AN: The next chapter of Lexy's adventures. Thanks to Jacey and Shannon -
inspiration came from your fics and you. You both rock and I love you, and
if I'm lucky, I'll be half as talented as you both. Thanks to Kara, who
created Tawny. Thanks again to Jacey who created Trey and Rai. And to
Leila, because there is no way I'll be able to write a 56 page fan fic
without one anti-GC remark.
I gotta do something about my review addiction; but its safer if I don't quit cold turkey *g*. So, please review.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Summer is here. Has been for two weeks. Over a month has passed since my breakdown in the E Block bathrooms. I've never felt so sad in my life. I am a pathetic Thing.
But the bike looks a heap better now - I painted it red. The front wheel is bent, but it works well enough to take me to the park or the shop for an ice cream.
I sit in the grass at the park, making a daisy chain. My hair is loose, covering my barcode, and I'm wearing an old red sundress and black sandals. The bike is next to me, and I'm watching Gina and Katy talk to two boys in our class - Jerry and Tim. Gina and Katy have padded their training bras and their skirts are so short, they almost show their underwear.
Sex, is what we learnt about in school before summer and it's gross and scary and I swear I'll never ever do it with any man. I had a dream the other night I was doing It with a guy and he was smothering me. I was choking and dying underneath him. I'm never going to be anything more than a little girl. I swear to myself. I am completely petrified that something will happen and I'll have to have sex with someone.
"Hello, Alexis," Gina walks past, arm in arm with Jerry, while Katy is smirking, on the arm of Tim. "Having a nice summer?"
"Um, sort of," I answer in a soft voice, Gina and Katy already walking off and having already forgotten about me in the grass. I lie back in the grass, watching the clouds float in the sky. There will be a storm tonight; I can smell it in the air. It smells like an end and a beginning in one. Old and new starts.
A dog barking quite close to me makes me scramble to my feet, grabbing my bike to put it between me and the dog wherever it was, if he attacked me. I hate, detest, and loathe all canine-esque animals.
The dog was a Dalmatian, with a pink leather colour around its neck. I was huddled behind the bike. Syl being pushed against the rocks at Manticore by the German Shepherd. The dog tearing at Syl's flesh, her screams and cries - like a kitten. Krit and Tawny are pulling the dog off her, Jondy and I scrambling to help them. I can smell the blood as Zane shoots the dog and Syl's blood all over the rocks and ground. Syl's small, six-year old body lying completely still - and Eva and Krit are crying over her. Get the dog away from me! There is no one here to save me. Blue Lady.!
"So sorry!" The woman who owns the dog runs over, pulling the dog away from me. "Poppy is only a puppy! She won't bite, she's quite playful."
"No, I am very.allergic to all dogs," I stammered in my quiet, odd sounding little voice I had somewhere acquired this summer. It was a very passive little voice. Weak, pathetic and soppy - useless like me. Pointless and a waste of oxygen.
The lady attached that beast to a leash, giving me a funny look. I climbed onto my bike and rode away as fast as a possibly could. Faster, faster, faster I ride, and then the beast won't get me. Won't tear me apart like the Dog tried to do to Syl.
My bike hits something; the crunching noise suggests a soda can; and I fly off, rolling into the gutter. I whack my head against the edge of the sidewalk. I blink and sit up, rubbing my head. I can feel a sticky lump of blood tangled in my hair. My head hurts worse than ever. I've skinned my left knee, and my elbow.
The bike.
Oh, no. It's in the gutter, too, all scraped up and an absolute mess. Glen will absolutely murder me - literally. Only last week, Glen threw me against the solid pine kitchen table.
I scramble to my feet, aching all over my poor little body. I'm tall and wirey and bruise so easily. Luckily, I also have the wonderful X5 ability of fast healing. I should be healed up in 24 hours.
I wheel the bike home, pretty much limping the entire way. I know something. Maybe it's the storm coming, maybe the fall. Ben's Blue Lady doesn't exist. Maybe I always knew that the Blue Lady didn't exist, but I didn't have to admit it to myself before now. Maybe I'm a nomalie. I wish I had proper friends and actual family. I wish my siblings and I could actually be together. What's the point of being free, being Outside if we're alone and slowly dying? Why do I have to be by myself?
It began to rain just as I made it home. I love rain, and the cold. It feels clean and fresher and safer. The heat chokes me and tries to suffocate and kill me.
I left the scratched up bike in the shed, going to the bathroom, to wipe up my blood and bandage myself up. The white bandage stains instantly and I want to rewrap my bandages so that they are white but there aren't any left.
The antiseptic stings as I smear it across my elbow. Then I go downstairs. Sue and Maddy are out, visiting Sue's sister. Glen is either at work or at a bar. I'm allowed to eat lunch - nothing exciting, or even nice, just some stale bread and peanut butter. Maybe some jelly or a couple of biscuits. I'd love some ice cream; I haven't had one in so long.
I switch on the TV, nibbling on the corner of my sandwich, and watching the television; some wishy-washy pre-Pulse soap opera. It wasn't at all interesting, but it held my attention for awhile. It was so hot and I went upstairs to my room - Sue had bought a fan, for Maddy, and it greatly helped most days - and nights.
I lay on my bed, my eyes closed. Trying to cool down, it was so hot . . . so, so hot. . .
"X5-663."
I almost jumped out of my skin at that. I tumbled to the floor, in a defensive position, my gaze scanning the room for The Enemy, in ready position, and my gaze finally rested on the window. Where there was someone I would never forget. . .
"Lexy." Zack's face broke into a grin for a split second. "Come on. We need to get you out of here now."
I froze. "Do I need my clothes?"
"Cram as much stuff in a bag now, give it to me and I'll meet you with the car and the bags outside the hardware store. You leave the house normally. Understand, Lexy?"
"Yes, sir." I dreamt of just being able to hug my siblings but now Zack's here, I don't feel like I have that right. He's. . .everything I remember, right down to the Zack-scent of gunpowder and coffee. This is my Big Brother.
As I empty my school bag of all the bits and pieces and start to cram in my clothes and shoes - and my hairbrush, I wonder where Zack has been all this time. Did he run away from a foster home? Or has he been finding all of us? I wonder how many of us got out.Chi and Trey and Remi and Ben and Cora. . .Jace and Brin and Jondy.
"Okay. Hardware Store in ten minutes, Lex." Zack takes the bag from me and vanishes from the window.
Downstairs, a door slams. I can tell by the heavy footsteps on the lino that it's Glen that's home.
"Alexis! What the hell happened to Maddy's bike?"
I close my eyes and take a breath. I slipped forwards and walked down to the landing. "I almost got ran over and fell off the bike. I'm sorry, I'll fix it." I almost gagged as Glen got closer and the stench of cigarettes and vomit and alcohol overtook my senses.
"Fix it? Might as well throw out the shit heap now! That was my father's bike when he was a goddamned kid, you little brat!" Glen stood on the landing with me. His bulk took up most of the space, my heals were hanging off the top step, thanks to my cat-like balance. "Take all our money, sleep in our house, eat our food and break my nose and you couldn't give a damn, little slut. Have a boy up in that room of Maddy's, dontcha, whore?"
I whimpered. I need to go or Zack will leave me behind and I'll be stuck here forever and ever. Manticore. I wanna go back to Manticore; I wanna go back to Manticore. I wanna go back to Manticore!
Glen gripped my forearm, dragging me closer. "What did you say, Alexis?"
"N-Nothing."
"'You don't have anything to say to me, allowing you to suck the life out of this godforsaken household? Ruin my family, you do!"
The first punch managed to blur my vision up and I crumpled in a heap. Two, three, ten. .
"The Nomalies will get you," I managed to shriek out, as Glen broke another two of my ribs. "The Blue Lady'll save me and the Nomalies will suck your blood!" Zack's gone and left me here. I'm gonna be a Nomalie. I want Eva.
I want my mommy.
Both of us went silent for different reasons - Glen, to make sense of my ramblings. Me, because I'd never felt that desperate need to be with my mother. How would I know what a proper mom was?
No, I want my big brother to save me and I want him NOW!
"Blue Lady? Nomalies?" Glen was getting angrier. "This is the last time you'll ever make trouble for me - or anyone else."
Maybe it was the piercing scream I uttered as Glen threw me down the stairs. Each X5 has a special cry. Mine in particular sounds a bit like a cross between a bird and a kitten. It's very high pitched.
I went sailing through the air - flying, it felt like peace - and then I hit the lino floor, my body limp like a rag doll, my head cracking against the plaster wall. The slap of my bare legs hitting the lino at a great speed. I lay still, pain throbbing through my body, waiting for it all to end. Death. I know what Death is. It's Not Being. It's not being Ordinary or Chimera, or X5 or a Nomalie or being with the Blue Lady and Eva and Ben, it's fading away forever and ever, leave me alone I want my family I wanna be. . . Don't, Glen, I'm just a little girl. I never hurt you. Not ever on purpose. I'll be good, I swear. I love Maddy; she's almost my baby sister. Please, Glen. . .
The final blow did not come. I waited, tense and choking down painful sobs. Zack's gone and left me and he'll never know how I was made Dead.
No, it never came. I waited and then the sound of something splintering and a loud noise. I opened my eyes. Zack was hurting Glen. The Enemy. Zack didn't leave me behind. He came back for me.
Zack loves me, I'm his Baby Sister.
Maybe, maybe if I'd admitted to myself that the Blue Lady didn't exist before today, Zack would've come for me sooner. What if. . .
Finally, Glen was slumped on the landing, and Zack turned to me, his expression unreadable. "Can you walk, Lexy?"
"I think so." I scrambled to my shaky legs. "We need to get away before Sue and Maddy get home, Zack."
"Lets go," Zack motioned I follow him out into the street. I was tense for three blocks, for Glen's furious roar and Sue's wail . . .nothing.
The car was a small, ordinary one, and Zack motioned I get in. I did, very quickly. No one can see me.
We drove in silence for two hours. Then Zack began relaxing.
"Are you okay, Lexy? Not injured?" He inquired.
"Nothing serious."
"What are the injuries you did sustain?"
"Sprained wrist, various cuts and bruises."
"We'll stop in a few hours for food. If you want to, you can sleep," Zack's giving me a funny look. I nod and curl up in a ball. My legs and arms are streaked with blood and bruises, under a layer of dirt, grime and dust. And my hair is tangled and gross.
There is some broken sleep, blank of dreams and nightmares. Just rest. When I woke up, I felt quite a bit better and stretched.
"How are you feeling, Lex?"
"Better. A lot better." I reach for my bag, at my feet, and fumble for a pair of shoes and a hairbrush. I am so dirty and I would love a shower. But I brush my hair and put my shoes on - flat little red sandals. Stupid shoes but my sneakers are crammed deep in the bag and Zack is already pulling up at a roadside diner.
"Coming, Lexy?"
Zack walks next to me, his whole stance screaming defensive and protection. We slide into a booth and a waitress comes over, with small paper menus. I am very tired and sore and really don't care what I eat. Zack understands this and orders for me. We are alone to talk.
"Why did you save me, Zack?" I ask, staring at the road to nowhere. No, the road to El Dorado. Wasn't El Dorado an idea of paradise or something? I don't remember.
"Lydecker is searching for the X5s who escaped. And he was on your trail. You'll be moved and he'll never know," Zack says.
"Who got out that night, Zack?"
"Twelve got out that night - among them were you, Syl, Zane and Jondy," Zack said. "I'm still trying the track down the others."
I nodded and the waitress saved us from any uncomfortable silences by bringing our meals. Zack had ordered us both hamburgers and milkshakes. He obviously knew the way to my heart was through copious amounts of junk food. Mmm, and the milkshake was chocolate.
"I am really sorry, Lex," Zack looked at me almost affectionately. "That I didn't get you out of that hell hole sooner. How bad was it?"
Something in his eyes made me decide to be honest. "Some days I wanted to go back to Manticore. And I wanted to be with Eva and Jack and the Blue Lady. But I think I'm okay."
Zack nodded, looking satisfied and we both dug into the food. It wasn't exactly five-star, but it was filling and it was hot. So, I was full and warm and all ready to go to sleep. Zack paid and stocked up on drinks and salted snack foods.
"There's a 24-hour motel about an hour away. We'll crash there till midnight."
I nodded and looked at the clock on the wall of the diner. Only 5:30 p.m. So, we'd get about six hours of sleep. That's definitely enough for both of us; I need sleep so my body can start healing.
We climbed back into the car and drove off onto that never-ending paradise- seeking road. We turned up the radio, and I stared out the window.
"Lexy? Is everything okay? You're so. . .quiet. Back at the barracks, you used to talk so much and I used to get so angry with you." I jerked around to look at Zack. He sounded sad.
"I. . .there's not much point talking if there's no one to listen to you," I smiled. "Just dealing. And being thrown down a flight of stairs kinda takes a lot out of you."
"Half a flight of stairs, baby sister."
"What-ever," I grinned, giving him my best valley-girl impression. "Hurt just the same."
"No, if you'd been thrown down a whole flight of stairs, I'd be concerned. You bounce, Lex."
"I know. We all do," I sat back.
"What is really bothering you, Lex?"
"Did Tawny get out? Do you know where he is? Is he okay?" I babbled, my eyes wide with hope. I love you Tawn, you and I are special. Like Syl and Krit and Jondy and Mish.
"Yes, yes and he's doing well. But for security, I can't tell you anything about his location," Zack said and I knew the discussion was over.
"Thank you, Zack," I smiled and went back to gazing back out the window. Passing. We're leaving something behind and I'll never ever smell that vanilla washing soap again.
The hotel is cheap but acceptable. I have the first shower, which makes me happy. The bathroom is white and maroon and I feel safe. I wash my hair and scrub at the bruises and cuts with the scrubbing brush. By the end of my shower - three minutes - my skin has red blotches all over it - half from the hot water and half from my scrubbing at my skin, to cleanse myself. Finally, I look decent. And because we'll be leaving at midnight, I just put on some clean clothes. I pull on a loose grey top and some red sweatpants, clean socks and my sneakers are left by the door. I pack my bag and braid my hair loosely. I feel better and just want to curl up and sleep.
Zack smiles at me, as I climb onto the bed, wrapping myself in a purple blanket and collapsing into more dreamless sleep.
Someone shakes me awake. Zack. I sit up. A lamp is lit in the hotel room, making it feel so very homey. I glance at the digital clock. 12:07 a.m. Whoops, Zack won't be happy with me. Oh well. I pull on my sneakers and Zack tells me to grab a pillow and the purple blanket. I notice he has left the correct amount of money - with extra for the pillow and blanket - next to the Bible, on the coffee table.
As we speed off into the night, I begin to nod off again. Zack hasn't said anything about me being allowed to sleep some more, but I can't. . . help. . . it. . .
I wake up, and there is sun shining in my face. The blanket is tucked around me and the car clock blinks 6:47 a.m. Zack must've needed a bathroom stop or something to eat.
But he reappears, face expressionless.
"Good morning," he says, his eyes lit with a bit of amusement. "Are you hungry?"
I nod and climb out of the car. My wrist is still a bit tender but I've almost completely healed up. "What were you doing?"
"Siphoning gasoline. Come on. We've got to be in San Francisco soon."
I follow him into the small diner-esque place and we have pancakes, orange juice, coffee and Zack lets me buy a box of chocolate doughnuts, I'll finally get to try one.
I know Zack's taking me to Tawny; he'll look after me and we'll be happy and safe. No one can touch us. It'll be perfect.
I listen to the radio and munch on doughnuts until we finally get to San Francisco. I'm practically bouncing in my seat. Tawny will be so handsome, with actual hair and those wonderful eyes of his.
But I almost feel my heart leap into my mouth when we stop outside a sterile looking building labeled 'Social Services.' And I nearly hurl up pancakes and eight chocolate and sprinkle covered doughnuts.
"What. . .?" I asked, feeling slightly faint.
"You need another foster family, Lexy. What else are you going to do?" Zack rummaged around his pocket, and came up with two things. "Give the social worker this and this is for you, in an emergency." For me, was a thick roll of twenty and fifty dollar notes held with a rubber band. I took the envelope and money.
"I thought you'd save me. I'll die, Zack, I will," my voice wavered.
"Lexy, this one will be okay. Go in and the social worker will be wonderful. I'll see you next time you need me, okay?" Zack said patiently. A deep, cold horror gripped me.
"I'll never see you again, Zack. God, please don't leave me," I begged.
"You will, I promise."
"No, no, no. You promised the Outside would be better and its not, it really isn't," I felt tears on my cheeks.
"Lex, I order you to walk into the social services and get a new foster family," Zack's voice was like steel.
"You're my brother, Zack, you're meant to love me and keep me safe, this doesn't count," I cried. "I trusted you. Take me to Tawny, please, Zack, please."
"Lexy. Get out of this car or I will never speak to you again."
Openly crying, I grabbed my bag and got out. And that is when my Biggest Brother drove off, abandoning me. He left me alone again with no one in the world. I felt like every thing was collapsing on top of me and there was no way to save myself. I'm a child, what can I do?
My blood ran like iced water through my body, but I went into the social service building. I answered all the questions I was asked and I gave the worker Zack's letter. I was virtually silent.
For three hours, I sat on a hard plastic chair with my arms around my bag. I am invisible. I am going to sit here for ten years and no one cares about me. No body loves me. I'm going to die. Zack has no heart.
Maybe it's me. Maybe this is all my fault. I'm unlovable. What is love? I don't love anyone, and no one loves me. I hate Zack. I hate Manticore and I want to die. I hate life. Why me? What is the point? Someone save me.
"Alecia?" the Social Worker appeared, smiling. "Your new foster family has arrived."
I trusted you, Zack. And this doesn't count.
I gotta do something about my review addiction; but its safer if I don't quit cold turkey *g*. So, please review.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Summer is here. Has been for two weeks. Over a month has passed since my breakdown in the E Block bathrooms. I've never felt so sad in my life. I am a pathetic Thing.
But the bike looks a heap better now - I painted it red. The front wheel is bent, but it works well enough to take me to the park or the shop for an ice cream.
I sit in the grass at the park, making a daisy chain. My hair is loose, covering my barcode, and I'm wearing an old red sundress and black sandals. The bike is next to me, and I'm watching Gina and Katy talk to two boys in our class - Jerry and Tim. Gina and Katy have padded their training bras and their skirts are so short, they almost show their underwear.
Sex, is what we learnt about in school before summer and it's gross and scary and I swear I'll never ever do it with any man. I had a dream the other night I was doing It with a guy and he was smothering me. I was choking and dying underneath him. I'm never going to be anything more than a little girl. I swear to myself. I am completely petrified that something will happen and I'll have to have sex with someone.
"Hello, Alexis," Gina walks past, arm in arm with Jerry, while Katy is smirking, on the arm of Tim. "Having a nice summer?"
"Um, sort of," I answer in a soft voice, Gina and Katy already walking off and having already forgotten about me in the grass. I lie back in the grass, watching the clouds float in the sky. There will be a storm tonight; I can smell it in the air. It smells like an end and a beginning in one. Old and new starts.
A dog barking quite close to me makes me scramble to my feet, grabbing my bike to put it between me and the dog wherever it was, if he attacked me. I hate, detest, and loathe all canine-esque animals.
The dog was a Dalmatian, with a pink leather colour around its neck. I was huddled behind the bike. Syl being pushed against the rocks at Manticore by the German Shepherd. The dog tearing at Syl's flesh, her screams and cries - like a kitten. Krit and Tawny are pulling the dog off her, Jondy and I scrambling to help them. I can smell the blood as Zane shoots the dog and Syl's blood all over the rocks and ground. Syl's small, six-year old body lying completely still - and Eva and Krit are crying over her. Get the dog away from me! There is no one here to save me. Blue Lady.!
"So sorry!" The woman who owns the dog runs over, pulling the dog away from me. "Poppy is only a puppy! She won't bite, she's quite playful."
"No, I am very.allergic to all dogs," I stammered in my quiet, odd sounding little voice I had somewhere acquired this summer. It was a very passive little voice. Weak, pathetic and soppy - useless like me. Pointless and a waste of oxygen.
The lady attached that beast to a leash, giving me a funny look. I climbed onto my bike and rode away as fast as a possibly could. Faster, faster, faster I ride, and then the beast won't get me. Won't tear me apart like the Dog tried to do to Syl.
My bike hits something; the crunching noise suggests a soda can; and I fly off, rolling into the gutter. I whack my head against the edge of the sidewalk. I blink and sit up, rubbing my head. I can feel a sticky lump of blood tangled in my hair. My head hurts worse than ever. I've skinned my left knee, and my elbow.
The bike.
Oh, no. It's in the gutter, too, all scraped up and an absolute mess. Glen will absolutely murder me - literally. Only last week, Glen threw me against the solid pine kitchen table.
I scramble to my feet, aching all over my poor little body. I'm tall and wirey and bruise so easily. Luckily, I also have the wonderful X5 ability of fast healing. I should be healed up in 24 hours.
I wheel the bike home, pretty much limping the entire way. I know something. Maybe it's the storm coming, maybe the fall. Ben's Blue Lady doesn't exist. Maybe I always knew that the Blue Lady didn't exist, but I didn't have to admit it to myself before now. Maybe I'm a nomalie. I wish I had proper friends and actual family. I wish my siblings and I could actually be together. What's the point of being free, being Outside if we're alone and slowly dying? Why do I have to be by myself?
It began to rain just as I made it home. I love rain, and the cold. It feels clean and fresher and safer. The heat chokes me and tries to suffocate and kill me.
I left the scratched up bike in the shed, going to the bathroom, to wipe up my blood and bandage myself up. The white bandage stains instantly and I want to rewrap my bandages so that they are white but there aren't any left.
The antiseptic stings as I smear it across my elbow. Then I go downstairs. Sue and Maddy are out, visiting Sue's sister. Glen is either at work or at a bar. I'm allowed to eat lunch - nothing exciting, or even nice, just some stale bread and peanut butter. Maybe some jelly or a couple of biscuits. I'd love some ice cream; I haven't had one in so long.
I switch on the TV, nibbling on the corner of my sandwich, and watching the television; some wishy-washy pre-Pulse soap opera. It wasn't at all interesting, but it held my attention for awhile. It was so hot and I went upstairs to my room - Sue had bought a fan, for Maddy, and it greatly helped most days - and nights.
I lay on my bed, my eyes closed. Trying to cool down, it was so hot . . . so, so hot. . .
"X5-663."
I almost jumped out of my skin at that. I tumbled to the floor, in a defensive position, my gaze scanning the room for The Enemy, in ready position, and my gaze finally rested on the window. Where there was someone I would never forget. . .
"Lexy." Zack's face broke into a grin for a split second. "Come on. We need to get you out of here now."
I froze. "Do I need my clothes?"
"Cram as much stuff in a bag now, give it to me and I'll meet you with the car and the bags outside the hardware store. You leave the house normally. Understand, Lexy?"
"Yes, sir." I dreamt of just being able to hug my siblings but now Zack's here, I don't feel like I have that right. He's. . .everything I remember, right down to the Zack-scent of gunpowder and coffee. This is my Big Brother.
As I empty my school bag of all the bits and pieces and start to cram in my clothes and shoes - and my hairbrush, I wonder where Zack has been all this time. Did he run away from a foster home? Or has he been finding all of us? I wonder how many of us got out.Chi and Trey and Remi and Ben and Cora. . .Jace and Brin and Jondy.
"Okay. Hardware Store in ten minutes, Lex." Zack takes the bag from me and vanishes from the window.
Downstairs, a door slams. I can tell by the heavy footsteps on the lino that it's Glen that's home.
"Alexis! What the hell happened to Maddy's bike?"
I close my eyes and take a breath. I slipped forwards and walked down to the landing. "I almost got ran over and fell off the bike. I'm sorry, I'll fix it." I almost gagged as Glen got closer and the stench of cigarettes and vomit and alcohol overtook my senses.
"Fix it? Might as well throw out the shit heap now! That was my father's bike when he was a goddamned kid, you little brat!" Glen stood on the landing with me. His bulk took up most of the space, my heals were hanging off the top step, thanks to my cat-like balance. "Take all our money, sleep in our house, eat our food and break my nose and you couldn't give a damn, little slut. Have a boy up in that room of Maddy's, dontcha, whore?"
I whimpered. I need to go or Zack will leave me behind and I'll be stuck here forever and ever. Manticore. I wanna go back to Manticore; I wanna go back to Manticore. I wanna go back to Manticore!
Glen gripped my forearm, dragging me closer. "What did you say, Alexis?"
"N-Nothing."
"'You don't have anything to say to me, allowing you to suck the life out of this godforsaken household? Ruin my family, you do!"
The first punch managed to blur my vision up and I crumpled in a heap. Two, three, ten. .
"The Nomalies will get you," I managed to shriek out, as Glen broke another two of my ribs. "The Blue Lady'll save me and the Nomalies will suck your blood!" Zack's gone and left me here. I'm gonna be a Nomalie. I want Eva.
I want my mommy.
Both of us went silent for different reasons - Glen, to make sense of my ramblings. Me, because I'd never felt that desperate need to be with my mother. How would I know what a proper mom was?
No, I want my big brother to save me and I want him NOW!
"Blue Lady? Nomalies?" Glen was getting angrier. "This is the last time you'll ever make trouble for me - or anyone else."
Maybe it was the piercing scream I uttered as Glen threw me down the stairs. Each X5 has a special cry. Mine in particular sounds a bit like a cross between a bird and a kitten. It's very high pitched.
I went sailing through the air - flying, it felt like peace - and then I hit the lino floor, my body limp like a rag doll, my head cracking against the plaster wall. The slap of my bare legs hitting the lino at a great speed. I lay still, pain throbbing through my body, waiting for it all to end. Death. I know what Death is. It's Not Being. It's not being Ordinary or Chimera, or X5 or a Nomalie or being with the Blue Lady and Eva and Ben, it's fading away forever and ever, leave me alone I want my family I wanna be. . . Don't, Glen, I'm just a little girl. I never hurt you. Not ever on purpose. I'll be good, I swear. I love Maddy; she's almost my baby sister. Please, Glen. . .
The final blow did not come. I waited, tense and choking down painful sobs. Zack's gone and left me and he'll never know how I was made Dead.
No, it never came. I waited and then the sound of something splintering and a loud noise. I opened my eyes. Zack was hurting Glen. The Enemy. Zack didn't leave me behind. He came back for me.
Zack loves me, I'm his Baby Sister.
Maybe, maybe if I'd admitted to myself that the Blue Lady didn't exist before today, Zack would've come for me sooner. What if. . .
Finally, Glen was slumped on the landing, and Zack turned to me, his expression unreadable. "Can you walk, Lexy?"
"I think so." I scrambled to my shaky legs. "We need to get away before Sue and Maddy get home, Zack."
"Lets go," Zack motioned I follow him out into the street. I was tense for three blocks, for Glen's furious roar and Sue's wail . . .nothing.
The car was a small, ordinary one, and Zack motioned I get in. I did, very quickly. No one can see me.
We drove in silence for two hours. Then Zack began relaxing.
"Are you okay, Lexy? Not injured?" He inquired.
"Nothing serious."
"What are the injuries you did sustain?"
"Sprained wrist, various cuts and bruises."
"We'll stop in a few hours for food. If you want to, you can sleep," Zack's giving me a funny look. I nod and curl up in a ball. My legs and arms are streaked with blood and bruises, under a layer of dirt, grime and dust. And my hair is tangled and gross.
There is some broken sleep, blank of dreams and nightmares. Just rest. When I woke up, I felt quite a bit better and stretched.
"How are you feeling, Lex?"
"Better. A lot better." I reach for my bag, at my feet, and fumble for a pair of shoes and a hairbrush. I am so dirty and I would love a shower. But I brush my hair and put my shoes on - flat little red sandals. Stupid shoes but my sneakers are crammed deep in the bag and Zack is already pulling up at a roadside diner.
"Coming, Lexy?"
Zack walks next to me, his whole stance screaming defensive and protection. We slide into a booth and a waitress comes over, with small paper menus. I am very tired and sore and really don't care what I eat. Zack understands this and orders for me. We are alone to talk.
"Why did you save me, Zack?" I ask, staring at the road to nowhere. No, the road to El Dorado. Wasn't El Dorado an idea of paradise or something? I don't remember.
"Lydecker is searching for the X5s who escaped. And he was on your trail. You'll be moved and he'll never know," Zack says.
"Who got out that night, Zack?"
"Twelve got out that night - among them were you, Syl, Zane and Jondy," Zack said. "I'm still trying the track down the others."
I nodded and the waitress saved us from any uncomfortable silences by bringing our meals. Zack had ordered us both hamburgers and milkshakes. He obviously knew the way to my heart was through copious amounts of junk food. Mmm, and the milkshake was chocolate.
"I am really sorry, Lex," Zack looked at me almost affectionately. "That I didn't get you out of that hell hole sooner. How bad was it?"
Something in his eyes made me decide to be honest. "Some days I wanted to go back to Manticore. And I wanted to be with Eva and Jack and the Blue Lady. But I think I'm okay."
Zack nodded, looking satisfied and we both dug into the food. It wasn't exactly five-star, but it was filling and it was hot. So, I was full and warm and all ready to go to sleep. Zack paid and stocked up on drinks and salted snack foods.
"There's a 24-hour motel about an hour away. We'll crash there till midnight."
I nodded and looked at the clock on the wall of the diner. Only 5:30 p.m. So, we'd get about six hours of sleep. That's definitely enough for both of us; I need sleep so my body can start healing.
We climbed back into the car and drove off onto that never-ending paradise- seeking road. We turned up the radio, and I stared out the window.
"Lexy? Is everything okay? You're so. . .quiet. Back at the barracks, you used to talk so much and I used to get so angry with you." I jerked around to look at Zack. He sounded sad.
"I. . .there's not much point talking if there's no one to listen to you," I smiled. "Just dealing. And being thrown down a flight of stairs kinda takes a lot out of you."
"Half a flight of stairs, baby sister."
"What-ever," I grinned, giving him my best valley-girl impression. "Hurt just the same."
"No, if you'd been thrown down a whole flight of stairs, I'd be concerned. You bounce, Lex."
"I know. We all do," I sat back.
"What is really bothering you, Lex?"
"Did Tawny get out? Do you know where he is? Is he okay?" I babbled, my eyes wide with hope. I love you Tawn, you and I are special. Like Syl and Krit and Jondy and Mish.
"Yes, yes and he's doing well. But for security, I can't tell you anything about his location," Zack said and I knew the discussion was over.
"Thank you, Zack," I smiled and went back to gazing back out the window. Passing. We're leaving something behind and I'll never ever smell that vanilla washing soap again.
The hotel is cheap but acceptable. I have the first shower, which makes me happy. The bathroom is white and maroon and I feel safe. I wash my hair and scrub at the bruises and cuts with the scrubbing brush. By the end of my shower - three minutes - my skin has red blotches all over it - half from the hot water and half from my scrubbing at my skin, to cleanse myself. Finally, I look decent. And because we'll be leaving at midnight, I just put on some clean clothes. I pull on a loose grey top and some red sweatpants, clean socks and my sneakers are left by the door. I pack my bag and braid my hair loosely. I feel better and just want to curl up and sleep.
Zack smiles at me, as I climb onto the bed, wrapping myself in a purple blanket and collapsing into more dreamless sleep.
Someone shakes me awake. Zack. I sit up. A lamp is lit in the hotel room, making it feel so very homey. I glance at the digital clock. 12:07 a.m. Whoops, Zack won't be happy with me. Oh well. I pull on my sneakers and Zack tells me to grab a pillow and the purple blanket. I notice he has left the correct amount of money - with extra for the pillow and blanket - next to the Bible, on the coffee table.
As we speed off into the night, I begin to nod off again. Zack hasn't said anything about me being allowed to sleep some more, but I can't. . . help. . . it. . .
I wake up, and there is sun shining in my face. The blanket is tucked around me and the car clock blinks 6:47 a.m. Zack must've needed a bathroom stop or something to eat.
But he reappears, face expressionless.
"Good morning," he says, his eyes lit with a bit of amusement. "Are you hungry?"
I nod and climb out of the car. My wrist is still a bit tender but I've almost completely healed up. "What were you doing?"
"Siphoning gasoline. Come on. We've got to be in San Francisco soon."
I follow him into the small diner-esque place and we have pancakes, orange juice, coffee and Zack lets me buy a box of chocolate doughnuts, I'll finally get to try one.
I know Zack's taking me to Tawny; he'll look after me and we'll be happy and safe. No one can touch us. It'll be perfect.
I listen to the radio and munch on doughnuts until we finally get to San Francisco. I'm practically bouncing in my seat. Tawny will be so handsome, with actual hair and those wonderful eyes of his.
But I almost feel my heart leap into my mouth when we stop outside a sterile looking building labeled 'Social Services.' And I nearly hurl up pancakes and eight chocolate and sprinkle covered doughnuts.
"What. . .?" I asked, feeling slightly faint.
"You need another foster family, Lexy. What else are you going to do?" Zack rummaged around his pocket, and came up with two things. "Give the social worker this and this is for you, in an emergency." For me, was a thick roll of twenty and fifty dollar notes held with a rubber band. I took the envelope and money.
"I thought you'd save me. I'll die, Zack, I will," my voice wavered.
"Lexy, this one will be okay. Go in and the social worker will be wonderful. I'll see you next time you need me, okay?" Zack said patiently. A deep, cold horror gripped me.
"I'll never see you again, Zack. God, please don't leave me," I begged.
"You will, I promise."
"No, no, no. You promised the Outside would be better and its not, it really isn't," I felt tears on my cheeks.
"Lex, I order you to walk into the social services and get a new foster family," Zack's voice was like steel.
"You're my brother, Zack, you're meant to love me and keep me safe, this doesn't count," I cried. "I trusted you. Take me to Tawny, please, Zack, please."
"Lexy. Get out of this car or I will never speak to you again."
Openly crying, I grabbed my bag and got out. And that is when my Biggest Brother drove off, abandoning me. He left me alone again with no one in the world. I felt like every thing was collapsing on top of me and there was no way to save myself. I'm a child, what can I do?
My blood ran like iced water through my body, but I went into the social service building. I answered all the questions I was asked and I gave the worker Zack's letter. I was virtually silent.
For three hours, I sat on a hard plastic chair with my arms around my bag. I am invisible. I am going to sit here for ten years and no one cares about me. No body loves me. I'm going to die. Zack has no heart.
Maybe it's me. Maybe this is all my fault. I'm unlovable. What is love? I don't love anyone, and no one loves me. I hate Zack. I hate Manticore and I want to die. I hate life. Why me? What is the point? Someone save me.
"Alecia?" the Social Worker appeared, smiling. "Your new foster family has arrived."
I trusted you, Zack. And this doesn't count.