. "Not your brother; the other one. I invited three worthy heroes to my home. Liu Bei was not among them, therefore one hero is yet to arrive." There was a collective groan, followed by a flurry of curious whispers.

Liu Bei huffed. "Why wasn't I invited? I'm a hero! Why don't you love me?"

"Love?"

"Like, I meant like!"

Zhuge Liang sighed. "You are a nancy, Lord Liu Bei. A weakling; a smear upon the legacy of the Han. Also, your hands droop below your knees, which I find quite disturbing."

Cao Cao cackled. Bei whimpered. "W-w-what? But I'm the heir to the. . . my arms aren't. . . that funny. . . " He lifted an overly long limb saddly.

"You look like an ape," Cao snorted. There was general agreement. Liu Bei looked to his brothers, who avoided eye contact.

"Freak," Dun muttered.

"Ahem," Cao Cao said loudly. "Why do you have a blatantly disrespectful statue of me and not one of Liu Bei? Or Sun Jian? I mean look at them!"

Liang did look at them briefly. "I chose to make one of you because. . .you are evil."

"What? I'm not evil! I merely want to usurp the emperor and rule China, building a dynasty on the battered corpses of all who chose to stand before me!"

"Dude, that sound's pretty evil," Sun Ce interjected.

"Well it isn't!" Cao Cao snapped. "For a descendant of Sun Tzu, you're as thick as shit! This is how things work: people fight, people die, and those still alive at the end of the day rule the land. At least until tomorrow, when the next group of idealistic bastards come along! How do you think the Han Empire was established in the first place?"

". . . How?"

"IT WAS A RETORICAL QUESTION!"

"Oh, right. . . who are you again?"

Cao Cao ignored him and continued his rant."No, I am not the Villain in this piece- in fact I am the Hero! And that means the role of Villain must fall to. . . Liu Bei!"

Everyone gasped. Zhuge Liang raised an eyebrow

"Yes, people, I am in fact the Good Guy, and I am destined to defeat my evil arch rival, Liu Bei the People-eater!"

"Told ya you'd never live it down," Zhang Fei whispered.

"You to aren't the only ones in this story," Sun Jian raged at Cao and Bei.

"You will not be in it much longer," Liang murmured to himself.

Liu Bei drew his sword. "I am not the evil one, Lord Cao Cao- your words fool no-one! We three brothers vow to end your tyrannical ambition!"

Fei and Yu: "We do?"

"Yes!"

Cao Cao sneered. "Bring it on, hippie! Dun, Yuan, attack!"

". . . Dun, attack!"

Guan Yu sent Black Dragon into a spin. "The first person who approaches shall lose his head!" Dun's charge faltered.

Sun Jian casually shoved Sun Quan towards the bearded warrior. "No my son- don't!" he called unenthusiastically.

Yu side-stepped Quan. "That does not count."

"What? How could that not count?"

The God of War/Virtue reached down and tossed Sun Quan back. "I meant approached of their own free will. Not that I honestly expected anyone to."

Dun swore but didn't move. Zhang Fei did, coming forward menacingly.

Zhuge Liang blew a silver whistle that hung around his neck. The officers froze.

The mystic fanned himself. "As I am a fair man, I shall not speak with you on matters of allegiance before all guests are present. Until such a time, maybe these will occupy your remarkably pitiful intellects." From nowhere Liang produced a worn brown sack. Smoothly, he tipped it up and emptied the contents. Four objects bounced and rolled across the tiles.

"Christmas. . .," Xiahou Dun drooled eagerly.