DISCLAIMER: The character's and the universe of the Battlestar Galactica do not belong to me.

Betaed by AMMONITE. Thanks a lot for beta and for encouragement!

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YEAR OF HELL by -yannik-

Chapter Four – THE BEST

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Perhaps that was the way. When Stinger crashed, no one thought about suspecting him of an intentional act. No one would suspect the Commander either. The precious morale would be safe if he chose this way out…

Lee touched the wing of his viper. It felt hard and cold.

The weirdest thing was that he nearly was not allowed to fly at all. After all the struggle he'd been through – first within himself, then while testing his reflexes, accuracy of aim, strength – Lane Ishay told him his breathing effiiciency was too low.

"You can't be serious!" he had told her.

"The bullet penetrated your lung, and…" she'd wanted to explain, but he had stopped her. He had told her to let him fly, begged her, appealed to her compassion, saying he'd overcome his own fear of flying and now she was about to ruin that. Finally he had told her what he'd told Starbuck – that he needed to do this for his men – for morale. And to that Doc Ishay consented; but only because this was not combat flying.

What could be expected was that the Admiral – independently – shared the Commander's sentiment. He also thought that this race would mean a lot to the military people who were stranded at their posts. So the race was supposed to be only a part of a huge ceremony that was fixed. A send-off ceremony dedicated to the people who were going to live on the surface; the one that meant little to them, but was apparently important to all the officers, marines, and crews of the two battlestars. The Admiral even let the gambling proceed, pretending complete unawareness of it. If Lee had been the one to make that decision, he wouldn't have allowed it, but he trusted that his father was a wise leader.

The Commander wondered how many of those people would leave the military if given a choice. And how many of them had that almost organic drive to service? He knew that his father was most certainly one of the latter, and he also knew that the Admiral expected his son to feel the same way. It didn't matter though, because the two Adamas were the only really indispensable people in the military. Everybody else could be replaced – even Stinger as it turned out. His position was to be taken over by Showboat, or maybe even Starbuck, while there wasn't anyone qualified to command a battlestar, besides the two of them. Lee felt he was the one and only person not allowed to make a choice. So he had only one way out of the misery that his life had become.

As he gazed at the shining covering of his viper a thought flashed through his mind - that by taking this road, he would be leaving his father in a very distressing situation. But then he heard familiar footsteps, and a voice calling:

"You're supposed to be suiting up." He would recognize that voice everywhere. "We're due to start in fifteen minutes."

Kara. He looked into her smirking eyes and realized something he hadn't thought about. Knowing her…by taking this road he would most likely make her feel responsible. He felt a chill in his bones. He could not allow that, he had to let her know that she had nothing to do with his choices.

"Kara, if I…" he started speaking, and realized his mouth was dry as paper, his voice harsh. He swallowed and looked at her. "If I don't make it back, please, don't blame yourself, okay?"

"Lee!" she shivered, her eyes widened, and her hand went to squeeze his arm. "You're going to make it just fine, don't be…"

"No" he cut in, "it's not that, Kara. I'm not afraid, it's just… I have all those responsibilities. My people, my crew…I have to remember to be a good example. They're the only reason I'm still around, you know." He lowered his head, wasn't able to look her in the eyes any more. He continued in a whisper: "Because it would be fatal for the morale if the Commander just…gave up. So I can't give up. But this way…" His fingers touched the wing again. "No one would know. This would just be an accident. Accidents happen. Everyone would say I wasn't ready to fly…"

"Stop it" she breathed out, and an odd edge in her voice startled him, made him look up. In her eyes he recognized panic. "Stop it right there. What are you talking about?" She was shaking her head and mouthing some mute words. Finally she regained her voice, though it was faint, a whisper. "You can't do that. You can't… and this way? Not ready to fly? Of course I would blame myself! In fact I already…" she stopped, breathless once more. And then: "Alright!" Suddenly she raised her hands in a 'give up' gesture. "Alright, you got it. We're not doing it. I'll back off, I'll say… I don't know what I'll say, but your honor is safe, don't worry. We're not going to fly!"

She turned around and started walking away.

"Kara" Lee gasped. This was the turn of events he had not expected. "Kara, please, I don't…" he called after her, and when she did not stop he ran a few steps, and grabbed her arm. "Listen. Kara listen to me!"

"No, you listen!" she burst out. "I already killed your brother, because he was not ready to fly, but he did, because I let it happen. How could you think I wouldn't…" She was so emotional about it, her voice shook, her hands shook, her eyes were welling up.

Lee felt so ugly inside. How could he be so careless, how could he hurt her so much? Unintentionally, but that didn't make her pain any less.

"I'm sorry, Kara" he whispered, nearly crying himself. "I didn't think about this, alright? I didn't think, I just…" and then he changed his plans "I'll make it, okay? Let's suit up, and let's go out. Okay? I'll make it. I'll make it back" he said firmly. "I promise."

"I don't…" she hesitated, gazing at him with her eyes so big, so green.

"Kara. We can't back off now" he reasoned.

"We can't" she nodded.

"So let's…"

She nodded again, and headed towards the locker room, with him right at her side. She stopped after a few steps though, and looked up at him. "But you can't do that, you know?" she asked with her eyebrows drawn. "You have to… want to come back."

Lee swallowed hard. He didn't want to. What she demanded of him was impossible. So he lied. "I will… I want… for you." At least that was true "Because I can't let you…" he stammered. "I don't… never did… blame you for Zak. Don't want you to be blamed for me. You know I'm sincere?"

"Yeah" she nodded and a faint smile danced on her lips. "Okay. Let's go."

Lee sighed. Here it was – another way out – closed for him.

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A light in the tunnel. A lone star at the end of the launching tube.

"Nav-con green. Interval check. Mag-cap ready. Thrust positive and good luck."

And a breathtaking pressure when the viper is pulled towards the end of the tunnel. The ribs of tunnel construction swooshing by faster and faster until the eye is unable to perceive them, and they become a blur.

And then as the viper thrusts out of the tube the only reminder of this speed is the feeling of pressure on the pilot's chest. Thrusters on, the plane still moving forward at high speed. And nothing but the air around.

Air. Funny thing they still call it air, when there's no particle of oxygen or nitrogen all around. Oh, maybe one particle per cubic centimeter. What is that? Nothingness, emptiness. Lee remembered once more – there's no air. There's vacuum. Don't fright, no, don't fright.

A viper flew by him, dancing in a silent ballet, in endless pirouette.

"Apollo, this is Starbuck. You ready?"

"Let me get a feel for it first."

"Take your time. I'll kick your ass anyway!" she laughed.

And then her bird backflipped, and rolled over to him, closing nearer and nearer in – what seemed to be – an out-of-control stumble… At the last moment she spun, and put her steel monster in formation at his wing.

He did not cringe. He knew she was going to do that – try to frighten him, only to place herself in a perfectly parallel position. Lee looked to his right and saw her helmet turned to him. With a little effort – and pushing his bird a little closer to her – he could see her face; lips smirking, but eyes wary. She did not relax yet, she feared for him.

He plunged forward, flipped on his nose, and put himself in a position in front of her. A dangerous move he would not dare with anyone else. Anyone unable to read his mind like she did in the air. But she did read his mind, and she pulled her bird nearly to a stop. Vipers' noses were a few feet apart, and for a brief second they were looking in each other's faces. Until she dove below him, and passed his ship barely inches away. He did not need to correct his position – he trusted she would not scratch him.

As she was diving though, he pulled back, and rolled over. As he lowered – or raised – his bird, he could see her really close. He was right above her – or she right above him, it depended on the perspective. He was flying backwards, and she was slowly going forward. Their canopies nearly touched. He raised his hand for a second and brushed the transparent plastiglass that separated them. She did the same. Fingers touched; only they didn't.

And then – a blink of an eye, silent communication – and the ships separated. She moved backwards, he flew away from her. Now she was the one to roll over, and they were side by side again.

Lee looked around, and – quite surprised – noticed that the Fleet was away, far below them. They got so immersed in their dance, that they forgot about the outside world. She noticed the same and laughed lightly.

"We gotta go back, Apollo!"

"Pre-run then. I'll see you outside Galactica's observation deck!"

He dove, nose down, towards the bunch of ships. Full forward, and he outraced her at first. But of course she was Starbuck, and Starbuck wasn't easy to beat. A second later she was at his tail, five seconds later her nose was at his wing. He searched for Galactica, but Starbuck saw her a split second earlier, and she turned toward the ship. Lee had to follow now.

G-forces pressed hard on his chest, and he started feeling lightheaded. Started losing breath. He slowed down, this was not the official race after all. His breathing efficiency was too low – he remembered Ishay's words. This was no combat flying, this was for pure pleasure. Only he was too tense to fully experience that pleasure, even if sitting in the cockpit felt so familiar, so right.

Starbuck was just outside the observation deck when he arrived there. It was crowded, they could see rows and rows of heads. Somebody was waving, but it was hard for the pilots to distinguish faces from such distance. When Apollo got there, Starbuck in a truly "starry" fashion finished a perfectly round barrel-roll. Lee could tell people inside were cheering and applauding her.

He swooshed past her and performed an evolution of his own. A barrel-roll was impressive both in planetary environment, and in zero-gravity, but it was much easier in space. The pilot wasn't upside-down in any circumstances outside of the planet's gravity well, as there was no up or down.

As Kara started spiraling some distance away from the Galactica and Lee followed her, he remembered how they both used to love those illusion games back in the Academy. Now Galactica was above them, hanging nose-down, and they were climbing toward her, tracing a tightening spiral pattern. That must have appeared exciting as well, especially when on top of it they were nearly nose to tail with each other.

They split up, each going in a different direction. This was just for fun, for the enjoyment of the people gathered to watch them.

"Ready?" Starbuck asked.

"Ready" Apollo sighed. There was no way he would win this one. She would kick his ass, but that didn't matter – he proved he was not afraid; he proved his flight technique was still perfect. He only wished he would find this urge to be the best somewhere in his soul, but it was gone.

"Starbuck, Apollo – Galactica." Lee heard Dee's voice. "You go on my mark." A few heartbeats, then… "Three, two, one… Mark."

"Kickin' in the burn!" Kara yelled, and her viper jumped forward just barely ahead of Apollo's.

They were to pass by Enkidu and Adriatic, fly through the ring of Librian Space Park, approach Pegasus on the other side of the Fleet, roll around it, and return to Galactica passing by Astral Queen, GreenLeaf, and Zephyr. Lee decided that no matter what, he would be first on approach to Pegasus. At least half of his people believed in him – the bets they placed proved that – and he owed them no less than winning half-mark.

Surprisingly he outraced Starbuck right after they passed Enkidu. She caught up again at Space Park, because he really slowed down. He couldn't help himself, he got scared. There was enough room for three vipers to fly through the ring side by side, but Apollo suddenly doubted his own precision. At lower speed it was easier to maneuver.

When they neared Pegasus, he was behind Starbuck. He saw her approaching the battlestar's observation deck, and starting to perform a half barrel. He followed her right behind, but just then he found a spark. This little tiny impulse to outshine her. His half barrel was so tight, he came off it sooner than she did. And he was running in front again.

This was it! This was his chance, his moment of glory. He flew like a god, like Apollo. Astral Queen, GreenLeaf, Zephyr. Ships passed, and he was still there, still leading. And as they neared Galactica, he felt Starbuck right behind him, pressing, pushing him to his limits, but still – behind.

He won.

He looked to the side, saw her smile. Saw her roll over, exposing the belly of her viper to him. He rolled as well, neared her. He could only see the tip of her bird's nose, but that was enough. She had his trust, as he had hers. Together, as if glued at their undersides, they barreled and returned before the observation deck, where their ships separated, and bowed before the audience.

"Starbuck and Apollo, return onboard." Came the order.

And Apollo – feeling elated, feeling victorious – flew first. As he landed, and was secured on the pod, he looked to the side once more, and saw Starbuck smirking at him. And as the elevator pulled him down, he realized something. He was in no shape for flying. What he felt earlier – at the pre-run they performed, this lightheadedness – that was real. There was no way he would make it through such a race at such speed. He never checked the speed indicator during the race, and it was tough to tell the speed in the vacuum, where there were no stable distance marks. But he could tell they were flying slowly.

This half barrel at Pegasus – there was no way it could come that tight at top speed.

Kara let him win.

But – surprisingly – it did not make him feel bad.

"Congratulations Commander!" she was already climbing up his ladder, while he was still musing over her generosity.

He could hear cheers, hand-claps and congratulations from all around the hangar deck. He stood up, heart beating strongly in his chest, handed his helmet to Jammer, and raised his hands in a truly victorious gesture.

He was the winner.

Then he leaned towards the boisterous blonde in front of him and asked in a whisper "You let me win, didn't you?"

"What are you talking about?" she acted surprised, offended, but he knew her, and she couldn't lie to him.

She turned around to avoid the subject, and slid down the ladder. He came down right behind, accepted congratulations from Hot-Dog and Duck. Kara disappeared in the crowd, but he had to find her, he had to tell her.

He spotted her a few handshakes later. She was standing behind a pillar, alone, away from the spotlight. That must have been tough for her, Lee knew how she loved to shine.

He approached her, and leaned against the pillar. "Thanks" he said.

Kara just shrugged, and wanted to run away again, but he stopped her.

"Really. Thank you. I want you to know I don't feel bad about this. In fact I feel good, because I know why you did it. You knew how important it was to me, that my crew believed in their Commander, and you gave me that. It matters."

Her head was still lowered, so he put his fingers under her chin and lifted it, made her look him in the eye.

"Your friendship matters" he whispered to her large green eyes.

She smiled this childish, vulnerable smile of hers, that not many people were allowed to see. Her lips slightly widened, did not part, but there it was in her eyes – some kind of shyness, joy, gratefulness, love. And something inside Lee's heart switched. Later he wasn't sure if it was still the excitement after the race, or something else, but he leaned closer to her…

And placed a kiss on her lips.

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t.b.c.