Chapter 2
Dear Diarrhea,
I ate pixy sticks today. Mokuba did too. It wasn't pleasant at all. It gave me constipation. I know it stinks, but I love to smell my own shit. But Mokuba's shit smells better. I don't think he understands why I ask him not to flush the toilet. Isono's smells kinda funky; you always see random stuff stuck in it. Ya know, like balloons, condoms, bras, money, and sometimes I'd find my reading glasses in there. One time I found Yugi's puzzle in there. I sometimes wonder where he goes when I give him money for lunch.
-Pooey doo doo Seto Kaiba
Dear Diary,
I went and saw the movie "Fun with Dick and Jane" today. I wanna rob a bank or something now even though I have a shit load of money. Maybe I can rob my own bank so I won't get put in jail. Or maybe I can make Mokuba rob a bank for me, and make him into a little robot, and then he'll have to go to jail. No wait… then I can't sell him to a hobo. Darn.
-Robbing himself of his pride, Seto Kaiba.
Dear Diary,
The police came to my house today. Mokuba spilled the beans. No really, he spilled my beans that were my fucking lunch. Asshole, I'll have to beat him for that… anyway, Mokuba had told someone that I had been beating and letting Isono rape him. Which is totally, and utterly… true. But of course I couldn't tell the police that or else they would take him away and I couldn't make money off of him in prostitution. That why Isono gives me counseling for free. But the police didn't believe me when I told them I gave my brother my utter love and appreciation. Which I do… but in… other… ways. So of course I bribed them and told them they could get a free shot with Mokuba if they let me go. So they let me off the hook. I'm so proud of me for doing the right thing.
-The beautiful and innocent, Seto Kaiba
Dear Diary,
Sometimes I go walking in the rain and I say "Emo, emo, emo."
-Seto Kaiba
Dear Diary,
Today I saw Serenity. I just HAPPENED to be running with scissors, when I ACCIDENTLY tripped on an invisible rock, and stabbed Serenity, by ACCIDENT, in the eye. And then, they MAGICALLY, ended up stabbing, the OTHER eye. Joey was there too. He started talking ghetto to me, so I kick him in the balls and ran off screaming "ENGLAND!"
-The accidental Seto Kaiba
Dear Diary,
Clowns make me warm and fuzzy inside. Like Isono feels around men in bikinis. Tristan tried to prove his point today, when he didn't have a point at all! HAHAHA, aren't I funnie? LAUGH DAMN YOU!
Invisible audience: Ha ha.
Good. I have a lot of invisible friends. But they don't have any money. So I still have more money then them. They tell me to do strange things. Like eat goldfish. Or talk to dead people. Or steal a tree. Man, meth is awesome. I have friends when I take meth.
-Invisible friends united, Seto Kaiba
Dear Diary,
You suck. I hate you. Why do I keep talking to you? Go away. You don't have any money. Everyone should give me money for free. Screw the poor and dying people, I want their money. Maybe they would want Mokuba for all the money they have, which is around 25 cents most of the time, so they'll be ok. Unless they don't have that, the lowest price I go is a penny. No more, and no less. Not 3 pennies, but on penny. Just one. 4 pennies is too many, and 5 pennies is right out.
-Penny person, Seto Kaiba
Dear Diary,
I went to Canada today. With drugs, you can go anywhere. You can even be a smurf and fly. Why won't Mokuba try my drugs, goddamn it. He tells me drug-free is the way to be. They give out little stickers of that. And he put one on my forehead while I was high. I didn't even know it was there until Isono told me while he was giving me counseling. Today he told me that when you go to heaven, all you have to do is give Jesus a shrubbery and find the Holy Grail and you'll be alive again. But drugs can do that all the same. Thank goodness I have such a great counselor.
-Isono is your mother, Seto Kaiba
Dear Doary,
Ever notice how… pee is yellow…. But mine is usually green. I dunno why. I wonder what Mokuba's pee looks like. I think he's starting to worry about me cause my pee is green. He's just JEALOUS, cause my pee is prettier than his. But then Mokuba just calls me crazy; He just doesn't see the beauty in people's urine. Maybe it's a gift only me, my talented, beautiful self has.
-Sexy Seto Kaiba
Dear Diary,
If you try and chew someone's arm off, they'll get mad at you. Mokuba's arm doesn't taste good anyway. Maybe it's because he's a midget.
-Seto Kaiba
Dear Diary,
Why do people watch football anyway? It's just a bunch of men in tight pants chasing after a ball. But Isono says it's a challenge in every man's life, even for men who don't play football. He also tried to explain to me how relationships are like a bag of condoms. Suddenly, all your condoms are used up, and you have no one left to have sex with. I have no idea how that is suppose to get me a make relationship at all, but he says it will whoo men into liking me. I tried it on Bakura, but he was too high on meth to understand.
-Bag of condoms, Seto Kaiba
Dear Diary,
The boy scouts came back today. They said I can't have any more drugs, how can they do this to me? So Isono and me had our ways with them. Let's just say they'll never be the same again… those poor little boys. And then we stole their drugs.
-Little boys and pansys, Seto Kaiba
Dear Diary,
Joey says he's black on the inside. I don't believe him. I checked. Serenity also says she's black too, and that she wants to be called "Sha-nay-nay" from now on. And Tea wants to be called "Trachea" too. Joey has problems. Mommy says I'm special.
-Ghetto fabulous, Seto Kaiba
Dear Diary,
I decided to kill people today, so I took out one of Gozaburo's warplanes and bombed China. Then Mokuba got mad cause he was reading a book on China and the noise disturbed him. The noise isn't the only thing that disturbs him though. But you can blame that on Isono and his duct tape friend, Captain Howdy.
-Seto Kaiba
Dear Diary,
Just got a new card today. It's called Break the Rules card, and it lets me cheat whenever I want to. Although, I dun see why I got it in the first place. I'm already the best at cheating-I mean, dueling. Yeah, and now, I'm gonna be invincible. DiiiIiiiiEEEeeeee!
-Seto Kaiba.
Dear Diary,
I got a soda today. It had a marble in it. It said on the bottle to not attempt to get the marble. But it was so shiny. So I had to get it. I ended up breaking the soda glass in the middle of the street and leaving the rest in Mokuba's bed. I hope he won't mind. Then again, I think the only one that would really mind would be Isono.
-Will do anything for a marble, Seto Kaiba
Dear Diary,
Everyone thinks I'm a normal person… well, as normal as a president of a multi billionaire company gets, but they don't know my true identity. I am the whisper in your ear, I am the shadow that is a shadow, and I am the trash that is in your trashcan. I am… IDIOT FACE! Master of all that is cheap and plastic. I saved a cat today. It was stuck in pole of some sort. I think these mortals call it trees. I had to save the kitty. So I used my meat vision to turn the pole, or "tree", into a hot dog. But the hot dog was too big. So it fell on a person and eventually killed him after hours of screaming for help. But the cat was safe, and I could not leave a cat stuck in a pole.
-Seto Kaiba, a.k.a Idiot Face (do not reveal my secret identity)
Dear Diary,
I dueled someone today. It was Yugi. He didn't have any drugs. We had an epic battle. Much like our others, where he gave away his strategy, but I had to pretend like I didn't hear it. Of course, he said some of his stupid little lines about friendship and the heart of the cards, which the English version always gave him. I suck in the English version too. I have the voice of Brock, wow. People suck. Then Tristan confessed his love for bacon, and Mai admitted she was lesbian.
-Seto Kaiba
Dear Diary,
I wish I was a pony. Then I could be one of Jix pretty ponies. Ponies are very pretty, like myself, and not the English version. They make me sound like I actually care about Mokuba. Jesus Christ, what are they thinking? They don't like talking about death in that version ether. They all just get "kidnapped" or "lost". Like when they lost the goodness of Yu-Gi-Oh! Which I do know is a TV show about me, but they make it seem like it's about Yugi and his fucking little puzzle. If I had a puzzle, I'd be special too. But NO, I have to be the side character that has Brock's voice, who's parents "disappeared". God, they make me look like a pussy. Although, Pegasus doesn't change much. And many evil characters still look gender confused.
-Seto Kaiba, who's parents "disappeared" or "runaway"
Dear Diary,
My Blue-Eyes flew away today. Mokuba said he "hid it" but I don't believe him. I saw it fly out the window last night, while I was at Bakura's place. He says he won't give it back till I stop doing drugs. Ch-yeah right. As if THAT'LL happen. And for all you people, who only watch the English version of Yu-Gi-Oh! I do DRUGS! Well, ok, not really… but I secretly do drugs. You just don't see it.
-Doing drugs every day, Seto Kaiba
Dear Diary,
I watched my favorite episode of Yu-Gi-Oh! Today. Episode 199: where Bakura was on drugs, and was trying to run away from his addiction. People seem to always "run away" in the English version. Like in Duelist Kingdom, when I said I was going to "fly away" from the duel is Yugi didn't let me win. Goodness knows what would've happen if Yugi hadn't let me win. Maybe then my Brock self would've flown away over the rainbow and smoked some pot with hippies.
-Peace, Seto Kaiba
Dear Diary,
Today I shit myself at work. Many people seemed to take note, but I had to pay them not to notice because I was too lazy to change my pants. And when you're the president of a company, you can pay people to anything. Even smell your shit. God, I love my job. Amen, amen.
-Shits his pants, Seto Kaiba
Dear Diary,
Why do people have to be bad?
-Scary world at there, Seto Kaiba
-NOTE: WE DO NOT OWN YU-GI-OH O ANY OF THE CHARACTERS THAT WE USE FOR OUR OWN SELF PLEASURE AND AMUSEMENT. WE DO NOT OWN PIXIE STICKS, CHINA, BROCK, OR JESUS-
Thanks for reading and you better fucking review