When I Close My Eyes

by BluestBunnie

After X3.Logan visits Rogue one night and finds out the 'cure' has worn off.Will she learn to control her mutation?Will Logan learn to control his feelings for her?What happens when good'ol Remy pays a visit?And what's become of the Botherhood?

5. Not Goodbye But So Long

Oh just to let ya'll know I know Logan doesn't have his camper anymore since it was blown up in the first movie, but lets pretend he does.

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Chapter 5: Not Good Bye, but So Long

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When I woke up I took in the sweet smell of Marie and I became excited, she really did come sleep with me last night, it wasn't a dream. But when I opened my eyes my excitement quickly became disappointment. The spot next to me smelled strongly of her, but she wasn't there. I blinked a couple time adjusting to the sun light in my room and laid there for a while. My ears tingled when I heard a song being hummed, it was a familiar song that I've heard before, maybe on TV or something, but I couldn't figure out what it was. But I knew Marie was humming it. At first I thought it was all in my head, but then realized it wasn't when I heard a splash coming from my bathroom. A wide grin spread across my face and I jumped out of bed and walked over to the bathroom, the door was open so I peeked inside.

Her leg with the white cast on it was dangling outside of the tub while the rest of her soaked in what look like a very comfortable bubble bath. She continued to hum her song not seeing me watching her. My face got warm as I watched her wash herself and I stepped back feeling perverted. I wanted to talk to her so badly though, apologize, but at the same time I was afraid that she wouldn't want to talk to me. I had let her down too many times, there was no way she would want to be around me anymore after what happened last night. I sighed and trying my best to resist turning around to talk to her, I left to go outside for some fresh air.

I couldn't get her off my mind, when I lite my cigar I thought of her, reminded myself that I needed to get her those vanilla kind. When I sat down next the water fountain we had played in the other night, I thought of her. When I looked at the green grass I thought of her, her eyes... No matter how hard I tried I couldn't think about anything else for long without her invading me. I wonder if this is how she feels after absorbing someone.

I tried to think of how I would apologize to her. Should I beg her to still be my friend, or should I leave a note for her and leave the mansion again? Would she let me talk to her, or would she even read the note? Well, I wouldn't beg anyway, I already shattered my pride sobbing over her last night. A note wouldn't be any better either, only taking the cowardly way out.

I kept telling myself that of course she would forgive me, she did sleep in my bed last night. If she didn't want to be with me she would have gone to her own room, hell she would have just stayed in the infirmary. I clung to that hope. But then I told myself I couldn't keep letting her get hurt like this, what if she'd be better off without me? I've promised something to her that I can't keep and I feel like an ass for breaking it.

What I thought next I had been trying to avoid for a while but finally gave in to it. What if she found out that I think such dirty thoughts about her? What if she comes to sleep in my bed again and I can't control myself? She'd probably sap the life right out of me and than spit on my grave. And what was really scaring me wasn't just the dirty thoughts of her, it was the feelings I felt when I was close to her. My body would get hot and my heart skip and I felt other things I haven't felt before. This is a good example, here I am obsessing over what I'm gonna say to her, I've never put this much thought into what I'm gonna say to some bitch. Well, of course Marie isn't a bitch, but you get what I'm sayin'.

Anyway, I've never felt like this before, maybe she put a spell on me or something. I mean, this is ridiculous, it's almost as if I am falling in...oh shit. No, I refuse to say the word. Fuck I must have hit my head really hard last night, there is no possible way Marie and I could ever be together that way. Besides how would I know what ... that word ... feels like anyway. I'm really startin' to think that I need to be away from her for a while, straighten things out a bit in my head, remind myself that this is untouchable, young ... sexy... Rogue. Okay, yeah, I'm gonna take my beaten up truck and head back to Canada for a couple of days, get away from it all.

I waited for a while lost in thoughts until I figured it was safe to go back inside without being noticed. Most the students were in their classes so I managed to get around without being approached. As I neared my door I couldn't pick up Marie's scent so I went inside to pack, but first I walked into the bathroom, taking in her aroma she left behind. I couldn't help myself, I loved that my bathroom and my bed smelled of her. I shouldn't, but I do.

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Ah had only been asleep for a few hours but knew I needed to be up and back in the infirmary before Dr. McCoy or Storm arrived, so ah carefully and very slowly inched out from underneath Logan's heavy arms. Ah managed to do that without him waking up but forgetting that my leg was in a cast ah slipped right out from under my feet as soon as I got out of the bed and landed straight onto my ass. Logan moaned and turned, but didn't wake.

Relieved ah made my way to his bathroom for a much needed bubble bath. Ah left the door open so he wouldn't stumble in unaware of me if he were to wake up. Ah yawned and took off the thin hospital gown and threw it away, then started the bath. Surprisingly it didn't wake him, he must have been really tired if he couldn't hear me struggling to get in the bath without letting my cast get wet, my skin skidding up against the slippery tub producing squeaking sounds.

As ah sat there soaking in his tub I tried to remember everythin' that had happened last night. There was a blank spot in my mind somewhere between waking up and seeing my leg, and then waking up again in the middle of the road with Logan holding me. Ah remembered tasting him on my lips, what had happened? And what was really bothering me was how ah had healed him. Ah must have absorbed more of him than ah thought, but it still didn't make sense that I could heal him but not myself. Racking my tired brain ah tried to put the pieces together but nothing that would make any little bit of sense of this came to mind. Nothing was making any sense lately. Ah wasn't figuring anything out, only irritating myself, so I started to hum a tune I had heard somewhere. Ah didn't remember where I had heard it before, but it put me in a better mood as I hummed it and washed myself.

A few minutes later ah heard Logan shuffle around in his bed and than sensed him as he made his way to the doorway of the bathroom. Ah blushed and continued to hum, not wanting him to know ah knew he was there. Ah wanted him to see me, want me. Ah felt him look me over for a while and then he disappeared, closing his bedroom door quietly behind him. Ah stopped humming and began to regret letting him find me naked in his tub. What was ah thinking? Ah probably just made him feel very uncomfortable, I may be twenty-two but he still saw me as a kid, still called me 'kid.' His voice echoed the word in my head.

What was ah trying to accomplish by flirting with him? It was only going to drive him away from me. My eyes burned as I felt tears straining to release themselves but none came, ah had let them run dry last night. Ah needed him more than ever now, the last thing I want is to scare him away. Why was ah even flirting with him to begin with? Ah've always cared about him differently than anyone else, but was my flirting becoming more than just 'flirting'? Was ah becoming more attached to him, could he tell? Did ah want the flirting with him to become more than what it was? Ah sighed and cursed myself for whatever I might have said in the bar last night. Ah prayed that ah didn't say or do anything that would turn him away.

Ah attempted to climb out of his tub as quickly as possible, not wanting to be here anymore, but fell and ah landed side ways on the floor, all my body weight landing on my casted leg. Ah yelped in pain and clenched my jaw while trying to prop myself back up again to get dressed. All of the sudden ah felt exposed and uncomfortable being naked in his bathroom.

As ah rushed into the bedroom and grabbed a shirt from his dresser and put it on inside out. Ah limped back to the bathroom for the pair of green shorts ah had and struggled to get them over my cast and all of the sudden ah broke down. A few tears broke free and were hot and stung as they rolled down my cheeks. Finally getting dressed and begging to leave the bathroom ah slipped on the wet tile hitting my shoulder against the door way and cursed loudly. Ah needed a cigarette, cigar, drink, anything to soothe me.

Ah never have seen where he hides his cigars but the Wolverine in my head told me they were in his nightstand. Shaking ah fumbled through the cabinet in his nightstand, my hand sliding past a photo. Ah picked it up and when ah looked at it, all of my tears that ah thought I'd already cried away managed to escape, and my chest stung with pain. Ah felt incredibly awkward and regretted more than even for even thinking about Logan as more than just a friend. Glancing in his mirror ah saw myself, damp tangled hair, a thick bandage plastered onto my neck, a wreck of girl, and ah dropped the small photo of the pretty red headed doctor, grabbed a cigar, and rushed out of his room.

Just when ah thought things couldn't get any more awkward ah spotted Bobby, only a few feet away from me and Logan's room. At first he looked at me with a painful look on his face, but followed it up quickly with a glare. Ah just stood there, a speechless wreck, as he stared me down.
"I knew you'd be in there," he paused, " first I go to the sick bay to check on you, and you're not there, then I go to your room..."
"Bobby--" He cut me off raising his voice.
"But of course you aren't there! Where else would you be I thought. And what do you know, I find you leaving your new boyfriend's bedroom." "Bobby ah'm not in the mood for this." "Why? Are you too worn out from spending the night with your new boyfriend? Looks like it to me, you can't even put your shirt on right." His words were harsh and ah choked back the remaining tears ah had left. He walked closer to me, his eyes saddening a bit.
"I should have known."
"Bobby, ah don't want to talk about this..."
"I should have expected this, you running off with your knight and shinning claws. I just thought you were better than this Rogue, I care...cared about you so much but you've changed since you've gotten the cure. Now you can touch who really want to, you only used me for whatever reasons while Logan was gone."
"That's not it, ah didn't use you and ah'm not with Logan the way you think ah am."
"Do you think I'm stupid Rogue? You've been in love with him since I met you, carrying around his dog tags, rushing to the front door every time you hear a noise that even sounds like his motorcycle." He no longer sounded angry, just sad. His words pierced through me and my heart sank. "Ah-ah'm not in love with him, ah didn't want it to be this way..." He shook his head and began to walk off.
"I don't think I can be your friend anymore Rogue." He said as he continued down the hall.
"Bobby..."

At this moment ah hoped someone, anyone else inside my head would act out and give me their thoughts, hiding mine away, but ah was left with my own now, not Cody's, Eric's, John's or Logan's, but my own feelings of guilt, shame, and heartbreak.

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I threw a few shirts in my green duffle bag and a pair of jeans. Looking around to see if I had forgotten anything I spotted Marie's green shirt peeking out from underneath the bed. I picked it up, her scent still on it, and placed it in my bag. I sat down on my bed to get my thoughts to together, figure out how to word my good-bye to her when I spotted something lying on the floor near my nightstand. I reached down to pick it up, it was photo of Jean that I had hidden away in the cabinet of my nightstand.

I looked at it for a minute, wondering how it ended up on the floor. I opened the cabinet and saw that one of my cigars was missing, it must have fallen out while Marie was digging around for a smoke. I took a good long stare at it and crumbled it up and threw it in my waste basket. I knew I didn't need it anymore, I knew that I had gotten over Jean somehow, someway, and it would be pointless to keep it any longer.
I had more important things to worry about, like how I was going to say good-bye to Marie. Where would I go in Canada, and how long would I stay? I suppose however long it took to clear my head, where I'd go, I'd probably figure that out on the trip up.

What to say to Marie? The word 'Good-bye' seemed too much as if I weren't coming back. I'll just tell her I need a vacation from the X-men and that she better be waiting here for me when I get back. No, she won't believe that. Perhaps I'll tell her an old friend needs my help. Nah, she knows I don't got any friends back in Canada anymore. I'll just tell her I'm going off to find her a present, she'd like that. No,no,no I can't do that. I'll spend the whole trip trying to find her the perfect gift when I'm supposed to be clearing my head.

Shit, why can't I just tell her the truth? Why am I even putting so much thought into this? She knows why I've left before, she knows I can't stay in one place for long, why would she care anyway? Why do I care? I mean I never liked seeing her disappointed when I've left before but...I know, when I get back I'll take her traveling with me to all the places she wants to go. She did say she wanted to travel. That's what I'll do, I'll tell her I just need some time to think about where I want to take her when I get back.

Okay now that I'm done racking my brain with that, I guess I'll go see if she's in the infirmary.

When I began to get close I saw Bobby Drake walking off in the other direction not noticing me. He should really go freeze himself in his bedroom and leave Marie alone while she recovers. I know, I'll take him to Canada with him and leave him in the snow where he belongs. Why does he piss me off so much?

I was about to enter the infirmary myself but I smelled cigar coming up from behind me. It was Marie, and for some unknown reason I found myself hiding around the corner. Just fucking great, why can't I get this over with instead of drawing it out even longer. I watched her as she limped with her head down, her hair blocking my view of her face, into the infirmary. I waited for a minute or too and stood outside the door listening, eves dropping. Again, for some unknown reason. I've been doing a lot of things I don't understand lately.

"Rogue, Dr. McCoy and I were worried about you, you shouldn't have left last night." Storm spoke.
"Ah'm sorry." Marie said half heatedly. Her voice sounded sad and weak.
"How are feeling? You don't look too well."
"Ah... Ah'm fine, just a little tired..."
"Before Dr. McCoy gets back I need to talk to you about something, why don't you have a seat?"
I could sense Marie tense up and heard the cot squeak as she sat down.
"A couple of the students here as well as me are a bit concerned about you...and Logan."

Me? What the hell?

"W-what do you mean?"
"I know myself that you have been staying in his room quite frequently, and then students found you two sleeping in the Library together, and I have to say that it is worrying me."

My chest rumbled bringing a small growl from my throat, I knew what she was getting at.

"Storm, ah don't understand what you're telling me." Marie squeaked.
"Rogue, Logan is a grown man and I disapprove of you sleeping in his room. Not only because of his age, but I wouldn't want any of the students staying with the opposite sex over night. I'm going to have to ask you to stay away from him for a while."

I was biting my lip to keep from growling any louder and it started to bleed. I felt like something very important was being taken away from me, and I felt angry at Storm for denying Marie and my rights. The part of me that clung to hope that Marie would still want to be my friend after all that has happened knew she wouldn't let this happen, but the rest of me feared that perhaps Marie didn't need me to protect her anymore, since I've done such a fabulous job at it, so why would she bother to argue with Storm? I wish she would though.

"Ah'm grown women too Storm, if you haven't forgotten ah am twenty-two"
"Yes, Rogue I am aware of that, but it looks bad and I would appreciate it if you and Logan took a break from each other. I don't want to assume the worse, but you haven't given me any reason not to, I'm going to have to ask you to stay apart for yours and his reputation as X-men. I'm sorry, but I think it will be only for the best for both of you"
"Ah haven't slept with him if that's what you think. Logan doesn't feel that way about me..."

I don't? Yeah, right, of course I don't.

"That's relieving, but will agree with me on this?"

Don't Marie, it doesn't matter what she thinks. We've been together from the begging, don't let it end now, over this. I'm sorry I didn't protect you, but I'll be lost without you, don't agree to this. Fight for us. I mouthed my thoughts, almost spoke them, as I listened intently.

"Okay..." Marie said emotionless.

...No. Her remark hit me hard and I felt sick to my stomach. The hopes I had clung to shattered, she didn't care about me anymore. Of course she wouldn't stick up for us after what I've done. My sadness became anger towards myself and Storm, than I felt denial. No, Marie couldn't mean that, she's lying. She'll forgive me for letting her down, she slept in my room last night right? How could she give up on me this easily? No, no, she hasn't she doesn't mean it.

But...why? Why did she agree to this without a fight? She can't really hate me can she? Despite my mistakes we've still managed to help each other, get through tough times together, she knows that right? Should I barge in there and change her mind, tell her I'm sorry and to give me another chance?

No. This is what she wants, she doesn't need me. If she cared about me the way I do her she would have fought for us. I won't fight if she wont, if she's going to give up this easily I will too.

So I left, left without a word. All those excuses I made were just a waste of time. I wouldn't be saying good-bye, but I wasn't coming back any time soon either.

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Please let me know how I did on this chapter, I'm not completely satisfied with it, but if you like it than I'll feel a lot better about it. Thanks!

The Cure

Boys Don't Cry Lyrics

I would say I'm sorry

If I thought that it would change your mind

But I know that this time

I have said too much

Been too unkind

I try to laugh about it

Cover it all up with lies

I try and laugh about it

Hiding the tears in my eyes

Because boys don't cry

Boys don't cry

I would break down at your feet

And beg forgiveness

Plead with you

But I know that it's too late

And now there's nothing I can do

So I try to laugh about it

Cover it all up with lies

I try to laugh about it

Hiding the tears in my eyes

Because boys don't cry

I would tell you That I loved you

If I thought that you would stay

But I know that it's no use

That you've already Gone away

Misjudged your limit

Pushed you too far

Took you for granted

I thought that you needed me more

Now I would do most anything

To get you back by my side

But I just keep on laughing

Hiding the tears in my eyes

Because boys don't cry

Boys don't cry

Boys don't cry