Shoulda, Woulda, Coulda
Song belongs to Brian McKinght

"Hoshi!" I call as I watch her storm out. I sit back down in my chair for a moment and think about the last few days, then the last few weeks.

I really did it this time and I shoulda seen it. Truthfully, I'm not quite sure how this happened. I mean, things were goin' fine, great even. It made me wonder why the cap'n even bothered to give us separate quarters.

And then somewhere along the line we, no I, stopped talkin'. Hell, I stopped everything but the entire nights of lovin'.

"Way to go Trip," I mutter to myself as I burry my head in my hands for a minute. I don't deserve to let myself wallow in my own stupidity, but let myself do just that for a bit.

Then as I get up and head to the door I stop, thinkin' that I should maybe let her cool off. then I think that waitin' and ignoring is what got me into this mess. I take a breath and head off toward her quarters.

"Commander!"

"Not now Malcolm," I say as I keep going. I'm on a mission now and nothin' but a warp core overload is gonna stop me.

"Yes now!" he says as he comes to a stop in front of me.

"I'm busy lieutenant," I say as I push him and go on my way again.

"She's not in her quarters," he calls to me as he pushes himself away from the wall.

"And how the hell would you know that?" I ask as I stop and turn to look at him.

"She's in mine." I feel the jealousy and anger starting to boil up.

"What the hell is she doin' in yer quarters?" I ask as I storm over to him.

"She needed some one to talk to and seeing as how I'm the one who gave her a shoulder at the party, she came to me again," he says as we stand nose-to-nose.

"We're not done yet," I say to him.

"She seems like she'd be very happy to end it now," he says, looking like a smug bastard.

"Why you . . ." I say as I get ready to hit him, hard, but then stop myself. The last thing I need to do is start a fight with Malcolm over Hoshi. Instead I push him into the wall before glaring at him and heading on my way. I pick up the pace to get to the lift before him.

I stop at the door to Reed's quarters and press my ear up against the door and my heart breaks at the loud sobs that I caused. I take a breath and ring the chime. Nothing happens.

"Hoshi?" I call. She yells something that sounds like 'go away, asshole' and I gulp a little.

"Please, Hoshi, I . . .I'd rather not do this from out here, but I will if ya want me to."

The door stays closed, but there¹s a large thump that makes it rattle against my forehead. She's throwin' things. That's never a good sign.

"Hosh, I know I shoulda paid more attention to ya and that I've taken you for granted. I know I coulda been a better man. We both woulda been better off I hadn't been such an asshole about everything. I'm sorry I didn't see it before and I'm sorry I put you through this . . ."

I trailed off as I continue to rest my forehead against the door, trying to think of something else to say. "I'm sorry," I say again.

I turn a little and see Malcolm coming toward me. "Please Hoshi, I'm so sorry," I say one last time as I push away from the door and look at Malcolm.

"Take good care of her, will ya?" I ask.

He stops and crosses his arms as he glares at me.

"I'm goin'," I said as I stuff my hands in my pockets and slink off to the lift like the dog I am.

When I get back to my place, I look around and realize that the floor isn't clean. My uniform and junk from getting ready for this party are still on the floor, some tools and PADDs still scattered around the coffee table.

It really hits home now that I may have lost her forever, and to Malcolm of all people. My friend.

She might not come back to me. No more Hoshi. No more Hoshi quirks. No more Hoshi glares. No more Hoshi kisses. Oh yeah, Tucker, you really did it this time.