Chapter 8
Dear Diary,
Today I went to play on the swing set when I saw an alien. I thought it might've been my drugs but it was REEEL. It was all green and slimy like my pee. He asked me where Mokuba was, but I told him to buy his own little brother. He said he broke. So then he decided to get his ghetto alien friends and jump me. We had a tough battle, and it lasted for almost 30 years. No one would make peace, our rage only seem to grow with every year that passed in the land of the hidden valley of rainbows. I decided to recruit my army with some hippies, but they kept saying all this shit about peace and love and they ended up getting killed when they were high. After many years of blood shed, I finally paid them to stop beating me up, and then to tell everyone in the universe that I had won. They kicked me and called me a pussy.
I'm never going to the park again.
-Alien Ant Farm, Seto Kaiba
Dear Diary,
I decided to play with an electrical socket today. I was eating lunch when I looked upon a small electrical outlet. It's beauty fascinated me, and I knew I had to touch it. Mokuba rolled his eyes and told me I would end up in the hospital again, but Mokuba never understands these things. I looked upon it with great wonder, and my fork slowly approached it. My heart was beating fast with excitement. The pointy part of the fork touched the outlet and then I felt a surge of energy go through my body. It felt AMAZING like I was having an organism. I sat there for hours, doing the same thing over and over again. Mokuba had decided not to feed me. Not like I eat anyways.
Stupid asshole. Maybe I'll shove him into the electrical socket next.
-Electrical orgasm, Seto Kaiba
Dear Diary,
Yo yo, so I was walkin' down in da hood, like I always do wit my homies when I ran into dis big ol' gangsta named IGOR. He was all like "Yo yo, wazzup cracka?" and I was all like "yo, I ain't no cracka, cracka." And he was all like "dawg, I get my gang on yo wytee azz, we gon GANG BANG you, foo!"
Then I ranaway.
-Too gangster for Igor, Seto Kaiba.
Dear Diary,
Mokuba tried to runaway again. Dammit, I thought the metal bars I put in front of his windows would keep him from doing it, but I guess not. I suppose I'll just have to start chaining him to his room now like I did with Guy the 2nd. Yeah, I had always forgot to let Guy out to eat and shit, so… after a few days, he had another man period like Guy the 1st. I need to get another Guy.
-Guy lover forever, Seto Kaiba
Dear Diary,
I wish, I wish, I was a fish.
-Seto Kaiba
Dear Diary,
Today I went to Disney Land. I saw lots of fury little creatures lurking around in the theme park. I thought they were out to get me, so I shot them in self-defense. For some reason all the little children began running around and screaming. The people didn't believe I shot the animals in self-defense, so I asked them if anyone of them was Walt Disney. They both said no, so I said I didn't have to listen to a word they said. I mean, what the hell? They kept arguing with me, saying all this bull shit about them having authority of something like that. But I didn't believe them; I wasn't leaving till I saw Walt Disney himself. Then I got thrown out. Poser Walt Disneys.
When I got home I told Mokuba all about it, and he started crying… but that was probably just because I beat him.
-Dude, where's Walt Disney? Seto Kaiba
Dear Diary,
Today I was eating when something peculiar happened. Suddenly, I noticed a bit of red ooze on my hand. I realize that red is the color of people's blood, and my heart began to race with fear. Was the AIDs finally catching up to me? Was I shitting out of my mouth? What was I gonna do? I had seen blood before from beating Mokuba and shooting people, but I was pretty sure I was immortal. I began to call for Mokuba in fear, since he's beaten so much, he'd know what to do. He didn't answer though, I think he thought it was nap time again. So I called Isono to call that really long number that gets the ambulance. He said it was 911, but I don't believe him. I paced back in forth. Was I dying? Who would take over Kaiba Corp? Or steal the money for Kaiba Corp? Would I have my money when I am dead? I began to write a long will saying to bury all my money with me, except for 20 dollars. And to put mines in my coffin, so that if anyone tried to jack my money, they would get blown up. I'll make damn sure that I will still be able to take human life even after I'm dead. I dialed 2i7398798hd73847kjhd82919974, but no one answered. I tried again, then some Chinese dude picked up. I tried a 3rd time, then some hooker on the other line was telling me that the number was dialing didn't exist. Damn those hookers. In the end, the ambulance finally came to the rescue, but something even more peculiar happened.
They told me it was ketchup.
-Ketchup boy and Kong fu Butterfly, Seto Kaiba
Dear Diary,
I wonder what Raisin's doing right now.
-Brothers in arms, Seto Kaiba
Dear Diary,
Word finds amaze me. I mean, the whole page is just filled with a bunch of little letters… and you're suppose to find words in these things? I stared at this one page forever! But I couldn't find one single word… pisses me off like woah. I started ripping up all the puzzles and laughing at them, saying how their fathers would be so disappointed in how they failed at life and how their children would be so ashamed of how stupid their little bundles of letters were. Isono believes that my not knowing the alphabet might have something to do with me not being able to find words.
-Wordz make my brain hurt, Seto Kaiba
Dear Diary,
I played Operation today. The mother fucking game kept beeping, and his nose kept getting all red whenever I tried getting the wrench out of his leg. It's a very stressful procedure, getting a wrench out of someone's leg. What the hell was that boy eating anyway? And the fact that he was naked the whole time made me really horny, but anytime I touched him, he's go all "BZZZZZZGGGG" on me, and his nose would get all red. I think he was just blushing because he had never been touched by another man before.
-OPERATION! Seto Kaiba
Dear Diary,
I wonder if George Bush is richer than me. He must be somewhat rich, I mean, he has a whole army that he can send into random countries and start wars just by snapping his fingers. Well, of course they weren't RANDOM wars, he just starts random wars for oil… or because some leaders tried to shoot his Dad. I tried to shoot his Dad, but you don't see him declaring war against Japan. It must be because of oil then… dammit, I wish Japan had oil. Maybe I should start a random war against America, then maybe one day I'll grow up to be as great and as dumb as Bush I pee in bushes.
-George W. Kaiba
Dear Diary,
Today was the day. The day I was going to prove my manhood to Mokuba once and for all. The day I was gonna take down the bees that lived in my tree. Mokuba pointed out that we could just call a bug exterminator. Oh yes, I was well aware of the calling of the exterminator. But my mission was too lofty to give in to such requests. I had to do this myself. Mokuba watched from a distance, betting money with Isono that I would end up hurting myself instead of the bees, but I knew what had to be done. I took the pebbles into my hand and threw them with all my might at the bee hive. Than I ran like hell. I got a lot of bee stings today, I think I'm just gonna call an exterminator.
-Bee a man, Seto Kaiba
Dear Diary,
I have given up on dogs. Guy the 20th had just passed away from his man period. I'm sick of dogs and their man periods. I think I'm just gonna go along and get a cat. Cats are way better anyway. They don't bark, they don't need to be walked, and they don't tell you what a mother-fucking moron you are when you take a shit on your neighbor's lawn, and think they won't notice. So I got myself a cat. His name shall be Herbert, and he will train him to be as good as a king as Mufasa was. God, I love the lion king. I just wanna sex those kittens sometimes. Well, I'm off to train Herbert how to take a shit in the toilet.
-MUFASA! Seto Kaiba
Dear Diary,
I have finally figured out what I want to achieve in life. I always thought life was all about sex and money, but I have discovered a real goal. I am going to be the greatest pokemon master EVER. Better than Ash Ketchum and his little midgets combined. I'll kick his little Pikachu's ass. And I will laugh. Very loudly like. It is time to finally give up on trying to beat Yugi and become the champion of Duel Monsters again. It's just not worth it anymore, plus, the monsters in pokemon are way cuter.
Well, I'm off to beat my rival; Fuck face.
-Pokemon Master, Seto Kaiba
Dear Diary,
Today I played Hide and go Seek with Mokuba today. The doctor said that Mokuba wasn't "being raised" right or some bull shit like that, and told me I needed to spend more time with him. So since I was older and have everlasting control over him and his mere child soul, I told him he had to be IT. I made him count to a bazillion twice, while I walked off and went home to go watch TV and be fat. Geez, this spending time thing is great. I wonder if he's finished counting yet.
-Hide and go fucking seek, Seto Kaiba
Disclaimer: We do not own George Bush, Pokemon, Operation, TV, Disney Land, Walt Disney, AIDs, or Kong fu butterflies.
All we own are vaginas and our imaginations to create such disturbing stories Tune in next time for the last and final conclusion of Dear Diary!(I'm crying emo tears as we speak) And god fucking dammit, will you people grow some balls and review to us already?
-kthankxbai.