AN: Sorry this chapter took so long. This fic is surprisingly hard to write. But we're getting there slowly. I have a pretty good idea of what's going to happen in this fic and all. I found out more about the song this fic is named after - Sheryl Crowe 'Kiss That Girl'.
Reviews are adored and beloved.
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I stand in front of the mirror in my bedroom. Its autumn and I've just celebrated my twelfth birthday, November 7th. Two weeks ago now.
My foster family isn't too bad – the third foster family I've had since I've been in San Francisco. This time it's Sarah and Tom Marsden, with their son, Henry. Henry is nine. He's very loud and he's bigger than I am, so I stay away from him. But Tom and Sarah are actually really nice to me, so it's not as bad as any of the others. Only a little bit bad.
I have to go to school today, and that's very scary for me. I began to 'develop' recently, and now my chest and butt stick out too much. I'm wearing jeans and a bra, as I stand in front of the mirror. I reach for a roll of masking tape and begin to wrap it around and around my chest to flatten it. I don't ever want to be one of those girls that the boys whistle at.
I tug my sweatshirt over my head and stand sideways to look in the mirror. Good. There isn't much I can do about my butt, but with masking tape around my bra, my chest looks perfectly flat. I think I'm a Nomalie. I bet Syl or Chi's chest doesn't stick out as much as mine.
"Alecia, time for breakfast!" Sarah's voice calls upstairs.
"Coming!" I call back. I brush my hair – it's longer than my shoulders now – almost to my waist. I jam a blue baseball cap on my head and pull my old sneakers on my feet. I look Ordinary.
I grab my backpack and go down stairs slowly. I'm never hungry anymore and Sarah always makes me eat something – unless I'm late for the bus.
"Alecia?" Tom's friendly face pokes around the corner. "You're being a slow poke. Come on, Sarah's made you some fruit salad. You'll miss your bus."
I nod and follow Tom down to the sunny kitchen silently, at a normal pace. Sarah is still in her dressing gown and Henry is chatting loudly to her.
"Good morning, Alecia," Sarah smiles at me. "There's some fruit salad there for you."
"Thank you, Sarah," I manage a bit of a smile. I perch on a chair, nibbling at a hunk of orange for a bit. My stomach rebels at the first sign of food, but Sarah will force me to eat. I gulp down a glass of juice and push around the hunks of fruit, managing a few more.
"Henry, Alecia, time to go to the bus stop," Tom says as the radio begins the eight o clock news. "Have a good day."
"You too," I say, softly, putting my backpack on my back. Henry clamours for lunch money, while I take my lunch in a brown paper bag. I leave my bowl mostly full, and leave the house. The Marsden family even has a white picket fence around the house.
I walk to the bus stop where Kelly and Mark catch the bus as well. Kelly is very beautiful and wears tiny dresses. Mark always wears shorts. I don't talk to them; I sit on my bag and read a book until the bus comes. When I read, it makes me feel like I don't have to be me anymore and that makes me feel good – not being me, I mean.
I also like music. Tom gave me a Discman thing for my 'birthday' and some Compact Discs. All good music. I like lying on my bed and listening to it when I can't sleep. Which is most nights – there is always a dog in my dreams and he's going to kill me. There is always a lot of blood in my dreams as well.
The big, silver bus pulls up and I pick up my bag to get on. Henry comes sprinting across the street to get on.
I sit at the front. No one can hurt you if you sit here. They pinch and call you names up the back. And the older boys ask you to do sex stuff with them – I didn't know this until Kelly explained it to me. After that, I sat up the front.
Zack's left me by myself. I knew he would, but I really wish he hadn't. Cause I don't hate him, I love him. He's my Big Brother. Maybe I don't need him while I'm here. Because Sarah and Tom don't hit me; Henry does sometimes and then Sarah yells at him like Lydecker used to yell at Zane.
The bus pulls us at my school and I am the first one off. I do not make friends easily and have none here. I am known as the teacher's pet because I have never once forgotten to
complete my homework. I walk across the lawn, trying not to look at anyone as I cross the grounds to my classroom. I'm still in the sixth grade. Maybe I'll be able to move up to the seventh grade after Christmas. I don't know why I was made to stay back but I don't ask questions about that sort of thing.
My classroom is very colourful and it's sort of smothering. I want to be in the high school now, where I can escape from the classroom to the library. My head aches as I sit at my desk, over near the window and pull out my book. I drift when I read. I have too many thoughts to exist, just me and the pages and words. Stories are always resolved somehow. I'm never resolved.
The bell rings and the thin layer of drifting I've managed to achieve shatters. I feel very real as everyone else races to their desks. I jam my book into my bag and I listen to the teacher.
Why am I here? What is the point? I just want to be dead when I'm older. I want to be free; I want to be crystallized. A statue of something beautiful – I want to be ice. I haven't felt like an icicle in so long. Feeling it now makes me feel new again
The icicle feeling helps me work through the morning – mathematics and history. I can focus on my work and feel untouchable. None of the snide remarks whispered at me can hurt me or touch me. I do my work and daydream and go to the library at recess. I just sit there, looking at all the books around me.
I look up maps of America, and I can trace where I've been since Manticore. A long way. I wonder where Zack is now. I wonder if he's been to every American capitol city. It would be wonderful. Like, it would be real true freedom. Like a dream or something.
I go back to class and then out to lunch, then more class and finally I am free to go home. I always walk home because I hate the bus. It makes me feel sick to my stomach. And today I'll be at home by myself – Henry has soccer training and Sarah and Tom work till six thirty. I'll be alone in the house until dinnertime.
I take a short cut through the sports oval and I see boys playing baseball. One breaks away to grab the ball that rolls towards me. He has brown hair and green eyes and he smiles at me, like no one has ever smiled at me before.
I smile tentatively back. "Hi."
"Hey." He's grinning quite broadly at me. He is very. . .nice to look at. But his friends are yelling for him to bring the ball back. I give him another smile and keep walking – the sun is quite hot and I want to get home where I'm going to drink orange juice; my greatest joy is orange juice. Like drinking sunlight or something. Even now, the colour of it can hold my gaze for hours.
Home is nice and cool and refreshing. I go straight to my room and I change into shorts and a loose tank top. I walk down stairs and to the kitchen and walk on the cool white kitchen tiles. I just want to sit on them – cool and white and perfect. I just slide down the wall, on to the floor and tears began sliding down my cheeks. Not a sound from me, just tears on my face. I hate being so very alone. I want to be with my Eva. I haven't thought about Eva in so long, she probably hates me. The Blue Lady is nothing to me anymore. No, she is comfort when I am afraid. But I'm not afraid, so I don't have to reach for her skirts now.
Somebody is on the stairs. I sit up straighter and watch the door. Zack's frame is there – he must be at least seventeen now, and looks older and scarier.
"Zack," is all I can say, watching him carefully. He really doesn't care about me, I know that. I'm nothing more than a kid sister, a nuisance. Leave me, Zack. Go find Jondy or Syl and look after them.
"Lexy," he says, in this voice that makes me want to start bawling like a baby. But I stay on the tiles, looking at him. "I thought you'd be okay here."
"And I am okay, Zack," I reply dutifully. He wants me to say that so he won't feel guilty, I know that.
"Stand up and calm down," Zack orders. I do as he says, wiping my eyes on the edge of my top.
"Would you like something to eat or drink?" I ask, opening the enormous fridge Sarah and Tom own.
"Yes please," Zack says. I am silent as I make salad sandwiches and pour two glasses of orange juice.
We sit at the table, opposite each other and I nibble on a corner of a sandwich.
"Tell me about your friends, Lexy," Zack asks gruffly.
"I don't have any friends," I reply, gazing at my plate. "No emotional ties or the mission is compromised."
Zack looks at me with something akin to shock on his face. Why is this so surprising? I am a good soldier Zack that's what you wanted. Or maybe you don't want me at all.
"Lexy, making some acquaintances at school might make you settle a bit more," Zack suggested. "You haven't settled as well as the others."
I look out the window. "I'm sorry – I tried."
"Keep trying, Lexy." He doesn't sound mean, just tired but kind.
I look at him. "How are the others?"
"They're good. Brin is studying at college and Tawny is working at a garage."
"They sound happy."
"They are. But are you?"
I shrug. "I'm alone, Zack. People who are alone are never happy."
"Maybe," Zack stood up, "Maybe you're sick, Lexy. I read about this thing in some of Brin's psych books – you have early signs of adolescent depression, Lexy."
"Well, maybe you should stop reading Brin's stupid books," I retorted. Silence. "What if I do have this adolescent depression thing, what can I do about it? Does it make you sad all the time?"
"Well, you need to talk to someone – a doctor," Zack seemed to be talking to himself more than he was talking to me.
"Well, I cannot do that," I said, getting angry. Wow, it actually felt good. I haven't been properly angry since Eva died. "Yes, tell an Ordinary about Manticore. I can see how Lydecker would never ever track me down if I did *that*."
"Brin will graduate in four years," Zack looked at me. "It's the best I can do for you, Lexy."
"Four years? That's forever," I looked outside.
"I've got to go, Lex," Zack sighed. "I only came to check on you. It'll get better soon, Baby Sister."
"Yeah, yeah," I said sourly. "See ya."
"Bye, Lex." Zack's hand rested on my shoulder for a moment and then he is gone. I am always alone. I know that. Why though? This is so unfair. I don't want to be a sad person anymore. I'm not going to be Lexy-who-is-Alecia anymore. I'm going to be Alecia. I'm going to try and talk to some people at school and be someone. No more sad girl.
And I can do that. But I still go upstairs and do my homework because homework makes me feel better about myself – smooth, blank pages of paper, the questions and my pen. It just makes me feel good.
I am Alecia at dinner. I take about books and my schoolwork and I can eat dinner. Sarah and Tom are happy because I am happy – and after dinner, Henry and I play a little bit of basketball. It makes me feel okay. But I kinda of feel numb. Which might be okay soon.
I lie awake that night, wrapped in my pink quilt, cuddling one of the multiple teddy bears I've been given by Sarah. I've named this bear, a white and black one, Cody. Because he's black and white like a barcode.
Cody, can you hear me? Where am I safe? Am I ever going to be safe? Am I Nomalie? Nomalies are scary. I remember when I saw a Nomalie in the basement – it had a muzzle on and Tawny stood in front of me so it couldn't get me. I sometimes think it did get my mind, Cody.
I feel sick in my stomach and I go to the bathroom to get a glass of water. I look in the mirror. I am so ugly. I want to die and not feel like this. Be alone, be peaceful and be an icicle.
I fill my cup up with water from the taps. Sarah and Tom's bathroom is light pink and white. I can't go into red and blue bathrooms. Glen is still in my nightmares. I wonder if Zack killed him. I wonder how little Maddy is.
Tom's razor is resting on the edge of the bath and I pick it up. Black and silver, it almost reminds me of my favourite gun back at Manticore. It hung between Tawny's and Chi's and I was always the slowest to clean my guns. No, the slowest was Jace. She was so funny. So were Zane and Mish; they were always in trouble.
I run the razor down my right arms, to see if it cuts away the tiny light coloured hairs there.
Worse. I press it too hard to my arm and it takes away flesh, a hunk about an inch high and wide. I drop the razor, hissing with pain and clamp my left hand over my arm.
I see blood oozing between my fingers and lift my hand off. There is a lot of blood. As I look at the blood winding its way down my arm in a steady flow, I am reminded of Eva. I wish it were me, instead of you, Eva.
Maybe if Ben and I hadn't been silly in the shower block, we would've made it back early and that would've given us time to hide our Maxie.
I know I must clean up the blood that has dripped onto the bathroom floor, and fix up my arm. And throw away this nightdress.
I switch off the bathroom light – Sarah will check on me if I am too long. Then I found the gauze, a long bandage and some medical tape. I hurry back to my room, where I change my nightdress and throw the white nightdress in my rubbish bin. I'll have to disarm the fire alarm in my room tomorrow and burn it. I wrap my arm and crawl into bed. I am suddenly very tired and need to rest. . .
I am shaken awake by Sarah, who was still in her dressing gown – I can tell by the sun it is still early. "Alecia, I saw the bathroom. Are you okay? Do you feel sick?"
I am still a bit asleep but I nod. I don't want to be Alecia. I want to be Lexy. I want to be hugged and babied.
"Okay honey, you stay here in bed. Did you find what you need okay?"
I am still confused but I agree with Sarah. She strokes my hair and says I can stay home from school today. She leaves me in bed, still dozing. Tom is outside my door and I half-hear their conversation. Period? What? Now I really am confused, but something at the back of my mind makes me realize I have done the right thing by agreeing with Sarah.
I lie back, my bandaged arm around Cody. I am very tired and I let myself sleep. I always feel sick, so maybe I won't have to go to school anymore. That wouldn't be so bad.
I sleep until at least noon and then Sarah brings the TV into my bedroom, but also warns me that tomorrow I will have to go to school. I want to cry but tired soldiers don't cry.
TV only holds so much entertainment for me and soon I am dozing off again. Zack, what's a period? Cody, do you know? Do X5s even get them? Is it like Jill at school who has asthma? I shall have to learn about It so I can pretend I have It for Sarah.
Sun shines in my face and my alarm goes off. What? I jerk awake. I just fell asleep. I clutch Cody to me, bewildered. I think Eva was here with me. Maybe I was dreaming about her.
"Alecia, time to get ready for school!" Sarah calls. I am shocked. I have slept from 2 p.m. until 7 a.m. Wow. I've never slept that long before. And I am starving.
I dress quickly, wearing a sweatshirt over my dress so Sarah and Tom do not see my arm. I will have to go to school. Will I be Lexy-who-is-Alecia or Alecia today? My mind feels tired and I do not think that I can be Alecia today, but I will certainly try. I sit at the table and begin to eat the bowl of cereal very slowly. I think I make conversation but I'm not really sure – it's like I'm watching this whole scene rather than being apart of it. Sarah fussing around the kitchen, making me sandwiches, wearing her yellow flannel dressing gown, Tom at the kitchen table, reading the daily paper and drinking hiss second cup of coffee. And Henry, focused on his hand held video game, instead of his breakfast.
I take another mouthful of the cereal – it's sloppy, like wet cardboard. It's some sort of healthy bran stuff. The milk is watery, probably skim. What's the point of eating if I can't enjoy it?
I lick my spoon and put it beside my bowl. Five seconds, four, three, two and one…
"Henry, Alecia, time to go to the bus stop," Tom said, turning the page of his newspaper, as the eight o clock news came over the radio. Like clockwork. Like the bombs Tawny and I used to make. . .
And, like usual, I push my half-empty glass of milk across the table. Yuck. I hate milk and this is like the first morning ever that I won't drink it. Be Alecia, Lexy, please be Alecia.
"Bye. I'll see you this afternoon," I say hurriedly, grabbing my bag from the floor and jamming the paper bag with my sandwiches in it. I move quickly, grabbing my shoes and racing out the door, just as Sarah calls out.
"Alecia, come and drink your milk!"
And my reply flies back on the wind. "Noooooo!" I pause at the bus stop, ignoring Kelly and Mark, and pull on my shoes. I realize I have to go to school suddenly and it's like someone has thrown some cold water in my face. I really don't want to but I had yesterday off and I never miss school days.
I look at Kelly, her face a bland-ish colour from her cheap foundation and her eyelashes sticking together from the mascara. And Mark, with a cigarette in one hand and his drab clothes. Huh. I never noticed that Mark smoked before.
I turn on my heal and walk towards the park. I can't bring myself to skip school but I can walk there. Not a very long walk, but pleasant. No stench of cigarettes, cheap imitation perfume and the sugary sweet smell of flavoured lip-gloss. I can cut across the sports oval again.
A light breeze strikes up as I walk across the oval, headed towards my school. There are three schools around the oval. All looked like miniature, old-fashioned prisons.
"Hey!" A boy's voice calls out. Damn, I was hoping no other kids took this way to school. I liked it. Full of peace and… "Hey!"
Someone grabbed me from behind. "Hey!"
I whipped around, slightly freaked out by being grabbed by a complete stranger. I could feel my pulse racing.
He was a little taller than I was, with brown hair and green eyes and a tan. It was the boy from the ball game yesterday. He was grinning at me. I felt like running away from him as fast as possible.
"I'm Joel," he said.
"Um, hi," I said nervously. "I'm Le-Alecia. Alecia Marsden."
"Wow. That's a really…well-balance name," Joel smiled. "Um, I thought the other day that you were really…great and I was wondering if you wanted to come and get some pizza with me this afternoon at the mall with some of my friends."
Balanced? I'm not balanced, Joel. I am a psycho, a monster, a freak of nature. I'm so ugly and messed up. I'm a Nomalie, Joel. Don't you see that?
"I haven't got…any money," I said, sticking my hand in my dress pocket. I know I had two dollars but I couldn't spend it on pizza. I mean, I didn't want to.
Joel looks uneasy for a moment. "Uh, my treat. So, where will you meet me?"
I looked at my sneakers. He should be asking out some girl with blonde hair and blue eyes and a tiny dress. Not frumpy, old, freakish little me.
"How about here?" I said softly.
Joel grins and nods. "Excellent. Okay, I'll see you here at 3:30, Alice. Later."
I blink a bit and then turned around and kept walking towards my jail-school.
It is a long day and I feel like I'm sucked into a daze, like the whole day is a movie I'm watching on fast forward. I meet Joel on the oval, my backpack heavy with book.
"Alice – mind if I call you Ally? – We'd better get a move on," Joel leads me towards the main street. I nod dumbly and allow myself to be lead towards this pizza place. I've drunk so much water before coming over, I'm not really hungry.
The pizza place is dimly lit and playing old Pre-Pulse 80s music. The entire place smelt of garlic and smoke. I cough discreetly and Joel points to the booth we are meant to go over to…and I want to run so fast, away from this.
Two girls – one of them is Kelly from the bus stop, and another is a Gothic girl named Jill – and two guys, one I've never met and Mark from the bus stop.
"Alecia!" Kelly gasped, stabbing out her cigarette with a claw-like hand painted with bright pink nail polish. "You're Joel 's new girl? You must have superpowers or something we don't know about!"
I nod dumbly. "Yeah, or something."
Jill wordlessly offers me a cigarette, which I ignore as I slide into the booth. A waiter brings a pizza over to us, while Joel talks with his 'friends'. I am not apart of this world. They laugh about stuff containing death, make horrible jokes and tell each other about all the alcohol they consumed at a party. How would they know that when I was left in the freezing cold of a Wyoming Winter, my only authority figure left me with a flask of black coffee spiked with whiskey, to keep me warm, Jack shaking by my side and Jace counting down the minutes until we were allowed to return from the training exercise. . .
I am so cold.
Reviews are adored and beloved.
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I stand in front of the mirror in my bedroom. Its autumn and I've just celebrated my twelfth birthday, November 7th. Two weeks ago now.
My foster family isn't too bad – the third foster family I've had since I've been in San Francisco. This time it's Sarah and Tom Marsden, with their son, Henry. Henry is nine. He's very loud and he's bigger than I am, so I stay away from him. But Tom and Sarah are actually really nice to me, so it's not as bad as any of the others. Only a little bit bad.
I have to go to school today, and that's very scary for me. I began to 'develop' recently, and now my chest and butt stick out too much. I'm wearing jeans and a bra, as I stand in front of the mirror. I reach for a roll of masking tape and begin to wrap it around and around my chest to flatten it. I don't ever want to be one of those girls that the boys whistle at.
I tug my sweatshirt over my head and stand sideways to look in the mirror. Good. There isn't much I can do about my butt, but with masking tape around my bra, my chest looks perfectly flat. I think I'm a Nomalie. I bet Syl or Chi's chest doesn't stick out as much as mine.
"Alecia, time for breakfast!" Sarah's voice calls upstairs.
"Coming!" I call back. I brush my hair – it's longer than my shoulders now – almost to my waist. I jam a blue baseball cap on my head and pull my old sneakers on my feet. I look Ordinary.
I grab my backpack and go down stairs slowly. I'm never hungry anymore and Sarah always makes me eat something – unless I'm late for the bus.
"Alecia?" Tom's friendly face pokes around the corner. "You're being a slow poke. Come on, Sarah's made you some fruit salad. You'll miss your bus."
I nod and follow Tom down to the sunny kitchen silently, at a normal pace. Sarah is still in her dressing gown and Henry is chatting loudly to her.
"Good morning, Alecia," Sarah smiles at me. "There's some fruit salad there for you."
"Thank you, Sarah," I manage a bit of a smile. I perch on a chair, nibbling at a hunk of orange for a bit. My stomach rebels at the first sign of food, but Sarah will force me to eat. I gulp down a glass of juice and push around the hunks of fruit, managing a few more.
"Henry, Alecia, time to go to the bus stop," Tom says as the radio begins the eight o clock news. "Have a good day."
"You too," I say, softly, putting my backpack on my back. Henry clamours for lunch money, while I take my lunch in a brown paper bag. I leave my bowl mostly full, and leave the house. The Marsden family even has a white picket fence around the house.
I walk to the bus stop where Kelly and Mark catch the bus as well. Kelly is very beautiful and wears tiny dresses. Mark always wears shorts. I don't talk to them; I sit on my bag and read a book until the bus comes. When I read, it makes me feel like I don't have to be me anymore and that makes me feel good – not being me, I mean.
I also like music. Tom gave me a Discman thing for my 'birthday' and some Compact Discs. All good music. I like lying on my bed and listening to it when I can't sleep. Which is most nights – there is always a dog in my dreams and he's going to kill me. There is always a lot of blood in my dreams as well.
The big, silver bus pulls up and I pick up my bag to get on. Henry comes sprinting across the street to get on.
I sit at the front. No one can hurt you if you sit here. They pinch and call you names up the back. And the older boys ask you to do sex stuff with them – I didn't know this until Kelly explained it to me. After that, I sat up the front.
Zack's left me by myself. I knew he would, but I really wish he hadn't. Cause I don't hate him, I love him. He's my Big Brother. Maybe I don't need him while I'm here. Because Sarah and Tom don't hit me; Henry does sometimes and then Sarah yells at him like Lydecker used to yell at Zane.
The bus pulls us at my school and I am the first one off. I do not make friends easily and have none here. I am known as the teacher's pet because I have never once forgotten to
complete my homework. I walk across the lawn, trying not to look at anyone as I cross the grounds to my classroom. I'm still in the sixth grade. Maybe I'll be able to move up to the seventh grade after Christmas. I don't know why I was made to stay back but I don't ask questions about that sort of thing.
My classroom is very colourful and it's sort of smothering. I want to be in the high school now, where I can escape from the classroom to the library. My head aches as I sit at my desk, over near the window and pull out my book. I drift when I read. I have too many thoughts to exist, just me and the pages and words. Stories are always resolved somehow. I'm never resolved.
The bell rings and the thin layer of drifting I've managed to achieve shatters. I feel very real as everyone else races to their desks. I jam my book into my bag and I listen to the teacher.
Why am I here? What is the point? I just want to be dead when I'm older. I want to be free; I want to be crystallized. A statue of something beautiful – I want to be ice. I haven't felt like an icicle in so long. Feeling it now makes me feel new again
The icicle feeling helps me work through the morning – mathematics and history. I can focus on my work and feel untouchable. None of the snide remarks whispered at me can hurt me or touch me. I do my work and daydream and go to the library at recess. I just sit there, looking at all the books around me.
I look up maps of America, and I can trace where I've been since Manticore. A long way. I wonder where Zack is now. I wonder if he's been to every American capitol city. It would be wonderful. Like, it would be real true freedom. Like a dream or something.
I go back to class and then out to lunch, then more class and finally I am free to go home. I always walk home because I hate the bus. It makes me feel sick to my stomach. And today I'll be at home by myself – Henry has soccer training and Sarah and Tom work till six thirty. I'll be alone in the house until dinnertime.
I take a short cut through the sports oval and I see boys playing baseball. One breaks away to grab the ball that rolls towards me. He has brown hair and green eyes and he smiles at me, like no one has ever smiled at me before.
I smile tentatively back. "Hi."
"Hey." He's grinning quite broadly at me. He is very. . .nice to look at. But his friends are yelling for him to bring the ball back. I give him another smile and keep walking – the sun is quite hot and I want to get home where I'm going to drink orange juice; my greatest joy is orange juice. Like drinking sunlight or something. Even now, the colour of it can hold my gaze for hours.
Home is nice and cool and refreshing. I go straight to my room and I change into shorts and a loose tank top. I walk down stairs and to the kitchen and walk on the cool white kitchen tiles. I just want to sit on them – cool and white and perfect. I just slide down the wall, on to the floor and tears began sliding down my cheeks. Not a sound from me, just tears on my face. I hate being so very alone. I want to be with my Eva. I haven't thought about Eva in so long, she probably hates me. The Blue Lady is nothing to me anymore. No, she is comfort when I am afraid. But I'm not afraid, so I don't have to reach for her skirts now.
Somebody is on the stairs. I sit up straighter and watch the door. Zack's frame is there – he must be at least seventeen now, and looks older and scarier.
"Zack," is all I can say, watching him carefully. He really doesn't care about me, I know that. I'm nothing more than a kid sister, a nuisance. Leave me, Zack. Go find Jondy or Syl and look after them.
"Lexy," he says, in this voice that makes me want to start bawling like a baby. But I stay on the tiles, looking at him. "I thought you'd be okay here."
"And I am okay, Zack," I reply dutifully. He wants me to say that so he won't feel guilty, I know that.
"Stand up and calm down," Zack orders. I do as he says, wiping my eyes on the edge of my top.
"Would you like something to eat or drink?" I ask, opening the enormous fridge Sarah and Tom own.
"Yes please," Zack says. I am silent as I make salad sandwiches and pour two glasses of orange juice.
We sit at the table, opposite each other and I nibble on a corner of a sandwich.
"Tell me about your friends, Lexy," Zack asks gruffly.
"I don't have any friends," I reply, gazing at my plate. "No emotional ties or the mission is compromised."
Zack looks at me with something akin to shock on his face. Why is this so surprising? I am a good soldier Zack that's what you wanted. Or maybe you don't want me at all.
"Lexy, making some acquaintances at school might make you settle a bit more," Zack suggested. "You haven't settled as well as the others."
I look out the window. "I'm sorry – I tried."
"Keep trying, Lexy." He doesn't sound mean, just tired but kind.
I look at him. "How are the others?"
"They're good. Brin is studying at college and Tawny is working at a garage."
"They sound happy."
"They are. But are you?"
I shrug. "I'm alone, Zack. People who are alone are never happy."
"Maybe," Zack stood up, "Maybe you're sick, Lexy. I read about this thing in some of Brin's psych books – you have early signs of adolescent depression, Lexy."
"Well, maybe you should stop reading Brin's stupid books," I retorted. Silence. "What if I do have this adolescent depression thing, what can I do about it? Does it make you sad all the time?"
"Well, you need to talk to someone – a doctor," Zack seemed to be talking to himself more than he was talking to me.
"Well, I cannot do that," I said, getting angry. Wow, it actually felt good. I haven't been properly angry since Eva died. "Yes, tell an Ordinary about Manticore. I can see how Lydecker would never ever track me down if I did *that*."
"Brin will graduate in four years," Zack looked at me. "It's the best I can do for you, Lexy."
"Four years? That's forever," I looked outside.
"I've got to go, Lex," Zack sighed. "I only came to check on you. It'll get better soon, Baby Sister."
"Yeah, yeah," I said sourly. "See ya."
"Bye, Lex." Zack's hand rested on my shoulder for a moment and then he is gone. I am always alone. I know that. Why though? This is so unfair. I don't want to be a sad person anymore. I'm not going to be Lexy-who-is-Alecia anymore. I'm going to be Alecia. I'm going to try and talk to some people at school and be someone. No more sad girl.
And I can do that. But I still go upstairs and do my homework because homework makes me feel better about myself – smooth, blank pages of paper, the questions and my pen. It just makes me feel good.
I am Alecia at dinner. I take about books and my schoolwork and I can eat dinner. Sarah and Tom are happy because I am happy – and after dinner, Henry and I play a little bit of basketball. It makes me feel okay. But I kinda of feel numb. Which might be okay soon.
I lie awake that night, wrapped in my pink quilt, cuddling one of the multiple teddy bears I've been given by Sarah. I've named this bear, a white and black one, Cody. Because he's black and white like a barcode.
Cody, can you hear me? Where am I safe? Am I ever going to be safe? Am I Nomalie? Nomalies are scary. I remember when I saw a Nomalie in the basement – it had a muzzle on and Tawny stood in front of me so it couldn't get me. I sometimes think it did get my mind, Cody.
I feel sick in my stomach and I go to the bathroom to get a glass of water. I look in the mirror. I am so ugly. I want to die and not feel like this. Be alone, be peaceful and be an icicle.
I fill my cup up with water from the taps. Sarah and Tom's bathroom is light pink and white. I can't go into red and blue bathrooms. Glen is still in my nightmares. I wonder if Zack killed him. I wonder how little Maddy is.
Tom's razor is resting on the edge of the bath and I pick it up. Black and silver, it almost reminds me of my favourite gun back at Manticore. It hung between Tawny's and Chi's and I was always the slowest to clean my guns. No, the slowest was Jace. She was so funny. So were Zane and Mish; they were always in trouble.
I run the razor down my right arms, to see if it cuts away the tiny light coloured hairs there.
Worse. I press it too hard to my arm and it takes away flesh, a hunk about an inch high and wide. I drop the razor, hissing with pain and clamp my left hand over my arm.
I see blood oozing between my fingers and lift my hand off. There is a lot of blood. As I look at the blood winding its way down my arm in a steady flow, I am reminded of Eva. I wish it were me, instead of you, Eva.
Maybe if Ben and I hadn't been silly in the shower block, we would've made it back early and that would've given us time to hide our Maxie.
I know I must clean up the blood that has dripped onto the bathroom floor, and fix up my arm. And throw away this nightdress.
I switch off the bathroom light – Sarah will check on me if I am too long. Then I found the gauze, a long bandage and some medical tape. I hurry back to my room, where I change my nightdress and throw the white nightdress in my rubbish bin. I'll have to disarm the fire alarm in my room tomorrow and burn it. I wrap my arm and crawl into bed. I am suddenly very tired and need to rest. . .
I am shaken awake by Sarah, who was still in her dressing gown – I can tell by the sun it is still early. "Alecia, I saw the bathroom. Are you okay? Do you feel sick?"
I am still a bit asleep but I nod. I don't want to be Alecia. I want to be Lexy. I want to be hugged and babied.
"Okay honey, you stay here in bed. Did you find what you need okay?"
I am still confused but I agree with Sarah. She strokes my hair and says I can stay home from school today. She leaves me in bed, still dozing. Tom is outside my door and I half-hear their conversation. Period? What? Now I really am confused, but something at the back of my mind makes me realize I have done the right thing by agreeing with Sarah.
I lie back, my bandaged arm around Cody. I am very tired and I let myself sleep. I always feel sick, so maybe I won't have to go to school anymore. That wouldn't be so bad.
I sleep until at least noon and then Sarah brings the TV into my bedroom, but also warns me that tomorrow I will have to go to school. I want to cry but tired soldiers don't cry.
TV only holds so much entertainment for me and soon I am dozing off again. Zack, what's a period? Cody, do you know? Do X5s even get them? Is it like Jill at school who has asthma? I shall have to learn about It so I can pretend I have It for Sarah.
Sun shines in my face and my alarm goes off. What? I jerk awake. I just fell asleep. I clutch Cody to me, bewildered. I think Eva was here with me. Maybe I was dreaming about her.
"Alecia, time to get ready for school!" Sarah calls. I am shocked. I have slept from 2 p.m. until 7 a.m. Wow. I've never slept that long before. And I am starving.
I dress quickly, wearing a sweatshirt over my dress so Sarah and Tom do not see my arm. I will have to go to school. Will I be Lexy-who-is-Alecia or Alecia today? My mind feels tired and I do not think that I can be Alecia today, but I will certainly try. I sit at the table and begin to eat the bowl of cereal very slowly. I think I make conversation but I'm not really sure – it's like I'm watching this whole scene rather than being apart of it. Sarah fussing around the kitchen, making me sandwiches, wearing her yellow flannel dressing gown, Tom at the kitchen table, reading the daily paper and drinking hiss second cup of coffee. And Henry, focused on his hand held video game, instead of his breakfast.
I take another mouthful of the cereal – it's sloppy, like wet cardboard. It's some sort of healthy bran stuff. The milk is watery, probably skim. What's the point of eating if I can't enjoy it?
I lick my spoon and put it beside my bowl. Five seconds, four, three, two and one…
"Henry, Alecia, time to go to the bus stop," Tom said, turning the page of his newspaper, as the eight o clock news came over the radio. Like clockwork. Like the bombs Tawny and I used to make. . .
And, like usual, I push my half-empty glass of milk across the table. Yuck. I hate milk and this is like the first morning ever that I won't drink it. Be Alecia, Lexy, please be Alecia.
"Bye. I'll see you this afternoon," I say hurriedly, grabbing my bag from the floor and jamming the paper bag with my sandwiches in it. I move quickly, grabbing my shoes and racing out the door, just as Sarah calls out.
"Alecia, come and drink your milk!"
And my reply flies back on the wind. "Noooooo!" I pause at the bus stop, ignoring Kelly and Mark, and pull on my shoes. I realize I have to go to school suddenly and it's like someone has thrown some cold water in my face. I really don't want to but I had yesterday off and I never miss school days.
I look at Kelly, her face a bland-ish colour from her cheap foundation and her eyelashes sticking together from the mascara. And Mark, with a cigarette in one hand and his drab clothes. Huh. I never noticed that Mark smoked before.
I turn on my heal and walk towards the park. I can't bring myself to skip school but I can walk there. Not a very long walk, but pleasant. No stench of cigarettes, cheap imitation perfume and the sugary sweet smell of flavoured lip-gloss. I can cut across the sports oval again.
A light breeze strikes up as I walk across the oval, headed towards my school. There are three schools around the oval. All looked like miniature, old-fashioned prisons.
"Hey!" A boy's voice calls out. Damn, I was hoping no other kids took this way to school. I liked it. Full of peace and… "Hey!"
Someone grabbed me from behind. "Hey!"
I whipped around, slightly freaked out by being grabbed by a complete stranger. I could feel my pulse racing.
He was a little taller than I was, with brown hair and green eyes and a tan. It was the boy from the ball game yesterday. He was grinning at me. I felt like running away from him as fast as possible.
"I'm Joel," he said.
"Um, hi," I said nervously. "I'm Le-Alecia. Alecia Marsden."
"Wow. That's a really…well-balance name," Joel smiled. "Um, I thought the other day that you were really…great and I was wondering if you wanted to come and get some pizza with me this afternoon at the mall with some of my friends."
Balanced? I'm not balanced, Joel. I am a psycho, a monster, a freak of nature. I'm so ugly and messed up. I'm a Nomalie, Joel. Don't you see that?
"I haven't got…any money," I said, sticking my hand in my dress pocket. I know I had two dollars but I couldn't spend it on pizza. I mean, I didn't want to.
Joel looks uneasy for a moment. "Uh, my treat. So, where will you meet me?"
I looked at my sneakers. He should be asking out some girl with blonde hair and blue eyes and a tiny dress. Not frumpy, old, freakish little me.
"How about here?" I said softly.
Joel grins and nods. "Excellent. Okay, I'll see you here at 3:30, Alice. Later."
I blink a bit and then turned around and kept walking towards my jail-school.
It is a long day and I feel like I'm sucked into a daze, like the whole day is a movie I'm watching on fast forward. I meet Joel on the oval, my backpack heavy with book.
"Alice – mind if I call you Ally? – We'd better get a move on," Joel leads me towards the main street. I nod dumbly and allow myself to be lead towards this pizza place. I've drunk so much water before coming over, I'm not really hungry.
The pizza place is dimly lit and playing old Pre-Pulse 80s music. The entire place smelt of garlic and smoke. I cough discreetly and Joel points to the booth we are meant to go over to…and I want to run so fast, away from this.
Two girls – one of them is Kelly from the bus stop, and another is a Gothic girl named Jill – and two guys, one I've never met and Mark from the bus stop.
"Alecia!" Kelly gasped, stabbing out her cigarette with a claw-like hand painted with bright pink nail polish. "You're Joel 's new girl? You must have superpowers or something we don't know about!"
I nod dumbly. "Yeah, or something."
Jill wordlessly offers me a cigarette, which I ignore as I slide into the booth. A waiter brings a pizza over to us, while Joel talks with his 'friends'. I am not apart of this world. They laugh about stuff containing death, make horrible jokes and tell each other about all the alcohol they consumed at a party. How would they know that when I was left in the freezing cold of a Wyoming Winter, my only authority figure left me with a flask of black coffee spiked with whiskey, to keep me warm, Jack shaking by my side and Jace counting down the minutes until we were allowed to return from the training exercise. . .
I am so cold.