Chapter 5 – Wear Boxers to Work!
"Look, I really don't care about this 'Boxy-sama' guy, so please, let me go home!" Kankurou moaned as his sister Temari casually dragged him along the ground, a trail of dust following him. Gaara silently followed them, staring at the ground in boredom.
"It's Boxer-sama! Not Boxy! And besides," Temari pointed into the distance, at a small speck. "Konoha is right there! You want to go all the way back to the Sunagakure? You want to make that super-long trek across the desert, on your own, with no food or-"
"Okay! I get it! Jeez," Kankurou grumbled. He sighed, and turned to check on his little brother, Gaara. "But why did you force Gaara to come along? Better yet, how? I'm sure he doesn't want to meet Bunker-sama too."
"It's Boxer-sama!"
"I know, Banker-sama."
"Boxer-sama!"
"That's what I said. Bogus-sama"
"... You're an idiot."
"… Just answer my question!"
Temari sighed, shrugging. "Actually, Gaara just wanted to come. He didn't tell me why though. If anything, I tried to stop him, saying that the people of Konoha wouldn't be very… welcoming of him. It's a good thing we have a treaty with them, or they'd toast us!"
Kankurou wasn't listening to her anymore, instead fearing what reasons Gaara would want to go back to Konoha. 'Oh Jebus, I hope he doesn't go on a killing spree or something… Maybe he won't! Maybe he wants to go shopping for something only in Konoha!'
He glanced at Gaara, and noticing the devilish look on his face, he shivered. 'Okay, it probably isn't shopping…'
Gaara had indeed come of his own will. He had planned for a long time to return and exact his painful, evil, sandy vengeance onto Naruto, who humiliated and defeated him during their past assault on Konoha. He had always felt different since his encounter with Naruto, a strange feeling for the blond ninja left inside his heart, which he deduced to be hatred… But was it? Other than Naruto, however, the news of Boxer-sama had reached the village of Sand, so he felt inclined to meet him, and beat the living daylights out of him for being loved so much. He hated people who got love so easily.
"Naruto, Boxer-sama… people to kill…" he whispered, trembling. An insane grin broke into his face as the trembling became more evident. Kankurou looked at him and shivered again.
"Crap, he's getting aroused again…" Kankurou joked quietly to Temari with a cheeky grin. "I'll never understand my cute little brother's turn-ons."
All of a sudden, Kankurou was thrusted into the air by a pillar of sand, engulfing his body.
"It was a joke! I was kidding! I was kidding!" Kankurou gurgled, a sand-version of Gaara's body popping out of the pillar and strangling him while chanting 'I heard that. I heard that.'
"So… You're saying you know who Boxer-sama is," Tsunade said, staring at Jiraiya. He nodded affirmatively.
"And you met him personally too," she continued.
"Yep, that's right!" Jiraiya replied, nodding some more.
"But you're not going to tell me who it is…" Tsunade said with a smile.
"Correct!" Jiraiya responded with a grin.
A brief moment of silence ensued, the two smiling at each other.
Tsunade suddenly jumped over her table and grabbed Jiraiya by the throat, strangling him mercilessly, causing Jiraiya's head flinging about like a rag doll.
"I… Knew you couldn't keep your hands… Off me…" Jiraiya said with a grin while his face went blue. Tsunade glared at him in anger.
"What the hell do you mean you can't tell me, you crazy, perverted turtle-lover? These damn papers don't stop coming! Are you saying you want to assist in me getting more work!"
"Wait, wait…" Jiraiya gasped, his face going shades of purple. "We made a deal."
Tsunade eyed him suspiciously, still clutching at his throat. "This involved something perverted, didn't it?"
Tsunade got her answer in the form of a nervous, gasped-out whistling, as Jiraiya's eyes rolled up to the ceiling, finding it suddenly interesting. Tsunade screamed out and began shaking him up again. Jiraiya's face was looking faint, and if Shizune hadn't walked in and calmed Tsunade down, Jiraiya would have been royally screwed.
Tsunade took a deep breath and returned to her seat, as Jiraiya took numerous, even deeper breaths, his face slowly returning to color. Finally, he sat down once more, and anyone who walked in at this moment wouldn't have believed that they were brawling moments ago. They looked as though nothing had happened.
"This deal," Tsunade began. "Could you explain it thoroughly for me?"
Jiraiya shuffled uncomfortably in his seat. "It's probably better if I don't tell you what I got from the deal, but you'll like what you get."
Tsunade sighed. "Don't worry, I think I'd puke if I found out what you got…"
Jiraiya continued. "Well, I managed to convince him to take on the jobs and notices he's been sent. But he's given me the condition that nobody else finds out who he is."
Tsunade's eye twitched slightly. "So… I can't find out who he is, but he'll take all the paperwork. I'm assuming it's through you?"
Jiraiya smiled brightly. "That's right, I'll personally be the one to send him his missions."
Tsunade took a deep breath. "While I have longed to find out who it is, and break his face in, I guess I can handle those measures. Tell Boxer-sama we have a deal."
Tsunade called for Shizune, who arrived with a massive stack of papers, which was set down in front of Jiraiya. He looked up at it nervously, noticing it was almost twice his height.
"W-What's this?" Jiraiya asked curiously. Tsunade grinned evilly.
"Boxer-sama's first set of missions and requests," Tsunade giggled girlishly. "I may not be able to beat him to a pulp, but it'll be interesting to watch him try and finish all this. And more keeps coming!" she pointed towards the door. "Come again soon, so I can give you more!"
Jiraiya chuckled nervously, lifting the papers and walking out, stepping sideways now and then to try and balance it all. He sighed.
"Naruto's not going to like this," Jiraiya gulped.
Two boys were arguing quite loudly once again, this time in the middle of a busy market street, the merchants praying they would go away. They were bad for business.
"Acknowledge me already, dammit!" Naruto wailed. "You said you would!"
Naruto was told that they had no missions on today by a downheartened Kakashi, who was mumbling incoherently along the lines 'Movie destroyed... Boxer-sama... Kill...'. Naruto had nothing better to do, so decided to spend the day following Sasuke around to make him acknowledge that he was the greater ninja.
"I didn't say anything!" Sasuke replied angrily. "And there's nothing worth acknowledging about you, except maybe how stupid you are!"
Naruto still fought to get Sasuke's approval, and Sasuke's mind was still preoccupied with thoughts on how to get rid of Boxer-sama. He had noticed the recent decline in his popularity, and while he didn't admit it, he missed it. He hated the way Boxer-sama stole his limelight, and loathed the thought that he could be much stronger than himself. His mood had grown ever more grouchy since the first 'Boxer-sama incident', and Naruto's constant nagging wasn't exactly helping it. As for Sakura, she spent more time with girlfriends talking about Boxer-sama rather than chasing him so often. Sasuke didn't know whether to be happy that she left him alone, or pissed that Boxer-sama was beating him again.
After another hour of failed attempts, Naruto's stomach growled powerfully, even causing the ground to shake slightly. In fact, Sasuke tripped from the vibrations, falling forward onto a pink-haired girl who had her hands full with shopping bags. They crashed to the floor in a heap.
"S-Sakura?" Sasuke said, realizing whom he crashed onto.
"Oh, hello Sasuke!" she said. "Um, could you get off me now? I've got plenty of things to do."
'What the hell…' Sasuke thought to himself. 'Normally she'd kill for a moment like this. Literally kill!'
Sasuke grunted, getting back to his feet.
"Sakura-chaaan!" Naruto exclaimed, pulling her to her feet and forgetting his hunger for the moment. "What are you doing out here?"
"What does it look like? I'm shopping!" she said, raising her bags to make a point. "It's not every day we have free time, so the girls and I were arranging for a sleepover! I'm just buying some supplies."
"Sleepover?" Naruto repeated curiously. "…Is that like… a religious thing?"
Sasuke and Sakura stared at him blankly. "You… don't know what a sleepover is?"
Naruto squinted at them with a frown. "Is it something important? Can you wear it?" He grinned hopefully. "Can you eat it?"
"You know Naruto, I think I'll acknowledge you now," Sasuke said with a sigh. "You are indeed the biggest idiot ever. Congratulations."
"Hey! Stuff you! It's not my fault I've never eaten a 'sleepover' before!" Naruto yelled, raising his fist. But suddenly, he clutched his stomach again as it rumbled once more. "…Grr, I'll get you after I've had something to eat… Maybe I'll find some 'sleepover'…"
Naruto squabbled off, occasionally setting off miniature earthquakes and scaring the merchants. Sasuke and Sakura stared at him and sighed.
"What a moron. Doesn't even know what a sleepover is…" Sasuke said icily. "He's stupid beyond belief sometimes."
"Who cares about that guy? He's a loser anyway… Not like Boxer-sama!" she squealed happily, accidentally dropping one of her bags. "Oops!"
The bag hit the ground, its contents tipping onto the floor. Sasuke looked down as she picked everything up, and frowned, twitching in anger.
"Sakura… Why do you have all this Boxer-sama merchandise?" he asked, shaking in irritation.
"For the sleepover, remember?" Sakura reminded him. "We going to dedicate it to Boxer-sama, so we're all going to wear boxer shorts and shirts and surround ourselves with Boxer-sama merchandise! Don't you think that's cool?"
Sasuke could feel himself burning up, and Sakura noticed steam pouring out of his ears and nose.
"Um, Sasuke? Are you okay? You're steaming. I don't think it's normal for people to steam… Hey, I know! Use this 'Boxer-sama' icepack!" she said, as she reached into one of her bags and pulled out an icepack in the shape of a miniature Boxer-sama. "It's like he's hugging your wounds! Ahh!" she squealed as she hugged her icepack, instantly forgetting why she took it out to begin with.
Had she looked for Sasuke, she'd have noticed that he had somehow melted the dirt under his feet with his incredibly high temperature, and had now sunk under the ground, his spiky, raven-haired head looking like a black shrub on the track. Which was promptly run over by a rickshaw.
Twice.
Naruto raised his bowl of ramen, slobbering down the remaining soup loudly. He slammed it back down onto the table, sighing in satisfaction.
"Sometimes Naruto, you're just too easy to find," a familiar voice said, taking a seat by him.
"Yo, Ero-sennin! What's been hap… What the heck is that tower?" Naruto yelped in surprise, pointing at the stack of papers that Jiraiya had set by the ramen stand. The pile managed to pass the roof of the ramen stall with considerable ease.
"Err… Well…" Jiraiya began. "I had to bargain with Tsunade so that she wouldn't rip me to pieces when I didn't tell her who you were. Remember when I said that she had loads of missions and stuff waiting for err…" he leant in and whispered. "Boxer-sama…"
Naruto looked at the stack of papers, then gulped nervously. "Are you serious? How the hell am I going to do that all on my own?"
Jiraiya grinned cheekily, patting him on the back. "You want to be a Hokage, right? So this should be nothing for you! I'm going to take them back to my hut, so tonight I want you to come over and start finishing these missions!"
Naruto groaned, thinking of all the time he'd lose, all the things he loved doing that he wouldn't be able to. Which was mainly sleeping and eating for long periods of time.
"Anyway, I'm off! Remember, tonight!" Jiraiya said, picking up his stack once more and awkwardly swerving off for his hut. Naruto sighed anxiously.
"Things couldn't possibly get worse…" he said, then twitched. He looked around ominously. "…Something bad is going to happen again, huh…"
Naruto looked around for a moment, but couldn't find anything wrong. He turned back to his empty ramen bowl, laughing heartily. "I'm being paranoid! That's it!"
"Hello," a creepy voice appeared right behind him, breathing on his neck and causing a shiver to run up his spine. He swung around quickly, but lost his balance on the stool, crashing to the floor. Rubbing his back in pain, he looked up to see who it was and froze, his jaw falling to the floor.
"G-GAARA!" Naruto yelled in shock, pointing up at him meticulously from the floor. "What the hell are you doing here? Remember, we have a treaty! If you're trying to-"
"Relax, kid," Kankurou said calmly, standing behind Gaara. "We're not here to cause any trouble."
"That's hard to believe…" Naruto said, eyeing him suspiciously. "So why are you here, then?"
Kankurou frowned in embarrassment, his cheeks flushing slightly. "Temari is dead-set on meeting Baxter-sama, and she dragged me along with her. That crazy girl…" he whispered the last part under his breath. Naruto stared at him in surprise.
"You mean Boxer-sama?"
"Yeah, something like that."
"Y-You guys at Sunagakure have heard of Boxer-sama?"
"Kid, everybody has heard of that creepy underwear freak. Personally he seems like a total nut to me, this Box-sama," Kankurou said with a shrug.
"Boxer-sama," Naruto corrected.
"Yeah, Bonker-sama."
"Uh, no. Boxer-sama."
"That's what I said. Banger-sama."
"…Are you even listening to me?"
Gaara was staring intently at Naruto, his eyes twitching now and then. He knew he wanted something from the blond haired ninja, and he had thought he wanted to fight him. But his body didn't want to. He looked at Naruto in confusion.
'It should be… no, HAS to be that I want to hurt him… So why can't I…?' Gaara thought. It was a feeling he had not felt before, or at least a feeling he couldn't remember. Little did Gaara know that what he was feeling was a want for friendship. His icy-cold heart recognized Naruto as someone who could relate to him and possible accept him. However, to Gaara, the feeling was just his usual desire to fight and kill him.
Naruto glared back at Gaara uncertainly, still lying on the floor. His stare was scaring him. "Oi, what's your problem?" he asked cautiously. Gaara tensed, trying to attack him, trying to violently decapitate his limbs and rip his face off with his teeth. But not even his sand wanted to attack. Gaara's eyes winced once again before he finally gave up, turning away and walking off without a word.
"Gaara? Hey, where you going?" Kankurou called as he chased after him. Naruto sat up on the ground, crossing his legs, watching them disappear into the distance. He frowned sourly.
"Why does it feel like things just became more complicated…?"
Sakura, Ino, Tenten, and Hinata were all heading for Ino's place, the location of their sleepover. They were carrying bags full of Boxer-sama things, except of course for Hinata, who only brought her pajamas and sleeping needs. Except she also had a small hand-knitted doll she slept with, that resembled a blond haired kid in orange, but she chose to hide that deep, deep in her bag.
Everyone, except Hinata of course, was eagerly chattering away about Boxer-sama.
"Oh my gosh, when we helped him in the springs, did you girls cop a feel of his chest?" Ino squealed cheekily.
"You didn't!" Sakura said jealously. Ino stared at her, victory in her eyes.
"Oh, it felt fantastic! I'm so sorry that you didn't touch it, Sakura," she teased.
"Oh yeah?" Tenten said, licking her lips lightly. "I copped a feel of his butt while we were carrying him!"
The other girls stared at her, then lowered their heads in defeat. Hinata just listened quietly, but the thought of touching butt led her mind to someone else. She saw herself caressing someone on his behind, as he grabbed her tightly, hugging her, and throwing her down to make out with her like a madman and proclaim his undying love for her.
"Hey, Hinata, what's up?" the girls asked, staring at her. "Your face is all red, and you're moaning slightly…"
Hinata suddenly woke up, shaking her hands in the air hurriedly. "N-N-Nothing! Sorry!" she said, her face beet red.
The girls shrugged, continuing their discussions of Boxer-sama.
"You're all talking about Boxer-sama, aren't you?" a girl's voice said behind them. They turned around curiously, and shrieked in surprise.
"Y-You!" they all yelled, pointing at her. Except Hinata, who was edging herself slowly behind the others. Temari raised her hands in surrender.
"Don't worry, don't worry!" she said casually. "I'm not here to cause trouble… I only want one thing…"
"And what's that?" they asked carefully.
Temari suddenly whipped out a life-sized Boxer-sama pillow, and cuddled it with a 'kya!'. From where she whipped it out is questionable.
"I want to meet Boxer-sama!" she squealed girlishly, surprising all the others greatly. But what surprised them even more was…
"OMIGOSH, YOU HAVE THE LIMITED EDITION LIFE-SIZED BOXER-SAMA PILLOW!"
Temari gave them the victory sign. "I had to work like a dog to earn enough money in time, but I got it!"
The girls crowded around her, checking the pillow out excitedly. Except Hinata, who stood there in confusion.
"Wow, is the butt on this the same as the real one, Tenten?"
"Hmm, lemme have a feel and see…"
"What? You've touched his butt before? No way!"
"That's not all we did! Huhuhu…"
In the end, Temari was invited to accompany them to their sleepover, to which she gladly agreed. They had found common ground in their infatuation with the boxer-shorts superninja. The sun was beginning to set, and they saw Ino's place up ahead.
"Okay! Let the party begin!" they yelled as they cheered happily.
Except Hinata, who made a shy 'yay' noise.
Boxer-sama stood gloomily in Jiraiya's hut, observing the pile of papers. He felt exhausted just looking at it. He wore the same headgear that Jiraiya had given him, along with his trusty heart-patterned boxers and white shirt.
"Okay, Boxer-sama! There were a lot of easy jobs, and a lot of hard ones, so I took the liberty of picking you a hard one because I know if I let you pick, you'll do the easy ones!"
Boxer-sama cringed, looking at Jiraiya with annoyed eyes. He had already figured out Naruto's 'master' plan.
"This came from the locals: apparently there's been a mysterious and powerful panty thief in Konoha who has been causing a ruckus every night for some time."
"…They want me to catch a panty thief?" Naruto asked quizzically. "How come the police ninjas (hehe, police ninjas) couldn't get him? He's just some crazy pervert…" he thought for a moment, then stared at Jiraiya suspiciously. "… It isn't you, is it?"
Jiraiya frowned in embarrassment. "Come on, Naruto, I'm not that low. I just want a good look now and then… for research… maybe a picture or two…" he coughed vigorously. "Anyway, the reason they couldn't catch him is because he's apparently no ordinary panty thief. They've got this mission as a B-Ranker. He's probably stronger than your average ninja. Do you think you can handle him?"
"Of course I can! I can handle anything and anyone!" Naruto said courageously. He ran out the door, jumping swiftly through the trees on his first job to catch the powerful, perverted panty thief. Jiraiya looked at the door and smiled.
"Naruto's going to become a great man…" he said with a father-like face and a heart filled with pride.
…Which was suddenly interrupted when Boxer-sama bounded back in.
"Uh, I forgot to ask about what he looks like and where I'm supposed to find him…" he chuckled, scratching the back of his head. Jiraiya sighed.
"Well, maybe not a smart man…" he mumbled, rolling his eyes.
END CHAPTER 5A/N: Before anybody thinks there's going to be some kind of yaoi thing going on between Naruto and Gaara, let me just say this: NO! IT'S NOT GOING TO HAPPEN! I have special plans for Gaara… Oh my, they're special… Okay, maybe not very special, but he'll do stuff. And as for Kakashi's strange outburst, that'll be answered in the next 'I Hate Boxers' subchapter, which I'll write probably after chapter 5 or 6.