Chapter 9
Dear Diary,
Mokuba discovered the truth about our parents today. I'd been trying to hide it from him, for his own good. I mean, I didn't want him to grow up to be… like them. But, now he knows the truth. Our mother was a crossdresser. And our father was a manwhore. Damn, now Mokuba just sits in his room, crying all day. Crying never mamde anyone rich. So he needs to get the fuck outta there, and sell his body for all it's worth. It runs in the family, you know. Oh, and Kaiba corp… The "games" company… It sells toys. Sex toys. And Duel Monsters are really a metaphor for sex. That's right, my life is a lie. I'm not really doing this for the children. I'm not even doing it for the money. I'm doing it for the sex. For the right of any prostitute or stripper, to go out there and do what they do best. Oh, and the drugs.
The truth is out
Seto Kaiba
Dear Diary,
Mokuba ran away again. It's become a normal occurrence these days, I suppose I just don't beat him enough. But this time he was hiding really well, so I needed some extra help finding him. I smoked A LOT of weed and my money began talking to me. First, it was the 10 dollar bill, the Jefferson Jacob guy. Yeah, he said that if I take a REALLY big shit, that Mokuba would just pop out of my ass and I wouldn't even have to go looking for him. But once I did, MOKUBA NEVER APPEARED. Fucking Jefferson Jacob lied!! So then I talked to the 100 dollar bill, he's worth the most money, and his name is Ben. Ben told me EXACTLY where to find him. I walked into the next room and there he was. I need to get out more.
-Runaway rebel, Seto Kaiba
Dear Diary,
I went back to the orphanage where Mokuba and I were adopted today. I have horrible memories of that place. Back when I didn't know about drugs, or sex, or shooting people, or setting your little brother on fire. When all I did was play chess. What, was I mentally retarted or something? Well, at least my chess obsession led to one good thing. I got to go with Gozaburo the drug lord. He taught me all about speed, and caffeine pills… I don't remember why, but I think he wanted me to get smart or something. But, yeah, the drugs were good.
High in the sky, Seto Kaiba
Dear Diary,
I got a blimp today. It was fucking amazing because it had the letters "KC" on it, but I still don't understand what it means. Anyways, so this guy named Patrick whom claimed to be Isono and had an obvious fake mustache on asked to fly my blimp. He was clearly not Isono, but somewhere deep inside me knew he couldn't be lying. He was so fucking hot, with all his pimples and the other miracles of puberty. His voice was pretty deep too, I just wanted to melt in his mouth all day. So, yeah, let him fly it. As he was taking it up into the sky, I proposed to him, and asked him to be my wife, now and forever. Of course, I didn't have a ring, so I used a twig. He then promptly fainted, and the blimp crashed. Fuck. I don't know how to fly. People were pretty pissed that my blimp had pretty much destroyed the city, but I just told them the silly Americans did it. Japan just declared war. I want a fish.
-Just another sexy man, Seto Kaiba
Dear Diary,
So the other day I was pretty much at the mercy of some little virtual kid with neon green hair who claimed to be Gozaburo's son. He wore a tight overcoat and short shorts, and I couldn't help but masturbate when I first saw him. You have no idea how excited I was when he first told me he wanted my body. I don't care what he said about getting my company, I knew the real meaning behind it. He obviously wanted my virginity. And boy did I wanna give it to him. So I did. But cyber sex really isn't as great as I thought it would be. And as we had proceeded in having anal sex, Mokuba walked in and was scarred for life again. And at some point in our great big orgasm, Gozaburo joined it. No one really noticed, we were already having a sausage fest. After it was all over and I realized what Gozaburo had done, me and Noah broke up, even though we were never together to begin with. Now I roll with Yami.
-Cyber sex, Seto Kaiba
Dear Diary,
This whole series is fucked up. I'm telling you, how the fuck did Big 5 get zapped into the virtual world just because I fired them? It doesn't make sense. And then in the English version they tried to explain why they could no longer exist in the real world anymore because they're bodies had "gone away" somehow. Maybe they died in the real version… they probably did, those fucking Americans don't know how to translate for shit. Whenever Mokuba says "Fuck!" in the Japanese version, he always ends up saying "Big Brother!" in the English version. It kinda annoys me. Most of all they took out that whole season that was just about the fucked up adventures of Seto and Mokuba where it showed our daily lives on display for all to see. It showed me beating my brother and everything. Even the sex scenes. I guess my sex scenes just aren't good enough for 4kids.
-Fuck! Seto Kaiba
Dear Diary,
Everyone has a bigger penis then me. I don't understand. Isono said it would grow if I gave it love and care, but it never did. Maybe Isono was wrong, and I should be giving it the opposite of love and care. I'll do what I do best; beat it. So this one time I took a stapler gun to my penis, yeah, it didn't end so well. I was having man periods all over the place for a while. Mokuba said I was fucking insane to have stapled my own penis, but hey, a man's gotta do what a man's gotta do to make his penis grow. And that's exactly what I did. Plus, it wasn't so bad after I finally managed to get the tampon in. Now I don't bleed as much But it's a bitch to have in when I'm having sex, and I always seem to be having an erection 24/7. Oh well, I'm manly.
-The biggest penis, Seto Kaiba
Dear Diary,
Today Mokuba gave me a "stuffed animal" that appeared to have resembled a dog. It kinda looked like Guy, so I was very satisfied. It was soft like Guy, and it shut up like Guy, but they appear to have forgotten his penis. Oh well, he's still a guy Guy in my heart. But there's one other thing I'm still confused about. Even though he doesn't move or eat like the other Guys, he still doesn't seem to have a man period. Mokuba must have lied to me. He said that it would be just like a real dog, and that if I concentrated hard enough, it would come alive… that could have been the drugs talking, though. So, yeah, I've been concentrating for hours now, and he still won't have his damn period. I wonder what Mokuba's doing right now… I guess I'll never know.
-My best friend Guy, Seto Kaiba
Dear Diary,
Today I walked into my brother's room and found him masturbating. You would not believe how mad I got. I grabbed that kid by the arm and started flailing him around like a giant monkey and squeezed his nipples till they fell off. I slapped that kid maybe over a 100 times just to get him to realize what a sin masturbating and sexuality was. That if you ever had sex, Satan would pop out of nowhere and jump yo ass(that doesn't include butt sex). And no one wants to get jumped by Satan. EVER. Although I have dealt drugs with Satan before, and he's actually pretty hot. Hell, I'd have kids with Satan if I could. Maybe Satan could help me shit out kids.
Yeah, Satan told me that I was one of his favorites, and that he had a special spot reserved for me at his place. I wonder where that is? I bet he wants to have sex. That's fine with me, so long as he brings the condoms.
-A sucker for Satan, Seto Kaiba
DISCLALMER MOTHER FUCKER: We don't own Kaiba Corp., duel monsters, a bigger penis, satan, masturbation, or cyber sex. But what we DO own is Guy, Patrick, boobs (yeah, you know you want them) anddddddd…an Alphonse head pillow that we sleep with every night.
Note to all: Hey guys is and here letting all you losers know that the next chapter is the last chapter so all you better start reviewing or I will come in the night and eat your ovaries. Remember kids, stealing is ok as long as you don't get caught;)