AN: New chapter, go me! For those of you who are waiting for Tawny to come into it,
I think next chapter he will become a big part of this fic. So, yes, Tawny next
chapter. I hope you enjoy this chapter; please review and let me know people are
still reading this :)
---
Winter. There is snow everywhere. I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen (the floors are heated at the Marsdens') and read my book. Today is a good day. Winter is good, in fact. I feel like I can see the end of it all – I don't know what 'It' is. It's like I'm in a hallway or something, and I can see the door out of here at the end.
"Alecia, Joel's on the phone," Sarah smiles at me, the phone in her hand. She thinks Joel and I are just the cutest.
I don't know why. It's bad, hanging out with Joel. I don't feel safe in my own skin when I'm with him. I'm not Alecia or Lex. I'm 'Ally'. I have to look like Joel's girlfriend. I wasn't good enough for him, before. 'Ally' has to wear tighter jeans and smaller tops and high heeled sandals with tiny skirts. . . I hate those skirts and those tops, they make my chest and butt stick out even more. One day Zack is going to know that I'm a Nomalie.
I take the phone from Sarah, my eyes not glancing up from my book.
"Hello?" I ask softly, wanting to focus fully on my book. I knew what would come next.
"Ally, great! The others and I are meeting in the city and I want you to come," Joel's voice is casual enough to make his demand seem more like a request.
"I don't know…" I say slowly, turning a page in my book.
"Ally," Joel commands. "Come one; what else are you going to do? Sit at home and read? You've got to come down here; you're my girlfriend. I love you and I want you and I to do this together."
I sigh; an inaudible sigh Joel wouldn't pick up over the phone. "Okay. I'll get down there as soon as I can," I say.
"Excellent. Love ya, Ally." He hangs up and I stand up, closing my book regretfully. Sarah is hurrying around, preparing dinner.
"Sarah, I'm going to meet Joel," I say quietly, wishing I could go somewhere and just read.
"Oh, really?" Sarah beams at me. "Wonderful, Ally! Take my cell phone and I'll pick you up when you want to come home, okay?"
I nod, going upstairs to get changed. I'm wearing jeans and a sweater; Joel will get mad if I don't wear something tiny. I don't understand why he likes my clothes so tiny. Wouldn't he rather I be comfortable?
I struggle into a tiny little skirt, stockings and these weird shoes that Zack would hate; I can hardly walk in them, let alone fight in them.
I left my long hair loose and grabbed a coat. I have a pocket knife in my skirt; I watch my own back, especially when Joel smokes and shoots up and stuff. It means I gotta watch his back too.
"Bye Sarah!" I called out half heartedly, leaving the house. The cold air hits my stocking-clad legs. I'm sorry, what idiot created stockings? Pointless pieces of fabric, that never keep the cold out in winter, and are itchy and sticky in summer.
I know where Joel and his friends will be; in the alley behind this foul night club, 911. Drugs, prostitution, bribes, scrams, murders… 911 is the underworld of this fair city.
I'm right. They are leaning against the walls of the building, cigarettes in hand and bottles of whiskey are being passed around.
"Ally," Joel grins at me, his arm slinging around my shoulders. "Bout time. Thought you'd stood me up." He kisses me roughly on the cheek, his hand pressing against my breasts. I'm not even thirteen yet and this is how I spend my time. I know from the magazines Sarah buys me, that this is A Bad Thing to do.
"Ally, drink this. You need to loosen up, babe," Joel says, holding a bottle to my lips. For the briefest second, everything is clear. I take the bottle from him, drinking huge mouthfuls. His friends gape at me, like I'm something new and incredible. I can drink. I can binge drink, entire bottles of tequila and bourbon, and not feel any headaches for hours. Yes, I tried it once. Tried to drown in alcohol.
I want to throw the whiskey bottle at the wall, knowing I can drink it all and not feel any change in myself.
"Whoa, calm down Ally," Joel strokes my hair half-heartedly. "That's not cool."
I close my eyes, wanting to shove him away, wanting to curl up and scream for help, for Zack, for Tawny.
"I want to go," I say clearly. "Go home."
Joel frowns, but nods. "I'll walk you."
He takes one of the whiskey bottles with him, slipping it into his jacket pocket, leading me into the street, up the road to my home. I want to curl up and go to sleep … my DNA must tell me to hibernate in the cold weather.
"Ally, are you okay?" Joel's concern makes me feel happier. Someone cares about me.
"I… I need to tell you something," I said, my heart beating faster. I had to tell Joel all of it. "You love me, right?"
"Of course I do, babe," Joel said. "What's up?"
I closed my eyes. "I …" Something inside me froze but I pushed on. "I've… I wasn't…. I was born in a military facility training children to be killers." I held my breath, opening my eyes.
His eyes weren't that gorgeous yellow colour that still burned in my memory. They were green and I felt my heart break. It didn't matter if I told the truth or not; he was Joel. He wasn't Tawny.
"What the…? Alecia, I think maybe you need to stop drinking," Joel said uneasily.
I bit my lip and pasted a fake smile on my face. "I'm joking, you weirdo!" I giggled, wishing Zack would appear and take me to Colorado or Miami.
"Yeah… funny. I'm serious, Alecia. I don't think you should be a drinker. You're not good at it," Joel said, stepping backwards from me. "See you around."
I frowned. "You're not my boyfriend any more are you?" I called after him, tense.
"No. Have a nice life," was his yelled reply. He didn't even turn around.
I must've stood there for hours. It felt like nothing. But when I did come back to life, Sarah was standing in front of me, the sky was dark and it was lightly snowing.
"Ally, Alecia, what happened?" she asked urgently, hugging me to her.
"N-othing," I whispered, realising how cold my legs were. "Joel broke up with me." I had heard this statement so many times on television and I never realised that it didn't feel right to say.
"Oh, sweetie," Sarah pulled away. "Lets go home, okay? You can have a hot shower. I didn't think Joel was good for you anyway. I can smell whiskey all over you, honey. You're too young to be drinking."
I nod obediently, and follow her to the car. We go home.
I want Zack. I want Zack to tell me it's okay and that I'm not going to die just a little girl. I want my Tawny back, I want to stop feeling tense all the time, to stop lying awake, waiting for something to happen.
I go up to my room, changing into my pyjamas, hugging Cody to me tightly. I almost told. I'm a security risk. I'm so frightened of everything. What if Joel tells? Lydecker will find me and stick me in a cage, and kill me very slowly and then I'll have a gravestone with my barcode on it rather than my name.
I wonder if Lydecker knew my name. He knew Max's and Jondy's and Zack's. And Syl's. Syl spent so much time in Psy Ops. I shiver, wrapped in a blanket. I wonder how I can find Zack. I wonder where he is. I wonder if he's cold.
I wonder what he'll do to me if he finds out I almost told.
I curl up on my bed, with Cody, and try to sleep. So cold.
I am jerked awake, and a hand goes over my mouth. Zack.
"Lydecker has found you," he whispers. "We need to go now, Lexy."
I nod, standing up. He has my lamp on and my bag on the end of my bed. I go to the wardrobe, cramming my clothes in - jeans, sneakers, sweatshirts. All good fighting clothes. I pull a jacket on over my pyjamas, and some gloves. I ask Zack to go downstairs and get my boots from the kitchen. He glares at me, and while he is downstairs, getting my boots and some food, no doubt, I cram Cody into my bag.
Zack hands me a scarf and my boots, and we climb out the window, to the red jeep waiting outside the house. I shivered a little; my pyjamas were nothing but cotton and we were in the middle of a snow storm.
Zack motioned that I should climb into the backseat, and with some confusion, I did. Where was he taking me? Back to Social Services? I shuddered slightly. I hated Social Services, the hard plastic chairs and the long hours of people watching me but not talking to me or coming near me. It made me feel like I was in a glass box and I was never going to be let out. Just something to be watched and watched and … like the rats they experimented on at Manticore. Ben got put in solitary when he pulled one of a cage once.
I hugged my body, chilled and feeling so alone, cold-alone. Why doesn't anyone want me to be with them? Why can't I be with Tawny? As Zack pulls away from the curb, I look back at Sarah and Tom's home and want to go back and tell them I'm sorry, I'm so, so sorry and I didn't mean to do this, have to run away from them. I sort of liked them, I suppose, but I can't stay anywhere.
"Where are you taking me?" I ask in a high pitched voice.
Zack looks at me via the rear view mirror. "You make it sound like I'm kidnapping you, Lex."
I hunch over. What the hell. "Zack, can I please see Tawny?" I ask quietly. "Please, Zack."
Zack refocuses his gaze on the road and there's silence. God, why don't I just know to be quiet? I shouldn't have mentioned Tawny. I'm an idiot. I'll always be an idiot.
"I'm taking you to Boston," Zack said finally. "There's a sort of hostel for girls like you; you go to school, maybe get a job and generally keep out of trouble."
"Girls like me?" My voice wobbles.
"Girls without any family," Zack replies.
"Oh," I lean back, closing my eyes. Zack's right; I am an orphan. I have no one in this world who gives a damn about me.
Except Lydecker, but that's a completely different situation.
I am completely alone.
"How did Lydecker find me?" I ask, closing my eyes.
"Bad luck," Zack says, after a short pause.
"You don't believe in luck," I shot back. "Everything depends on a well thought out plan."
Zack looks at me through the rear view mirror… is he smirking at me? No, just lack of sleep, Lexy. You're imaging things.
"Well, as far as I can tell, Lydecker randomly picked a city in America to look for an X5 and you were that X5, Lexy. So maybe there is such thing as bad luck," he started.
"But there's no such thing as good luck," I said sadly.
Zack shook his head. "Maybe not for me, Lex. And maybe you haven't had any good luck yet."
"Who are you and what have you done with Zack?" I asked, managing a small smile.
"Who are you and where's Lexy?" Zack asked, perfectly serious.
I shrugged uncomfortably. "Probably having the time of her life."
"I hope so," Zack said. "Lex, you should probably get some sleep. I'll wake you up when we stop."
"Thank you Zack," I whispered, as I curled up in a ball.
The ride was a long one. It took us two days. We stopped, we slept, we ate. We didn't talk much, because I don't want to talk. He's leaving me alone again and I hate feeling alone. I feel cold, like the night of the escape, I was clinging to Tawny's hand and then we got split up.
Or the time we were training in the forest in groups of three and a blizzard hit. Just me, Syl and Brin, all alone. No one knew where we were. Cold and alone for 47 hours. Then Brin and I got three days in solitary isolation because we didn't even try to get back to Manticore. I remember the cold. The bone chilling, unforgettable cold. Like, the cold of the night they took Jack away. It's a different cold then anything else I've ever felt. Cold like death, cold like something's not meant to be like.
"How are the others?" I asked one morning. We were only an hour from this hostel place now, and I thought I better talk to Zack. He's about to leave me again.
"Tinga's…" Zack began and looked at me. "Tinga hasn't adjusted well, so far. High school was too … Tinga's spending the winter with Brin."
"I thought Brin didn't graduate for four years?" I asked coldly.
"She doesn't," Zack replied calmly. "But while I believe you can survive without Brin's help, I know Tinga can't. Brin thinks Tinga's got something called anorexia nervosa. I don't know much about it."
"You'll make sure Tinga lives, right?" I asked, looking at him.
"Lexy," Zack said softly, "if Tinga doesn't want to live in this world, I can't help her. But I care about Tinga and I'll help her in anyway I can."
I nod slowly and reach for my bag, fumbling around in it, for a scrap of paper and a pen. I scribble a short message on it, the ink in the pen leaking all over my hands. "You'll give her this for me, next time you see her, right?" I asked, trying to sound brave. I've seen girls with anorexia. So tiny, they look like they can't walk without breaking their legs. They make me feel sick for their families … watching someone they love die because of food. I don't want Tinga; Tinga who made sure we weren't too scared when we were babies and always covered up our flaws when Lydecker did an inspection.
Zack takes the piece of paper and reads it briefly. "I can't let you give away you're location to her," Zack says at my questioning glance.
"Syl and Krit?" I asked.
"Yes. And I haven't managed to split them up since. Who ever invented text messages should be shot," Zack growled. "And I will give it to Tinga, Lex, I promise."
"Good," I replied. "So, who are you going to see next?"
Zack was silent.
"Zack, I asked you…"
"I know Lexy. I heard you."
I blinked, confused an then it all dawned on me. "You're going to see Tawny, aren't you?" I squealed, a grin spreading across my face.
"No comment," Zack replied, looking tense.
"No comment means yes," I said, almost bouncing in my seat. "Tawny!"
"No comment means I am neither agreeing nor denying," Zack retorted. "Sit still."
I froze in my seat. "Are you?" I asked, staring straight ahead, watching the Boston rain and sleet.
"Yes. After I drop you off, Lexy, I will be checking on Tawny," Zack replied very formally.
Silence, I twisted my fingers around my shirt and gave Zack a pleading look.
"Don't even ask, Lexy. You'll be going to the hostel," Zack said, without taking his eyes off the road.
"I really miss him, Zack," I whispered, horrified to realise that tears were running down my face. "I feel cold without him."
"I miss Max," Zack replied. "And Jondy. And Eva. But I can't bow to my weaknesses, Lex. You need to be strong."
"I can't," I'm full out crying now. "I want Tawny back."
Zack's slowing down now, pulling up outside a bland brick building with some sort of sign out the front, but the tears are blurring my eyes. "Lexy, look at me. You are a soldier. Do not kid yourself for a second you are anything less than that," he told me, looking angry.
"I'm not a soldier!" I hissed. "I'm just a little girl!"
Zack shook his head. "Lexy, a little girl was raped and killed in Manhattan last night. She couldn't defend herself. You'd never let something go so far you'd end up dead. I know you too well."
"How do you know, Zack?" I yelled, kicking the dashboard. "How do you know one day everything will just shatter and I'll be the dead, abused girl in the newspaper?"
"Lexy, calm down," Zack ordered me. "Tawny isn't the same person he was at Manticore. You aren't the same person you were at Manticore. Everything is different out here, always changing. You need to stop dwelling on some fanciful memory you have of Tawny and hope to god that maybe, one day, you will see him again and that you will be able to accept him as the person he has become.
"And," Zack's voice lowered. "I know you Lexy. I know that somehow, you'll be okay. The same with Syl. And Ben. In the end, it'll all come good and I won't have to worry… unless Syl finds another stick of TNT."
I shook my head. "You don't know how it feels to know that you're never going to see the people you love ever again. They could die or just vanish and you'll never ever know if they were happy, if they had someone that they loved… if they missed you in their lives…"
The tears are rolling down my tears and I can't stop them.
Zack reached out and touched my hair. "I do, Lexy, and I wish I could take you to Tawny. But it's a security risk."
I nod, wiping my eyes on my shirt.
"It'll be okay, Lexy, I promise," Zack says, and something about the way he tells me makes me believe him. "You'll like Boston. It'll be safe and you'll be happy."
"I don't know how to be happy," I mumble as he hands me an envelope.
"Tell them inside that you're Laura. Laura Harris," Zack tells me. "They'll have organized everything for you."
I nod and hoist my bag onto my shoulder, stuffing the envelope into my pocket. I feel empty, like I've lost something of myself. I want to curl up and scream really, really loudly and make my life stop so I can go back and fix the bad things and not feel this way. So cold. I look over my shoulder as Zack drives away, leaving me in a city of too many people, too many places, too many hurts. I feel like somebody is about to leap out from somewhere and start yelling I'm an impostor, I'm a monster, I'm a freak. I'm not apart of this world, I should be in a cage.
I push open the door of the hostel and I walk inside. I walk inside and pray so, so hard that nothing will get me. Nothing will get Tinga either.
---
I'll post the new chapter as fast as I can. I hope you enjoyed this chapter and any constructive critism would be adored and loved.
I think next chapter he will become a big part of this fic. So, yes, Tawny next
chapter. I hope you enjoy this chapter; please review and let me know people are
still reading this :)
---
Winter. There is snow everywhere. I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen (the floors are heated at the Marsdens') and read my book. Today is a good day. Winter is good, in fact. I feel like I can see the end of it all – I don't know what 'It' is. It's like I'm in a hallway or something, and I can see the door out of here at the end.
"Alecia, Joel's on the phone," Sarah smiles at me, the phone in her hand. She thinks Joel and I are just the cutest.
I don't know why. It's bad, hanging out with Joel. I don't feel safe in my own skin when I'm with him. I'm not Alecia or Lex. I'm 'Ally'. I have to look like Joel's girlfriend. I wasn't good enough for him, before. 'Ally' has to wear tighter jeans and smaller tops and high heeled sandals with tiny skirts. . . I hate those skirts and those tops, they make my chest and butt stick out even more. One day Zack is going to know that I'm a Nomalie.
I take the phone from Sarah, my eyes not glancing up from my book.
"Hello?" I ask softly, wanting to focus fully on my book. I knew what would come next.
"Ally, great! The others and I are meeting in the city and I want you to come," Joel's voice is casual enough to make his demand seem more like a request.
"I don't know…" I say slowly, turning a page in my book.
"Ally," Joel commands. "Come one; what else are you going to do? Sit at home and read? You've got to come down here; you're my girlfriend. I love you and I want you and I to do this together."
I sigh; an inaudible sigh Joel wouldn't pick up over the phone. "Okay. I'll get down there as soon as I can," I say.
"Excellent. Love ya, Ally." He hangs up and I stand up, closing my book regretfully. Sarah is hurrying around, preparing dinner.
"Sarah, I'm going to meet Joel," I say quietly, wishing I could go somewhere and just read.
"Oh, really?" Sarah beams at me. "Wonderful, Ally! Take my cell phone and I'll pick you up when you want to come home, okay?"
I nod, going upstairs to get changed. I'm wearing jeans and a sweater; Joel will get mad if I don't wear something tiny. I don't understand why he likes my clothes so tiny. Wouldn't he rather I be comfortable?
I struggle into a tiny little skirt, stockings and these weird shoes that Zack would hate; I can hardly walk in them, let alone fight in them.
I left my long hair loose and grabbed a coat. I have a pocket knife in my skirt; I watch my own back, especially when Joel smokes and shoots up and stuff. It means I gotta watch his back too.
"Bye Sarah!" I called out half heartedly, leaving the house. The cold air hits my stocking-clad legs. I'm sorry, what idiot created stockings? Pointless pieces of fabric, that never keep the cold out in winter, and are itchy and sticky in summer.
I know where Joel and his friends will be; in the alley behind this foul night club, 911. Drugs, prostitution, bribes, scrams, murders… 911 is the underworld of this fair city.
I'm right. They are leaning against the walls of the building, cigarettes in hand and bottles of whiskey are being passed around.
"Ally," Joel grins at me, his arm slinging around my shoulders. "Bout time. Thought you'd stood me up." He kisses me roughly on the cheek, his hand pressing against my breasts. I'm not even thirteen yet and this is how I spend my time. I know from the magazines Sarah buys me, that this is A Bad Thing to do.
"Ally, drink this. You need to loosen up, babe," Joel says, holding a bottle to my lips. For the briefest second, everything is clear. I take the bottle from him, drinking huge mouthfuls. His friends gape at me, like I'm something new and incredible. I can drink. I can binge drink, entire bottles of tequila and bourbon, and not feel any headaches for hours. Yes, I tried it once. Tried to drown in alcohol.
I want to throw the whiskey bottle at the wall, knowing I can drink it all and not feel any change in myself.
"Whoa, calm down Ally," Joel strokes my hair half-heartedly. "That's not cool."
I close my eyes, wanting to shove him away, wanting to curl up and scream for help, for Zack, for Tawny.
"I want to go," I say clearly. "Go home."
Joel frowns, but nods. "I'll walk you."
He takes one of the whiskey bottles with him, slipping it into his jacket pocket, leading me into the street, up the road to my home. I want to curl up and go to sleep … my DNA must tell me to hibernate in the cold weather.
"Ally, are you okay?" Joel's concern makes me feel happier. Someone cares about me.
"I… I need to tell you something," I said, my heart beating faster. I had to tell Joel all of it. "You love me, right?"
"Of course I do, babe," Joel said. "What's up?"
I closed my eyes. "I …" Something inside me froze but I pushed on. "I've… I wasn't…. I was born in a military facility training children to be killers." I held my breath, opening my eyes.
His eyes weren't that gorgeous yellow colour that still burned in my memory. They were green and I felt my heart break. It didn't matter if I told the truth or not; he was Joel. He wasn't Tawny.
"What the…? Alecia, I think maybe you need to stop drinking," Joel said uneasily.
I bit my lip and pasted a fake smile on my face. "I'm joking, you weirdo!" I giggled, wishing Zack would appear and take me to Colorado or Miami.
"Yeah… funny. I'm serious, Alecia. I don't think you should be a drinker. You're not good at it," Joel said, stepping backwards from me. "See you around."
I frowned. "You're not my boyfriend any more are you?" I called after him, tense.
"No. Have a nice life," was his yelled reply. He didn't even turn around.
I must've stood there for hours. It felt like nothing. But when I did come back to life, Sarah was standing in front of me, the sky was dark and it was lightly snowing.
"Ally, Alecia, what happened?" she asked urgently, hugging me to her.
"N-othing," I whispered, realising how cold my legs were. "Joel broke up with me." I had heard this statement so many times on television and I never realised that it didn't feel right to say.
"Oh, sweetie," Sarah pulled away. "Lets go home, okay? You can have a hot shower. I didn't think Joel was good for you anyway. I can smell whiskey all over you, honey. You're too young to be drinking."
I nod obediently, and follow her to the car. We go home.
I want Zack. I want Zack to tell me it's okay and that I'm not going to die just a little girl. I want my Tawny back, I want to stop feeling tense all the time, to stop lying awake, waiting for something to happen.
I go up to my room, changing into my pyjamas, hugging Cody to me tightly. I almost told. I'm a security risk. I'm so frightened of everything. What if Joel tells? Lydecker will find me and stick me in a cage, and kill me very slowly and then I'll have a gravestone with my barcode on it rather than my name.
I wonder if Lydecker knew my name. He knew Max's and Jondy's and Zack's. And Syl's. Syl spent so much time in Psy Ops. I shiver, wrapped in a blanket. I wonder how I can find Zack. I wonder where he is. I wonder if he's cold.
I wonder what he'll do to me if he finds out I almost told.
I curl up on my bed, with Cody, and try to sleep. So cold.
I am jerked awake, and a hand goes over my mouth. Zack.
"Lydecker has found you," he whispers. "We need to go now, Lexy."
I nod, standing up. He has my lamp on and my bag on the end of my bed. I go to the wardrobe, cramming my clothes in - jeans, sneakers, sweatshirts. All good fighting clothes. I pull a jacket on over my pyjamas, and some gloves. I ask Zack to go downstairs and get my boots from the kitchen. He glares at me, and while he is downstairs, getting my boots and some food, no doubt, I cram Cody into my bag.
Zack hands me a scarf and my boots, and we climb out the window, to the red jeep waiting outside the house. I shivered a little; my pyjamas were nothing but cotton and we were in the middle of a snow storm.
Zack motioned that I should climb into the backseat, and with some confusion, I did. Where was he taking me? Back to Social Services? I shuddered slightly. I hated Social Services, the hard plastic chairs and the long hours of people watching me but not talking to me or coming near me. It made me feel like I was in a glass box and I was never going to be let out. Just something to be watched and watched and … like the rats they experimented on at Manticore. Ben got put in solitary when he pulled one of a cage once.
I hugged my body, chilled and feeling so alone, cold-alone. Why doesn't anyone want me to be with them? Why can't I be with Tawny? As Zack pulls away from the curb, I look back at Sarah and Tom's home and want to go back and tell them I'm sorry, I'm so, so sorry and I didn't mean to do this, have to run away from them. I sort of liked them, I suppose, but I can't stay anywhere.
"Where are you taking me?" I ask in a high pitched voice.
Zack looks at me via the rear view mirror. "You make it sound like I'm kidnapping you, Lex."
I hunch over. What the hell. "Zack, can I please see Tawny?" I ask quietly. "Please, Zack."
Zack refocuses his gaze on the road and there's silence. God, why don't I just know to be quiet? I shouldn't have mentioned Tawny. I'm an idiot. I'll always be an idiot.
"I'm taking you to Boston," Zack said finally. "There's a sort of hostel for girls like you; you go to school, maybe get a job and generally keep out of trouble."
"Girls like me?" My voice wobbles.
"Girls without any family," Zack replies.
"Oh," I lean back, closing my eyes. Zack's right; I am an orphan. I have no one in this world who gives a damn about me.
Except Lydecker, but that's a completely different situation.
I am completely alone.
"How did Lydecker find me?" I ask, closing my eyes.
"Bad luck," Zack says, after a short pause.
"You don't believe in luck," I shot back. "Everything depends on a well thought out plan."
Zack looks at me through the rear view mirror… is he smirking at me? No, just lack of sleep, Lexy. You're imaging things.
"Well, as far as I can tell, Lydecker randomly picked a city in America to look for an X5 and you were that X5, Lexy. So maybe there is such thing as bad luck," he started.
"But there's no such thing as good luck," I said sadly.
Zack shook his head. "Maybe not for me, Lex. And maybe you haven't had any good luck yet."
"Who are you and what have you done with Zack?" I asked, managing a small smile.
"Who are you and where's Lexy?" Zack asked, perfectly serious.
I shrugged uncomfortably. "Probably having the time of her life."
"I hope so," Zack said. "Lex, you should probably get some sleep. I'll wake you up when we stop."
"Thank you Zack," I whispered, as I curled up in a ball.
The ride was a long one. It took us two days. We stopped, we slept, we ate. We didn't talk much, because I don't want to talk. He's leaving me alone again and I hate feeling alone. I feel cold, like the night of the escape, I was clinging to Tawny's hand and then we got split up.
Or the time we were training in the forest in groups of three and a blizzard hit. Just me, Syl and Brin, all alone. No one knew where we were. Cold and alone for 47 hours. Then Brin and I got three days in solitary isolation because we didn't even try to get back to Manticore. I remember the cold. The bone chilling, unforgettable cold. Like, the cold of the night they took Jack away. It's a different cold then anything else I've ever felt. Cold like death, cold like something's not meant to be like.
"How are the others?" I asked one morning. We were only an hour from this hostel place now, and I thought I better talk to Zack. He's about to leave me again.
"Tinga's…" Zack began and looked at me. "Tinga hasn't adjusted well, so far. High school was too … Tinga's spending the winter with Brin."
"I thought Brin didn't graduate for four years?" I asked coldly.
"She doesn't," Zack replied calmly. "But while I believe you can survive without Brin's help, I know Tinga can't. Brin thinks Tinga's got something called anorexia nervosa. I don't know much about it."
"You'll make sure Tinga lives, right?" I asked, looking at him.
"Lexy," Zack said softly, "if Tinga doesn't want to live in this world, I can't help her. But I care about Tinga and I'll help her in anyway I can."
I nod slowly and reach for my bag, fumbling around in it, for a scrap of paper and a pen. I scribble a short message on it, the ink in the pen leaking all over my hands. "You'll give her this for me, next time you see her, right?" I asked, trying to sound brave. I've seen girls with anorexia. So tiny, they look like they can't walk without breaking their legs. They make me feel sick for their families … watching someone they love die because of food. I don't want Tinga; Tinga who made sure we weren't too scared when we were babies and always covered up our flaws when Lydecker did an inspection.
Zack takes the piece of paper and reads it briefly. "I can't let you give away you're location to her," Zack says at my questioning glance.
"Syl and Krit?" I asked.
"Yes. And I haven't managed to split them up since. Who ever invented text messages should be shot," Zack growled. "And I will give it to Tinga, Lex, I promise."
"Good," I replied. "So, who are you going to see next?"
Zack was silent.
"Zack, I asked you…"
"I know Lexy. I heard you."
I blinked, confused an then it all dawned on me. "You're going to see Tawny, aren't you?" I squealed, a grin spreading across my face.
"No comment," Zack replied, looking tense.
"No comment means yes," I said, almost bouncing in my seat. "Tawny!"
"No comment means I am neither agreeing nor denying," Zack retorted. "Sit still."
I froze in my seat. "Are you?" I asked, staring straight ahead, watching the Boston rain and sleet.
"Yes. After I drop you off, Lexy, I will be checking on Tawny," Zack replied very formally.
Silence, I twisted my fingers around my shirt and gave Zack a pleading look.
"Don't even ask, Lexy. You'll be going to the hostel," Zack said, without taking his eyes off the road.
"I really miss him, Zack," I whispered, horrified to realise that tears were running down my face. "I feel cold without him."
"I miss Max," Zack replied. "And Jondy. And Eva. But I can't bow to my weaknesses, Lex. You need to be strong."
"I can't," I'm full out crying now. "I want Tawny back."
Zack's slowing down now, pulling up outside a bland brick building with some sort of sign out the front, but the tears are blurring my eyes. "Lexy, look at me. You are a soldier. Do not kid yourself for a second you are anything less than that," he told me, looking angry.
"I'm not a soldier!" I hissed. "I'm just a little girl!"
Zack shook his head. "Lexy, a little girl was raped and killed in Manhattan last night. She couldn't defend herself. You'd never let something go so far you'd end up dead. I know you too well."
"How do you know, Zack?" I yelled, kicking the dashboard. "How do you know one day everything will just shatter and I'll be the dead, abused girl in the newspaper?"
"Lexy, calm down," Zack ordered me. "Tawny isn't the same person he was at Manticore. You aren't the same person you were at Manticore. Everything is different out here, always changing. You need to stop dwelling on some fanciful memory you have of Tawny and hope to god that maybe, one day, you will see him again and that you will be able to accept him as the person he has become.
"And," Zack's voice lowered. "I know you Lexy. I know that somehow, you'll be okay. The same with Syl. And Ben. In the end, it'll all come good and I won't have to worry… unless Syl finds another stick of TNT."
I shook my head. "You don't know how it feels to know that you're never going to see the people you love ever again. They could die or just vanish and you'll never ever know if they were happy, if they had someone that they loved… if they missed you in their lives…"
The tears are rolling down my tears and I can't stop them.
Zack reached out and touched my hair. "I do, Lexy, and I wish I could take you to Tawny. But it's a security risk."
I nod, wiping my eyes on my shirt.
"It'll be okay, Lexy, I promise," Zack says, and something about the way he tells me makes me believe him. "You'll like Boston. It'll be safe and you'll be happy."
"I don't know how to be happy," I mumble as he hands me an envelope.
"Tell them inside that you're Laura. Laura Harris," Zack tells me. "They'll have organized everything for you."
I nod and hoist my bag onto my shoulder, stuffing the envelope into my pocket. I feel empty, like I've lost something of myself. I want to curl up and scream really, really loudly and make my life stop so I can go back and fix the bad things and not feel this way. So cold. I look over my shoulder as Zack drives away, leaving me in a city of too many people, too many places, too many hurts. I feel like somebody is about to leap out from somewhere and start yelling I'm an impostor, I'm a monster, I'm a freak. I'm not apart of this world, I should be in a cage.
I push open the door of the hostel and I walk inside. I walk inside and pray so, so hard that nothing will get me. Nothing will get Tinga either.
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I'll post the new chapter as fast as I can. I hope you enjoyed this chapter and any constructive critism would be adored and loved.