A/N: First, thank you to Sammarby for the offer, but I have a beta reader at the moment, however I may need you should my current beta be busy. Hope you'll still have that offer when that time comes!
And to Kuzo: About Konoha police squad, I can't really remember much about it since I've yet to read up on Naruto, but for simplicity's sake, and to make Boxer-sama shine a bit more, let's just say they're either dead, or on vacation. I dunno. )
Anyway, thanks to everyone for the reviews and support! As usual, any ideas or thoughts or welcome!
Naruto and the others sat outside Tsunade's office building while their superiors were in a meeting to discuss what they would do about the Boxer-sama incident. Everyone was quiet in thought at the time, some of them worried, and of course some of them hopeful that Boxer-sama would finally die.
Naruto noticed the girls sulking in worry. Even Hinata was slightly worried. It made him feel bad that he was the cause of their grief, and decided he would cheer them up.
"Hey, hey! Everyone look at me!" Naruto announced, hopping up and down. "I've just invented a new jutsu!"
Everyone looked up at Naruto, more annoyed with his racket rather than interested.
"Shut up, Naruto," Sasuke grumbled. "I'm busy praying for Boxer-sama's death."
Naruto laughed nervously. "F-Forget that for just a second, you're all going to want to see this!"
"I'm sure we do…" Neji mumbled, rolling his eyes.
"Uoooo! A new jutsu sounds exciting, Naruto!" Lee shouted, his eyes burning. "I will gladly take a moment from cursing Boxer-sama to an infinitely painful doom to watch you perform your youth-filled, extremely nice jutsu that is full of gusto!"
"I wouldn't mind seeing this either!" Tenten said with an encouraging smile, staring at Naruto intently.
"Pft! Tenten, are you serious?" Sakura said, waving Naruto off with her hand. "That guy couldn't possibly have any new jutsu, or at least not one worth watching."
"I… I think he deserves a chance…" Hinata said quietly, twiddling her thumbs.
Naruto smiled, giving a nice-guy pose to them. "Trust me! You'll all love it!"
Naruto began forming a bunch of incredibly complicated looking seals. Yet, unknown to the others, Naruto was clumsily making up hand signals, hoping he would somehow make up an amazing jutsu.
"Wow, he's using seals I've never seen before…" Sakura noted, amazed that Naruto knew such seals. Naruto decided he did enough, then clapped his hands together.
"Cheer-up no Jutsu!" he cried, unable to think of a better name. Naruto blew up in a puff of smoke, hiding him from everyone else's eyes.
Suddenly, they all heard Naruto's voice screaming in shock.
"W-WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?"
The smoke cleared, and everyone stared at him with their jaws on the floor. Naruto's body was covered in flowers, growing off his skin and through his clothes. He was like a walking bouquet of weird and wonderful flowers.
"OH GOD, SOMEONE DO SOMETHING!" he yelled in panic, running around in circles. Sasuke huffed in annoyance.
"Try deactivating it, idiot."
Naruto hurriedly tried to work out the seal to release it, his hands fluttering through numerous seals. Until he accidentally formed a self-explosion seal (I have no idea if that exists, but it does now)
Naruto blew up in flames, smoke screening his figure as he yelled in surprise. As the flames and smoke subsided, Naruto stood there, flowers and all, except now the flowers were all on fire, and Naruto's skin got a decent tan.
"OH MY BUTT-FREAKING GOD THEY'RE ON FIRE!" Naruto yelled again, running like an idiot. He saw a nearby well, and ran for it, jumping in without a second thought…
"Na-Naruto! I don't think you want to-" Sakura cautioned.
THUMP.
…Only to hit the bottom and find out that there was no water there. Everyone heard Naruto hit the bottom hard, then they heard him struggling. Sakura had meant to tell him that that well had dried up a long time ago.
"Drop and roll! Drop and roll!" was all they heard echoing out of the well, until it finally went quiet. Naruto's head popped out, looking at them all. The flowers were peeling off him one by one as he dizzily threw himself outside, lying on the floor, covered in burns and flower petals.
Everyone stared at him quietly, then suddenly burst out in laughter. Even Shino, Neji, and Sasuke were seen to have smirks on their faces. Gaara was in fact trembling slightly, as though he was laughing, but his mouth wasn't moving. Naruto looked at them, feigning anger.
"H-Hey! That was really scary for me!" he said in mock anger, unable to hide the smile creeping into the side of his mouth. 'Everyone seems to be back to normal now. Much better!'
"Man, Naruto, you're such an idiot!" Chouji bellowed between laughs.
"That had to be one of the most stupidest things I've ever seen," Shikamaru commented, trying to sound indifferent but failing miserably.
The girls were giggling away happily, and Naruto couldn't help but feel a bit better. Until he tried to get up, and realized that his limbs were really sore from the burns.
Naruto attempted to limp off, but found it too difficult.
"You okay, Naruto?" Sakura asked.
"Of course I'm okay!" Naruto said, painfully flexing one of his arms, a grimace on his face. "I just need to soak out a bit and I'll be as good as new!"
After watching his attempts to scamper off fail once again, Ino stepped to his side and pulled his arm over her shoulder, surprising everyone, Naruto especially.
"I-Ino?" Naruto said with a tone of surprise. "Y-You don't have to help me, you know."
"Relax, idiot," Ino said with a smirk. "Let's just say your little trick gave me an idea, and I'm just paying you back."
Ino had in fact found the selection and arrangement of Naruto's flowers to be quite elegant if you excluded Naruto from the picture, and she decided that when she got back home she would try to turn herself into a beautiful human bouquet of flowers, and throw herself on Boxer-sama in her proclamation of love.
"Gave you an idea?" Naruto repeated in confusion. "…Well, whatever. Thanks, Ino!"
Ino stumbled away with Naruto as they headed for the nearest stream, leaving the rest to wait for Tsunade and the other Jounins.
Ino and Naruto managed to find an empty, secluded lake by Konoha Mountain, and Ino let Naruto down by the water and turned around.
"What's with you?" Naruto asked curiously. Ino didn't turn back to him, but her face was red.
"Idiot, you're going to take off your clothes, aren't you? I don't want to see you naked!"
"Ehh? Not even a little bit?" Naruto teased, posing sexily as he rubbed himself. "Mmmm… My body is so good, Ino!"
"Ew, you're going to make me sick!" Ino replied hotly, her voice cracking from the embarrassment. "J-Just hurry up and do what you're going to do!"
"Okay, okay!" Naruto said with a hearty laugh, removing his clothes and gear and tossing them to the ground, inches away from Ino's feet. His final piece of clothing, his heart-patterned boxers, fell on top of the pile, leaving Naruto stark naked. Once again Naruto had let his guard down, as he innocently splashed into the water, not realizing he had left his boxers visible. Luckily, Ino wanted to keep her back to him while he was naked.
Naruto splashed water over his burns, the Kyuubi's power having already faded most of it. He looked up at Ino, who seemed to be thinking deeply.
"Hey Ino, what're you thinking about?" Naruto asked curiously as he swam through the water childishly.
"Nothing much…" Ino said. She smiled thoughtfully. "Okay, so it is kind of important I guess – the whole Boxer-sama thing. I mean, if we do the wrong thing, we could put the whole village in danger."
Naruto's eyes hardened for a moment. "…Then wouldn't it be safer to just let Boxer-sama die?"
Ino made a huffing sound, and Naruto guessed that she was frowning. "How can you say such a thing? Do you think it's fair to let someone die for us?"
"O-Of course not! I'm just saying…" Naruto moved to his feet, standing in the middle of the lake. "…I'm sure he doesn't mind giving his life for this village if it'll save them."
"That's not the point you idiot!" Ino scolded. "It's just… It's…"
Naruto looked at her curiously as she struggled for words.
"I don't want to have a war here in Konoha… But I don't want Boxer-sama to die…" she said sadly. "He shouldn't have to die for us…"
Naruto looked at her with a weak smile. 'Heh, I bet if they wanted the head of 'Naruto', people would let them have it without a second thought.'
Naruto moved over to the edge of the lake, standing behind Ino. He cupped his hands and dipped it into the water. And then…
SPLASH!
"BAHAHHAA, YOU DIDN'T EVEN SEE IT COMING!" Naruto taunted loudly. Ino spun around, soaked all over and incredibly pissed.
"Naruto, you jerk! I'm going to kick your ass!" she yelled in fury as she charged into the water after him, no longer caring that he was naked. She tackled him into the water, grabbing his arms in frustration and shaking him violently.
Naruto smiled broadly, his head still bobbing up and down quickly.
"Isn't… This… Kind… Of… Ino… Much… Better…?"
Ino suddenly stopped shaking him, Naruto's eyes spinning. She looked at him, her cheeks red.
"W-What did you just say?" Ino asked, thinking she misheard. Naruto looked up at her, smiling brightly.
"That's a decision you should leave to Boxer-sama! It's not like you to be so glum! Normally you're so open and uncaring! That's the Ino we know and love!" Naruto smiled and pointed at his chest. "See? Even though I'm naked you didn't care at all!"
Ino's face slowly but surely began to turn deep red. Her eyes were slowly moving down Naruto's body, reaching his neck, then his chest, his stomach, and…
"Iyaaa! Pervert!" Ino screamed, punching Naruto in the face and running out of the water in a hurry. She ran back to where she was standing before, hopping over Naruto's clothes and not seeing his boxers lying on the top in her haste.
"What is it? What?" Naruto asked. He looked down and squeaked slightly. "W-Whoops… Uh… I didn't mean to! It did it by itself!"
Ino still wasn't looking at him, her face still crimson red. She could hear Naruto behind him, his comments causing her to blush even deeper.
"C-Come on! Get down, you!" She heard a slight slapping sound, followed by a yelp. "That hurt, dammit! Just go down!"
"G-God, Naruto! Just put your clothes on and let's go!" Ino said in annoyance. 'My gosh, the first one I've ever seen was Naruto's…' she thought to herself.
(If you don't get this joke, trust me, you're better off that way)
"Right, okay!" Naruto said with a cheeky grin. "As long as you stay the way you are."
"Anything, just put your clothes on!" Ino said angrily. But what Naruto didn't see was the smile that rose onto her face.
Naruto stepped out and began to put on his boxers, clumsily trying his best to do it while standing. This turned out to be a bad idea, as just as he managed to pull them up properly, he tripped, landing face first into Ino's surprisingly soft, petite butt. Ino yelped in surprise as the two crashed to the ground, Naruto's head still on top of Ino's buns.
"N-Naruto?" she stuttered frantically.
"Wow, what's this soft thing my head landed on?" Naruto wondered, his eyes closed wonderingly as he rubbed it with his hand. Ino moaned quietly, surprised by the sensation on her behind. Then Naruto began to pinch it curiously, causing Ino to moan slightly louder.
"Na… Naruto… S-Stop… Ah…"
"Hm? What's wrong with you, Ino?" Naruto asked, finally opening his eyes to look at her. He looked down at his hand, noticing it pinching Ino's butt-cheek tightly. He shouted in surprise, crawling away from her hurriedly. "S-Sorry, accident! I swear!"
Ino looked up at him with an embarrassed and slightly peeved face, but it changed dramatically when her eyes fell down to his shorts. She gasped, raising her hand to her mouth. Naruto looked down at his boxers, then back up at Ino, gulping in despair.
'Crap, how do I talk my way out of this one?' Naruto thought to himself frantically.
"N-Naruto… Those boxers are…" Ino gasped for words, staring incredulously at Naruto. 'He couldn't be… But he's wearing the boxers! What else could it mean?'
Naruto hurriedly jumped up and moved quick as lightning, grabbed his clothes, and pulling his pants on quickly. He jumped up and stood in front of Ino, thinking of how to explain.
"S-So? W-What'd you think of my, uh… Make-you-think-I'm-wearing-boxers-when-I'm-not-really no Jutsu?" Naruto blurted out, thinking of the first excuse to come to his head. "I made it up along with the Uzumaki no Jutsu! Yeah, that's what I did!"
"R-Really…?" Ino stuttered. She looked at him curiously. "F-For a second there, I thought you were-"
"NO!" Naruto yelled out, crossing his arms into an X. "I'm not! It was just an illusion technique!"
"Ah…" Ino took a deep breath, then looked at him with a smile. "Yeah, you're right! It'd be weird if you were!" she giggled, playfully shoving a half-naked Naruto in the chest, except it wasn't as weak as she intended, sending Naruto onto the floor. "Oops! Sorry, sorry!" Ino apologized, kneeling down beside him with her hands clapped together in apology.
Naruto looked up at her, rubbing his chest with a nervous grin. 'Well, at least she doesn't seem to suspect me anymore.'
'Naruto, you idiot, I know that wasn't any Jutsu,' Ino thought to herself, smiling slightly. 'This means that you're obviously-'
"There you guys are!"
Sakura interrupted her thoughts, as she came bounding down to them in a hurry. Naruto and Ino looked up at her curiously.
"What's up, Sakura?"
"They made a decision!" Sakura said seriously. "You guys have to come back! Now!"
They noted her serious demeanor, and chose to do as she said. Naruto quickly threw his clothes and gear back on, and they headed back for Tsunade's.
Everyone had gathered with Tsunade and the Jounins, all looking serious and thoughtful. Naruto and the girls bounded in, panting slightly in their haste. Jiraiya looked at Naruto, a somewhat pale look on his face.
"You guys finally arrived," Kakashi commented, looking at them with his dull eye. "Jiraiya absolutely insisted we do not hear anything until you three got back."
"R-Really?" Naruto stuttered nervously, scratching the back of his head. "W-Wonder why?"
"Anyway, everyone pay attention," Tsunade called out. "We've made a decision on what to do with the 'Boxer-sama' incident… Well, something of a decision," she mumbled at the end.
Everyone noticed the Jounins that were involved in the meeting having a somewhat distasteful face. Except for the girls, who seemed to be slightly worried.
"Everyone, what I'm about to tell you is to be kept quiet. Very quiet. Spies could be anywhere. If anyone tells a soul…" She lifted up one of her sleeves and flexed her arm, causing a mountain of a bicep to bulge out. "… They're going to end up in a small 'accident'."
Everyone flinched noticeably, including the Jounins.
"As you all know, Itachi's grandfather was working with the Akatsuki, and now they're pretty pissed off at Boxer-sama, and are willing to take down all of Konoha in response. They gave us the chance to give up Boxer-sama's head to them in exchange for the village's safety."
"Isn't the choice obvious then?" Shikamaru said gruffly. "Just let them have him. We have to think of the village before anything else." The boys nodded in agreement.
"No way!" Sakura, Ino, Tenten, and Temari yelled simultaneously, causing Shikamaru to draw back slightly.
"Calm down, all of you!" Tsunade instructed. "This is part of the reason I couldn't just order the death of Boxer-sama. It would effectively tear the village apart. If we don't kill him, the men will be pissed. If we do, the women will be pissed. So we've had to change plans a little bit."
"W-What kind of plans?" Naruto asked worriedly. He wasn't really sure what he wanted to hear: either he would start a war, or die. Neither sounded very good.
Tsunade sighed. "Jiraiya insisted that we give Boxer-sama a chance to make things right. I highly disagree with it, but I can't risk starting a civil dispute. So, we've made a plan."
Shizune, Kurenai, Anko, and Jiraiya stepped forward to stand by Tsunade.
"We've got a new S-rank mission that Boxer-sama is to begin as soon as possible. Spies have reported that Itachi and the other Akatsuki members have set up a small encampment nearby, obviously preparing to move against us if we don't give them Boxer-sama. Boxer-sama will have to head for the encampment and defeat the Akatsuki there."
Everyone stared at her blankly.
"WHAT?" they yelled.
"Is that even possible?" Shikamaru said strictly. "They're a group that have some of the most powerful ninjas ever! There's no way Boxer-sama could beat them!"
"He can't defeat my brother," Sasuke said, going into 'angst' mode. "Only I can defeat my brother."
"Yeah, yeah," Shikamaru said, waving Sasuke away. "We've heard it a hundred times. Of course you can beat him, ever after he beat you to a brain-dead pulp the last time you met." Shikamaru then added sarcastically "It's not like we doubt you or anything."
Sasuke remembered his complete defeat, and grumbled in annoyance, glaring daggers at Shikamaru. "Asshole."
"W-Wait!" Naruto called out, catching everyone's attention.
"What is it, Naruto?" Tsunade asked enquiringly.
Naruto looked down at the ground seriously. "Well, you're saying you want Boxer-sama to beat the Akatsuki, right? Well, I'm pretty sure he can't do it alone. Wouldn't it be easier to just let them have his head?"
Jiraiya looked at Naruto in urgency. "N-Naruto! What are you saying?"
"We could just kill Boxer-sama in private! We don't have to tell anyone!" Naruto explained quickly. "Then we can just make up an excuse, like saying Boxer-sama retired, or maybe he left the village!"
Everyone glared at Naruto incessantly.
"N-Naruto?" Ino questioned. "Why do you want to let him die so badly? And I thought… From earlier…"
"F-From earlier?" Naruto swore silently. 'Does she know?'
"…I thought you were a fan!"
Naruto fell to the floor in surprise.
"Naruto, what the hell are you saying?" Jiraiya yelled angrily. "You saying you want 'Boxer-sama' to die?"
Naruto looked down with a stern expression. "If it's for the safety of the village… Then anything should be worth it. And I think Boxer-sama would agree."
Naruto knew that he didn't stand a chance against the Akatsuki. If he lost, they would just head for Konoha. He didn't want to take that chance.
"You know, Naruto does have a pretty decent idea there," Tsunade commented. "It would probably work out."
"No!" Jiraiya said in frustration. He glanced at Naruto. "I know Boxer-sama can beat them! Especially since I'm planning to give him special training!"
"S-Special training?" Naruto repeated with surprise. The words were like music to his ears. "W-Wait, yeah! Let's let Boxer-sama fight the Akatsuki so I can get my… I mean, so Boxer-sama can get his special training!"
Tsunade glared at Naruto in confusion. "First you say one thing, then the other? What's with you, Naruto?"
Naruto grinned, shrugging. "Who knows? I guess I'm just indecisive!" Inside, Naruto's head was completely cleared of doubts and worries, only focused on one thing.
'SPECIAL TRAINING! OH YEAH!'"W-Well, anyway," Tsunade continued. "I guess we're going ahead with the plan then. Shizune, Anko, Kurenai, and Jiraiya all volunteered to accompany Boxer-sama and fight the Akatsuki with him. I'd send a few more ninjas, but nobody else seems to want to do it."
The Genin girls all made for Tsunade, but she raised her hand in front of them. "No, Genins are not allowed to go. It's too dangerous."
"B-But Boxer-sama!" they whined pleadingly.
"Forget it," Sasuke said to them coolly. "He's going to die there anyway. My brother will definitely kill him. Because only I can beat him, as I am…" he paused dramatically. "… An avenger!"
"Oh no, he's going to do it again…" Shikamaru grumbled.
"Oh crap, here we go…" Neji muttered under his breath.
"Look out, he's going to start again…" Sakura said with a sigh.
"I guess we should put them on," Kakashi said, taking something out of his pocket.
Everyone sighed, pulling out earplugs and sticking them in their ears. Everyone except Lee, Gaara, Kankurou, and Temari, who had no idea what was going on.
"What is it? What is he doing?" Lee asked curiously. Realizing nobody was paying attention to him, he flared out in childhood passion. "SOMEBODY EXPLAIN!"
Naruto tossed them some earplugs, sticking some into his own ears. "You'll understand, just put those on if you don't want to be talked to death by angst."
Lee, still confused, put his earplugs on, and just in time, as Sasuke was about to begin.
"He is the cause of all my problems, all my sorrows. He killed my entire family and took away everything I loved. And then after massacring my parents, he let me live. And he told me to 'hate him, despise him, and live in an unsightly manner'!"
Sasuke spoke while dishing out an assortment of angsty poses. His speech continued with all the phrases that everyone had heard numerous times. To counteract Sasuke's stupid angst speech, they had all decided to carry earplugs with them, as they knew once he started, he would keep on going until he mentioned every little thing. His habit to announce his avenger role was as bad as Itachi's habit to tell people to loathe him.
"…And so I trained every day after that, with the sole purpose of beating my brother, it's the only reason I live…"
Seven hours later
"… And that is why my brother will definitely kill Boxer-sama," Sasuke concluded. He had his back to them the whole time, in an attempt to look angsty. So when he turned around, he was surprised to find everyone asleep on the ground. He grumbled in annoyance, shaking uncontrollably.
"Seriously, I hate you all."
After everyone woke up, it had become pretty late. Tsunade informed them that Boxer-sama was going to leave the next night, leaving Jiraiya a full day to train Boxer-sama with his 'special training'. Jiraiya didn't want to waste any time, and had grabbed Naruto and they left as soon as everyone else had gone home. Jiraiya pulled Naruto along with him, grumbling in frustration.
"Naruto, you idiot, you have any idea how hard it was to convince Tsunade to let you fight the Akatsuki?" Jiraiya said angrily. "It was hard enough getting her to not want to kill Boxer-sama, let alone getting her to let him fight!"
"Come on, Ero-sennin, relax!" Naruto said playfully. "It'll work out in the end, right? I just said that 'cause…" he smiled weakly, shining a strange aura of wisdom "… I thought I was going to lose. But after I get your training, I can beat them, right?"
Naruto's aura returned to normal as he grinned widely at Jiraiya.
Jiraiya looked at the young blonde boy, then sighed, unable to stay angry at him. He looked away from Naruto, and smiled slightly. 'Haha, you're not the kind of person to think you'd lose, Naruto. I can see it in you: you said that to try and save the village.'
"Hey, Ero-sennin? What's with you?" Naruto asked, squinting at the aged man. "You're spacing out."
"Nothing, Naruto, nothing!" Jiraiya laughed. "You should be more worried about my training!"
Naruto grinned from ear to ear. "I'm ready for whatever you've got for me!"
"Good. After your Kage Bunshin made the news, I thought it was time for you to get some new moves. We've only got a day, so I'll have to work you dry!"
"Yoush! Let's do it!"
END CHAPTER 8
A/N: I felt
there could've been more jokes in this chapter, but I guess I had
to take a few out for the storyline. So instead, I'll add in a
little bonus skit that I thought up that doesn't seem to have a
spot in the fic. So for those of you looking for a final laugh, here
it is. Think of it as something happening elsewhere to a lonely man
who didn't have a spot on the fic… Well, not yet, anyway.
Ibiki sat cross-legged, his eyes shut in concentration. In front of him lay four small, bullet-like pieces of cotton. Suddenly, his eyes shot open, his hands reaching out and grabbing the farthest two pieces of cotton. He raised them to his ears, stuffing them in snugly. Then he picked up the remaining two, stuffing them into his nostrils.
He took a quick look around, making sure nobody was there to see what he was about to do. Satisfied that he was alone, Ibiki took a deep, strong breath, then pursed his lips, his cheeks filling with air. He raised his hands to his head, taking off his forehead protector to reveal his hole ridden head. He raised his hands elegantly above his head, and then…
'Whoo-Wh-Wh-Whoooo-Whoo-Whooooo-Who-Whoooooooo…'Yes, All those days Morino Ibiki hadn't been seen, (or all those episodes/chapters) Ibiki was learning to play what must have been the most unique instrument in the world.
His head.
His strange cranial music flooded the room, leaving a strange sense of disgustingly weird harmony. That is, until he was interrupted by Iruka.
"Hey Ibiki, I was sent to call you. They need you to…" he trailed off, his mouth freezing as soon as he heard and saw what Ibiki was doing. He stared at Ibiki, with cotton coming out of his ears and nose, complete with puffed cheeks, his eyes crossing in concentration and his cheeks flushed red. Ibiki's eyes slowly crept up to Iruka, staring at him blankly..
"This… Must be a bad time…" Iruka said, slowly stepping back out of the room. "…You just… Keep on doing… Whatever it is you're doing."
"Wait, Iruka!" Ibiki yelled. "It's not what you think! I can explain!"
Iruka stopped walking for a moment, smiling nervously. "Um, I think it'd be better if you didn't explain."
Well, that was lame. But hey, Ibiki's head looked like an ocarina to me.