Never a Burden
By mugglecastlover31
He was a Third. He was our Third. He thought we didn't love him. He thought we only had him because they told us to. The damn government told us to. But he'll never know. Never know that we were going to have him anyways. In fact we were already having him. But he still thinks he was just an embarrassment to us; another thing in our lives; an expendable commodity that we gave away to the buggers. But that's not true, not that he'll ever find out. We loved him, still love him, always will love him. He was our Andrew. Our Ender. That nickname Valentine gave to him. He even called himself that. He loved Valentine more than anything, anyone, else. His connection with her was something a mother wanted with her son. Where she loved him and he adored her in return. That deep love, trust, care, that would never leave, never be broken. But it had never been there. I am his mother, yet not his mother. I'd lost him when he was only six years old. He had left, for that place. That place and those people that had made him never want to come back. Come back home to his parents. Us. Or did he not even remember us anymore? Are we just some disembodied image of a whispered past?
I had seen the look in his eyes. When he thought he was a burden to us; all because he was a Third. Why hadn't I told him, No, we love you. Why hadn't I said, you don't cause us pain or create tension, we are proud to have you, Ender. Maybe if I had told him more often, always told him that wed were happy to have him, that he was not an embarrassment, he would known he was wanted.
Guilt. I feel guilt; a lot of it. Why? I had let Ender leave. Leave his family. Why had I let him leave? He was my sweet angelic son, the polar opposite of the monstrous Peter. I had let him leave because even though John Paul and I had always planned to defy the population laws and have more children, in my heart, I was scared. Ender would always be looked down upon but other since he was a Third. Maybe he should go to Battle School; because there was no doubt that he would excel there. But really, it was because I was selfish and scared. However much I had wanted more children, I didn't want my family to get into trouble. Maybe more children was a bad idea, they would be looked down upon, beat up, made fun of. They would never get a proper education. Maybe Battle School was the best place. But I still should have never let him go. Even though it technically wasn't my decision, I should have persuaded Ender to not leave me.
He was the last to be born but the first to leave and never come back. He had taken away Valentine as well. Maybe I resent him for that. No! How can I? He is my son! How could I resent my own son? There was no way… I love him. And I wish he knew.
Valentine was the one that had called out to him: "Come back to me! I love you forever!" That should have been me, his mother. But no, I had never asked him to stay. I should never have let him go. I shouldn't have, because now I'd lost him.
AN: This is my first Ender fanfic. I hope you enjoyed it! Please review...No flames though (thanks :P)
Ritz