Chapter 41
Gold
Typhlosion-Pyro LV: 45 (From fighting the Elite Four)
Donphan-Trunks LV: 40
Snorlax-Lummox LV: 41
Ampharos-Sparks LV: 39
Sunflora-Sprout LV: 39
Alakazam-Kazam LV: 47
Hiro
Feraligatr-Highfang LV: 32
Skarmory-Armor LV: 30
Muk-Stench LV: 38
Victreebel-Victor LV: 30
Magmar-Inferno LV: 30
Rhydon (Insert nickname) LV: 42
Crystal
Meganium (Blue) LV: 40
Blissey LV: 35
Sudowoodo LV: 40
Jynx LV: 30
Dragonair LV: 32
Copper
Fears-Fearow LV: 32
Quagsire-Whoopi LV: 31
Arcanine-Flares LV: 30
Machamp-Champion LV: 37
Heracross-Big Pickle LV: 35
Red Gyarados LV: 50
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Gold's Mom opened the door to let three small children in. They were some of the half siblings Gold was talking about before. The fraternal twins: Orange and Indigo brushed past their mother and sat in front of the TV. Their little sister, Pink hugged their mother and sat next to her in the kitchen.
"What are you doing Mommy?"
"Opening mail."
"I learned how to read while we were away."
"Really? Then read this," she said pulling out a letter from the stack.
"Dear Ms. Ryu,
We re-gret to in-form you that your sons Gold and Pla- Pla-."
"That's Platinum dear."
"Right. Gold and Platinum have just been de-de-declared le-golly."
"Legally."
"Legally retarded. What does that mean Mommy?"
"It means they're big dummies."
"I knew that. But Gold's the nicer one. Platinum sucks."
"Where did you learn that word?"
"From Orange." Mom got up and walked over to the living room with Pink trailing behind her. Orange and Indigo had their eyes glued to the TV with their mouths wide open in shock.
"Orange! Why did you teach your little sister that wo-."
"MOM! GOLD'S ON TV!" The twins yelled at the same time. The championship match was being televised. Gold was giving his pokemon a pep talk before the match.
"All we worked for comes down to this guys. If we win this, I'll change that nasty ass food I give you." The pokemon were overjoyed to hear that last part. "But if we lose... YOU'LL NEVER EAT AGAIN!" All of them gulped at once and Lummox began to cry. "Oh yeah. I almost forgot. Kazam meet Lummox. He was your replacement after you left with Dad. Lummox meet Kazam; your predecessor." Gold walked away for some reason leaving the pokemon confused.
(What does replacement and predecessor mean?) Lummox asked. Pyro scratched its neck with its foot and told it what those meant.
(Replacement means gay lover and predecessor means taco.)
(So if Kazam is my predecessor that means it is my taco. I like tacos...) Lummox said inching towards Kazam. Kazam put its spoons up in defense.
(Touch me and you die Pillsbury Doughboy!)
(That must mean Kazam is Lummox's gay lover then.) Sparks reasoned. Trunks and Sprout were the most confused of all.
(What does gay lover mean?) They asked at the same time. Pyro was the one to answer again.
(It's what you two are.)
(A Donphan and a Sunflora? But Kazam and Lummox aren't-.)
(Pyro!) Sparks yelled. (They're only kids, you can't tell them stuff like that!)
(Damn you're hot!) Sparks is a girl. (If we're both not in a coma later hows about you and I uh... knock some boots if you know what I mean...)
(I don't know what you mean.)
(Me neither...)
Gold walked around the arena twice out of anxiety. He tripped over a long metal pole. He picked it up thinking that it might be useful. His restlessness ended when he saw Platinum, Copper, Crystal (well maybe not Crystal) and Silver enter the seats placed around the arena. Gold's father came out at last looking pleased.
"Oh my God..." Gold's Mom said at home. "Not Walter, anybody but Walter..." More and more came and filled the seats around the place. Gold took his place on stage. He signaled Trunks to come out first and returned the others. The old man didn't choose any pokemon. He just snapped his fingers and the ground began to shake.
"What the hell is going on?" Gold asked.
"Gyarados, come on out!" Gyarados came up right below Gold and Trunks and swallowed them whole.
"MY BABY!" Gold's Mom screamed. The three children began to cry at the loss of their brother. In reality Gold and Trunks were still alive but were tumbling down Gyarados' cavernous body and soon landed in the stomach. The stomach acid was beginning to tear up Gold's shoes.
"Now way dude. I am not gonna be the shit of a bloated Magikarp! Bang against the walls Trunks!" Trunks used Rollout on one side of Gyarados' stomach while Gold used his pole to smack the other side. Gyarados eventually vomited them up into the air. Trunks rolled up into a ball and hit Gyarados right between the eyes in midair. But Gold crashed nuts first onto one of Lance's dragon statues.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO DO CRYSTAL IF I KEEP GETTING HIT IN THE DRUMS AND BANJO?" Gold slid off the statue, semiconscious.
"If you keep talking about me that way you're going to be eating your drums and banjo for breakfast!" Crystal screamed but Gold didn't hear her. Gyarados groaned on the ground from Trunks' attack in almost the same condition as Gold.
"Dig backwards Gyarados!" Gyarados, whose tail was in the ground the whole time drilled backwards into the ground. Gold got up and pondered out loud.
"How could it dig with such a flat tail? Or even dig in that condition?" Gyarados came back up fully healthy and rushed towards Gold. Gold raised his pole up vertically in defense. The pole got caught in Gyarados' mouth. Since Gold was still hanging on to the pole, Gold was flung around while Gyarados was flailing. "Hyper Beam!" Gold screamed. Trunks fired at Gyarados' middle section knocking out of the ground and Gold and the pole out of its mouth.
The whole stadium gasped when they saw Gyarados come out of the ground. You see, this Gyarados had two heads. Their bodies were connected at the middle like a twin headed snake. Thus explaining how it could dig when it was knocked out and come back healthy again. Two heads or not, it was knocked out from the Hyper Beam. Walter returned his mutant Gyarados and switched in his Ditto. Ditto turned into a Venusaur and fired a Solarbeam at Trunks. Trunks hit the back wall from the attack and fainted.
Gold switched in Lummox. Ditto turned into a pokemon Gold had never seen before. Gold pulled out the pokedex (I almost forgot he had this thing. Sue me if I don't make them take out the damn pokedex for every fucking pokemon that walks by. Sarcasm intended).
"Mewtwo. The Genetic Pokemon. This crazy motherfucker will kill you and your whole family. Often put in fanfictions for it is either a total emo or total badass. Why are you pointing me at that thing? I don't want to die! Why are you even near this thing? Are you fucking stupid? Read my nonexistent lips. RUN FOR YOUR LIFE BITCH!"
"I never should have added that curse word database... But it has good advice. RUN FOR IT!" Lummox was nowhere near being able to outrun Ditto/Mewtwo. Ditto punched Lummox so hard in the stomach that you could for the first time, see Lummox's ribs. It then blasted Lummox away with a Psychic blast. "Hold on Lummox! I'll think of something!" Gold remembered something about Dittos not being able to hold a form when laughing. When Ditto had knocked Lummox on to its back Gold jumped onto Lummox and used it as a trampoline.
"Hey Ditto! Check this out!" Gold did a backflip onto another dragon statue and let himself get hit in the privates again. "Ta-da..." he said feebly as he fell on to the ground face forward. As expected, Ditto burst into a fit of laughter. It started rapidly changing into all the pokemon it knows. Gold waited until it turned into a Magikarp and then had Lummox use Body Slam on it. Ditto fainted right before Lummox hit it out of fear.
"Yeah that's right bitch! Me and Lummox kick so much ass, bitches faint before we even touch 'em!" Gold started victory dancing around the arena, without realizing that his Dad had switched in his Machamp and was pummeling Lummox to a pulp.
"Seismic Toss!" Machamp grabbed Lummox by the feet and sent it flying into a wall, just inches in front of Gold. Gold stopped in midstep out of a amazement.
"Dude... What did I miss?" Gold returned Lummox and switched in Kazam. Kazam used a Psychic attack on the ceiling making a boulder fall on Machamp's head. Machamp grabbed it and threw it at Kazam instead. Kazam made a beam of light come out of its spoon and sliced the rock in half.
"Earthquake!"
"Reflect!" The underground shock waves couldn't break through Kazam's barrier. Kazam teleported over Machamp's head and turned them into swords of light again (Star Wars Biotch!). Machamp grabbed one with its top two hands and stopped the other with the other two. Kazam let go of its spoons for a second. It kicked Machamp in the chin and took the spoon sabers back while it was stunned. Machamp punched Kazam in the gut and grabbed it by its bulbous head.
Then Machamp pushed Kazam's head right between its own legs. That way, it looked like Kazam was...
"Kazam! I order you to stop giving Machamp a blowjob this instant!" Meanwhile back at home...
"Mommy, what's a blowjob?" Pink asked.
"Its what women do to get men in the mood," Orange explained.
"Mood for what?"
"For-." Their mother slapped a hand over Orange's mouth.
"I don't think she needs anymore of your explanations..." Now back to regularly scheduled dose of ass whooping. Kazam used Psychic to make Machamp back off. Machamp stomped down on the ground causing the entire arena to topple over like a seesaw. Gold stabbed the pole into the ground to stop himself from falling towards Machamp. Kazam fell helplessly forward towards Machamp. Kazam flipped in midair and kicked Machamp in the face again. Machamp let the stadium fall back into place again. Machamp looked exhausted already. Kazam used Psychic one last time and blasted it back to its master's feet. Gold's dad started to talk to himself.
"So this is my seed. A horny, retarded, bitchy, unfocused, and a little bit crazy bastard who knows his way around the pokeball. Just like his old man. Well except for the retarded part..."
"Hey Dad! What's two plus two?"
"Seven. Why?"
"I didn't know. I was hoping you would."
"Just remember that its either seven or pickles...or was it mayonnaise?" He shook the question off and used his own Alakazam; Kazam's mother.
(Uh...hi Mom.) Kazam's mother bashed him over the head with her spoons. (What was that for?)
(For not writing or calling for the past six months! I thought you were dead!)
(Um...Mom can we not do this now? There's people watching and-.)
"Hidden Power Ice!" Gold demanded.
(Forgive me...) Kazam covering its eyes with one arm and using Hidden Power with the other. The other Alakazam froze over when it got hit.
"Fire Punch!" Walter ordered his own Alakazam.
(Oh man... My yellow ass is gonna get kicked...) Its mom burned its way out of the ice and rushed at Kazam. She punched Kazam in the stomach and used Psychic to knock Kazam back. She turned the spoons into swords of light and started slashing at Kazam.
"Fight back Kazam!"
(Hell no Bitch! She might bring in the belt if I do that!) Kazam let his mother beat him until it was in a coma. Gold switched in Sparks and had it use Iron Tail. The Alakazam grabbed Sparks by the tail and tossed it into the air.
"Hyper Beam!" Sparks flipped in midair and fired the beam from above. Alakazam took the attack head on and got severely damaged. Sparks hit it with a Thunderbolt once it was on its feet. This time the other Alakazam fainted. Gold's dad used his fifth pokemon: Tyranitar. It slapped its tail to the ground and took Sparks out with one Earthquake attack.
"Go Sprout! Use Earthquake!"
"Sunfloras can't do Earthquake..." Walter said looking bored.
"Oh. I knew that... Okay use Fire Blast!"
"Can't do that either..."
"Blizzard!"
"No."
"Thunder!"
"No."
"Surf!"
"For the love of God, just do a mother fuckin' Solarbeam!"
"What he said! Man... Sprout can't do anything cool..." Gold whispered the last sentence so Sprout wouldn't hear. Tyranitar fell asleep while Gold was choosing the attack so it got hit by surprise. The Solarbeam had knocked it out with one hit (I know Sprout had no chance against Tyranitar under normal circumstances).
Walter pulled his last pokeball off of the chain around his neck. He released it, revealing the Charizard he had used against Gold back in Ecruteak. It used Flamethrower on Sprout, knocking it out in one hit. Gold was down to his last pokemon too. He released Pyro to face Charizard.
"PYRO USE FLAMETHROWER!" They yelled at the same time. Apparently, they both named their fire starter Pyro. Their flames met in midair and exploded, knocking both pokemon back. Pyro rushed into the smoke blindly and tackled Charizard (though its name is also Pyro, I'm only calling it Charizard to avoid confusion) in the stomach. Charizard quickly recovered and used Iron Tail. The attack sent Pyro flying into the back wall. If that wasn't enough, Charizard flew up into the air and gave Pyro a flying Mega Kick.
Pyro grabbed Charizard by the leg and threw it to the ground. Then it bit its left wing so hard, you could hear the bones crack.
"Dynamicpunch!" Gold ordered. Charizard rolled out of the way just before Pyro hit it. It smacked Pyro across the face with its tail again and then flew up into the air as far as its broken wing could let.
"Earthquake!" Charizard came crashing down with its feet down. Pyro got out of the way just before it flattened it but nothing could stop the Earthquake attack right after. Pyro tripped from the attack and fell flat on its face. Charizard stomped its foot down on the back of its head.
"BLAST BURN!" Pyro glowed dark red and exploded with the lethal fire energy. Charizard was sent soaring from the attack and fell back down right next to its master. Charizard and Pyro both got up at the same time. They stared at each other unflinching as if they were trying to see into each other's soul. And then...Charizard shuddered, fell to the ground and fainted.
"ALRIGHT!" Gold cried in triumph. He ran over to Pyro and hugged it. But Pyro toppled over and fainted on him. "Ugh! Get off of me!" Gold pulled out its pokeball and returned it. "You deserve the rest, dude." Walter returned the other Pyro and walked over to Gold smiling. He TOLD Gold to follow him into the backroom where there was only an odd machine and a screen inside.
"Place your pokemon on the scanner." Gold laid all of six of them on the machine. The machine flashed for about 10 seconds and then stopped. Gold took back his pokemon and faced his father. "It makes me sad to lose but I'm glad that I lost to someone as skilled as you Gold." He turned to leave.
"Where are you going? We need to spend some quality time together or something. We can go fishing or camping or maybe you can show me how to a ride a bike. Come on, don't leave me Daddy!"
"You don't know how to ride a bike?"
"I never got around to it."
"I don't think I should screw around with your life anymore Gold. Tell your mom that I said Hi. Oh, but before I go, let me see your pokegear." He took the machine from him and pressed a couple of buttons on it. When he gave it back, his number was registered on it. "So we can keep in touch. Now if you don't mind, I have to go track down your sister..."
"Bye Daddy!"
"Stop calling me Daddy! You sound really gay when you say that!"
"Sure thing Daddy!"
"I give up..." So long story short, Gold went back home with his friends and had a huge victory party where almost half of the country turned up for. Many people were slept with... Copper and Gold drank much beer... so much chaos then you will ever need to know about. THE END. Wait. Hold up. These bitches still need to screw up Kanto. Haha! The story continues!