Floating Clouds, Flowing Water

Jack had stormed off hurt by Ennis' outburst, stung by Ennis' misinterpretation of his suggestion to move to Texas. Jack knew that Ennis was paranoid about how others looked at him, how they must feel about him loving another man. He knew that it was all in Ennis' head. It was this soul-eating guilt that Ennis had never been able to overcome…this guilt that had kept him from letting the two of them live a life together, love together, be happy together.

Jack looked back at the stream where Ennis was cleaning the pots and plates they had used just a little while ago to eat from. He saw Ennis' bowed shoulders, the aura of pain and despair that surrounded him. Jack had tried everything to help him. He had run himself ragged, exhausted himself trying to get Ennis to open up, to free himself of the ghosts of his past. But always there was this wall, this blockade he slammed into when he tried the hardest to show Ennis that life could be sweet for the both of them.

Jack had hurt himself so many times trying, had by this point grown so tired of making the effort that, right now, he didn't know if he could try again. A feeling of such intense loss overcame him that he had to turn away, embarrassed that Ennis might see him. Suddenly, he felt that after all these years and all the struggle, that it wouldn't be able to last any longer. He had made all the effort that one man could make…and it hadn't been enough. He was empty now…hollow of feeling. Maybe, he thought, maybe this is the last time. I won't be able to live without him but I can't do this anymore…live this half life, this shadow of what could have been between us.

Jack was having a hard time walking back to the tent…truth be told, he was having a hard time standing now that this realization had struck…so he just stood there for a moment trying to let this knowledge of an ending between him and Ennis wash over him. He tried, without much success, to accept that this had to be.

Wiping tears away, he stepped forward, shaking, and into the tent.

Ennis had looked over at Jack still angry that he had made such a suggestion. Move to Texas? What was he thinking? Jack knew he couldn't leave his girls. He knew that the two of them living together was a disaster waiting to happen.

Ennis thought, Jack knows…he knows…after all these years…that I can't admit to him that I…care about…no, love him. That would mean I had to admit I was…queer…AND I'M NOT, ya hear that, Jack. I'M NOT QUEER! I can't be. It just ain't right. It just ain't right.

Ennis watched Jack walk back to the tent. He watched as Jack stopped, unsteady on his feet, breathing heavy. He watched as Jack dropped his head, his shoulders drooping, his normal brightness diminished. He saw Jack clench his hands and rest them on his hips. He saw all the signs of Jack in distress. How many times he had seen this when they had fought…when he had turned Jack away, rejected this wonderful and beautiful man, tossed him aside because of his own fears.

He saw Jack reach up and wipe tears away. A shiver of premonition ran through him. Suddenly he felt a shift between them…a tearing, a rending, an ending of sorts. All his anger and guilt fled at that moment. He stood up quickly and was headed forward when Jack took a step and stooped to enter the tent. Ennis froze where he stood. He knew that something important had happened but was unable to see the full picture. He stood there a moment longer then, without registering his actions, turned and walked away following the stream.

He walked a short distance to where a large rock jutted out of the ground and over the river. It was a favorite spot for the both of them. He walked over to the edge and sat down, his legs dangling close to the swift, cold water.

The image of Jack so distraught haunted Ennis as he sat there. He kept trying to put it out of his head. He'll be okay. He always comes around. He knows it can't be the way he wants. Someone, here he paused, he…could be hurt, could be killed. He ain't the most careful person talking to everyone like he does, wandering around all puffed up like a rooster. One day, Jack, one day it's gonna get you…killed…and then…what about me?

But always Ennis' thought came back around to how much it meant that Jack was around, how much he wanted Jack to look at him, pay attention to him……love him. He could never tell Jack these things. He couldn't find the words. He'd have to open his heart up, admit to himself that it was Jack he loved more than anyone in his life. But he couldn't do that because it would mean…well, it would mean that he was…that way…and I ain't that way…except with Jack…but with no one else…so I ain't that way.

He felt again that shiver of a future unfolding and not a good future. He wasn't really capable of examining things like that so closely. He was too down to earth, too solid and practical. But fear began to overwhelm him. I done made a mistake, I know now. I think this time it's a real bad mistake. Why do I always have to hurt him? There ain't no one else in the world for me and always I gotta hurt him.

Maybe, he thought, maybe I could give in some. It ain't right that he always hurts like this…but I hurt too, damnit! Don't he see that? No, it ain't right…it's Jack that's hurting now. Gotta do something. Gotta make this up to him. Gotta think about this Texas thing. How hard could that be? Can't be anymore dangerous than here. We could still get together…it could still be the same. Things might even be better.

But…I can't think about it right now. How am I gonna tell him about November? He's gonna be real unhappy about that. Don't know what I'll say…don't know how…I'm real scared about this. I'm really scared.

Ennis sat there for a little while longer…the clouds floating above him, the water flowing below him…Is Jack watching the clouds, too? Does he hear the rush of the water?

Gotta figure this out. Don't want him to leave…to leave me…here alone. I want him to…love me…I don't want to be alone.

Ennis sat, lost in his thoughts of Jack…unaware that his flash of things to come…was just around the corner.

The End