Chapter 2- friends, letters and misplaced guilt
"So... erm... you wanna do something today?" Hermione had been staying with Harry and Remus for 3 days and Harry had barely said a word to her.
"I s'pose" Harry grumbled. Hermione fumed inwardly. Did he have any idea how infuriating he was being?
"Ok so how about we go shopping? we always used to have fun when we went shopping. It will be just like old times..."
"It isn't the 'old times' anymore Hermione" Harry snapped.
"Fine we won't go then"
"Look i'm sorry hermione we can go if you want..." Hermione lost it. Remus had asked her to come and try and make Harry feel better but how could she do that if he didn't want to talk?
"No. You'd obviously rather stay here feeling sorry for yourself. That's fine. I'd rather go alone anyway. At least then i won't have to listen to you being a moody pig!" she was shouting now. She stopped and waited for a reaction but none came. She turned and stormed towards the door but as she got there she turned and looked over her shoulder and what she saw made her stop.
Harry was crying. He was sitting, hunched over, with tears running down his face. Suddenly she didn't feel angry anymore. She was filled with guilt and felt an overwhelming urge to run back and hug her best friend. And that's what she did.
They sat together for hours, not speaking, just sitting with their arms around each other before Hermione decided it was time to move.
"Harry" she whispered. "Harry?" there was no reply. Harry was asleep. His face was pale and he was shaking.
"Harry, wake up!" she said, louder this time, her voice worried "Harry!"
As if he had heard her he suddenly woke up. His eyes were wide and he was still shaking. He put his head on Hermione's shoulder and whimpered something she couldn't hear.
"What did you say?" she didn't really expect an answer but she asked anyway.
"It was my fault"
"What was your fault?"
"My parents, Ron, Ginny, Fred, George, Mrs Weasly, Dumbledore... Sirius. All of it. It was all my fault."
Hermione was shocked.
"Harry! you can't really think that! it's not true. I thought you knew that before!"
She remembered last year. A few months after the war had ended. He'd been fine then. He was still cut up by the loss of his friends but everyone was. She thought he had stopped blaming himself a long time ago.
"Well i was wrong ok. It was my fault. i know that now."
Hermione was beginning to get confused. She was about to start asking questions when Harry started talking again.
"You know when i went to Italy at the beginning of the year?"
'Yeah i remember' she thought silently to herself 'that was just before you changed' out loud she only said "Yes"
"Right well when i was there i met this guy. We got on really well so i left we decided to write to each other. We carried on talking for a while and then he sent this really wierd letter. It said... i still have it upstairs. Hang on, i'll get it for you"
He ran up the stairs and was back in a matter of moments.
"Here." He handed Hermione a piece of parchment covered in black, scribbly writing.
"Harry," the letter read.
"It's me again. I suppose that now we've been talking for a while, it would be as good a time as any to
confess something. When i said i hadn't heard of you before i was lying. In fact, you were the whole reason I was
in that part of Italy in the first place. I'm writing a book, you see. It's about the effects of guilt on the
human mind.
Before i met you, i expected you to be an emotional wreck due to all the lives lost because of you. Imagine
my shock when, far from being completely destroyed, you were perfectly happy and your life was already back to
normal even though those who died on your behalf will never have a life at all.
Are you completely oblivious to the fact, that if you weren't here, many innocent lives would have been
spared or do you just not care? please send another letter and answer my questions as i know they would help with
my book.
To be honest though, your complete lack of any guilt or remorsful feelings whatsoever make me feel sick. Alot
of the people i refer to were supposedly 'close' to you. Do you not even mourn them? if not, were you ever really
close or was it all just part of you image? Please reply. I am genuinely curious as to how such a cold mind works.
Liam
P.s. If i could get an interview that would be great too. I can see it now "the life of a cold, heartless murderer"
thanks."
Hermione read the whole thing n stunned silence.
"And you believe that! Harry, i have to ask... HAVE YOU COMPLETELY LOST IT! he's just some random psyco. He doesn't know what he's alking about!"
"But he was right. It was all because of me."
"No it wasn't! They all chose to fight. They died fighting for what they believed in. You couldn't have stopped them doing that"
"what about my parents? they didn't ch..."
"There was nothing you could do. You were only a baby Harry."
"Ok. so what about Sirius?"
Hermione shook her head and spoke quietly and calmly to him.
"That was a long time ago Harry. You have to let him go"
"He was the closest thing i had left to a family and he died because of me"
"It wasn't your fault. Some things in life just... happen"
Harry didn't say anything for a while and when he did reply his voice was so quiet it was nearly a whisper.
"I know it was a long time ago Hermione i still remember the exact day. I thought i let go a long time ago but now.
ever since i got that letter, he's all i can think about. Every day i can see him in mind, falling and every night i
dream about him and he's always dead. He's never coming back and if i wasn't here he would probably still be alive.
So no matter what you say, it was my fault. Let me deal with that my own way"
He turned and left the room leaving Hermione staring at his retreating back.