Update, everybody!. . . yeh. . .Well here it is; the second last part of my attempt at humour. Like I said, it's long (by my standards).

Disclaimer: For some reason question marks and exclamation marks keep disappearing out of the story. Sorry if that's confusing, butI can't stop it happening.

Part 9: The Home Stretch

Cao Cao blinked. Then blinked again. "What. . . are you doing here?"

Yuan Shao chuckled heartily and waved a hand airily. "Why, how is that any way to greet an old friend? We haven't seen each other since- "

"Since you invaded my kingdom, you fop," Cao Cao growled. He turned away and started pacing, fists clenched "This can't be happening," he muttered over and over. Of all the people. . .

"Still sore, are we?" Shao turned to the rest of the group. "Well, he always did get upset over the smallest things. Like his willie, for example."

Liu Bei burst out laughing, as did the others. Cao Cao's vein convulsed.

"Oh look; he still does the vein-thing. Last time I saw that was- "

"Shut up! Just you shut the hell up!" Cao Cao drew his sword, for both effect and practicality.

Liu Bei approached the golden-armoured hero and held out a hand in greeting. "Lord Yuan Shao, it is an honour to make your acquaintance again!"

"Always," the man agreed, admiring his reflection in a polished arm guard. He smiled a wall of huge white teeth, then looked down his nose at the Shu ruler's offered hand. "Who. . . are you, rube?"

Bei looked a little hurt, but tried to hide it. "I-I am Liu Bei, Lord Yuan Shao. I was a part of your forces at Hu Lao Gate, remember?"

". . . oh, yes. The peasant chieftain."

"Uh. . . m-my time serving under you proved a valuable learning experience!"

"Yes, congratulations," Cao Cao sneered. "You learned to kiss massive amounts of arse, and are now a fully-fledged flunkie!" He spun and jabbed a finger at Yuan Shao. "And you, you are a greedy, arrogant, treacherous, coneheaded BASTARD! We were supposed to be allies- friends, and you betrayed me! Your shifty little eyes settled on my slice of the pie, and you thought, 'Oh, I shouldn't really. . . wait, I'm Yuan Shao; I'll do whatever the bloody hell I want!" He made a fist and started waving it. "You just keep eating and eating, shoving the land into you pie-hole and shitting the common people into the latrine of poverty!"

"Captain Cao Cao: Champion of Justice," Sun Jian muttered.

"Silence, matey!"

Yuan Shao shook his head sadly. "Cao Cao, my old friend, you know as well as I that the land must be united. What I do, I do for the good of the people."

"You are full of crap! Like a-a gold-plated toilet!"

"Coincidently, I have one of those- but that is beside the point. One of us two will rule once the wars are over- "

Liu Bei huffed. "What about me?"

"What about you?"

"And me,' Jian growled.

"Go home, children," Cao Cao sneered. "The grown-ups are talking."

Yuan Shao drew himself up to look over Cao's shoulder. He grinned when he caught sight of the Cao Cao gnome. "Oh my, that is magnificent! Such detail!" He strode over and tapped the gnome's crotch with the toe of his boot. "And look! Just like the real thing- no testicles!"

Cao Cao hammered a fist into Shao's gleaming grin. The Wei ruler let out a scream and clutched his hand, staring in disbelief at the indentations left by his nemesis' teeth. Yuan chuckled and displayed his still-perfect smile.

"Oh, GOD. . . DAMN!," Cao Cao hollered. "WHO HAS TEETH LIKE THAT?"

Sun Jian folded his arms and turned away from the Wei ruler. "So, Lord Yuan Shao. . . why are you here?"

"Oh. . . well, my strategists. . . they have all died."

"What, all two hundred of them," Cao Cao asked sarcastically through gritted teeth.

Shao raised a calming hand "No no- just the useful ones. First it was Feng Ji. He. . . was crushed."

"Crushed," Jian said slowly.

"He was counting my money. A pile fell on him."

"I see."

"Quite." Yuan Shao sniffed. "Then Tian Feng and Ju Shou came to me, with the nerve to say that I was incorrect in my decision to invade Xu Chang. Incorrect! Me?"He simmered with rage. "Of course I couldn't have such uneducated fools advising me, so I had them locked up! Then Shen Pei dared to question my wisdom in doing so, so I threw him in the cell, too." He shook his head. "Terrible business, I know, and you can imagine my suprise when Guo Tu told me that he, too, did not think it wise to attack Xu Chang. You can imagine his suprise also, when I had him booted off the castle wall."

He looked around at the staring officers. "It was about that time I realised that I no longer had any worthy military advisors left. With a heavy heart, I made my way back down to the dungeons, intending to graciously pardon one of the traitorous vermin. When I entered the cell, however, the prisoners were gone, gone! I cast about the cell, and saw scattered papers- blueprints to my castle! The poster of me I had given them to admire still hung on the far wall. Unable to help myself, I drew closer to it, captured in my own ravishing gaze." He paused, flustered. "Then it leaped up and wrapped itself around my face, propelled by the wind that was blowing through the huge hole in the wall! Tian Feng, Ju Shou and Shen Pi had dug through the wall and escaped! Unfortunately for them, the blueprints were flawed. Instead of coming out facing the west, the emerged on the eastern side and plummeted to horrible deaths on the rocks below. Altered blueprints." He shook his head again in confusion, then spread his arms. "Therefore, I am in the market for a new strategist. This. . . Zhuge Liang character. . . seemed worthy of serving me, so I came here to offer him a once-in-a-lifetime chance to do so. Good of me, I know."

"You moronic bastard," Cao Cao muttered disgustedly, pulling himself together.

"You cannot be serious," Liu Bei exclaimed. "It was my idea to visit Zhuge Liang! Mine!"

Shao fixed him with a glare. Liu Bei trembled "O-of course, unless you w-want him, sir! "

"Sycophant," Cao Cao sneered. "Right- Xiahou Dun, kill Yuan Shao!"

Dun took a warm-up swing with his scimitar and advanced on the golden hero. Yuan Shao hurried to his steed's side and undid the saddlebags hanging there. Dun took a step back as Yuan Tan and Yuan Shang sprang from the bags like a pair of coiled springs. "We must protect father! We're coming, father! We will save you father!"

Yuan Shao slapped his forehead and pointed dramatically to the oncoming cyclops. "Over there!" The brothers nodded in union and ran to meet Dun's charge.

Just before Xiahou Dun carved the duo up like hogs, Guan Yu stepped in to parry his attack. Glowering, Dun drew back and glared, "Why are you protecting Yuan Shao?"

Guan Yu leveled Black Dragon. "My honour will not allow me to watch you slay this man. I served as an officer in his army at the battle of Guan Du, and I must aid him once more. I would not expect one such as you to understand the meaning of loyalty."

Silence filled the gathering. Crickets chirped, if crickets live on mountains.

Xiahou Dun cleared his throat awkwardly. "Guan Yu. . . you served Cao Cao at Guan Du. . . remember?"

Yu scratched his beard. ". . . did I?"

Yuan Shao hrumphed. "Unless it was man being eaten by a carpet who slew half of my generals, yes, yes you did serve Cao Cao!"

". . . why would I serve such an evil man?"

Cao Cao threw his hands up. Xiahou Dun smirked at Yu. "Hah! You have now no reason to impede my path! Stand aside!"

Yuan Tan and Shang quaked but held their ground. Guan Yu did so, too. "I have a very good reason to impede your path. I do not like you."

Xiahou Dun screamed and hurled himself at the bearded warrior. Guan Yu roared a challenge and twirled Black Dragon above his head. He heard two wet thwacks, followed by two wet thuds. Behind him, the Yuan brothers' bodies crumpled.

Yu stood stock-still, spear held high, as the heads of Yuan Tan and Yuan Shang rolled past his feet. Without looking down, he said, "I have just killed the men behind me, haven't I?"

Everyone nodded.

Wasting no time, Xiahou Dun pounced on the heads and ran off into the night with them, cackling gleefully. Yuan Shao stared blankly, uncomprehending.

"Ha-hah; your sons are dead," Cao Cao yelled triumphantly. Liu Bei, Zhang Fei and the Suns gaped at Guan Yu. The man's red face became redder. "I swear that has never happened before. . ."

Yuan Shao shuddered, looking down in the purest horror. "My. . . armour! You fool!" He frantically rubbed a thumb across a spot of blood on his otherwise-spotless breastplate. "Have you any idea how much it costs to get this dry-cleaned?"

Liu Bei waited for Shao to say something about the death of his sons. He didn't. Cao Cao ran to the edge of the fire lit tiles. "Xiahou Dun, get back here and finish killing Yuan Shao!"

Guan Yu was glad no-one had put his honour and the two headless corpses in the one sentence yet. Rearranging his robes, he rejoined his brothers before they did.

"Brother, Zhang Fei, it seems that all of the heroes are now present. We should hurry to Master Zhuge's cave while the others are distracted."

"I am a hero," Liu Bei yelled at Yu. "IamIamIam!"

Guan Yu was confused by the outburst, but decided not to say anything. ". . . Let's just go." The three slunk off into the night discreetly. Sun Jian waited until his sons weren't looking, then followed the brothers from Shu.

Cao Cao spun back to face Yuan Shao. "So you think you're a hero, do you? That's a bigger load of crap than when Dian Wei had diarrhea! You're pathetic fool- you and that retarded helmet!"

Shao raised his head to silhouette his profile against the full moon. "It makes me look dashing."

"It makes you look like a dick. I mean that, really."

Yuan Shao's eyebrows lifted. "How rude! How. . . uncivilised. Let us engage in a more cultured affair- " He drew his sword. "- such as hacking each other apart with sharpened steel!"

"Once Xiahou Dun gets back, I'm sure he'll be happy to oblige you. . . after he's done eating your sons' heads." Yuan Shao lost some of his bluster. It seems having a deranged cannibal as a general has its advantages, Cao Cao thought.

"Pop," Sun Ce asked from off to the side. "Hey pop, where are ya?"

Cao and Shao exchange glances. "Zhuge Liang!"

Cao Cao pushed Yuan Shao over and made for his horse. Swinging a leg over the saddle, he yelled, "Nice guys finish last!"

The stallion bucked and sent Cao crashing to the ground. Shao walked calmly towards him, then walked on top of him without pausing. "Whoever said I was nice," he inquired, mounting the horse. "Onward, Beldar!"

After finally catching up with the other Wu officers, Ling Tong pointed an accusing finger at Gan Ning. "You knew I was going the wrong way!"

"Wha? No, I had no idea mountains pointed up."

Tong sniffed. "Arsehole."

"Least I can find mine."

"Shut it, losers," Sun Shang Xiang growled. "This is the summit."

The Wu officers looked to see huge iron fence with wide gates standing up ahead, spread out across the summit. The gates were closed.

Huang Gai set Shang Xiang down. "That gate must be between us and our lord! Stand back, young ones!" He ran over to the barrier. A brief but brutal attempt at opening the gates left the big man with a few sizable dents in his rod. The others began shake the bars, rattling the fence all the way along. "Father, if you can hear me, turn back! You're in danger!"

Ling Tong cupped his hands over his mouth. "Yes father! Turn back!"

Shang Xiang eyed him suspiciously. "What?"

"N-nothing!" Dammit, Tong, don't get ahead of yourself! You haven't married her yet. . .

Gan Ning ran his sword along the bars. "Come on, old man- it's freezing up here! Just move your wrinkled butt and get- " A shadowy figure materialized before them, just inside the gate.

Weapons came up. Ling Tong cried out, Gai growled and Gan Ning hefted his blade. Shang Xiang pointed a chakram at the figure. "You!"

Liu Bei and his brothers moved hurriedly through the rest of the dark stone sentinel maze, using Fei's pike to reveal where the deadly gnome lasers would block their path. The weapon had been cut down to a one foot charred stump, and they were about to move on to Black Dragon when the found themselves clear of the devious maze.

Zhang Fei looked over his shoulder. "Uh oh. Here comes that Sun Jian. He's alone. . . want me to take care of him, brother?"

"What do you mean, take care of him? Are you suggesting that- " Fei hurled the butt of his pike. Jian swore as it bounced off his head.

Guan Yu sighed. "At least he managed to hit him. Sometimes I believe the only thing he sees clearly is the jug of wine approaching his mouth."

"Are you okay," Liu Bei called to Sun Jian cautiously. Zhang Fei muttered when he heard a response.

"You threw a stick at me? A stick? I'm not even worth a rock?

"Accident," Bei apologised. "Very sorry about that."

Guan Yu shook his head. "Do not apologise- he is an enemy."

Zhang Fei picked up a rock. "You heard the man. Don't worry, brothers; I'll kill him this time."

Liu Bei caught his arm. "Don't make me angry, you fat slug," he whispered harshly. "I haven't forgotten the cookies!"

Fei's eyes lit up. "Cookies?"

Sun Jian's dark form moved closer to them. Guan Yu sighed again. "Let us go, before anything else- "

Yue Ying and Xiahou Dun barreled out of the bushes, rolling over each other in a frenzy. The sane officers stepped back as the two cannibals fought wildly for the right to the Yuan heads. Ying forced Dun onto his back and howled to the moon. The cyclops snapped his head to the side just as the woman's jaws clamped down where his throat would have been. Dun howled back and smashed his forehead into her face. The beast woman hissed and fell back, but Dun didn't relent this time. Weapons long gone, they were fighting hand to hand, tooth to fang. Long moon shadows from the primal battle were cast across the grass. Ying's unibrow cast the longest.

Sun Jian cringed as Ying's claws raked into Dun shoulder. The Wei general responded by kicking her shins repeatedly. The strategist's wife hissed and sprang on top of him, forcing him to the ground again. Liu Bei watched the scene with sick fascination, and an unconscious desire to join in.

Yuan Shao brought his horse to a halt before the bloody battle. "Humph- bloodsport. How. . . common."

Cao Cao arrived a few moments later, glaring up at Shao as he moved past. He groaned when he saw his general locked in combat with the devil woman.

Guan Yu hung his head and glanced sidelong at the Wei ruler. "Do you recall Master Zhuge saying that he would kill us all if his wife were harmed in any way?"

Cao Cao shared an exasperated look with the Shu warrior, before having his attention pulled back to the two opponents. They were still rolling around frantically, but they were no longer fighting. Several seconds of stunned silence followed, in which Sun Ce and Sun Quan caught up to them. Dun and Ying were now grunting repeatedly.

Liu Bei looked incredulous. "Oh. My. God. Are they. . .?"

Zhang Fei scratched his beard. "Looks like it."

"This can't be happening. . .," Cao Cao muttered. "XIAHOU DUN, STOP THAT IMMEDIATELY!"

Yuan Shao watched the tussling officers disdainfully "Cao Cao, is this how all of your generals behave?"

Sun Jian leaned in closer. "Is that. . . heavens above!"

Sun Ce cringed "Man, that is wrong."

"Fleggle," Sun Quan sputtered.

Guan Yu slapped his forehead. "Zhuge Liang is going to kill us all very slowly for this."

"Possibly by skinning us alive," Liu Bei noted distantly "Then cutting our bodies into pieces, rolling us into meat buns and feeding us to the peasants."

"Oh you would say that that," Cao Cao snarled half-heartedly. The Hero of Chaos picked up the butt of Zhang Fei's pike and hurled it at Xiahou Dun. Without looking up from Yue Ying, his hand shot out and caught the missile, then crushed it.

"Multi-tasker," Cao cursed.

"Come on," Liu Bei yelled to his brothers. The Shu ruler ran on past the primal pair and on through the garden, followed closely by Yu and Fei. Sun Jian and his offspring exchanged murderous and pleading looks before they, too, hurried off.

Yuan Shao looked down on Cao Cao from his saddle. "It was good to see you again, my friend. We should do lunch; my treat." Chuckling, the golden hero rode after the others. His extravagant cape billowed out behind him.

Cao Cao stuttered for a moment, then cupped his hands over his mouth. "Y-YOU WANKER!"

Xiahou Dun walked over to Cao Cao, panting heavily and grinning. A short distance away, Yue Ying rolled lazily about on the grass, tongue hanging out. The Wei ruler gave a disgusted shake of his head before lifting Dun off the ground by the collar of his cloak. Drawing their faces close together, he whispered slowly, "If Zhuge Liang ever learns of this, I will feed you the rest of your balls. And I don't mean eyeballs."

Roughly, he released the still grinning Dun, then made to strike him.

Yue Ying growled as she rushed to Xiahou Dun's side protectively. Cao Cao fell back in suprise, three feral eyes following his steps. Ying snarled and padded forward menacingly, until Dun got between them. "No, my lady. I ate his son, and he was stringy."

Cao stumbled over, but pushed himself up quickly. "She's just a devil woman," he protested.

"With evil on her mind," Dun said coldly. "A lot of evil."

Liu Bei rounded the end of a huge hedgerow and finally lay eyes upon Zhuge Liang's cave; an unremarkable opening in a huge rocky spur. Jutting from higher up in the rock was a gigantic telescope, tilted up towards the moon. Warm light flickered from within the cave.

Zhang Fei ran into Bei from behind, and Guan Yu into him. The three went down in a pile, which grew larger as the Suns crashed into it one by one.

"Oh shiiiiit," Sun Ce shouted as the mounted Yuan Shao soared over them. The warriors scrambled out of the heap just as Cao Cao ran through where they had been piled, sword drawn and aimed for Shao's heart.

Yuan Shao parried Cao's thrust and hauled back on his horse's reins. Beldar turned and reared, hooves flailing at Cao Cao. The Hero of Chaos ducked under, coming up on Shao's left to hack through the side of the saddle.

Shao fell from his steed's back with a startled cry, landing face first in a patch of bare dirt. Wasting no time, Cao Cao slapped the flat of his sword against Beldar's flanks, sending the horse galloping off into the night. The ruler of Wei then turned back to his former friend, blade raised in both hands above his head. "You and me, conehead- right now!"

Yuan Shao sat up on the grass. He examined himself with a horrified expression, then proceeded to slap wildly at his armour. "Dirt! DIRT! You fool!" He rose and turned away sharply.D-don't look at meeee!"

Cao Cao rolled his eyes. "With pleasure."

"Now, brothers," Guan Yu roared, and the men of Shu surged forward, running for the cave.

"Dude, no way," Sun Ce yelled, and the Suns made their move, too. Cao Cao charged after them, followed by Xiahou Dun and Yue Ying.

Yuan Shao threw himself onto the grass, rolling about frantically in a bid to remove the dirt. He doused himself with the bottle mineral water he always had close at hand, then determinedly suffered the indignity of actual physical exertion and ran after the others. Cao Cao, you will die for this humiliation!

The race was on, and Liu Bei had the lead, with a brother to either side. The Shu ruler looked back over his shoulder, just in time to have a tonfa bash him in the face instead of the back of the head. Blood sprayed again from his mangled nose as Sun Ce vaulted over him, landing lightly between Guan Yu and Zhang Fei. He elbowed Fei in the gut, then reached over and yanked on Yu's beard, which came away easily. "Hah, I knew it was fake!" The beard chomped down on Ce's hand. "Aiieeee!"

Fei slammed an uppercut into the Wu prince's jaw, just as Sun Jian closed in on the left. The ruler of Wu stabbed at Fei, then hacked at Ce. Sun Quan had been coming up from behind, and now sprang to latch onto Guan Yu's back. The now-beardless warrior parried Jian's attack on Fei before reaching over his shoulder to pull Quan free. He tossed the younger Wu prince into the older, who was still fighting off the beard beast. They went down together and fell behind briefly. Yue Ying and Xiahou Dun leaped over the two, running side by side on all fours.

Zhang Fei helped Liu Bei along as Guan Yu covered their rear. Sun Jian began to press his attack, but was engaged by Cao Cao. Xiahou Dun soon caught up and stuck by his lord, helping to beat the Wu ruler back. Jian was almost pressed right into Zhang Fei when Yuan Shao hurled himself at Cao Cao, sword extended. Dun turned just in time to block the golden hero's attack, and Cao then spun, using his sword to trap Shao's blade against Dun's. The noble stumbled backwards, right into Yue Ying. The beast woman didn't bother to attack him, but just kept running right through him.

Sun Jian broke free of the pack, legs pumping hard. He could hear the others right behind him, then saw Cao Cao getting out ahead to the right. Guan Yu then appeared to his left, beard upon his shoulder, and soon they were all running more or less in a crescent formation.

Everything was moving in slow motion as they approached the finishing line, the cave where they would finally get the answer they had all been searching for. Each warrior let out their own deafening slow-motion roar. Their formation tightened. The cave was twenty metres away. Fifteen. Ten. Yue Ying skidded to a halt.

The warriors all hit the invisible barrier at the same time, smashing hard into what might as well have been a brick wall. Zhuge Liang materialised just inside the mouth of the cave.

"Sorry. . . I had to do that." He motioned to the flickering light within the cave. "Come- I have been expecting you."