Chapter 59
Gold
Cyndaquil-Pyro LV: 100
Poliwrath-Hell Frog LV: 35
Slowking-Lazy LV: 70
Pidgeot-Whirlwind: 36
Ninetales- Hiro??? LV: 100
Donphan-Trunks LV: 40
Snorlax-Lummox LV: 41
Ampharos-Sparks LV: 39
Sunflora-Sprout LV: 39
Alakazam-Kazam LV: 47
Hiro
Feraligatr-Highfang LV: 32
Skarmory-Armor LV: 30
Muk-Stench LV: 38
Victreebel-Victor LV: 30
Magmar-Inferno LV: 30
Rhydon (Insert nickname) LV: 42
Crystal
Meganium (Blue) LV: 40
Blissey LV: 35
Sudowoodo LV: 40
Jynx LV: 30
Dragonair LV: 32
Copper
Fears-Fearow LV: 32
Quagsire-Whoopi LV: 31
Arcanine-Flares LV: 30
Machamp-Champion LV: 37
Heracross-Big Pickle LV: 35
Red Gyarados LV: 50
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"HIRO USE- GAAAAHH!" Hiro ignored Gold and attacked Raichu on its own. He reared his furry black head back unleashed a flurry of gigantic fireballs. Raichu countered with equally strong electric bolts. Hiro leaped over the mass of fire and electricity. He did a somersault kick straight at Raichu's stomach. The attack knocked Raichu onto its back. During this turmoil, Gold was hanging onto Hiro's mass of fur for dear life.
"Hiro stop! Are you trying to kill me too?"
"WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU?" Hiro tore away from Raichu and started searching for Gold. "I'M GONNA KILL YOU, YOU LITTLE FAGGOT!"
"HOLY CRAP! I HAVE ANOTHER USELESS TALKING POKEMON!" This comment made Hiro go berserk. He began thrashing so hard that he bucked Gold off of his head.
"THERE YOU ARE! LET'S GET THIS STRAIGHT! I'M NOT YOUR POKEMON! I'M JUST A VICTIM OF INCREDIBLE CIRCUMSTANCE'S!" Hiro turned away from him and started complaining to himself. "I TRY TO GO ON VACATION IN KANTO BUT BEFORE I GET THERE SOME IDIOT PRETENDING TO BE MICHAEL JACKSON HAS HIS RABID NINETALES BITE ME! (Just so you know, as a Ninetales, Hiro speaks in all capital letters) THEN THE NEXT THING I KNOW, I'M GROWING TAILS OUT OF MY ASS! THEN AN EVEN BIGGER IDIOT TAKES AWAY MY ONLY SHOT AT BEING A HUMAN! ALL I NEEDED WAS A COUPLE OF MONTHS TO MAKE SURE TIT GOT PREGNANT! BUT THEN THE BIGGEST IDIOT OF THEM ALL RUBS SALT IN MY GAPING WOUNDS BY CAPTURING ME LIKE A SLAVE FROM AFRICA!"
"Uh...sorry dude..."
"SORRY?! DIDN'T LAZY TELL YOU THAT SORRY DOESN'T CUT IT ANYMORE? NOW WHERE'S THAT IDIOT DAD OF YOURS? AFTER I GET RID OF HIM I'M GONNA TAKE OUT THAT IDIOT ON THE RAICHU AND THEN COME AFTER YOU!" Gold's Dad was serenading his secrets to Red's mother. She wasn't even listening anymore. Instead she started reading a magazine that she got from... nowhere important at this point.
You don't know how hard it is for me to tell you this
But you remember that shirt you got me for my birthday?
Ahh, well, I returned it for store credit
That thing was hideous; what were you thinking?
Oh, by the way, I wasn't really sick last week
I just didn't want to go to your stupid office picnic
Oh, and when I told you at breakfast we were all out of Rice Krispies?
What I meant was, there was only enough left for me, sorry
"Is he ever gonna stop singing?" Gold asked himself. Hiro was about to vaporize him with a fireball but Gold returned him to the master ball just in time. He pulled the keyboard out again. "Gold used the keyboard to turn Hiro into his bitch." The master ball flashed and then settled down again. Gold released Hiro again.
"WHAT TASK DO YOU HAVE FOR ME MASTER?" Hiro asked.
"Damn. Having omnipotent power kicks ass... RED! YOU'RE FINISHED!"
"LET'S GO!" Gold released Pyro from its ball. It climbed up his arm and hid itself under Gold's hat. Gold pulled both the hat and Pyro off of him.
"Pyro. You can't keep hiding forever. I swear that I'll do anything to turn you back into a Typhlosion. But the one that's blocking that goal is that emo on the giant Raichu. So in other words... IF YOU EVER WANT TO SEE YOUR LONG AND SUPPLE TYPHLOSION'S PENIS EVER AGAIN YOU'LL HELP US BLOW HIM TO BITS!" This motivated Pyro alright. It took its position at the tip of Hiro's nose.
"You guys will attack on my order. But first I have to say my emo little speech," Gold said. "Red! Your heart is cold and empty. I would be doing you and the whole world a favor if I scattered that heart to these empty winds..."
Red didn't say anything. He was lost in silent thought. He finally looked at his little brother with a grin.
"I just can't help feeling so sorry for you. But for the world's sake I have to destroy you big brother. Prepare to be lost to the fury of Golden Flames! OMEGA BLAST BURN!" Pyro and Hiro both let out a Blast Burn attack. Raichu and Red were engulfed by the fires. Gold squinted through the chaotic fires. He saw Red facing him. Red was trying to say something to him but he couldn't hear it over the roar of the flames. Gold read his lips. Red was trying to "Thank you." When the calamity subsided, Red and Raichu were gone.
"WE DID IT!" Hiro roared. "BUT IT'S STRANGE THOUGH... IT WAS AS IF HE LET US KILL THEM..."
"What was started in agony always ends in agony..." Gold sighed. Hiro shook his head out of impatience.
"DUDE STOP IT! YOU'RE BECOMING A TOTAL EMO!" Gold smacked himself in the face and brought himself back to normal.
"Thanks dude. Now let's bring everything back to normal." He pulled the keyboard out again. "First, Gold released his Dad from Red's spell." Walter stopped singing immediately. Red's Mom kicked him in the nuts and stormed off.
"Honey wait! Stop! Women... Man I'm gonna get it when I get back home... Anyway... Good work boys! The three of us are truly heroes!"
"Three of us? What the hell did you do?" Gold questioned. Walter snatched the keyboard out of his hands.
"Walter returned the world back to its former glory." Walter narrated and typed. In a second they were all back in the Celadon Pokemon Center, right where they left it. "He also turned Hiro back into a human." And so it happened.
"Finally! The sexiness has landed!" Hiro said while grabbing crotch.
"You're a freak dude..." Gold said.
"And finally all people and pokemon were returned to their rightful places." Crystal, Tit, the clones, Copper and Platinum were brought back to them along with all the other non-important nameless people...
"I'll be taking that." Gold said taking away the keyboard. "Now I just got to make Pyro normal and make Crystal un- pregnant-." The keyboard suddenly disappeared out of his arms. "WHAT THE HELL?!"
"Finally. I thought I'd never get this back," I said from up above.
"Aw c'mon. Let me fix everything RTJ!"
"Fuck no! After that fiasco I'm not letting anyone touch this thing ever again! Everything stays as is, so decrees RTJ!" Thunder clapped outside for dramatic effect.
"God fucking damn you god!" Gold cursed. Crystal came over to him and gave the hardest punch to the face he had ever experienced. So hard that it knocked him out cold.
"That's for trying to eliminate our unborn child jerk!" She turned to all the others. "I think that's its safe to say that after everything that's happened to us these past few weeks, we all agree that the Kanto region sucks ass." Everyone instead of Copper nodded their heads in unison. "So tomorrow morning I say we head back to Johto." So it was decided. Everyone except Gold's Dad, who was married to Red's Mom, was leaving for Johto.
The next day, Gold woke up in his pokemon center room. But something was wrong. The place was pitch black. No sunlight was coming in and for some reason he felt like he was moving. He reasoned that it was still night time. He tried covering himself with the sheets but instead he pulled out a lump of orange hair.
He pulled out his lighter to see what was going on. He was not in a room. He was actually in a jet black cave. And instead of a bed, he was actually riding an Arcanine. The Arcanine happened to be driven by Copper himself.
"What the hell? Copper are you kidnapping me?"
"Hell yes!"
"Are you high or something? We're heading back to Johto today!" Copper shook his head and pulled a badge case from his pocket. Gold took it from him and opened it. It had all of the badges in it except the Boulder and Earth badges.
"I'm not leaving until I have all eight badges and I'm the champion of Kanto. And you're coming with me!"
"Why me? Couldn't you have taken Plat?"
"NO! You're the master and I'm the apprentice, remember? Look back at Chapter 10 damn it!"
"No offense Copper but I always thought of you as a sidekick rather than an apprentice."
"Whatever." Copper had Flares jump over a bunch of passing Digletts.
"Copper this is stupid. I wanna go home! And besides, Crystal's pregnant. She needs me."
"Again. You're. Not. LEAVING!"
"I can see that you're adamant about this. Fine. I guess I can handle a little bit more adventure before I settle down..."
"Exactly! Now onward to Pewter City!" Copper said as they reached the exit of Diglett's Cave.