Chapter VI:

Of hope

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What he had told Asuma and Gai was true. He still wanted to pursue Iruka. What was far from reality however was the optimism he had shown. He suspected they hadn't believe him though, but that was ok, he knew his friends, and knew they would understand… hell, they even understand him better than he did most of the time, and he really didn't need a shoulder to cry at that moment, all he really wanted to do was to heel his destroyed pride and nurse his broken spirit, and so, he needed to be alone.

A couple of hours later and Kakashi could be seen, still sitting on the same spot he had been since he made his friends go away, still sitting on the floor, his back against the bed, staring into space, not a single clear thought going through his head, his body still unable of showing his true emotions, he was numb, exhausted.

The whole day had been a horrible draining experience. He couldn't believe he had waked up to a bright sky that morning; he couldn't even remember having one in his entire life for that matter. He could not remember that so called happiness he had experienced, not today, not ever. The moment of clearness, the foolish trust he had felt were nothing more than a memory, a mockery to his current state.

He had been stupid and he now knew it, the whole pathetic display of joy was now a bitter reminder of that photo like moment.

If Kakashi was to respond what did he remember of the time he spend in the mission room that afternoon, he would say nothing, a big black nothing… a void. But truth was, that the image of Genma kissing his chuunin would never leave his memory again, the moment was like a picture, he didn't remember sounds nor smells, not even the sensations they produced in him. Just a picture, void of life and texture… plain but at the same time, inexplicably terrible.

In just a second, his merry world had changed… it was true he had never really expected his feelings to be returned; but that certainty in theory was nothing compared to the actual pain that reality threw at him. He could have never measured the hurt he would suffer. Just as he couldn't understand why his heart was so obstinate, why his very soul would leave him, if he could just by that offer, receive the faintest show of affection from the teacher… the faintest smile.

He did not understand love, but he certainly did understand pain. He had suffered it all through his life; he did also understand loss, mostly because he had always related one and the other, like two lovers melting in each other embrace. But this pain… this pain he hated. When he lost someone, he could always say goodbye and be done with it. He would miss them of course, but the thought that he could never see them again, and the finality of it all, gave him a bizarre tranquillity. But… how can anyone explain the pain that produces to be near someone, but still so far away. To know you can almost touch them, but still have to let them go. To see them happy and know you had nothing to do with it. To see them love someone, and know he isn't you. How can anyone explain how much be near someone can hurt.

Kakashi was numb; he had a lot of questions going madly against each other, fighting to be answered. He would blame, at some point, his terrible luck, just to be minutes later directing his anger at the couple… a couple… were they really an item? Could they really be? Could Iruka do that to him?

He had revised all the facts over and over again. He would say to himself sometimes, that it was impossible for Iruka to have gained such closeness with anyone without him noticing. He had, after all, been watching him all this time.

Could Iruka be so discreet? And if his intentions were indeed to hide it, why kiss Genma in front of everyone all of the sudden? Why kiss Genma in front of him? But that wasn't truth either, Iruka didn't know Kakashi was there… watching… hurting… Iruka didn't care either. That at least he knew. He didn't know if Iruka had any knowledge of him lurking around or loving him, but he sure knew Iruka didn't care…

Why would he really? Kakashi hadn't been anything but a pain in the ass for the poor chuunin, but the question was still there… Did Iruka really was that oblivious? Could he really not see? Didn't he see him that morning? But he wouldn't go there, not anymore, he had been sulking for the entire last month asking himself that, and look where that got him… treating Iruka badly, making himself miserable, allowing… allowing that to happen.

That… what was that? It seemed to Kakashi that that was the most important and urgent question to be answered right now; never mind if he saw him or not that morning, who cared if Iruka didn't like him now… that would change… he would make sure of that.

Hope sure is a disgusting little bugger, the world would be such a better place if only people could resigned to their fates some more, instead of clutching the last, faintest straw of hope they had at hand and choose to suffer rather than let go.

Iruka didn't love Genma, that was his hope, his solely motivation to keep wondering and going back to that moment; that kiss… What could it possibly mean? And then it hit him, there's only three reasons why someone would do such a public display of affection… at least he hoped.

One, at a very mushy declaration of love, which he hoped wasn't the scenario, and he could almost be sure of it, wouldn't Asuma or Gai say something? They would definitely tell him if that was the case.

The second reason is, if someone made such a terrible mistake that needed to be outdone by a very public and embarrassing not to mention humiliating apology; but that couldn't be of course, they had no time to develop a proper relationship, needless to say, they didn't have the time to screw it up either.

So then they had the third one… that bastard… the most despicable reason to do such a thing… jealousy, or better yet… to make someone jealous… and of course, he remembered now… wasn't Genma supposed to be with Raidou? Weren't they together? Last he knew, they were… oh, he was so going to kick his revolving face till the last remaining of that disgusting smirk was forever erased from it… he was going to kill that bastard.

Kakashi then stood, as quickly as humanly possible, and run to his apartment door, but then, just as he was about to turn the handle, he thought… what if Iruka is the one trying to make someone else jealous? Could that be? He never even disturbed himself with the possibility of hoping that it might be him, there was logic against that… and sadly, reality could back that up too. But at the mere thought of Iruka, all of Kakashi's killing instincts flew away… could another person possessed Iruka's love? This was getting so freaking complicated, he was rubbing his head in frustration now, and then a light came, if, as he thought and hoped, Genma was the one using his teacher, then the object at which was directed that action, would definitely need to be there… Genma was after all, quite the direct person, he wouldn't have planned that skim, he would rush into things as always; Kakashi hadn't been his captain for so long without getting to know him. So now, all of his hopes were based on that little question… was Raidou there?

He, being the unreasonable and rushed person he was when things involved Iruka, found himself on the cold street without even realizing nor caring that it was three in the morning, and no one, not even his friends, would be awake now. But the thought didn't even cross his head, he was now deciding which house he should head to… what path to take; Asuma was quickly discarded, he didn't need to be scarred for the rest of his life with images of Asuma and Kurenai holding each other, and like hell he wouldn't knock either, so the only choice he had was…

-Was Raidou there? – Kakashi had transported himself straight into the very room Gai was sleeping in, when he received no answer, he proceeded to shake the motionless body as quick and strongly as he could.

-Fuck Kakashi! I'm sleeping! – was all Gai grumbled, finally deciding to stop playing sleep, after all, what kind of ninja would he be, if he hadn't acknowledge his friend's presence?

-Was Raidou there? – Kakashi insisted, still grabbing Gai by his shoulders.

-Let go of me! – He pushed him away, but looking to the seriousness in Kakashi's eyes, he asked –Why is it important? – He rubbed his eyes, trying to look sleepy still, trying to buy some time.

-You very well know why, come on Gai, put two and two together! – Kakashi said exasperated, throwing his hands to the air.

-Firstly…- He looked at Kakashi –don't mock my math- he said with a smile, but then frowned –and secondly…- he had a serious face –I know what you're thinking, and that's a foolish thing to hold on to- but watching Kakashi's despair, after a moment he added with a sigh –Raidou was there-

Kakashi felt that the weight in his heart began to lift, and his face was bright with renew hope.

-Don't be such an arsehole- Gai fake disgust –the shining and hopeful eyes are my trade mark, now go and whip that out of your face, before I do it myself.

-Sure sunshine, I'll let you have your beauty sleep- said Kakashi with a smirk

Gai threw a shuriken at him, but it flew right through the image of a waving Kakashi, and before realizing he had done the seals, his friend was gone.

After all, Kakashi had some planning to do.

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Author's note: did I take long? I think I'm actually doing a very good job at updating don't you think?

I've been trying to answer the reviews but fanfiction sometimes gets slow, and even after I send them, a page appears saying (to me at least) that they might not been send, so.

Thanks to the people that reviewed!

I'm a bit disappointed that CuriousDreamWeaver didn't leave a review last chapter, so this ranting is for you: you don't break a chain like ours just because! Haha sorry, but you basically represent the fifth part of my population of readers so… and I'm a bit of a cabalistic girl here : D I liked all of your reviews before, and thank you for reading my "work", so even if you get scared of me and decide to leave me forever, I thanked you.

Paraguay didn't get the points needed to pass… I felt so sorry for them, and you are right Snow887, even if I do love Brazilians(they, along with Mexicans, are at the top of my list of favourite people), well, I think they should "pass the torch" and let someone else feel the glory T o T . Who do you think should win?

And just because I feel that story was my best / wink / I'm recommending it to you. I felt sort of let down that not many people leaved me a review, so I'm sending you to read it again!

Read: Left behind! kakaIru too

Oh oh, before I forget, thanks to ERM who gave me the idea to include Raidou, so if there's anyone to blame for that… you know who to look for people! and Xelloss100 I'll do KakashiIruka soon! and now that I think of it... they haven't talk yet have they? oh wait, the incident...