A/N: Once again, more side-stories of the other characters. Next chapter will continue with the main story as usual. The following includes Kakashi, the Panty Thief, and Itachi and the Akatsuki. I'll probably have the next chapter ready by next week, which seems to be the trend for me at the moment. Anyway, I hope you enjoy this chapter!
Kakashi's Story
Kakashi stood in front of his favorite shop after another mission well done with his young Genins. At least he called it standing - passer-bys would describe more like he was 'making out' with the glass display of the adult bookshop. He eyed the books tentatively, his mask hiding the drool that was trickling out of his mouth, as well as disguising his flushed-red face.
"I see you're here again, Kakashi-san!"
The storekeeper had popped outside for fresh air, and was not overly surprised to see his number one customer fogging up his window. While he wasn't a fan of wiping Kakashi's stains and cheek marks off the glass, he was fond of Kakashi's insatiable needs for Jiraiya's explicit works.
"Konnichiwa!" Kakashi greeted heartily, his eye aflutter. "How's business, Henta-san?"
Henta, first name Ii, scratched his head with a grin. "Not too bad, not too bad at all. You wouldn't believe the number of perverts around Konoha. Still, thanks to them I've got a booming business!" he said with a bellow of laughter.
"Has that order I asked for come in yet?" Kakashi asked with anticipation. Henta thought for a moment while Kakashi eyed him hopefully.
"Ah!" he clicked his fingers. "It did indeed! The package just arrived this morning. Why don't you come in and I'll get it for you?"
Kakashi leapt in the air girlishly with a triumphant "Wai" and skipped in after Henta.
The store's walls were riddled with novels, videos, and video games, all covered with pictures of naked girls, young and old. They even had cosplay costumes, which included orange jumpsuits, pink dresses, and other acutely familiar costumes that certain Genins and Chuunins liked to run around in. Kakashi probably would have noticed if his mind wasn't completely preoccupied with his perverted books.
When Henta came back with Kakashi's order, he carried a rolled-up poster under his arm. Kakashi's attention, however, was centered completely on his parcel. Henta handed it to him, who grabbed it eagerly, literally ripping the box to pieces to reach his new book. He raised it into the air in triumph.
"Super Explicit Over-the-top Fantastic-O Make-out Violence PART XIII!" he screamed out in joy, lowering it down and cuddling it to his chest. Henta shivered slightly.
"Even to this day, it still creeps me out when you do that," Henta said. Kakashi was indeed one of his more 'colorful' customers. He handed Kakashi the poster he was carrying with him. "Oh, I thought you'd like to see this."
Kakashi, tearing his attention away from his book for a moment, took the poster and unraveled it. He looked inside with a blank face.
Silence ensued for about a minute, Kakashi not moving an inch, not even breathing.
"…Kakashi-san? You oka-"
"OH MY BUTT-FRIGGING GOD ICHA ICHA PARADISE THE ANIMATION MOVIE!" Kakashi screamed, pointing at the poster violently as he threw himself backwards in awe.
Henta watched with a bemused face as Kakashi proceeded to pinch himself to see if it was real, then punch himself on the arm, then on the face, until he was downright kicking himself in the groin in disbelief. After a minute of beating himself stupid, he confirmed that it was real, lying on the floor bruised and battered.
"W-When is the movie being released?" Kakashi gasped to Henta, who was debating whether or not he needed to call an ambulance.
"Uh… T-Tomorrow it's going to air at Konoha cinema…" he said nervously. "A-Are you okay, Kakashi-san?"
Kakashi was no longer listening, hauling himself away with his chin, crawling out the door like a slug.
"Icha-Icha-Icha-Icha…" was heard moving down the street as Kakashi chanted all the way home, shaking with excitement. He planned to see the movie tomorrow. He wouldn't wait. He couldn't. He would see it. Nothing would stop him.
Or so he thought.
As the next day arrived, Kakashi was up bright and early. Or more accurately, Kakashi had sat awake all night chanting "Icha-Icha-Icha!" and left as he saw the sun rise. He hopped down the street energetically, his lack of sleep not even fazing him. He practically bounced his way to the cinemas, uncaring of whether or not it ran through his scheduled mission time - he'd just tell his team he discovered the meaning of life, or he accidentally joined a new religion.
Within moments he was in front of the cinema, where many men had crowded around, shouting and yelling angrily. Kakashi smiled, thinking they were as impatient as him. He tapped one of the men at the back of the crowd.
"You guys can't wait for them to open the doors either, eh?" Kakashi said, nudging him in the ribs. The guy looked at him, his eyes full of rage.
"Not anymore! They're saying they won't be showing it anymore! They said they found something better to show!"
Kakashi's pupils shrunk in shock. "What! What do you mean? What could possibly be better than Icha Icha Paradise? NOTHING IS BETTER THAN ICHA ICHA PARADISE!"
He shuffled to the front of the crowd, where the cinema attendants were holding the men away with pitchforks. The crowd was like a pack of vicious wolves, baring their teeth menacingly, intent on biting them.
"Just play Icha Icha Paradise! We've waited for this a long time!"
"Yeah! Don't make me bite your ass, 'cause I will!"
"I needs me my Icha! Icha Icha dammit!"
"You do NOT want to know what it's like in my pants right now!"
The crowd riled and wailed uncontrollably, distraught that Icha Icha Paradise was not being shown. Kakashi moved to the front of the pack, standing before the attendants. He faced the one he deduced to be the manager.
"Why won't you show Icha Icha Paradise?" Kakashi asked, his voice calm, but his eye twitching menacingly.
"Look, it's not our fault! The men up top ordered us!" the manager said angrily. "They told us they had something better to show, and it had to be aired immediately."
"And what is this other movie?" Kakashi asked, the twitching accelerating, looking as though he was going to twitch his eyeball out of its socket.
Before the manager could answer, a rumbling was heard in the distance, closing in on them. The men turned around, searching for what the sound was. It didn't take them long to find out, as a stampede of women appeared in the horizon, running like bulls straight in their direction. They were so fast that the men didn't even have time to react, finding themselves steamrolled by the masses of women. They rushed into the cinema, screaming in excitement, pushing and shoving their way in.
When the dust cleared, the floor was littered with men, all of them covered with various shoe marks, heel marks, and strangely some of them had hand marks. Kakashi looked up in pain, towards the manager, who was also sprawled onto the ground with his attendants.
"The movie they told us to play?" the manager repeated Kakashi's question. "It's called 'Boxer Boxer Paradise'. The guys who made the 'Icha Icha Paradise' animation are the guys who made it. They apparently gathered all copies of Icha Icha Paradise and burnt them, deciding it was a waste of time, and they made a movie about Boxer-sama instead."
Kakashi felt his heart stop. He looked up into the sky, his body losing feeling. "M-My… My precious Icha Icha… No… NOOO!"
Kakashi jumped up and ran, his eyes full of anger. Hearing that Boxer-sama had effectively destroyed his happiness had driven him out of control. He ran all the way to the top of Konoha, standing on the faces of the previous Kages.
He threw his hands into the air, giving up his normal hip-ness and became something that nobody believed he would ever become. Something that only an impossibly traumatizing experience could do to him. He screamed out with flared nostrils and wide shock-filled eyes.
"IF I DON'T KILL BOXER-SAMA, I'LL NEVER READ ANOTHER DIRTY NOVEL FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE AND I'LL MAKE A VOW OF CELIBACY! I'M GOING TO KILL YOU, BOXER-SAMA! I'LL KILL YOU WITH MY YOUTHFUL PASSION FOR DIRTY NOVELS AND NAKED WOMEN! UOOOO! THE FIRE IN MY HEART IS BURNING BRIGHTLY!"
He became Maito Gai.
The Panty Thief's Story
"Ahh, there's nothing like two-week overdue prune juice. The time really brings out the pruny flavors!"
Grandpa Uchiha sipped his prune expired fruit juice peacefully, old oriental music playing from his equally old radio. Once upon a time, Grandpa Uchiha was possibly the strongest ninja in history, being the first to inherit the Sharingan Bloodline Limit from the Hyuuga clan. His Sharingan was extremely powerful, sporting an incredible four dots in each eye, something no other Uchiha or owner of the Sharingan has ever had. However, he had a nasty reputation as an uncontrollable pervert, which was influenced unto him by his brother, who happened to be the great, great grandfather of Hyuuga Neji. As if that wasn't bad enough, he would only ever use his Sharingan for peeping on girls and using his mind controlling abilities for his own erotic purposes.
While Grandpa Hyuuga was much more capable of suppressing his perverted desires, Grandpa Uchiha wasn't quite as held back. He stole panties and underwear from every woman he could find, even ones related to him. It was rumored he had even stolen underwear from men a few times. Eventually, the Hyuugas decided to exile him from the Hyuuga family, which resulted in him leaving to start the Uchiha clan, which he hoped would become a clan of the greatest perverts.
However, Uchihas that came after him cleverly decided that it would be best to leave him out of the official family tree and hide their true origins from the world.
Grandpa Uchiha looked down at his juice packet, tapping it curiously.
"Aw, darn, I'm all out of prune juice."
He got up slowly, where it was revealed that he was sitting on a chair made entirely out of women's undergarments. In fact, a lot of his furniture was structured from underwear, from his tables and chairs to his mattresses and pillows. It was like a perverted version of the gingerbread house in 'Hansel and Gretel'. Grandpa Uchiha was the world's only practitioner as well as founder of the mystical and estranged Panty no Jutsu.
He slipped on his sandals, molded out of black lacy underwear, and stepped out into the street, intent on heading for his nearest convenience store to buy more prune juice. However he stopped when he noticed his neighborhood mailwoman placing mail in his slot. He whistled to her playfully, cheekily rubbing his nipples. When the mailwoman saw him, she screamed, running off as fast as she could, grabbing her mouth in horror. Grandpa Uchiha scratched his head curiously.
"Hm, I guess girls today aren't turned on by the old 'nipple-rub' anymore... Kids these days!" he said with a sigh, picking up his mail and running through it.
"Let's see… Hate mail… Hate mail… Junk mail… Hate mail…" Grandpa Uchiha apparently received plenty of complaints, as well as the odd death threat or two, from suspicious fathers and husbands. "… Hate mail… Oh, my monthly copy of 'Kunoichis Gone Wild! Yum-yum!" he said happily, licking his lips.
He sifted through the remaining letters until one in particular caught his eye. "Hm…? This is from Itachi, my good old great, great grandson! I wonder how he's been with the other Uchihas?"
Apparently, Grandpa hadn't visited home in awhile, and was unaware of Itachi's slaughtering, which happened days after he left. Ironically, he did play a hand in Itachi's doing so.
FLASHBACK
"Hey, Grandfather," Itachi said monotonously. "I've been reading a certain something recently…"
'Ah, the little guy must be talking about porno mags!' Grandpa Uchiha thought smugly. "I completely understand what you're talking about, Itachi!"
Itachi looked at him with a slightly surprised expression. His grandpa had somehow known that he was talking about the secrets of the Sharingan, and the texts telling him of how to unlock its full potential. "How did you know, Grandfather?"
"I could see it in your eyes!" he reassured his icy great, great grandson. "I always wondered how long it would take you to notice. After all, I've seen amazing potential in you to become something incredible."
"Really?" Itachi asked in shock. "Then that means you agree that I should do it?"
"It? Haha! You sure are in a rush, aren't you?" Grandpa Uchiha joked. "By all means! You're young and vibrant, it's always good to start young, I say! After all, I think I did it when I was your age too!"
Itachi looked at his grandpa wondrously. 'This must be what it's like to obtain the true power of the Sharingan!' he thought to himself. 'To be able to tell your own great, great grandson to slaughter the entire Uchiha family and my best friend must be what it's like to have all the power! That's incredible!'
"But when you start, please, just leave that little brother of yours out of it," Grandpa Uchiha warned him. "He's not ready yet, and someday he'll become quite great himself. He just needs a few years."
"L-Leave Sasuke?" Itachi asked, surprise. "What about the other family members?"
"Oh, I think they've seen this coming a long time," his great, great grandfather chuckled. "The other family members will understand. After all, you're the great Uchiha Itachi!"
"Thank you, Grandfather," Itachi said, walking off. "I had some doubts as to whether or not I should do it, but you have cleared my mind."
"Don't mention it, Itachi," Grandpa Uchiha said with a smile. "Oh yeah, and if you ever find that your power alone isn't quite enough," he said, referring to his perverted power. "Then just send me a letter or something. I'm always ready to lend you a hand! Especially when it comes to things involving that."
Itachi gave Grandpa Uchiha a rare smile. "Thank you, Grandfather. I'll be sure to do it, and make you proud. I'll become the most powerful in existence."
"That's the spirit, Itachi!" his grandfather told him. "Well, I'll be heading back home tomorrow. Good luck with it!"
"Yes, Grandfather. And I will spare Sasuke, as you said. Perhaps I'll tell him to loathe me and live in an unsightly way too," Itachi said with a bow before he walked away. Itachi was well known in the family not only for being quite possibly the best, but also because he had a strange fetish for telling people to hate him and live in an unsightly way.
"Yep," Grandpa Uchiha said with a grin. "He'll be a greater pervert than even myself. Maybe I should teach him Panty no Jutsu one day…"
"Hehe, I guess he wants to learn the Panty no Jutsu now," Grandpa Uchiha thought out loud with a chuckle. He opened the envelope and pulled out the letter. Unfortunately he had recently misplaced his glasses, and was unable to read without them. However, he was also forgetful, and not only forgot where he put his glasses, but also forgot he had bad eyesight.
"Lessee here…"
The letter read:
To my Grandfather Uchiha,
Many years ago you gave me advice to make my plunge for power, and for that I am eternally grateful. Back then you had also told me that if I ever needed help with 'that', I would be able to call on your assistance. This is one such time.
I have recently begun working on capturing two certain individuals that I desire, as they have some things that I want. The first is Uzumaki Naruto, one who holds the demon Kyuubi's power. The other is Sabaku no Gaara, who holds the amazing Shukaku.
Enclosed is a map pinpointing their locations. Your assistance would be most appreciated.
Itachi
"Hrm…" Grandpa Uchiha said, scratching his head. He squinted and read the letter over twice. "… Okay… I think I've got it. He's saying there's this chick he desires called… Uzunari Naruko? And… She's a total fox! Okay, and also… Sanaku Nokara? And… OH MY GOD SHE DOES AMAZING BUKAKKE!" he shouted in surprise. He clenched the letter in his fist, looking into the sky with tears in his eyes. "Uoo! My Itachi's all grown up now! Don't worry, Itachi, I'll find your little nymphs! And I'll grab you a whole bunch of underwear while I'm at it! After all, I haven't given you any Christmas or birthday presents for years! I'll be sure to grab you a whole lot!"
He hurried ran back into his home, changing into his old ninja garb, and donning his trusty laundry basket. He stepped out of his home, looking out into the distance. He glanced at his map, taking note of the circles around Konoha and Sunagakure.
"Konoha is closer, so I'll head there first and grab Uzunari Naruko… Oh yes, and a whole lot of underwear for my perverted little great, great grandson!" he thought for a moment. "Sasuke should be at Konoha too… I should try to check on him and find out what a huge pervert he's become! After all, it's in his blood!"
He shot off into the distance, giggling like a schoolgirl, in the direction of Konoha.
Itachi and the Akatsuki's Story
"You have to loathe me, despise me, and live in an unsightly manner!" Itachi taunted relentlessly. "If you want to avenge the death of your family, then kill me! Live and find power! Become stronger than me!"
"Uh, Itachi…" Kisame said, somewhat nervously. "I can understand when you did that to Sasuke, but do you really have to do it to every living creature you can? This is like, the twelfth time I've caught you screwing around with your corny 'despise me' shtick this week!"
Itachi was caught once again by Kisame, this time holding a mouse in his hand, which looked frightened out of its wits, and numerous bodies of mice were scattered about him. He looked at Kisame with his usual dead eyes.
"Kisame, I don't ask about the fact that you have gills, so don't ask about my hobbies," he said icily. He let his eyes return to the mouse. "Prepare yourself, foolish little mouse, as I make you witness me killing your family over and over again! Tsukuyomi!"
"God, he's using it on a mouse now…" Kisame mumbled in frustration. "Seriously, Itachi, when I saw you use it on other ninja, it was pretty cool and evil, and that time you used it on that dog and made it scared of cats was kinda funny, but really, it's just weird now."
Itachi wasn't listening, too busy enjoying his torture session with the poor mouse. However, after a minute, he felt exhausted, his chakra feeling depleted. "K-Kisame, I grow weary. Finish it off before he can attack me. Hurry, use your sword."
Kisame stared at Itachi with furrowed eyebrows. "…Itachi, it's a mouse. I am not going to unwrap my sword for a puny mouse. You have no clue how long it takes me to wrap this mother of a sword."
"I don't care," Itachi said with a kind of evil childishness. "Just do it. It will amuse me greatly."
"Everything amuses you greatly! Your breakfast amuses you! Hell, I think I saw you try to use your Sharingan on your breakfast while taunting it to despise you for eating its family!"
Itachi eyed Kisame with his dark eyes. "Kisame… Maybe it's about time I met your family."
"For the last time, Itachi, I'm not letting you meet my family," Kisame said with a sigh. "You'll kill them all and tell me to loathe you and live in an unsightly way and all that."
"…No I won't," Itachi lied obviously, Kisame noticing that he was trembling with excitement. Kisame tried to get him off the subject.
"Let's just concentrate on getting the Kyuubi and Shukaku. You said you sent your grandfather to get them?"
"Yes," Itachi replied. "He told me of how he gained immense power the same way I did. I've never had the chance to see him use it, but I'm sure his power is unbeatable.
As though on cue, one of their spies happened to burst in at that point.
"I-Itachi-sama! Your Grandfather was arrested last night!"
"WHAT?" Kisame yelled in shock. "I thought your grandfather was meant to be the greatest Uchiha?"
Itachi's face didn't show it, but he was equally as shocked. "How was he captured?"
"T-There is a superninja in Konoha!" the spy told him. "He's rumored to be more powerful than all the Kages put together!"
"I-Impossible!" Kisame shouted. "How can anyone be stronger than all the Kages?"
"It doesn't matter," Itachi replied. "We shall declare war on Konoha unless they give us the head of this Boxer-sama."
The spy and Kisame looked at him blankly. "Uh, Itachi…" Kisame began. "There's really only nine of us and a handful of spies. And the spies aren't that strong, most of them are around a Genin's level of ability. We can't really have a war with them. Besides, the other members are pretty lazy most of the time, and I doubt they could give a damn about your gramps." (Just finding a reason not to involve the members I don't know, aren't I?)
"… Kisame, shut up," Itachi replied monotonously. "We will declare war on them if they don't give us Boxer-sama."
"But-"
"War."
"We don't-"
"War."
"Ita-"
"War.
Kisame sighed, knowing that he could not sway Itachi's mind. "Okay, okay… We'll declare war on them if they don't get rid of Boxer-sama."
"Excellent," Itachi said, then looked over at the other spy, feeling his urges kicking in.
"…Y-Yes, sir? Is there something you need?"
"Sort of. Does your family live on the way to Konoha?"
END CHAPTER 7.5A/N: Everyone loves poking fun at Itachi's 'hate me' shtick. Oh Itachi, you so crazy!