Author's Notes: Whoot, another update. This fic is very much my baby - I developed most of the characters myself - so be very patient with updates for it, as I did rewrite this chapter from scratch three times. I've got big plans for this story, and I promise the next update will not take so long.

Thanks to ChocRocks, who reviewed and reminded me this was still worth reading. That totally made my day.

The rating has gone down from R to PG-13 because at the moment, this story has no content that could be rated R. When it gets darker, I'll put the rating back up.

Please review and let me know that you are reading this. I'll be handing this story in at the end of my school year (December), and I would really like a critique.

Tawny managed to get me to my feet; I was still shaking a little. My book bag had gotten lost between Jay's place and the bakery I had collapsed in front of. Tawny had slung his jacket around my shoulders as he led me somewhere. My head was pounding and my mouth felt dry. Everything felt like a dream; a hazy quality to it. I felt like lying against the pavement, my head pounding and my face hot.

Tawny managed to get me at least six blocks up the street, and dragged me into a dimly lit restaurant. I buried my face against him.

"Sit here, Lex," Tawny said, motioning to the chair. "I'll get you some tryptrophan." His hand lingered on my shoulder, searching my face for ... something. Tawny always did have a way of being able to read my mind just by looking at me with those eyes. I nodded slowly.

"Okay," I rested my head back, against the wall, and looked around the restaurant. Chinese, I could smell it; a stale scent that hung in the air – old oil and cigarette smoke that made me want to retch. I could hardly remember the last time I had eaten until I was full, but the smell was enough to take my appetite away forever.

The restaurant was small, with a cluster of sticky looking Formica tables and folding chairs. The walls were red and orange flower print, and the bald light bulbs hanging from the roof were covered with black beaded covers.

Two Chinese girls were sitting at the counter, a banged up till in front of them. They were twins, their black hair cut in the same severe style, and they wore the uniforms of a local Catholic school, paging though glossy fashion magazines.

It was like this a lot after the Pulse –it happened so gradually no one really noticed. The American government wanted more immigrants to work here, boost the economy up. And a lot of foreign people took up the offer – cheap citizenship in what was once the superpower. These people weren't afraid to work hard and earn everything they had. The few private schools that remained after the Pulse now had Japanese, Russian, Chinese, Indian and Spanish children filling the classrooms. American children receiving a privileged education was the minority.

I know what I looked like to these two girls – two girls who worked in a family restaurant and went to an upper class school, girls who could afford to order magazines from Canada and Europe, where they were still published. Two girls who had never spent a night on the street, had never picked up a gun; they had never feared for their lives.

To them, I was simply another one of the vast population known as 'white trash'. My hair was tangled around my face, and my clothes were not only worn out but covered in filth. My face was pale, dark smudges under my eyes and I was shaking a little. I could have been a prostitute, a drug addict, anything. It wasn't uncommon anymore. I was too young to ever remember the days when a girl my age on the streets would have been a tragedy, a cry for help.

Tawny returned then, with a bottle of tryptrophan and a glass of water, a concerned look on his face. Crouching beside me, he shook some of the pills out.

"Think you can manage some of these?" he asked with a half-hearted grin. I nodded slowly, my head pounding and took the pills from him, and he lifted the glass to my lips.

One of the twins got up and walked over, a dark look on her face. "Tony," she began, with only a hint of an accent, and began talking at him in rapid-fire Chinese that I couldn't make sense of. I had never learnt to speak Chinese or Japanese. I had learnt French back at Manticore, and Eva had coached me in a little Spanish. Whatever the girl was saying wasn't at all flattering.

"This is Alexis, Lina," Tawny said without looking at her. "She'll be staying with me for awhile. She can help out around here."

The girl – Lina – snapped at him, saying something that made Tawny turn around.

"She's an old friend, Lina. And Alexis isn't on drugs," he retorted. "Go and tell May Alexis will be staying for awhile, okay? I'm taking her upstairs."

Lina put her hands on her hips. "There is only one bed in your room," she said, quite clearly, hardly looking at me.

The other girl stood up and came over. "Tony's couch folds out into a sofa bed," she said calmly. "I'm sure it will be fine for her. Come on Lina."

And with a final glowering look in my direction, Lina and her sister left the room, the sister pausing only to lock the front door of the restaurant.

"Feel better?" Tawny turned back to me.

I nodded. My head had cleared almost instantaneously. "Who were they?" I asked, sitting up straighter.

"Li Na and Jia Li," Tawny replied. "Come on, you should lie down for awhile. Can't remember the last time anyone had a seizure that bad."

I nodded and follow him through the restaurant and up some badly carpeted stairs, to a landing. The building is at least four stories high, three above the restaurant area. All wallpapered in red and orange.

On the landing, Tawny pushes open a door, painted the same red as the wallpaper, almost invisible amongst the ugly wallpaper.

And it's a small apartment. A grey kitchenette, a large room and a smaller room leading off it. The larger room was once painted blue and white, but has faded to a shade of grey, years of wear and grime.

There is a Formica table, just like the ones downstairs but much cleaner looking. Three mismatched chairs are crowded around it. A television is balanced upon a milk crate, next to the door to the other room. A beat up grey couch is pushed against a wall. The windows have rice paper stuck over them, in place of curtains or blinds.

"After all the red, I was ready to gouge my eyes out," Tawny said dryly. "May likes to redecorate a lot, and I usually claim her discarded furniture. When I moved in, the whole place was done in white, blue and grey."

"The red is too much," I said, pushing my hair out of my face. "Definitely an improvement over the barracks."

Tawny snorted. "A cardboard box under the Brooklyn Bridge is an improvement over the barracks. Come on."

He motioned for me to go into the other room – the bedroom. Being alone with anyone in a bedroom made me uncomfortable. But this was the first time I wasn't. Tawny had always made me feel safe before, and this just reminded me how much I had missed him.

"You need to lie down," Tawny half ordered. "Sleep that seizure off. I'll bring you something to eat up."

Without resistance, I curled up on the bed, kicking my sneakers off. I did feel drained. Too much had happened too fast...

"Tawn..." I called after him.

"Yes, Lex?" Tawny turned around.

"I haven't got any of my stuff. It's all over at a boarding house run by a Mrs. Gellar," I replied. "Clothes and stuff. Bit of money."

Tawny looked thoughtful for a moment. "I'll see what I can do. It's already pretty late, Lex, if they think you've run away, the money has probably been taken. And we can find you some more clothes."

I nodded, closing my eyes. "Missed you, Tawn."

I was asleep before Tawny had left the apartment.

I couldn't remember a night I had had such a good night's sleep. I almost felt calm, like I wasn't balancing along a cliff face, there was no hysteria building, like a knot in my stomach.

I was still tucked up in Tawny's bed, a blanket wrapped around me, with a bottle of tryptrophan and a glass of water on the nightstand beside me.

I sat up, looking around for a clock or Tawny.

Light flooded into the main room, even with the paper covering up the windows. In the rare sunlight, the apartment looked slightly cheerier in the light, but it still looked slightly grungy and worn out.

Tawny was sprawled out on the couch, dead to the world. Completely relaxed.

I found a clock – a small portable thing on top of the television declaring it barely past seven in the morning. I had slept at least twelve hours, for the first time since back at the Marsdens' when I cut myself with the razor.

I slipped back into the bedroom, into the small bathroom, tiled entirely in a candy pink shade, with once-gold fittings. I stripped my clothes off and managed to locate some shampoo and some soap. There was no hot water, and I wouldn't have used it anyway. I was the guest, and I had no right to use up their hot water – their expensive hot water.

My sweater and jeans were hardly clean enough to wear once again, but I had nothing else unless I asked the twin girls – Jia Li and Li Na – to borrow some of their clothes. Maybe they had something they had grown out of. They were taller than I was, possibly older too.

I found a broken comb with eight teeth left and managed to comb my wet hair down, trying to look less like a drug addict or hooker, and more like the pitiful excuse for a genetically engineered mutant I was.

Pulling my clothes back on, I slipped out of the apartment. I could hear noises in the kitchen, as I slipped up to the next floor.

The first door was painted white with a pink trim. Painted in fancy pink script were the twins' names, decorated with little daisies and stars. Cute, I suppose. I knocked gently.

"Yes?"

I couldn't tell which one of them answered the door.

"Uh, I was wondering if you had some clothes that I could borrow," I said uncertainly. The girl was wearing her school uniform again, with little daisy hair clips. "I only have these and they're kind of gross."

The girl rolled her eyes. "Look, Alexis, I know Tony went out last night to get your stuff from whatever gutter you crawled out of, okay?"

I almost jumped. "Li Na?"

Before she could answer, her sister appeared, in a pair of faded pajamas. "Lina, I'm done in the bathroom," Jia Li said to Li Na. "I'll take Alexis down to Mother."

Li Na glared at me once more before Jia Li motioned I go downstairs.

"Mother will have gotten some breakfast ready for Lina and me," Jia Li replied. "We'll have to leave for school soon, but maybe I can help you out before I go."

I nodded as she led me to the restaurant floor, but into the back of the building. Into a massive kitchen, of worn appliances, and one long table working as a counter top. And a small Japanese woman, obviously Jia Li's mother, stirring something on the stove. As Jia Li and I walked in, the woman began talking in the same rapid fire dialect Li Na had used on me the night before.

"Mother, this is Tony's friend Alexis," Jia Li said clearly.

The woman looked up and smiled. "Ah. Alexis! Tony mentioned you were quite tired and sick last night. I hope you feel better?"

I nodded. "Yes thank you, Ma'am."

"Mrs. Yen. Mei Yen. Call me May," the woman said. "Please sit down, and I'll get you both some breakfast."

"Lina's being quite the bitch," Jia Li said primly, taking a seat at the counter-table. "I won't be surprised if Tony doesn't speak to her for the rest of the week at this rate."

"Leave your sister alone," May said mildly, pouring glasses of milk for us. "Breakfast will just be a second."

Jia Li took a sip of her milk before turning towards me. "Lina's pretty moody. And she doesn't always get along with Tony. She's got a bit of a crush on him. She's probably very jealous of you, getting to sleep in his room like that."

I shrugged almost uncomfortably. "We knew each other as children. He's like a big brother too me."

Jia Li beamed. "Me too! Now," she paused, looking thoughtful, "Lina will eventually calm down, but you shouldn't upset her anymore – even unintentionally. Don't call her Li Na. She considers herself an American, and goes with the American spelling and pronunciation, 'Lina'. She can't understand why our parents called us Chinese names."

"Culture!" May suddenly cried, half slamming plates of eggs and bacon in front of us. "I try to teach my daughters their culture and history, and you read those nasty magazines, and watch those horrible movies and spit on your heritage! I shall never understand you two!"

Jia Li giggled. "Mother loves culture. When Lina changed her name, I changed mine too – Jina – and Mother is always telling us we're spitting on our heritage. Of course, Mother changed the spelling of her name after too many mix ups."

I nibbled at my food. "How long has Tony lived here?"

Jina took a bite of her bacon. "When my sister Ling got into trouble, Tony helped her out. Mother offered Tony a room and job here, and he took it. Ling's gone now, to live in Canada. I'm glad Tony took the job. Less work for Lina and me."

"Alexis!" Tawny appeared in the doorway, looking blurry from sleep and relieved. "Didn't know where you'd gone."

"Just having some breakfast," I smiled, waving my fork around.

Tawny grinned, running his fingers through his hair, and for the first time I noticed he wasn't wearing a shirt; just sweatpants. And his chest muscles were very defined. Tanned, fit, strong, those eyes... I felt my cheeks heat up, and I looked back at my plate. I had never considered any of my brothers like that. Why was I thinking about Tawny, the brother I trusted all most more than I trusted Zack, like... like I wanted to have sex with him?

I dropped my fork on my plate. "Thank you May," I said awkwardly. "It was great."

May looked at me, calculating, for a few minutes. "Are you feeling well, Alexis? You look quite flushed," she said plainly. "Maybe you should go back upstairs and sleep a little more. Get out of those filthy clothes. I'm sure Lina – or you, Jina, have some clothes you could borrow."

Tawny shook his head. "I went and picked up Alexis's stuff yesterday night. It's upstairs if you want to get changed." His eyes were piercing me and I couldn't meet his gaze.

"Good, good," May smiled. "If Alexis is feeling better later, she can help me down here. I could always do with some help."

I drained my glass and stood up. "I'll see you later, Jina. Thank you May," I said, retreating upstairs as fast as I could without looking like I was running away. Tactical retreat like Lydecker taught us.

I had never looked at a boy before like that. I had never considered any man I had been with for any period of time attractive. It scared me more than anything I had faced. Tawny was my brother – the brother who had comforted me when I was scared, who held me when I had seizures, who had my back during training games. There was no way Tawny and were even closely related, but he was my brother in every other way. And I just wanted to press myself against him and kiss him.

I made it back up the stairs and into Tawny's 'apartment', tugging off my clothes. I could see my bags stacked next to the couch, my clothes crammed in. I pulled out the least worn t shirt and sweatpants. Finger combing my hair, I looked down at myself. I felt tired. I wanted to stop running, stop working... it made me tired. I just wanted to crawl into bed and wrap myself in a duvet and sleep forever. Just ... I didn't want to know this anymore. I wanted this to stop.

"Lex?"

Tawny appeared behind me, closing the door quietly behind him.

"Are you okay?" He rested his hand on my shoulder.

"Yeah..." I trailed off, tugging down the hem of my t shirt.

"...But?" Tawny prompted, turning me around gently.

"I'm just tired..." I sighed, leaning against his still-bare chest. "The running and the hiding."

Tawny hugged me. "We haven't caught up yet," he said, almost grimly. "Was it bad?"

Was it bad? Being beaten to a bloody pulp by a drunkard? Being saved by Zack, being left behind by Zack? Playing a part I didn't know how to play? Not knowing where I was, how everything worked or where my family was? Was it bad?

I shrugged, moving away from Tawny. "I lived."

Tawny rolled his eyes. "You Manticore girls, always acting so tough. I'll tell you the truth. It was worse than we could have ever imagined. Manticore may have been our personal hell, but the real world..." Tawny trailed off. "I don't think even Zack knew it'd be like this."

I looked at the floor. "You think we should've stayed?" I asked softly. "Back at Manticore?"

Tawny sighed, and leant over the side of the couch, pulling out a t shirt that obviously hadn't seen the laundry in a few days. Tugging it over his head, Tawny looked past me.

"We wouldn't have known any better if we stayed," Tawny said, half to himself. "We still would've thought it was easy and better out here."

"Eva would still be alive," I murmured. Tawny refocused on me.

"Eva died for us," he said in a stubborn voice that suggested this was an argument he'd had a lot over the last few years. Probably with Zack. "Eva believed this was the better place to be."

"No," I said, meeting his gaze. "I think she thought life couldn't get any worse than it was back there. I think she knew you, me, Max, Syl, Jace, Ben... we all would've ended up dead or wishing we were if we had stayed."

"Do you want to go back, Lexy?" Tawny said his face blank.

I faltered. It was a place I knew. It was a place I could stop running and remember to breathe once in awhile. To a place that was clean. No more dirt or fear or loneliness. I could be with the brothers and sisters that didn't escape. Back to the High Place, and where the monsters stayed in the basement.

"No," I shook my head. "I couldn't."

"Good. Neither could I," Tawny gave me a sheepish grin. And I looked and saw him. He wasn't as old as I presumed. Back at Manticore, he'd always seemed so much bigger, and older, to me. He was only seventeen. Maybe. I was naturally tall for my age, and I came up to his ear. We were just scared kids. Not adults or even, really, teenagers. We were making up for our lost childhoods now, with fear, and running and learning to fit in, to make sure we weren't noticed as anything different.

"I guess you're stuck with me then," I said, smiling at him.

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