I felt unhappy earlier (estimated at 4:24 AM) and decided to write a depressing Soubi ficlet. So yeah. It's Soubi being sad in his reflections. Crappy vocabulary because it is now 5:05 in the morning and I'm about to fall over.

Loveless belongs to Yun Kouga, and I praise her for such fine characters.

Why am I always left behind?

I know I should accept it. I am their toy, their possession. I have no will. My body is a tool for them to use. That is my reason for existence. I exist only to carry out the orders of my master.

But what happens now that I found another reason to exist?

Everything I've ever been taught has crumbled because of you, and I know it pains you to hear me lie. What else am I to do though? My mind orders me to follow what Sensei taught me years before, and what your brother demanded of me; but my heart tells me otherwise.

Sensei made sure I understood his lessons. He used his flog, and he used domination. And then he took the last bit of myself that I possessed. I've always felt cold when I think about him, but now, with you…

When I think about Sensei I hate him. I hate how he left me without a shred of self-worth, and just handed me over to Beloved.

Then there is Seimei. The ideal Sacrifice, my ideal master. I loved him so much. It was an indescribable love. I wanted to give him everything. There was nothing I wouldn't do for him. I thought he loved me, too.

But Seimei would enter into fights, and leave me for dead. He would give me orders that were bizarre and unrealistic, yet I would carry them out and take the repercussions. He never bandaged my wounds; he never comforted me when I grew ill from infection.

And when I begged for him to hold me, Seimei would hit me.

Reopening all my wounds, he would hurt me over and over, screaming at me to get away. I was dirty then, and Seimei didn't want to get dirty. He liked being clean, and I was too dirty for him to touch. So he threw me out with all the other filthy things in the trash.

Sensei never held me like you do. Seimei never held my hand. I have never felt the comfort of someone like you before. Even now, as an adult, I can cry in front of you, and you keep your head but still hold onto me. I need your small arms wrapped around me, your warm body pressed close to mine. You may not understand yet, but I would die without you.

You don't like to order me, but you do it anyway because you know I need it to survive. And although you scold me for touching you and kissing you, you haven't pushed me away yet. You hold my hand, and I'm not always the one to initiate it.

I've always been waiting for another reason to live, and now I've found you. Please, please, don't ever throw me away.

"Soubi? Hey, Soubi? What's wrong?"

"Ah, nothing, Ritsuka. I'm just thinking. Hey, I love you, okay?"

"…yeah. I love you too, Soubi."