DISCLAIMER: The characters and the universe of the Battlestar Galactica do not belong to me.

BETA'ed by AMMONITE

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YEAR OF HELL by -yannik-

Chapter Twelve - EVENT HORIZON

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"Now that tells me that you are feeling well," Dee whispered right into his ear. A soft, warm, fuzzy whisper. She was so sweet.

He held her tight, and kissed tenderly. "I am going to miss you."

"Mm, me too." She freed herself from his embrace. "But now I have to pack a few things, and prepare for the trip. You sure..." she gazed back at him, and seeing his warning look, retreated immediately. "I know, I know. Okay. So I'll just pack my stuff. And I should get some rest before the big adventure."

Lee didn't sleep that night. He lay wide awake, going through various scenarios of the potential cylon attack on New Caprica. Each of them ended the same way - in complete annihilation of human race. There was no way the ships on the ground would lift off in time. They would have what? Half an hour? An hour? Since they'd pick the cylon transponders 'til the first nukes would fall on the town. Forty three thousand people would not be able to get organized in such a short time, even if they'd drilled it earlier. Which they hadn't of course, because nobody believed the cylons would be back.

If Galactica and Pegasus remained in orbit and fought the basestars, they'd be destroyed too, not giving the stranded civilians any cover. If the battlestars escaped, they'd be leaving the New Capricans to their inevitable doom.

And there was no way to predict the cylons' strike. Even if they sent CAP out of the nebula, or started sending raptors on some short FTL distances - which they had decided against initially, simply to avoid revealing their presence - they would not be able to see anything of value. If the cylons found the colony, they'd just come and it would be quick. Admiral Adama was a dreamer if he believed his crisis plans were worth more than a broken qubit.

Finally morning came, interrupting Commander's dark visions. Dee insisted that he walk her to the hangar deck. She kissed him lovingly and boarded the shuttle. Lee stayed alone, and somehow it didn't seem so simple any more.

After spending a few hours in a nearly empty and silent CIC, he returned to his quarters and locked himself up in their well-organized safety. Once again looked through supply requests, crew status reports, fleet crew rotations. He was tired. Tired with the day's activities and with commanding in general. And it wasn't even that hard, not really. They weren't at war, didn't have to struggle to survive the next day. It was simply tediously boring.

He lay down early. Thought it would be easy to fall asleep after the previous sleepless night, but was proven wrong. Again he lay awake until morning, and again it was hard to get up, harder than the day before, and this time there wasn't Dee to drag him out of bed. A call from a concerned Hoshi forced him to finally get to the CIC - nearly two hours late to his shift.

Again reading reports, and again this overwhelming tiredness, even heavier then before. And another sleepless night. He was hovering above a very large, very dark void, a black hole, descending slowly. Scientists were saying that, if a particle descended toward the surface of the black hole slowly, it could never touch it. But if it was fast enough it could cross the threshold, and then there was no escape from behind the event horizon.

His descent was accelerating.

The next day he didn't go to the CIC at all. Told Hoshi to take care of everything and call him only if it was absolutely necessary. Next morning he was called by Colonel Tigh.

"Commander, why aren't you at your post?"

It took a significant moment for Lee to reply. "I am at my post, Colonel. I'm in my quarters, working... working on reports."

"Lieutenant Hoshi says that you didn't show up in CIC yesterday" Tigh grumbled. Lee didn't feel like explaining himself to this man. Who was he to boss around like that? His father's buddy, who couldn't even keep the Fleet together for the few days he'd been in charge? Furthermore, even though he was the acting CO of the Fleet, Lee outranked him.

"Colonel, this is my ship," he responded slowly. "I believe you can't summon me to whatever standards you find fancy. You can report on me once the Admiral is back, right now just back off!" he terminated the connection.

Lee sat unmoving, the receiver still in his hands, staring at it for a long moment.

"Sir, do you wish me to connect you to someone else?" there came a hesitant question from the comms officer on duty.

With whom could he wish to be connected? - Lee asked himself. He didn't think, didn't deliberate. The answer appeared in his mind, as if someone switch on the light. Kara. The answer was on his lips, before he took the time to consider it.

"Get Cap... Kara Thrace. On New Caprica."

"Yes sir."

It took an hour before she was sent for, and came to the raptor that maintained communication between the ground and the sky.

"Thrace" she barked as she picked up the receiver.

Lee thought she had no idea who was calling.

"Kara... Hi..." he whispered.

"What do you want, Lee?" she asked bluntly, and he realized she had known who was on the other side from the start. How could she not know? "Why are you calling me, Lee?" she urged, while he tried to gather his thoughts.

"Uh, I... not sure..." he breathed out. Why did he call her anyway? Just wanted to hear her voice, but he couldn't tell her that. "I missed you."

"Don't do this, Lee," she whispered back. "Don't say this." There was a silence on the other side of the connection. Silence filled with her rapid breathing, gasping... He could imagine her wanting to say something and holding back at the last moment. "Is something wrong again?" she finally blurted out. "You want to kill yourself again, or something?" she almost shouted. How did she know him so well? "You're pathetic!"

What?

"Why are you calling me about this?" she kept talking too fast for him to cut it. "Why me? I'm... I'm not even your friend any more. Why don't you call your wife? Okay? You have a wife, ask her to hold your hand, because I... I don't care!" she stopped, and he could hear her breathing heavily once more. "You said it yourself - I don't owe you anything. You said not to ask you for anything, so you don't ask me either, alright? I don't care. For all I care you can go ahead and shoot yourself!" She fell silent again, and Lee was too shocked to react in any manner. "I gotta go back to my husband, you call your wife. It's better this way for each of us" she said finally and hung up.

Lee sat dumfounded for a very long moment. He couldn't gather his thoughts, couldn't... She did not care. Of course, why would she? She never did, he was the one, who... But when she actually wanted, he pushed her away. She did not care. If he died or lived. He could go ahead and... Except that he didn't feel like it. He tried to die, he had tried it before, but to no avail. It was simply too hard, required too much effort. And all he had strength to do, was to lie down and sleep. Except that he could not sleep.

Dee should be back in a day or two. Or more? How many days had passed already? Lee was confused. What happened? Just a few days ago - before Dee left - he'd felt so good, so clear-headed, and full of energy. Ever since he'd stopped taking those pills... Maybe that was the reason? Layne Ishay said... What did she say exactly? He could not remember, but there was something about six months. He had to ask her...

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No matter how hard he tried later, Lee could never tell for sure what had happened during those few days Dee was off on New Caprica, and what had been a dream. There were bits and pieces of conversations with Tigh, Hoshi, Ishay. Even with Kara, but he was certain that she hadn't come up here, so that one he put under "a dream" without hesitation.

Dee seemed distant when she returned, but at first Lee believed it was his own perception of things that was off. Only a few days later, when after the meeting she gathered documents in order to work on them in her quarters - the XO quarters - he realized it was her who was acting strangely. They'd shared his quarters from the moment she had boarded Pegasus, she didn't even officially move out, or argue, or anything.

"What is your problem, Dee?" he asked, exasperated, just as she reached the hatch, and it swooshed open.

She turned around and gave him a stare. Yes, his approach was a little too harsh, but her silence and strict professionalism were simply annoying!

"I'm sorry, Dee," he corrected himself. Sighed, searching for the right words. "You seem to have an attitude," found some finally, not the most fitting, but it was better than arguing. "I want to know what's the problem, so I can..."

"Fix it?" she mocked. And then softened a little. Just a little. "Are you sure, you're ready for this?" she asked.

And even though his stomach churned in anticipation, he replied "I am," with unyielding confidence.

She assessed him for a moment, and nodded slightly. "Alright then" she exhaled, stepped away from the hatch that closed with a soft hiss, put the papers back on the table, and sat opposite from him on the sofa. "Why did you ask me to marry you?"

Lee was astounded with the simplicity of this question. It was the least frightening thing he could expect, and the answer to it was the easiest possible.

"Because I... I loved you" he stuttered, and at the doubtful look from her, added. "And I wanted to legalize our relationship. What else?" he spread his hands helplessly.

She seemed to believe in his honesty and, for Lords' sake, he could not imagine why she would have any doubts whatsoever.

"You knew that Starbuck got married, though?" she asked softly, not looking at him.

"Yes, but it..." he started and hesitated. "It had nothing to do with that. Our marriage, with hers..." he said, and he believed it, though he could vaguely remember otherwise.

"It hadn't, huh?" Dee got up, and picked up her documents again. Then she looked at him. "It's just that it seems too much of a coincidence, but if you say there's nothing to it... I'll try to believe you." She turned away and left, and Lee knew that it was going to take her some time, to really believe.

Starbuck. He'd been over Starbuck for a long time.

---

Colonel Tigh enlightened the Admiral about the Commander's odd behavior. Lee had to explain himself, but since his father was in a good mood after the trip, it all came to a light reprimand. Much to the Colonel's dismay.

Dee moved back with Lee a day after their conversation. He admitted to having stopped taking the pills and asked her to kick his ass if he ever tried that again. It just wasn't worth it - he'd rather be fat and able to think clearly, than turn into that miserable being he'd been for those few days.

Life returned to normal. Days were passing by just like before, each identical as another. Maintaining the battlestar was nothing more than pushing papers, even planning the defense of New Caprica City - despite the Admiral's and Colonel's efforts - was only a false occupation for the people. It worked for most of them; Kat fit into the role of CAG with eagerness and enthusiasm worth a bigger issue, but for Lee it was all a façade.

All he could do was to put it on as well. So he kept pushing papers, participated in the command team meetings onboard Galactica, talked to the fleet captains, tried to make his wife certain that he loved her, and that he'd married her for this reason only. Most of the time he was successful.

That's why the sudden return of the Sratbuck theme was rather surprising.

"Oh, and I checked the communication records of the past month." It started innocently, with Dee's seemingly matter-of-fact comment.

"Good." Lee didn't even lift his gaze, comms record was part of her responsibility.

But Dee pressed on. "And now I'm wondering if I should mention that at all..." she hesitated, and that got his attention. He looked up, and she shrugged. "Starbuck" she said as if it explained anything.

"Starbuck what?"

"Oh, it's probably nothing" Dee waved her hand dismissively. "You spoke to her a while ago, and I was wondering... Why haven't you said anything? Not that I'm jealous, I'm not... Don't want to be. And it was only once... But it would just be nice if I found out from you, not from the logs."

"I didn't speak to her" Lee objected forcefully. He did not remember talking to Starbuck!

"Well, it was..." Dee searched for the right entry, and pursed her lips as she found it. "Truth be told it was when I was on New Caprica," she stopped and looked up, expecting an explanation.

Lee tried not to put the blame on his illness, though it was tempting - to say that he did not remember anything from that time, was not responsible for his actions. That even if he had in fact called Kara, it hadn't really been him.

"I don't understand," Dee said softly, with reproach. "You felt bad, so you called her, not me?"

Damn, she thought about exactly the same thing! He had to figure out something that would make her shut up about it, and at the same time reassure her of his undivided affection. He had no idea what that conversation could have been about, though in the back of his head he was suddenly sure he remembered. He pushed it away, focusing back on his wife.

"I did call her," he stated. "Yes, I spoke to her when you were on New Caprica, I thought you meant recent entries. I didn't tell you, because I forgot, but um..." He realized he was babbling, needed to get back to the subject. "I didn't speak to her because I felt bad. No, in fact I felt good back then, you remember. It was a while before it all went downhill." Steady. A deep breath in, a deep breath out. "About Starbuck." What could be the rational reason for him to call Starbuck? "I just wanted to close some chapter of my life, that's why I called her. I needed this... closure. For my own peace of mind. That's what it was. This conversation meant the end of any relationship I ever had with Starbuck." Just as he said those words, Lee knew that was actually the truth. That conversation had been the end, thought it was not his initiative, but hers.

He'd had that dream. A dream he had forgotten about, but now he remembered. "You can shoot yourself. I don't care" she'd said. He didn't want to believe it had been real, but he knew better than that. It had happened. She really had said those words. He thought he could not get hurt by Starbuck any more, but there it was. She'd managed to do it yet again. He had to do something, he had to make himself immune to her at all cost.

And he had a purpose - he had a wife, who got hurt by Starbuck in the process as well.

"I'm sorry that I didn't tell you," he whispered, his voice failing him. "I just forgot all about it afterwards."

Dee came near and sat next to him on the sofa. She put her hand on his shoulders. "It's okay," she whispered, her breath tickling his ear. "I understand, and I really don't want her to get in between us any more. So let's leave it at that, okay?" She kissed him lightly, and he nodded. Let's leave it at that. They could leave it at that.

But he couldn't.

---

When - in turn - Starbuck asked him for help, he didn't want to comply. Even if it might cost a man's life, he was willing himself to be strong enough to resist the plea in her voice.

He was spared from making a decision, by the sudden arrival of the cylons.

---

.end

Okay guys. I wrapped it up. Forgive me if this chapter came out a bit too hasty, but I desperately wanted to finish this story before the Big Reveal – that "Unfinished Business" is going to be next week. I know myself, and I know that once the true reasons for The Rift will be out in the open, I would have no motivation to finish this story. In fact it was quite hard for me to write this chapter, given the small hints we've been allowed to know so far. It took me about five rewrites, even though the core (last conversation with Kara – I made her a little more cruel, than I initially intended, though I hope it comes across that she thought she was doing the right thing?) of the idea stayed the same, as it was from the beginning.

Thank you AMMONITE, I wouldn't have done it without you. And certainly I would feel embarrassed with all the mistakes, reading it later, which I do not feel now ;).

Thank you: BSGaddict for very insightful reviews; Silwyna for reminding me about this story, when I abandoned it in the middle; Marliel3 for incredible encouragement and seeing the important details; pilotlover for all the laugh your reviews gave me; and Laurie31 for your faithful comments – even though you seemed to abandon -ff ! net- recently? I hope you'll be back, with more of your writing, too. And thank you everybody else who reviewed, and those who read without reviewing, too.

I hope you will all come back to read and enjoy my next stories.

-Y-