DISCLAIMER: The character's and the universe of the Battlestar Galactica do not belong to me.

AMMONITE thanks for beta, and for your input - it made this chapter so much better.

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YEAR OF HELL by -yannik-

Chapter Seven – A FEW WORDS

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A blow! Once and again. Damn, he was loosing his edge, she nearly knocked him out!

Kara laughed that brilliant laugh of hers, so mocking, and loud, and confident. She was flourishing. That messed up, frightened girl from just a few months back was gone as if she never existed. True self-righteous Starbuck was back in full force.

"A few pushups daily would do you good, Apollo" she mocked, when his blow failed to reach her cheek again.

"I'll wipe that smile off your face" Lee breathed out, and realized he was winded.

"You tired?" she asked with mock-concern.

"Nope."

He punched again, and she ducked again, throwing a blow right under his ribs.

"Frak!" he gasped.

"Hope it didn't hurt too much?"

"No!"

"So, how's Dualla?" Starbuck asked, jumping like a crazy bunny. "Getting better?"

If she hoped to distract him, she failed. "Nasti is good. She's back to normal duty." Punch, punch. Nothing but air again. But at least he managed to dodge her left hook.

"Goodie" she complemented. "Maybe I'll get you back into shape" she smiled, and suddenly Lee felt scrutinized. They were usually just teasing each other during these sparrings, but ever since Dualla's breakdown, Kara had started to try to make conversation. As if she wanted to get him to talk about his problems, but was doing it so clumsily, it was only annoying. Frankly – Lee had enough of that with Doc Ishay persisting to get him to her office for a psyche evaluation, which he knew he'd have to obey sooner or later.

He wasn't going to take that from Starbuck though. "How's Anders?" he reversed the question.

"Dunno" her face hardened. "Last we talked he asked me to come down to him. Says he built a lovely tent by the river."

Lee gave her a look. Of course he knew that Anders left for the planet at about the same time she transferred to Pegasus. And he couldn't say it made him feel bad, even though he thought he should feel for Starbuck. But she did not appear to be missing her boyfriend all that much. She appeared quite happy, in fact, finding a lot of entertainment in mocking her Commander each time they met. Which meant a couple times a day. If she didn't have some roster planning to discuss, she'd find some insubordinate pilot who needed to be reprimanded, or at least gossiped about. If she couldn't find naughty boys or girls in her class, she'd drag him down to the gym, complaining of boredom. He was spending more time with Starbuck lately, than with Dee. It made him feel guilty at times. If Anders was up here, things would be more balanced – he thought. Or if Kara went down there… that thought sent shivers down his spine.

"Are you going?" he teased, but his stomach twisted in anticipation of her answer.

Instead she punched and missed him, and then his blow finally pushed air from her lungs.

"Ough! That's the Apollo I remember" she puffed out.

"Need a break?" now it was his turn for mock-concern.

"We could use a few sips of water," she smiled, and stepped down from the ring.

He followed her. They sat on the bench in silence and, though it was good to be silent with Starbuck, she couldn't keep it too long.

"I was wondering if I should move to the surface" she said calmly. "I mean what's the use of us up here?"

Lee nearly choked on the water he was drinking. He realized he did ask her that, just a moment ago, but her blunt statement caught him off guard.

"Are you kidding me?" he asked, not hiding his indignation. "We're the only fence between those civies down on the ground and the cylons! You can't be seriously considering quitting!"

Starbuck gave him a look that he couldn't quite identify. There was an eerie mixture of feelings deep in her eyes, and then her eyelids hid them from him.

"I dunno" she muttered turning away, and taking a long sip from the bottle. "The cylons said they were going away. They left us in peace."

"Peace," he repeated. "And you believe that?"

"I think I want to," she admitted softly. "Don't you?" she turned to him again, and gave him a look as if she was… maybe… trying to convince him to come to the planet, too. No, that was not possible.

"Don't I what?" he asked trying to push that last thought out of his mind. "Don't I want to believe the cylons?" he repeated the phrase. "No, I do not."

"And you don't want to move down to the surface?" she asked, but her tone suggested a statement more than a question. So she did try… she did probe if she could try to convince him.

"No" he said persuasively… and faltered. Didn't he? Didn't he want to believe the cylons? Didn't he want all this war and fight and running to be really over, to start a new life in peace and quiet in a lovely tent by the river? "I do" he whispered, and bowed his head, not wanting her to see his face. "I want nothing more than that," he continued in a soft voice. "But we can't, Kara. We have our responsibilities and our wits, that tell us we cannot trust the cylons. They are lying and deceiving us. You know that, don't you?" He looked at her, and waited for her to nod. She had to acknowledge that he was right. "I know this isn't fair - that Anders is down there and you are up here, but if there was something I could do to get him a job on Pegasus, I would."

She gave him an almost furious look.

"You're so dense, Adama" she spat, and got up. "Let's get back to what we do best." She threw his gloves at him.

He just stood there. He knew now what she meant. All those little questions, not so subtle even. All those endeavors around the subject, not saying anything straight, not asking anything straight. Yes, she was right, they weren't good at conversations, they were better at beating the crap out of each other. This wasn't what a relationship could be built on.

"This isn't gonna work" he muttered.

"What?" she turned, not understanding, but as she looked at him, she guessed. "Oh. That. Why?" she asked and looked as if she wanted to take the question back. He wanted her to take it back, too.

"For many reasons" he mumbled.

"Yeah, I know. We're both involved, you love Dualla, blah, blah, blah, bullshit!" She hit the corner with such force the ropes buzzed from strain.

"Kara…"

"Sorry. I'm being stupid. Let's box."

He stepped up on the ring and uneasily waited for her to turn towards him. But she did not. She stood, her left palm clutched tightly on the rope, the gloves dangling in her right hand.

"If the situation were different, then maybe…" he started softly.

"Frak yourself." She half turned to him and pierced him with her green eyes.

"Listen I can try to get Anders…" he tried, but she interrupted.

"Frak Anders." She took one step, and stood right before him now, face to face, so close. "You're using some silly excuses, Anders, Dualla. Frat regs maybe? This is all bullshit!" she pulled him hard and their lips met. She held his head close to hers, and kissed him and he couldn't help, but kiss her back. Of course she was right.

Of course all those things that were not named straight – only through references – were there and were real, and were wanted, desired. And how did it happen, that she saw it first, and more clearly? How did it happen that she actually pressed to go into that forbidden territory, while not so long ago she denied anything between them existed? She was shifting so fast, had as many faces as a hydra. And he loved each and every one of them.

He tangled his fingers with her hair, loosened her pony-tail, let her soft locks fall dawn on her shoulders. Kissed her deeply, allowing himself to feel this love, this desire. It came flooding over him with an unstoppable wave, warming his limbs up to the tips of his fingers. The flush of emotions made him dizzy. He held onto her tightly, to stop himself from falling; the world was spinning under his feet, blood thundered in his ears as her warm lips bit through the last lines of defense that had been guarding him from the outside world.

He couldn't breathe. His breath caught, he forgot how to draw air, he only wanted to taste her. He wanted to forget about reality. He wanted this one special moment to never stop, to always be. Always. But seconds were ticking by, the world began to change around him. Kara shifted her position, kissed him deeper, and with his guard down Lee was helpless.

Good emotions cannot be separated from bad ones, and all the fear, grief, and exhaustion from which he had protected himself was about to fall upon him along with joy and love - it would crush him.

Utterly shocking himself and even more, startling Kara, he choked a sob. He wouldn't be able to control his reaction, it was going to escape from his grasp, and he knew what was coming – it was a breakdown. He nearly let himself go for a moment and – just like Doc Ishay said about Dualla – his brain was about to betray him.

But he was stronger than Dualla. He had practiced self-control for so many years, and he had it genetically imprinted into his persona. Gritting his teeth, he managed to regain a hold over himself.

"Lee?" Kara's concerned voice reached his mind.

"I'm sorry." He pushed himself away from her. He couldn't do it. He couldn't do that to her. Couldn't burden her with this. "I told you this isn't going to work. We can't…"

"Lee!"

"No. No, there's too much… Too much going on right now. With me, with Dualla - Anastasia. I can't, and you should… I can't force you to carry all this baggage with you, you need…"

"Lee, stop this nonsense! You're frakked up…"

"Yes! Yes, I am. And you're not, so why don't you take your chance at happiness and use it. For once in your life – be happy. And if Anders is the one, who can give it to you – take it! Because I have nothing to give to you!" He held her by her arms and screamed the words into her face. When he saw fear in her eyes, he realized what he was doing. He had to stop. He needed to get a grip.

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Even though Lee wished Kara would turn to Anders, he couldn't bear the thought that she might leave the Pegasus – and him – and go to the planet. So the first thing he did, was to call for Anders to come up with the nearest transport of supplies. The ex-pyramid player was surprised, but he complied. He probably thought it would be easier to convince Starbuck to come with him if he spoke to her face-to-face.

But it wasn't Commander Adama's plan. Lee was intending to offer him a post in the marine's squad. He intended to do everything in his might to keep Kara close, though at arm's length. Some voice in the back of his head kept whispering this were not a very rational action, but he ignored that voice.

He invited Starbuck and Anders to the dinner to his quarters.

At first everything seemed natural and calm, even though Starbuck was a little hostile towards Anastasia. Things started getting out of control just before the dessert. Dee – being the hostess – started taking the plates from the table. They had extremely limited kitchen personnel, so most of the cooking she'd done herself, and she also had to serve and clean between the meals. Almost as if it was no real Battlestar, but a house somewhere on Caprica.

"Was that what you dreamt about when you were hitting on the Admiral's son?" Kara asked suddenly. The light of the candle, filtered through the green of ambrosia, danced on her cheeks and reflected in her eyes.

Anastasia stopped with two plates in her hands, and looked at Starbuck, surprised. Lee gasped, and even Anders appeared startled by this obvious provocation.

"Because I can imagine you wanted a different life," Kara started explaining. She put her glass down and waved her hand in an over-exaggerated gesture. "I can picture you as the neat wife of the high-profile figure, be it the president, or the fleet's admiral or whoever is high enough for your grace."

"I think you should stop with this ambrosia," Lee commented softly, his heart in his throat at the memory of Kara's words about Dee back then, when she returned from SAR to Caprica. He sincerely hoped the Captain would not sink as low as she had then.

"It's alright," Dualla said with dignity as she placed the plates back on the table. Lee noticed her hands were shaking slightly. "I can defend myself before such low accusations. I've dealt with them from quite a while. I don't know why everybody thinks I'm some cheap – or rather expensive, considering – whore, but the truth is I am with Lee because I love him. And he loves me."

"Right," Starbuck snorted, her eyes glistening dangerously.

"You probably don't even know what love is, Starbuck" Dualla leaned over the table to the blonde on the opposite side, and started explaining, as if she was talking to a child. "See, love is when you are by your loved one's side in hard times. When you support him in need, not just have fun when it's all nice and shiny. And that's what we are to each other – me and Lee. That's what you never were to anybody, because all you're capable of is taking, sucking out and throwing away the waste," Dee finished, hissing.

Kara got up and leveled her gaze with that of the shorter Saggitaron. "I suppose you loved Billy just as strongly, earlier. Funny thing that he was the President's aide." She cocked her head to the side. "A coincidence?"

"I loved Billy," Dualla stated, putting pressure on each word. Lee saw that her lips were trembling, as if she wanted to add something, but was unable to choke out the words, the flood of emotions too strong for her to bear right now.

Kara was cruel. She knew exactly where to hit, to cause the worst damage. She was a warrior, even when it came to people she competed with. She was used to being victorious, and she saw victory just at her grasp.

Lee hated this. This whole situation, it made him sick to the stomach. He knew he should do something, he should stop Starbuck right then and there, but instead he sat transfixed, and watched the drama evolving in front of his eyes.

Starbuck's face twisted in a cruel, mocking smile. "Right. You loved Billy so much, you started frakking the Admiral's son before Billy's body was even cold!" She shouted straight into Dualla's face.

Dee inhaled through clenched teeth. Her eyes flashed with hatred. And suddenly she hit right back, with equal force and cruelty. "Lee was fighting for his life then. In case you don't remember, he got shot by..."

"You bitch!" Kara shrieked, as Dee's words cut right to the core, right to the deepest, unhealed wound the pilot carried. Having nothing else to say, nothing else that could hurt Dualla more than she was hurt right now, the Captain threw herself up on the table and over the smaller figure of the thin girl.

They fell to the floor between the clatter of breaking glass, porcelain, leftovers. Lee was like hypnotized with horror. This was not happening. This was not real. The screams of both girls barely registered with his bewildered mind; he barely noticed a larger figure – Samuel Anders – who tried to separate Kara from Dee, he did not hear Sam calling to him for help.

When Kara, with final effort – struggling with both Dee and Sam – hooked into her rival's skull and Dualla was knocked to the floor, Lee could not bear it any longer. He fled to the back of his quarters, to the safety of his bedroom, where the ugliness of the brawl could not reach him.

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t.b.c.

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