Chapter 3
Dear Diary,
Today I went to Disney Land. I also got arrested for attempting to molest Mickey Mouse. I swear, the guy was just begging me to when he asked if I wanted a hug! God, Disney Land sucks.
-Mickey Mouse in disguise, Seto Kaiba
Dear Diary,
I shot some kids today while I was bored. It was pretty fun, most of all when they were screaming in terror and I got to chase after them and make them cry for their Moms. God, I love kids. I'm so good with them. Just look at how I raised Mokuba. He's a great, functioning human being, and only gets arrested every 3 days. I'd have to say I'm proud of that kid. He definitely learned to steal from the best. Mokuba's so lucky he has me for a brother, I wish I had me for a brother sometimes too, so I'd have someone else to rape.
-Rippin' friends, Seto Kaiba
Dear Diary,
My doctor says I need to get more exercise. I don't know how many times I have to tell him how much I spend on exercise itself. I mean, it's started to cost me 50$ just to get my employees to run around the block for my exercise. God, who does he think he is anyway? I'm the healthiest person I know. Who wouldn't call anorexia healthy? Probably an IDIUT! Which is NOT me, THEE Seto Kaiba, master of all I command and can pick his nose at the same time. Gosh, I'm so awesome.
-Seeto Kaiba, the not idiut.
Dear Diary,
Stealing money from old ladies is fun. People are missing out these days. It's funny when they try and defend themselves with their canes and then end up breaking and arm or something. But then one of the bitches somehow manages to get the phone and call the police even after I've dislocated their neck. Now a days I gotta kill 'em to make sure they stay down on the ground. Why are old people so old anyways? I wish I was an old person!
-An old person in his heart, Seto Kaiba
Dear Diary,
Isono keeps telling me about his new boyfriend and how he thinks he's the one. I have to sit through his whole entire speeches as he goes on and on about how great the sex is with his new boyfriend. Isono wants to marry him too. He told me that his boyfriend loves to be tied down to the bed by Isono when he tries to have sex with him. He also likes to scream. Isono also describes to me that his boyfriend is short, with long black hair, and wears Mokuba's necklace. Hmm… I wonder where I put that piece of gum I found on the ground.
-Boifriend Seto Kaiba
Dear Diary,
Today I dressed gangsta and went on a walk, yo. But I walked into da wrong hood and got shot. Now my mofo arm is bleeding on all over da place. I mean, dat some reel shizzle there. Frill man. Then the cops came along and I got shot again. So did some of my othda homies. And Bob. He's da reel cracka. Frill right der. I'm da most pimpin' home skillet here.
Peace dawg.
-Boyz in da hood, Seto Kaiba
Dear Diary,
I got a new dog today. His name is Guy. I thought it would be fun to have another living thing to abuse. The hobo that I bought it from says he's the best. He even gave me this hand drawn certificate that says he's been trained by the top trainers in obedience. But when I yelled at the dog to go get me some food, it didn't do a single thing! It just sat there. I yelled at it again, and it still didn't do anything. I swear, I told him to sit, do the hokey pokey, stay, have sex, bark, get run over by a car, everything! Fucking dog. Takes a shit every 2 minutes. Hopefully Mokuba won't notice the piled of pooey doo doo. I put in his room.
-Must have Dogs, Seto Kaiba
Dear WhatsHisFace,
Wait… what?
-Scared and confused, Seto Kaiba
Dear Diary,
I went on a quest to find my runaway parents today. Although my journey turned out unsuccessful and annoying so I'll probably end up paying people to find my parents for me. But anyways, I searched everywhere for them! But I couldn't find them, sadly. I mean, if I haven't found them after that long, and exodus search, there's probably no hope in finding them. I looked in my backyard, and they weren't there. Where else would they be? I wish Mommy wasn't a prostitute and hadn't run off with a hobo.
-Seto Kibai
Dear Diary,
I love the fat people. I think they are the sexiest things to walk the earth. If I wasn't anorexic, I'd be a fat person.
-Fat with a "PH", Seto Kaiba
Dear Diary,
I want to be a woman. It's not fair that I can't be able to have babies. If I were a woman, life would be so much better. I'd get to have boobies. Lots and lots of boobies. Oh, and then once a month, I'd pee blood. It'd be even cooler than my green pea because red is prettier than green my name would probably be Setorita. And Mokuba could be my husband. Although I wouldn't have any children of his cause I'd probably die giving birth to one of them like –cough-Mokuba-cough- But OF COURSE it wasn't little Mokuba's fault… he was just the one that ended up killing her!
-Setorita Kaiba
Dear Diary,
Today I went to Hooters. Someone told me to dance on one of the bars tables in this tiny swimsuit, and I did. And guess what, I GOT MONEY FOR IT. I mean, what could be more fun then to dance around on a bar table practically naked? It was funnn… I wanna go tomorrow!
-Stripper perfect Seto Kaiba
Dear Diary,
I sometimes wonder what religion I am. I never had a religion before. I wish there was a religion that believed in raping children. No wait, that's Christianity, right? I dunno, maybe I can be Quaker and hug trees. No wait, then I can't kill kids in my spare time. Damnit… isn't there some religion that believes that all the bad things are good? Oh, Satanism
-N00B Satanist, Seto Kaiba
Dear Diary,
I'm thinking of changing my name. I mean, Seto Kaiba? What kind of name is that? 'Kaiba' sounds like something you'd name some weird gaming company or something. And 'Seto' sounds like something you'd call an orphan who works all night. I hate trees. They're green. I hate green. It reminds me of pee. I wish I had a period so I'd have an excuse to get out of P.E. once every month.
-Seto P. Kaiba
Dear Diary,
Today I got rid of my dog Guy and got a pet rock instead. My pet rock's name is Gunther. Now THIS pet is obedient. He knows how to sit, stay, and shut up. Although I'm still trying to teach it how to have sex, but otherwise, he's a good rock. With a Pedigree. I love you, Gunther.
-Pet rock lovers united, Seto Kaiba
Dear Diary,
I have a strange fashion for smelling people's armpits. I don't know weather it's the smell or the man itself, but I just can't keep my hands off of men's' armpits. Some people find it a bit strange that I stop them on the street to smell their armpits, but you just slip them 100 dollars or 2, and suddenly they won't mind at all. I know Mokuba doesn't mind, he gets beaten if he does. God, I love that kid's armpits.
-Armpit to the extreme, Seto Kaiba
Note: We do not own half the shit that we mention that all of you guys know a couple of weirdos don't own. Actually, we don't own any of it. Except for our creative genius mind. Oh, and please people, send us your opinions and ideas. None of your ideas will be accepted, but we'll get a good laugh out of it. Hey, that's why we're writing this. For you guys to get a good laugh. Or be disturbed for the rest for your lives. Ether way, this fic was created for your entertainment… but not really. It's for ours. And we kinda just post it up so that some of you people with no lives can read it.
Thank you for reading. I hope you enjoyed this drug-filled, violent, shooting people, stealing money, sexy diary entry. NOW FUCKING REVIEW
NOTE: We do not own Mickey Mouse, Disney Land, Michael Jackson, Hooters, Rippin' friends, Whores, Pet rocks, Yu-Gi-Oh, Christianity, Satanism, Quaker-ism, Anorexia, or Igor.
But we do own Setorita