Title: How We Live
Summary: Movie spoilers RoyEd Roy, on the other side of the Gate, thinks about the past, doubts, and pain.
Pairings: RoyEd
Rating: K, later chapters might be higher.
Disclaimer: Don't own, not mine.


Roy Mustang stared out the window of his office, conveniently ignoring the piles of papers he had to read and sign. After being stationed in the cold snow it was a blessing to be back at Central. That he had gotten back his old station was almost a miracle. There were still things that he still could not believe. His mind just refused it.

The only way he had been able to stand his old outpost was that he knew, deep inside somewhere, that Fullmetal would be coming back. That part of his life was left incomplete, and Fullmetal never left things incomplete. Sure, he destroyed things and created disasters, but they were always finished. When he just disappeared some marked him as dead. He wasn't; he couldn't be.

But, when Mustang destroyed the array for the Gate, he knew that it was done. That was final. Finished. His brother had his body and he had his brother. It was what he had been searching for all that time. It was what Mustang had been trying to help him with. Their sins from the past could be forgiven; they could be happy.

Roy just sighed and turned back to his desk. He no longer held the feeling that Edward would be coming back. There was nothing to wait for: it was all done and over. Truthfully, it was something he had never expected. When he first learned of Fullmetal's plan to find the Philosopher's Stone he did not think he could do it. That he was a great alchemist, Roy knew. His plan was just so vague that it could never work; it was only 'get our bodies back with the Stone'. The thought process was one of a child. Anyone would look down on that.

But, Mustang learned to no underestimate the kid, over time. Things he thought impossible happened within minutes of being around Fullmetal. His determination could not be ignored. As he slowly traveled down the road, closer and closer to the end, Roy thought he believed that he would do it. He would right the mistake he made as a child. Roy cheered him on in his heart. Only, deep down, he still did not think it would really happen. It was one of those gut feelings; he was older than the brat, and so were the many others who traveled down the same road. They never made it so he would not.

That doubt still burned at Roy. It was a betrayal no matter how it was looked at. If Edward had known about his ambition to become Fuhrer he would have believed it possible. He would have berated and mocked Mustang, but it would be believable. Roy could almost hear him, 'For someone as manipulating as you, I'm sure you could slime your way up there, bastard.'

It had taken Roy seeing Al 'in the flesh' before he understood Ed. He was stupid for ever not trusting that it would not happen. How many times did Ed show him that, over the years? Nothing would be left unfinished. Mustang hated himself for a while as he wasted away at his wintry post.

His office was empty, he realized. It was strange that he had not been shot at as he lazed around, but he really hadn't registered it. As he finally noticed, the quiet almost hurt his ears. He heard slight noises from outside the room, but it was silent around him. It was so quiet he heard the blood in his ears; his eyes went a bit unfocused at this.

This was the silence that only happened late at night, when one was alone at home. For him to experience it at work… Roy shook his head, trying to ignore it. But, once he had acknowledged it, he could not escape. Even making his chair squeak did nothing; that sound was just swallowed in the quiet.

Roy cleared his throat. He almost started to talk before he felt how stupid he was being. First he bothered himself with thoughts of the past, and then tried to talk to himself because he thought it was too quiet.

I should laugh at myself, he thought cynically. Yet he could not. The feel was just too fresh and raw. Like how when Edward had left, for the last time. He knew he should be glad, his job was done. He would no longer have to baby-sit the brat and fix his messes. Fullmetal had accomplished what he had set out to when he first became a dog. It was like he thought before: complete.

He wasn't glad. He was burned, like the doubt or his own flames. It hurt and he didn't know why. Pain, although a part of life when you are in the military, was not something Mustang liked. Pain that had no known reason was doubly worrisome. His mind was playing tricks on him, like when it seemed like she saw phantom images with his eye. There was no reason for any of it: it still happened.

All of this was frustrating. It got in his way. Roy had ambitions; he knew what he should be doing, but he was not doing it. He was just stuck. The past sometimes replayed in his head and at those times his eye saw. He could see Fullmetal.

Fullmetal never left anything incomplete. He always did his assignments, even when he complained. He'd rant and yell and fight, but it would be done.

Then, there was Edward. Fullmetal was the military's dog, but Edward was still free. Roy knew very little of the real Ed. Even after watching him grow up, he only ever saw Fullmetal. The few glances he saw, seconds filled with emotions and unsaid words, they haunted him.

Fullmetal may never leave things incomplete, but Edward did. Even if he didn't realize it, it was true. Roy adjusted his eye patch as he heard footsteps down the hall. He quickly grabbed some of the papers and started signing. He could never let others see how he felt.

Unfinished. Incomplete. Broken.

Well! I actually wrote it. I really didn't think I would, but after finishing the first bit I just couldn't stop myself. I think this is the most I have written this fast. Well, fanfics, anyway. Now I just have to force myself to work on the next chapters. I have very little clue where this is going, but I know it will get even angstier before something good happens. If anything good happens. Who knows? I'm surprised I have been writing angst, as I normally don't. I'm not good at it. Wish me luck and give constructive criticism. I'm looking for a beta, if anyone wants to help.
-Fish