Chapter VII:
Pride
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I do not own anything... and... Yey! the longest chapter yet! sorry for how late I updated though... oh, also sorry for gramatical mistakes, too tired to care.
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He stared for a while; words he wished to speak choking him.
Ever so slowly his eyes begun to close, maybe… if only…
-I love you… I-
He let the air held in his lungs finally leave. Kakashi was trembling; cold drops of sweat forming on his forehead. Why was it so difficult? With a resigned sigh he dropped his head, not daring to look at the man in front of him, finally, after silence filled the room his head raised, and he discovered mismatched eyes staring back.
…a mirror… he couldn't even do it in front of a mirror…
A week had passed since the unpleasant incident… which he rather remained forgotten. A week and he couldn't even form the words that could express his feelings… seven days and he hadn't seen him.
At this point, he had left behind all sort of weird and crazy plans… Genma was still there, no matter how much he detest it; Raidou might have help him, but when all things came to and end, all he could really do was to confess… and when came to that conclusion, all he tried was for his little speech to be perfect.
How many times have he recited his impossible big love and eternal adoration in words that, if anything, seemed only to annoy his audience… reason why he was alone now… Gai was rather impatient when things didn't concern him and Asuma, well, Asuma was just an inconsiderate bastard, honestly, after years of friendship one would think he could at least lend an understanding ear… of course, he was willing to admit that Asuma trying to chop his ears out and leave them at his house with a rough 'there' was a bit funny and uplifting.
Kakashi laughed at his last thought, his friends were really something; he looked at his reflection once more and decided this couldn't help him… at least not today, he turned his back on the mirror and walked out of the bathroom turning the lights off, crossed the space on his apartment that would be called a living room except that it lacked everything a living room should have and ended his tour at the bedroom, it was late at night after all… he sighed loudly and let himself fall on the bed, he remained still a few seconds then adjusted his position to look at his ceiling making a pillow of his entwined hands, an image appearing on the white void, nothing new there.
Kakashi didn't like to think he was a masochist, as his friends had put it. He couldn't fathom the idea of anyone rejoicing on the pain of loving someone… well, the pain of not being love back more accurately. He had to admit he had fall on a never ending cycle of self-pity and anger, anger at himself that is. He considered himself a coward because he couldn't even look straight at Iruka's eyes when he was near without bathing him in loath… love, for him, was a completely foreign sentiment and as such, he was completely unable to express it, so instead of trying to make Iruka love him back, all he did was blame him for not loving him already.
Tonight Iruka was smiling at him… the image on his ceiling… was smiling at him, and suddenly all he wanted was for that to happen in real life.
Without giving it much thought, Kakashi got up from his bed, quickly put something on so people that might cross his path would not be scandalized and run to his house… run to him.
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A week passed since that fateful day. Iruka was almost used to if not yet too comfortable with the whole situation, everyday when he least expected it a memory would cross his head… the stares, the tears, the kiss… Everything happened so quickly, but he had at least regained his mornings and routines, and if for nothing else, he was grateful to Genma for it.
When he learned the reason why the Jounins were treating him that way, he fell into denial… Kakashi? It was rather ridiculous for Genma to even suggest such a thing… wasn't it?
He hadn't seen the jounin for the whole week, which made it more difficult and added to the stress of actually seeing him at some point; the first few days he was always watching his back, somehow thinking that perhaps said jounin would make an appearance when he least expected it, but as days flew by and fears were unconfirmed, he decided to let go of those childish impulses, after all, it isn't a nice view to watch a respectable teacher jumping every now and then at some mysterious shadows. And much to his surprise, he let go of his (dare he say it) hopes of seeing Kakashi; he was with Genma now, he reminded himself from time to time, which was a ratter weird thing to say out loud, and even weirder to explain to those who've listened.
But Iruka was happy. A week was all it took for his world to come back to normal, and he really did like Genma… he did. Every once in a while he wondered though, why was it that Genma told him of Kakashi. He liked to muse on the fact that if the situation was inverse he would have done the same, because that's the right path to follow… and it really was admirable of Genma to be that honest right?
But he kept wondering.
Genma was, to be completely honest, quite a good man… a dependable man. He woke at dawn and loved to watch the sun rising… Iruka was a faithful witness of that, he after all have been drag to those outings. Genma embraced life in everything he did… he would never surrender to such a pitiful act as it was that of betraying a fellow jounin, not that Iruka would ever see that confession as a betrayal… he did ask after all, all Genma did was to answer. But those few lines at the end of that day would always come back and bother him.
It was getting late; he was still at the academy. A few hours earlier he had dismissed Genma who tried to join him at qualifying his pupil's essays, watching the chuunin and all the work he still had ahead though, he offered to do his work at the mission assignment room before he went away, and so he was here now… alone. The walls were tainted red; the sun was going away rather quickly if he had to say so. But then again, everything seemed to be going rather quickly for the last few days.
He didn't even notice when the night became morning, he woke at the sight of a very amused concierge cleaning the kid's desks.
-You work too hard- he said –You should head home and get some proper sleep- he pointed at Iruka's obviously sad image.
Iruka didn't think of it twice, he smiled weakly and proceeded to slowly pick his things up, since they'd fallen to the floor at some point in the night and although useless, he tried to straighten up his wrinkled clothes, then he went for the classroom door still asking himself why did he picked that of all days to correct the exams in the classroom instead of the normal professor's room, at least there, he would have someone to tell him to go before he fell sleep… or, at the worst scenario he stood a chance of a getting a better sleep than he did here, and then it hit him, the kids would be here anytime now.
His worries must have crept their way to his face because before he could even pronounce them, the gentle concierge told him –Today is Saturday son, don't worry- he smiled a little too knowingly for Iruka's taste, but he let it pass… at least he could rest at home now.
When he was out of the old building, a thought came to bother him, why didn't Genma say anything? He could have saved him a very uncomfortable night and a rather embarrassing awakening. Oh but he had come to know the jounin's sense of humour, god… sometimes he was annoying…
He spent the rest of the time his walking was taking him by imagining all types of scenarios were said jounin suffered terrible deaths. Those thoughts, unsurprisingly, distracted him of everything happening on his surroundings, so, by the time he made it to his porche he was completely oblivious to a figure sitting there, which of course made him jump when he finally noticed and realized who it was.
What could Kakashi possibly want at this time of the day not to mention with him?
And a blush crept to his face, could what Genma said be true then?
-Um… this is my house…- the young chuunin really had a talent at establishing the obvious –I mean… What are you doing here? - He tried to save the little dignity he had left, all of the sudden too conscious of the state of his clothes and what it might look like to anyone with a brain… and at the mere thought of what noticeable pervert Kakashi would think of him returning to his house at this hour and at that state, he couldn't help but blush even harder.
But then a thought occurred to him –God… is Naruto ok? Has something happen to him? - Every trace of previous embarrassment was forgotten, worry was beginning to fill his heart, and apparently the Jounin took pity of him, because finally after a long time of staring he said –Naruto is ok… don't worry- and with a final look full of something Iruka couldn't totally comprehend he began to walk away.
-Now wait a minute- Iruka didn't know what could have possible possessed him to grab Kakashi's arm –You came here for something, what is it?- he might as well just took his chance at asking… he was feeling brave, and… it was probably just curiosity.
-Naruto is fine- Kakashi couldn't help but to be a little harsh at answering, and turning himself to face the chuunin he said –and you obviously are too- and with that he yanked his arm away from Iruka's touch.
-And what's that supposed to mean? - Iruka asked, preparing himself for an answer he wasn't sure he really wanted to hear.
Kakashi looked intently at Iruka, making a point on stopping at every wrinkled spot the teacher's clothes displayed, a perfect eyebrow lift while doing so, the perfect look of disdain and arrogance, he wanted to make Iruka feel uncomfortable, he wanted Iruka to feel despised.
-Do I really have to clarify? - Kakashi was mocking him now, even without him being able to see behind that mask, he knew the man was smirking.
-And what the hell do you care what I do or not in my spare time? Last time I checked we weren't even friends- Iruka couldn't help but feel attacked, what was it with Kakashi today?
-ooh, aren't we a little touchy? Or is it the lack of sleep? …sensei- he pronounced the last word in a weird sensual way that made Iruka's insides flip, he had gotten so close… when have he got so close? And yet, everything that came from Kakashi's lips made the poor chuunin feel bad… filthy.
Taking a step backwards, Iruka admitted defeat and by doing so he made Kakashi smile, a smile followed by a mirthless laugh which startled the chuunin… what was wrong with the jounin? … Was this all a mental game he decided to include Iruka in?
-I'm sorry but I'm just too tired for this… - Iruka was genuinely getting scared, it was quite early in the morning and he doubted the joggers would pass for another hour still.
-I was just wondering…- Kakashi's voice held a malicious wave -Why not your bed? I mean… you obviously don't like his, so why don't just come here and save the travel? For curiosity's sake… sensei- for a moment Iruka thought he heard Kakashi's voice tremble, but he dismissed the idea rather quickly, he was more concentrated on ways of escaping a potentially dangerous Jounin.
Apparently Kakashi understood how frightened he had gotten the Chuunin, and even though all he wanted at that moment was to hurt someone… something… he decided to stop.
-Look…- it took all of Kakashi's willpower to break the silence –I was just passing by, I didn't even know this was your house- lying became increasingly easy as he talked –I honestly don't care what you do… or who you do- he allowed himself to smirk, making Iruka feel uncomfortable again –I do not care about you or this little outings… I just happened to sit on this porch- Kakashi had talked very eloquently and he didn't even think twice about the words escaping his mouth, all he wanted was for this torture to be over… for everything to be over, maybe he could at least leave with his pride intact.
-oh… I… I'm sorry, I didn't know- why was he excusing himself? It was Kakashi who had been rude to him, not the other way around –I… I guess I'll be entering now- why would Kakashi care for anything he did anyway? This thought disturbed him particularly, wasn't it enough for him that he was going to come out of this one alive? –Well… bye then- he turned his back to the copy nin, entering his house.
Once he found himself in the protective barrier that was his house, he discovered he could finally breathe, and much to his horror, he realized he wanted to be out there again, there were some things that Kakashi needed to explain to him first, he couldn't just let him leave like that… so, with athat resolution on his mind he reopenedthe door, only to find himself standing alone on the porch, not a sign of anyone near… not a sign of the person who only seconds ago stood there… and his heart ached… but he didn't mind it, minding it would mean he cared, andhe did not care for one Hatake Kakashi just as he didn't care for him.
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Author's note: so? I'm so sorry I took so long! Really! Is not like I was taking hostage this fic or anything… although you did leave two miserable reviews last time… author gives you the evil eye! Haha just kidding, I really did appreciate the reviews you left me, I think I did answer them, but I'm not too sure, It was quite a while ago. If I didn't before I'm doing it now: thanks people!
Anyway, I didn't update this before cuz I went backpacking! Go me! I actually wrote part of this fic in Sacsayhuaman(I think that's how it's supposed to be written) you know… Incas… haha love that place, unbelievable energy! You should all go… although you probably want to go with someone haha, it is definitely weird to travel by yourself!
Propaganda: I did also another fic(about Gai and a mannequin heh heh) go and read it it's call papiermâché, only 20 people have read it, so... poor thing, it's feeling lonely.
Other news… lets see… oh! Italy won! Italy won! I love my Italians, but I also love France(I actually just know a girl there, but she's cool), anyway, I definitely love my Zizou, don't care what anyone says, don't listen boys, Zizou is the greatest!
Oh and about the story… well I think I've written a lot on the author's notes so I'll leave it there.