sorri. it has been a while. so much has happened in my life. primarily, laziness. here's the 3rd chapter. expect 6. thank you guys for all the review! Oh, i don't own digimon. and, i don't know if this is too deep. i guess the m-rating was good enough.
To Wait, Perchance to Know.
Hikari.
Waiting. It does a toll on the mind and spirit, but it has made me stronger and surer of myself, I guess. Now I'm more patient and humble. Because of all that waiting I've done, I am what I am today. Miserable. You would be wondering, 'But Takeru, you have the heart of the greatest girl in the world! You should be doing summersaults and be shout for joy!' You do have a point. Then why am I still waiting? Waiting… to fall in love. Waiting to be.
There was a moment in time when Hikari Yagami cared for me. There was a moment where I knew true happiness. We were so close. Practically, like boyfriend and girlfriend. So close. But now, I wait here, overlooking the majesty of everything, spitting in the face of God's creations. I wait here, alone.
I am utterly bewildered by the fact that I did so many things for her. I still can't believe myself.
I went about sophomore year without much trouble. I dreaded all of my classes. No, not because of the scholastic challenges, but because of the social anxiety I had. I had friends, or so I thought, and so did they in having a friend in me. The truth is, I had friends for the sake of having friends. I feared the worst-case scenario of being the butt of every fuckin' joke at school. Yah, I did care what people thought of me. Guilty, I am, of a crime far worse than murder.
Anyways, I easily got lost in the vastness of World History. My best daydreams happen there, where I dream that I am the mighty Genghis Khan, or the benevolent tyrant, Alexander the Great. Other than that simple indiscretion, we had one thing in common: We both crave the power that was just out of our grasps. Of course, my dreams, as do my hopes, end with a late reaction to the slugging of a crumpled note, thrown by Hikari. It's always the same question scribbled by one of her pens d'jour, screaming of a not-really recessed insecurity.
"Do you love me?"
And to give a most suited response, there were always the obligatory boxes where I had to check my love for her. Without hesitation, without thought, and without feeling, I always checked yes. Then, I would do the simple underhand-backwards throw past the violet-haired girl Miyako, to Hikari, awaiting my response. It's not like she minded. This whole "relationship" thing was her idea in the first place. Miyako always insisted on playing match-maker, perhaps to make up for her lack of sexual success.
Day after day, this would be the usual routine. Hikari would hurl the note over, I would do my part and toss it back, and Hikari would blush, and Miyako would swoon and pummel me with pushes. Day after day, she would be there, waiting for me outside the gates, her eyes full of hope. They were full of the very same hope I envied. Day after day, I would walk Hikari home, hold her hand as she flirtatiously tug at my long sleeves and walk her home. Then I would give her a peck on the cheek, and think nothing of it. She would always insist for me to stay over her place for a bit, but I would insist that we should wait 'til we were married. I'm not one to take chances.
Day after day, it's the same unexplainable routine. I would run home, as my tears would glisten in the sunlight when falling from my cheeks. I would run to seek the comfort of the darkness within. Day after day, I would fumble around with my keys, trying to open the door in a panic. After getting it open on the fourth try, I would slam the door behind me, kick off my shoes, and pull off my shirt, revealing a grotesquely beautiful amount of wounds, struggling to heal. I would run to my room, ignoring the mirror in the hallway, and grab my laptop, letting out a sigh of success due to the fact that my efforts of downloading the night before paid off. Then, I would moved my mattress that hugged the bright corner of my room, and get a cigar box full of valuables, and proceed to the bathroom, loaded with a bunch of stuff and with an intent to relieve, and relive.
First, I would watch. It was what my body desired. My body wanted it again, so badly. I guess gay porn was my fuckin' Achilles' heel. Image after image, frame after frame of a desired, forbidden passion, every muscle would contract and yearn, wanting more. I laid in the bathtub, with the cigar box placed on the side, and my laptop, flashing my wants, mounted on top of the toilet seat next to the tub. Stroking and squinting onward became clockwork. Then I wouldn't look any further, but just let my mind play with temptation, and I would come into a new existence and understanding, which faded away into oblivion in a matter of seconds.
After reaching several unsatisfying climaxes, I would begin to shake. I would begin to hate myself even more. Covered in my own shame and sweat, I would turn the water on, freezing cold, and reach for the cigar box. My cigar box, full of blood-stained razors. The tears of joy would fall as my blood turned the water a rosy pink, and I would fall into euphoria. Sometimes, my cell phone would ring. Of course, it was Hikari. On some days I would answer it, and talk to her as if nothing happened. Usually, she would tell me about how bad her day was, and how ungrateful everyone was to her. I nod, as if she was looking at me, and drift off into nothingness, only chiming in when her tone fluctuates from the norm, which always signified a question. I would hang up, and repeat the routine, like medicine. Most days, I would let it ring; ready to tell her an excuse the next time I would see her. Day after day, I couldn't begin to explain to myself what I was doing.
Day after day, I would wake up, and act like it never happened, over and over again.
Night after night, Hikari would call. She always insisted on calling me at 2 or 3. I would pretend that I was sleeping, since she thought it was cute that she would be the last thing, and the first thing I speak to, at the same time. I have no choice but to pick up. All I would be doing was rocking myself in the comfort of the darkness. I usually signaled an ending to the conversation, so I would do my thing.
"Good Night, Hikari…"
"Kerukins, don't you mean 'Good Morning?'"
"Yah, probably. Sweet Dreams…"
"You too… Takeru, I love you…"
"Love you too, Hikari…"
The dial tone would resonate for the longest time, literally piercing my heart. I would watch the sunrise, contemplating my non-existent happiness. I would watch the sunrise, contemplating how I would manage to survive another day at school without breaking my façade. I would watch the sunrise, contemplating what Daisuke was possibly dreaming about.
Well, I guess fate thought that this particular routine was getting old. Sophomore year was going by without a hitch. Yes, not much happened that year. All I know was that Hikari was head over heels for me, and I was just there to pick up the pieces and to follow up with the routine.
Oh, I joined the basketball team. Junior Varsity. Not that bad. I would take the long way, around the soccer field, to get to the gym, everyday for practice. Hoping, perhaps to see… I never did. I dreaded the after-practice shower. Let's end it at that note.
Fate is cruel, indeed. One particular warm spring day after school, I did my thing, and Hikari did hers. So, she continued with the ritual.
"Wanna come in?" I hesitated for a minute, as usual. I wanted her to have the inkling that I cared for her, and that leaving was a devastating consequence.
"Umm… Can't." She pulled me in closer, and began to kiss me, and I followed up with a tender nibble to her ear and a gnawing to her neck. She melted, and turned on her puppy-dog eyes.
"Takeru… Please?" How could I refuse? Why didn't I? I had so much to do at home.
"Ok…" Suddenly, my world stopped and my mind froze in its tracks. There he was, sitting on the Yagami's loveseat, lazily, but ever so dreamily, flipping through the channels: Daisuke. Hikari nonchalantly gave a faint greeting to Dai while walking to her room, only then correcting herself by turning around.
"Oh, Kerukins…"
I hate when she calls me that, and yet, she went on.
"Takeru, this is Daisuke Motomiya. He's on the same team as Oniichan." Suddenly, he stood up, and my gawking eyes met his calm grin.
'Daisuke. My Daisuke…'"Dai, this is Takeru, my Kerukins!" Hikari went on, blabbering about how it was funny that after going to the same school for some semesters now, that we haven't even met, let alone, cross paths. What happened next collapsed all my known inhibitions. He began to shake my hand.
"So… This is the famous Takeru I've heard so much about…" All I did was awkwardly nod my head to gesture a 'yes,' which is the least bit usual for me. I tended to retort with a witty, ice cold comment, but alas, I was at a loss for words. This was Daisuke. Before I could stop my mind from imploding due to confusion, Hikari started to drag me into her room, but all I notice was Daisuke, my Daisuke who sat back down on the loveseat, almost seductively, flipping through the channels once again, landing on one particular channel. Finally, I broke the silence.
"What are you watchin'?" I said, sheepishly. He slowly turned his head, and I grew tense.
"Oh. This one show that I'm absolutely in love with! It's about these dopey little kids that get transported to some world where they team up with monsters, and they get into some crazy adventures! Have you ever seen it?" I could see the excitement in his eyes, and that gleam that I couldn't forget, if I ever wanted to.
"Yah! That's my favorite show!" I smiled like I never smiled before. I don't know what it was. Was it because we both shared the same taste in television shows? Was it because my Daisuke was talking to me?
"Really? Well, I know you guys are busy… and besides, I'm waiting for Taichi. We're gonna play some soccer…" Before I could spit out a response, Hikari intervened.
"Good. You do that. Bye Daisuke!" She tried to drag me into her room, but I insisted on staying.
"Anyways, you and me should watch it together sometime… Hikari can't stand it! I'll call you… I'll get your number from Hikari later!" I waved goodbye as Hikari succeeded in getting me into her room. The details of what happened next were kind of sketchy. Hikari kissed me. She pounced on me herd, and she kissed me. She threw me on the bed, and I kissed her back. I felt that same feeling that I always wanted.
I blacked out.
I woke up in my bed, surrounded by the comfort of darkness. The moonlight was leaking through my window, illuminating only on my cell phone on my nightstand, like a spotlight. I rubbed my eyes, hoping for some relief. Trying to regain some sort of focus, I starred at my alarm clock until the blurriness of the emerald quartz crystals made sense. 3:00, it read. Suddenly, I heard an indistinguishable noise, like a sort of flat buzzing. I turned to my cell phone, which was vibrating with delight. I hesitated to answer, but as I glanced over, I realized it wasn't Hikari. It was Daisuke. Knowing it was Dai, I hesitated even more. My heart couldn't handle the heartache that was to come. But alas, I did my thing. I answered the phone, but I had to force the words out of my throat. I had to force out the very same words that my heart was holding back.
"Dai… Is that you?"
"Yah. It's me. I couldn't sleep. Besides, Hikari always told me that she would call you at this hour, and you were totally chill with it. That's true, right?"
"Yah… No problem. So, what's up?"
"Well, I was just wondering… If you're not to busy… Tomorrow, we could hang out together? You know… Play some video games, eat some food, watch TV… whatever you want."
"Umm…"
What to do? This was the very same boy that ruined my dreams, scratched my memories, and stole my heart… Now he wants to hang out…
"Sure… Sounds nice. So, I'll see you after school?"
"It's a date."
I tried to not project the awkward feelings I had into the receiver, so I was silent. Only after a few moments of tension, I said my goodbyes, and he said his.
"Good night…"
"Good night, Takeru…"
And that was it. The next day, we hung out. And the day after that, we hung out. Over the next two weeks, my regiment was quite different. Daisuke and I watched thousands upon thousands of movies, and beaten thousands of games, viewed an infinite amount of hours of television, and became notorious in the Chinese takeout world, being known for tipping well. Hikari stopped calling. Hikari didn't toss any notes to me over her shoulder. Hikari no longer waited for me after practice. Instead, Daisuke was there, since his soccer practice ended at the same time as my basketball practice. I chucked my razors into the trash. I found no need to use them. I actually used my computer to do homework. We did what little homework we wanted to do, together. I took real baths, in the bathtub. For once, I wasn't a slave to the routine, to my addiction. I had a new routine. I had a new addiction. Being with Daisuke became my routine. Being happy became my addiction.
Two weeks passed, and life couldn't have been any better.
I learned something. Someone once told me, "To wait, perchance to know, and all the morrow, you shall be." An odd statement, yes it is. But, It is meant to explain the open-ended questions of life. One cannot be content with his or her life. The purpose of living is to always strive for more. It is meant to never have any regret. It is meant to live not a life of righteousness, but a life of happiness. My father told me this. He told me this, as he left for the very last time. And, I waited, hoping to know.
I don't know why this chapter took a while. i hope its to your guys's liking. reviews! thanks!