DISCLAIMER: The character's and the universe of the Battlestar Galactica do not belong to me.

Great thanks to AMMONITE for BETA

And thanks for all lovely reviews. You people make me want to write more!

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YEAR OF HELL by -yannik-

Chapter Eleven – MORE OR LESS

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"You know what day it is today?" the Admiral asked gruffly, as his son stepped through the hatch. There was no "hello, son, how are you?" or any other greeting. Just this startling question.

Lee gazed at his father, standing before the bookshelf, unexpectedly dressed in his tank-tops and sweatpants with a glass of ambrosia in his hand and that somber expression on his face. He wondered what he'd missed? It was way past the anniversary of the attack on the Colonies; it wasn't Colonial Day. It wasn't his Old Man's birthday; there were still a couple of months remaining. It definitely wasn't his own birthday; his Dad wouldn't be so grumpy about him forgetting it. So Lee didn't know what day it was.

"No," he replied.

His father smiled, with his lips only; his eyes were sad.

"We have been orbiting Caprica, we have been at peace, exactly one day longer than we were fleeing the cylons. It doesn't feel like it, does it?"

"No," Lee admitted. It certainly felt like then had lasted years, and this – only a few weeks. "So peace prevails now."

"That's right. That's how it seems." The Admiral was lost in thought. "And we feel safe. Too safe."

"What do you mean?"

The Admiral sighed and turned away from his precious books. Put his unemptied glass on the table and picked up a set of papers.

"Have you read Kat's reports form the latest CAPs?" he asked. "The pilots are lazy. Have you seen the corridors? Two lamps on this level alone are out of order. CIC staff plays triad on the DRADIS console, cannons are stuffed, and these evacuation plans…" he indicated a document, and Lee recognized his own handwriting on the cover. "These plans are a bunch of crap." He threw them across the room.

"Evacuation itself is a bunch of crap," Lee countered. He felt like he had been hit across the face.

"I'm sorry," Bill sighed, and leaned on the table bowing his head.

Lee was startled. He'd never seen his father vulnerable. Not ever. He didn't know what to say. Just a moment ago he had been angry, wanted to retort, fight, even yell and hit. But this…

The Admiral regained his posture in an instant, but the astounding image lingered in his son's mind's eye.

"I'm sorry," Bill repeated in a stronger voice, looked straight at his son and forced a smile. "I know you don't agree with my vision concerning New Caprica defense - and I haven't taken the time to convince you. I guess I've taken your support for granted because you're my child. That's one reason why there were regs concerning families in the service. Of course, now we're in a different reality." The smile vanished and was replaced with tiredness. He wiped his hand across his face as if wanting to remove the expression - and didn't quite succeed. "I wanted to change those plans, but now I see it goes deeper. We need to change a lot more. We need to start with ourselves, Lee. Look at us."

Lee looked at his Old Man. Really looked for the first time in months. He seemed older, his scarred face was wrinkled, hair longer and… he had grown a mustache somewhere along the way. Lee wondered why he hadn't noticed that before.

"There isn't going to be a dinner tonight son," Bill said, reaching to a chair where lay… two pairs of boxing gloves. "Catch!" He threw one pair at his son, who nearly dropped it. A look of disapproval flickered through Admiral's face. "You can change in the locker room."

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Lee was glad to notice he was not more out of shape than his father. Of course, he was not working out as much as before, but he was forcing himself to get up for a morning run almost every day, and to go to the gym at least couple of times a week. There was still too much that was off though.

"Your reflexes suck," Bill snorted, as Lee was getting himself up from the floor for the tenth time. "Strength is okay, strategy fine too, but you're slow. Too slow."

"Well, you're not so much faster," Lee countered ironically, without actually making a point - and was met with the reproving gaze of his father. Damn, he couldn't even argue properly!

"Take five," the Old Man said, sitting down on the bench and lifting a bottle of water.

"Tired?"

"I'm twice as old as you are."

Yes, his was a stupid comment; Lee chastised himself again. Sat next to his father.

"Now tell me, is this..." Bill pointed at the mats, where he had laid out his son just a moment ago, "Is this because you're going easy on your old man? Or perhaps I should go easy on you?"

Lee sighed, and tried to cover his discomfort by drinking more water. What was he supposed to say?

"Being the Commander doesn't mean you don't need to be physically active. You do. You have to keep yourself in shape, and this…" Bill waved a glove at his son and Lee understood what his father meant, saying 'look at us'."

He meant "Lee, look at yourself". He noticed that too – hard not to notice, when that was so large.

"It doesn't look good," Bill finished softly.

Lee got it. Got it far too well. His father was trying to be gentle about his getting fat. "Doesn't look good?" What a polite way to say he was looking like a guzzling pig.

"Okay," the younger man sprung to his feet. "Come on, let's box."

"It doesn't go away from just one sparring, son. You need to change your attitude…"

"I know what I need to change!" Lee cut in. Oh he knew that, he really did. And he was sure as hell going to.

Bill apparently understood what his son meant. He certainly seemed to have achieved some goal, as his face expressed honest satisfaction the next time he knocked his opponent to the floor.

"Have you and Dualla had a honeymoon?" he said suddenly, helping Lee stand up.

"Honey what?"

"You got married some time ago. I think you two could use some down time."

Lee just shook his head as he took position and sent a right hook at the Old Man, who, in no old-man-style dodged him and countered cruelly.

"Frak!" Lee cursed, holding his side.

"Maybe you're tired. Maybe a few days on New Caprica would do you good."

Lee again could not grasp it. He was a commander, and his wife was an XO. There was too much responsibility at stake to pull this off.

"I know it would take a few arrangements," the Admiral observed, "but everything can be done. Talk to your wife and let me know what she thinks about it," he finished, punching at Lee's cheek bone.

Again Lee didn't see it coming.

"You're trying to distract me, aren't you?" he hissed, pulling himself from the mats.

"Not at all," Bill replied with a serious expression. "I don't need to."

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Lee returned from Galactica very sore. When Dualla was tending to the most aching spots, he told her about his father's offer – meaning it more as a joke than anything real. But Dee loved the idea.

"I'm sure Hoshi could handle most of the job. Or maybe your father could send Tigh over here for those few days? How long are we talking about anyway?"

"I don't know. Haven't discussed that part of the plan." Lee got up and stretched his back. "Going to have a shower."

"Talk to the Admiral," Dee requested playfully. "We could have some fun."

Have some fun, right. Lee shook his head again, marveling at how such an irresponsible proposition could cross the Admiral's mind. Of course Dee was eager to go, but that such an idea came from the Old Man? Relaxing under the warm water, Lee wondered if his father had been down to the planet. He seemed to remember that President Baltar had summoned him once, but had he gone? And for how long? Probably had only seen Colonial One's interior.

The Admiral appeared tired too. Lee couldn't stop thinking about that short moment when his father had let his guard down. He deserved a break. Perhaps they should go, and then tell him to go in turn? He could meet some old friends - Laura Roslin, Starbuck.

He sure as hell was hoping he wouldn't meet Starbuck while on the surface.

So they would go - he and Dee together, for a honeymoon. That sounded…funny. It might be fun, in fact. Lee stepped out of the shower and smiled at his reflection in the mirror. His smile faded. He was getting used to this new him, but today the sight brought to mind his father's comment. "Look at us. Look at yourself, Lee."

He looked. Chubby cheeks, double chin, and below that…frak.

He quickly dried himself and put on his clothes. Hated his body. For some reason he had thought other people wouldn't notice; Dee never mentioned it. But his father's actions today were proof of how he was regarded by others.

He stood staring in the mirror for a few more minutes, thinking. He was feeling fine. He was able to notice the difference in his mood from a couple of months back and now. Opened the locker and took out the vial of pills that were making him better. And fatter.

And put it right back.

No more.

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For the first few days he didn't notice any difference. Still slept well, ate properly, was swamped with paperwork. They agreed with the Admiral that the newlywed couple would go to the surface after the command team came up with some basic ideas for the defense plan. Then Lee would see if people on the ground had any suggestions, maybe built provisional shelters in case the planet was nuked.

While they were working on the plans Lee argued more and more fiercely with Tigh and Kat – something that startled even his father. But then, both Tigh and Kat were annoying to no end. Finally, on the day that they reached some vague idea of what should and could be done, Lee managed to kick his father's ass in the ring. He was as happy as a child. But then his Dad managed to spoil his pleasure by reminding him of the trip to New Caprica.

Lee knew he should be delighted. He was going to have a few days off, time to think, relax, enjoy. But it wasn't what he wanted. Again nobody had asked what he wanted! His father had an idea, Dee seemed thrilled by it, and they automatically assumed that he was thrilled as well. Nobody had bothered to ask him.

If they so desperately wanted to go to the planet, why wouldn't they go themselves? Lee restlessly paced the length of his office back and forth. Reports, read and signed, lay in a neat pile on top of his desk, Dee was in CIC, about to finish her shift in an hour. He should be packing. But couldn't bring himself to begin.

Each time he opened the locker and saw himself in the mirror, he knew he'd hate Kara to see him like this. Not that he was going to meet her down there. He wasn't. But she might accidentally…

He didn't want to go there at all. Had no idea what he would do with all that free time on his hands. The Admiral seemed eager to go though. They had spoken the other day, that if everything went smooth, Bill would be the next to go, and he seemed content with the idea. So why not now? Why wait?

Not waiting, Lee reached for the receiver, and requested to speak with Galactica Actual.

"I've been thinking," he started. "Why don't you go tomorrow instead of me?"

"It's not how it was planned," the Admiral sounded taken aback.

"It's not a big deal, you won't have to send Tigh here," Lee explained quickly. "I'll take care of my ship, and he'll deal with yours. Guess it can be done?"

"Guess it can," the older Adama supposed. "But this trip was to be a vacation for you, and…"

"Well I don't want vacation," Lee cut in quickly. "But I think you do. I know you do, I saw the look on your face when you told me to send your regards to Laura Roslin."

"Lee, I can go on the next tour…"

"Why wait? If you want to go and I don't, then why wait?"

"You need a break, I can tell that."

"But not like this!" Lee was getting annoyed. Why can't anyone understand? "I don't want to go! Why can't I have something I want for a change?"

"I thought you…"

"Well, so you thought! Now stop thinking and listen: I don't want to go! Hear me? I want to stay on Pegasus and that's that."

Lee heard his father sigh on the other side. "Well, I guess it could be arranged," the Old Man said cautiously. And after a moment he added, "What does Dee think about it?"

The hard part would be telling Dee he wasn't going with her. But he would handle her – and that was what he told his father, before hastily hanging up.

Dee came in an hour later and interrupted him rearranging books on the shelf.

"I can't remember when those quarters had been so tidy," she observed, slightly amused. "And you finished with today's reports?" She brushed her fingers on the pile, shifting a few top sheets. Then she looked up at him. "Why aren't you packing?"

"You know I hate…" he started, and then he remembered. "I'm not going," he said.

"What? Why?" she appeared confused and disappointed. "I was really looking forward to it…"

"Well, you're going, just not me…" He licked his lips nervously. She scrutinized him with her green eyes, her brow furrowed. Before she had a chance to ask any questions, Lee started explaining quickly. "This was my father's idea all along. He started talking about it and thought it would be fun for me. For us. But I didn't want that." He absently straightened a fold on her uniform. "Then you were so eager when I told you, and we started planning it so quickly that I didn't even… I couldn't…"

Dee inhaled and wanted to respond, but he quickly put his fingers on her lips, stopping her from it.

"I've never wanted to go," he continued. "I want to stay, please don't push me. But you can go. There's no need for you to not have a vacation. I think the Admiral will go too; I spoke to him already. I think it will do you good. Do both of us good. You'll rest, and I ..." he gestured towards the desk, averted his eyes from the messed-up pile of documents and held back the need to straighten it right away, "I got over the slowness problem as you see. I can take care of the ship by myself for a few days."

"It was to be our honeymoon," she cut in, when he paused to take a breath.

He had known it wouldn't be easy.

"That's just a name," he reasoned. "Do we need a honeymoon? Come on Dee, it's just some old tradition. What we really need is a few days off, and this way each of us would have it how we want. If I go, it won't be relaxing."

"Then perhaps I should stay too?" she asked cautiously - and with concern.

"If you want to… but you don't have to, I know you've planned to visit some people, you've been looking forward to it, you said as much. It's okay by me."

Dee just looked at him, not convinced at all. "I'll think about it." She freed herself from his arms and went to change into her leisure clothes.

Lee sighed. It wouldn't be bad if she stayed. Wouldn't be bad at all, but… he felt guilty robbing her of well-deserved r&r. He straightened the papers on his desk. "Dad went into a lot of trouble arranging this trip for us," he said softly.

"I know that," Dee replied from the other room. "But it's you who changed his mind."

"I'm saying you don't have to not go," Lee stated firmly, walking in after her.

She was standing there, half naked, folding her uniform. His wife, his beautiful wife.

"But I'll miss you…" he whispered, coming up behind and stroking the soft skin of her shoulders, "if you go," into her hair.

She turned to him with a smile. "Promise?" she asked… unbuttoning his tunic.

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t.b.c.