Part 8: The Last Hero

Zhuge Liang took in the warriors' horrified expressions as the four severed heads rolled to a stop before them. Cao Cao dug his heels in, trying desperately to restrain Xiahou Dun. "We. . .talked about. . . this!"

"You talked- I just pretended to listen! Now let go of me!"

Liu Bei looked disbelievingly from one head to another. "Cui Zhouping. . . Shi Guangyuan. . . Meng Gongwei. . . Xu Shu! Mister Zhuge, were these not your closest friends?"

Zhuge Liang raised his warchicken. In response, the heads levitated slowly into the air. "Once I became enlightened, I realised that they were no longer worth my time. They did not 'get' me." With a flick of the chicken, the heads were cast off into the night.

With a cry of protest, Dun pulled free of Cao Cao and ran off into the darkness after the heads. Cao sighed. Next time I'll bring Dian Wei and Xu. . . the fat one.

Liu Bei gulped. "Y-you. . . killed them, then?

Liang looked suprised at the question. "Oh yes. They were just hangers on. Even with their combined knowledge, they could not hope to match wits with one such as I. Not one of them managed to perceive that as they sat in quiet meditation, someone was behind them with a wood axe. . ."

Sun Jian covered his mouth. "By God!"

"Dude, that is way messed up."

Zhang Fei stammered. Guan Yu's jaw dropped. So did his beard's.

Cao Cao clapped his hands. "Excellent! A man to whom I can relate!"

Liang shook his head slowly. "I am not evil, Lord Cao Cao."

"Neither am I!"

'Really? And what can the people expect under the reign of Emperor Cao Cao?"

"Suffering and misery," Liu Bei cried, pointing an accusing finger at the Wei ruler.

"Please, Lord Liu Bei, allow Lord Cao Cao to answer for himself."

Cao held up a hand. "No, it's fine- I would have said that anyway. . . damn!"

Liu Bei sniggered. His brothers provided back-up chuckles.

"Not that we have to worry, but what could the peasants expect under your rule," Cao Cao demanded. "Peace, love and the distinct possibility of being eaten?"

Liu Bei reddened. "One time. . ."

Cao Cao smirked. "See- he is the Villain!"

Zhuge Liang wrinkled his nose. "We have already been through this, Cao Cao- you are evil."

". . .well, you chop of heads! That's evil, too!"

Zhuge Liang dipped his head in concession, no expression upon his face. "I agree it is evil. That is why I had Yue Ying do it."

Sun Ce burst out laughing. "Dude, you let your wife do that stuff for you?"

The strategist turned his calm gaze on the Ce. The Wu prince punched himself in the face. Liang nodded his satisfaction and turned back to the others.

"I told my wife that executions were classified as housework. She approached the task with her usual efficiency. Such a wonderful woman."

Xiahou Dun came running frantically back into the light, his clothes ripped to shreds in places. Blood seeped from various wounds, some of which were claw marks. He collapsed before Cao Cao, catching his breath. "She attacked me- came out of nowhere! She was right behind me . . ." His eye narrowed. "That greedy bitch! She took all the heads for herself!"

Cao Cao looked down on the warrior. "Cousin, how would you like to lose another body part?"

". . . which one?"

"You people disgust me," Sun Jian spat. He turned to the mystic. "Master Zhuge, who is this other hero you speak of?"

Liang went silent for several moments, considering. All present waited with anticipation, until he nodded, finally seeming to come to a conclusion.

"That would be telling."

There were groans, and then silence as the officers wondered who the other hero was, and what would happen next.

Sun Ce adopted his constipated expression. "You don't know!"

Liang raised an eyebrow. ". . . excuse me?"

"You don't know who the other hero is!"

"Do not be foolish. Of course I know."

"Bet ya don't."

". . . yes, I do."

"Don't."

"I assure you that I do."

"Nuh-uh. You got no idea."

"I know very well who the other hero is, and if you- "

"You so don't know!"

"Stop that."

"Don't."

"I sent the invitations- I know."

"Again with these invitations," Cao Cao muttered. "I did not receive one."

Ce: "You totally don't."

Sun Jian tried to block out his son's existence. "Nor did I. By the way, why do you want to enlist Zhuge Liang. Don't you have that Gou. . . person?"

Liang: "You are being ridiculous."

Cao Cao's gaze shifted to Xiahou Dun. "Yes, well, Gou Jia had a disagreement with my cousin, and he, uh. . . left my service."

"They disagreed on what herbs and spices to use," Liu Bei said. "Not that Xiahou Dun is apparently fussy what or who he eats." Cao Cao glared, but didn't refute the claim. The three rulers took a step away from Dun.

Ce: "No you don't."

Liang: "What are you trying to- "

Cao Cao appraised Sun Jian. "And why are you here? Does Zhou Yu not serve as your strategist?"

Jian looked ambarrassed. "Well. . . all of my officers were at a feast, eating, drinking and having a good time. Shang Xiang had just made a comment about Zhou Yu and Xiao Qiao being lesbians, Sun Ce had gotten his pet tiger drunk- again, Sun Quan was relieving himself on people's shoes under the table, Lu Xun was finishing his lemonade while the adults drank their wine, Zhou Tai, Huang Gai and Taishi Ci were locked in a vicious three-way arm wrestle, Da Qiao was dancing half-naked on the table, Ling Tong and Gan Ning were arguing about what pork buns are made of, Lu Meng was passed out on the floor, and I was trying to think of a way to kill my sons without raising suspicion. Then, without warning, a chandelier dropped from the ceiling and crushed Zhou Yu to the table. If the impact hadn't knocked over Ce's drink, I doubt he would have noticed until morning." He paused. "Circumstances were suspicious, and we believe an assassin was involved- Shang Xiang is heading the investigation. Of course, we only found out later that Lu Meng was actually dead, too. Bad fish.'

Cao Cao and Liu Bei nodded sympathetically.

Ce: "Don't."

Liang: "Yes, I do."

Ce: "You. Don't. Know."

Liang stared calmly at Sun Ce. The heir to Wu brought his knee up and smashed his face into it. He went down hard, and Liang nodded again with satisfaction.

Liu Bei laughed in a Hero Kind of Way. "Hah- I'm sure no child of mine will ever be that stupid!"

"How sure," the mystic inquired. "It would be better for everyone if you do not reproduce at all."

"What? My son is perfectly- "

Liang paled. "You already have a son?"

"Yes, his name is Liu Chan."

The mystic regained his composure. "I see. Well, do not put too much effort into building your kingdom."

"What do you mean," Liu Bei asked, confused by the apparent change of subject.

"Suffice to say that Liu Chan should never be called upon to rule under any circumstances. Things such as countries are fragile in the hands of children."

"I would hardly let my infant son- "

Liang shook his head. "Your son will possess the intellect of an infant for the rest of his life." He paused, considering how to explain. "Imagine if Lord Cao Cao's bodyguard, Xu Zhu, had a child. . . with a grapefruit. The result would be your son, only significantly more handsome."

Liu Bei struggled with the thought of his son being mentally ill, while the other warriors struggled to dispel the mental image of Xu Zhu with a grapefruit.

Sun Jian sniggered. "I wonder what manner of vegetable Liu Bei's wife is? Potato, I'm guessing."

"I DID NOT MARRY A POTATO! AND I CERTAINLY DIDN'T TRY TO FU- "

Cao Cao shoved Liu Bei aside. "What about my children?"

Zhuge Liang turned to him. "One of your son will be eaten by a cannib- "

Cao waved a hand dismissively. "Yes, already happened! Anything else?"

"Cao Zhi, your unborn child and third son, will be an alcoholic poet with an affinity for talking beans. Your other son, Cao Pi, will be as cunning and devious as you are. He will also be as evil, and will attempt to kill Cao Zhi."

"Fantastic! At least on of my legitimate heirs will be cunning!" A shiver ran up Cao's spine as he thought of the sinister looks Cao Pi was always shooting him. You could almost imagine the fangs sliding out. . . "Evil, ay? Hah, if you call me evil then he must be good, as well!"

"Yes, Lord Cao Cao," Liang murmured, fingering a dagger of Megiddo beneath his robe. "I am sure you are correct."

Sun Jian crossed his arms and smirked. "At least my Shang Xiang is normal; intelligent, beautiful, skilled in battle- "

"And destined to marry Liu Bei," the mystic interrupted. The Shu ruler glanced up.

Jian looked as if he would explode. "That's ridiculous! As long as I live, I will never left such an imbecilic weakling marry my daughter!"

Liang tilted his chicken. "Indeed. Yet they will marry."

"Why can't she marry me," Cao Cao demanded. "Liu Bei already has his potato!"

"I am not married to a potato!"

"Oh don't tell me: you ate her."

Sun Jian glared at the two rulers. "Neither of you sick bastards will ever lay hands on my daughter!"

"Yeah, or my sister," Sun Ce added. He turned to Quan. "Right, Shang Xiang?"

Zhuge Liang shook his head sadly, then turned and began to walk off. "I grow weary of this pointless conversation. Join me in my cave once the last hero arrives, and I will answer any questions you may have." The mystic glanced back over his shoulder. "Oh, and if you so much as harm a hair on my wife's head. . . I will kill you. All of you." With that, he vanished.

Guan Yu scratched his beard, which purred in response. "It looks as though we must wait for this other hero to arrive before we proceed."

Xiahou Dun rolled his eye. "Yes, sasquatch, he just said that."

"I wonder who it could be," Cao Cao mused. "Not that he will stand a chance against me, of course. None in the land can outshine the heroic deeds of Cao Cao, Hero of Chaos!"

Hoofbeats sounded in the distance. The warriors looked around nervously. Guan Yu and Zhang Fei took up positions to defend Liu Bei, who was trying futilely to draw his sword. The others stood ready.

A huge white stallion sailed over the maze's hedge border, its rider glowing with holy light. The horse touched down in the maze, it's hooves clopping against the stone tiles as it hit the ground in full gallop. Red gnome lasers fired after it, but none came close to hitting. The horseman could not be seen against the glare as he rode on, heading for the centre of the maze.

Those gathered shielded their eyes as the horse and its luminescent rider drew to a halt before them. The light dimmed considerably as the third hero adjusted the dial on his armour.

Cao Cao gasped in shock, then groaned. The newcomer dismounted smoothly and repositioned his ridiculous, spire-like hat. After consuming several breath mints, he looked down his nose at the Wei ruler.

"Greetings, Cao Cao,' Yuan Shao drawled.

Ha- anyone see that coming? Yes, the Great Yuan Shao has arrived to Save the Day!. . . ahem. This story won't be going past chapter 10 (I don't think), so the last two parts could be pretty long.