Chapter 18: The Limits of Love
Lily stared out the glass window at the slightly distorted wisps of snow falling to the ground below, drawing her out of the library and into the world beyond; inviting her to float with them into nothingness. Sighing, she leaned her head on her hand and continued to stare out the window, trying to forget how miserable she felt. How shitty the past week had been. Shittiest week of my life… Lily thought dully, idly playing with the necklace James had given her. She still wore it; she didn't know why. She wasn't sure if they were officially broken up. Or maybe, she just didn't want to believe it. James certainly acted like they were. They hadn't talked since the day they'd fought. He never even so much as glanced at her anymore.
Jerking her eyes away from the window, Lily looked across the library at a young girl and boy, studying for their upcoming charm test, holding hands under the table. Young love… How sweet and innocent they both seemed. They couldn't be more than thirteen. They make a cute couple… Lily thought. Fighting back tears, Lily gathered up her books and walked out of the library, just in time to see the boy kiss the girl chastely on the cheek.
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Peter rolled over onto his side, trying to get more comfortable. He laid in that position for a few minutes, willing sleep to come to him. He wanted to forget the fight in the common room. He wanted to forget the look on his fellow Marauder's faces. He wanted to forget the pit of guilt in his stomach as he'd lied his way out of what he'd done.
It had started after dinner when James had confronted him about their Midnight Escapade. Peter knew it'd happen eventually… he was just surprised it had taken so long. He supposed James had needed to get over the shock of breaking up with Lily before he could really get mad at Peter.
"Why did you do it? Why did you tell her?" James shouted, his deep voice booming around the common room. It'd been empty except for a couple of second years, who quickly scurried away once the yelling began.
"I-I… it just came out," Peter stuttered, wincing as James took a menacing step towards him.
"How could something like that just come out?" James demanded. "Something like that? The secret that we've kept since 5th year. The promise we made each other. The promise Peter! Don't you remember the promise?"
"Y-yes, I do!" Peter squeaked. "But-but"
"But what, Peter? You betrayed us all! EVERY SINGLE ONE OF US! You made me lose Lily, the only woman I have ever loved, you made Sirius nearly sacrifice his life to keep Lily from getting hurt, and you humiliated Remus!"
"I know, I know!" Peter cried, holding up his hands. "Snape made me, though! Snape made me!" James opened his mouth, but shut it abruptly, pondering over what Peter had said.
"What do you mean,Snape made you do it?" Peter cleared his throat, trying to think of a quick lie to get himself out of the spotlight.
"He-he likes Lily. He really likes her," Peter said quickly. He'd never been good with thinking on his feet. "He hated you for going out with her. He wanted you two to break up. So he told me to do something about it. Anything. Anything at all. Anything it took to make you break up with her."
"And how did you come up with the elaborate plan to tell her about Remus being a werewolf?" James asked incredulously.
"I-I was jealous," Peter murmured, the knot in his stomach easing up a bit as he told the truth. "I was jealous of the fact that you had a girlfriend. And that Sirius could get any girl he wanted. And Remus. Remus had the brains… and the looks too. And I, I had nothing." James didn't know what to say. He stood there dumbfounded. Peter stared dully at the carpet, feeling foolish. You couldn't be a man if you were jealous. That's what his father had always taught him.
"Snape had already suspected that something was going on with Remus… the way he was in the Hospital Wing every 28 days covered in scratches and bruises," Peter continued, trying to not make himself seem too smart. "He figured that Remus was a werewolf, but he had no way of proving it. So he told me to tell Lily. Then he figured she'd get mad at you for lying to her and you'd break up and he could go out with her." Peter took a deep breath.
"But he didn't figure that Lily would actually trust me for once and follow us," James said. "And neither did you." Peter hung his head.
"N-no, I didn't."
"What did Snape threaten to do to you if you didn't tell Lily about Remus being a werewolf?" Peter tried to think quickly.
"H-he never said, exactly," Peter muttered, "but he did say it would be something horrible. He'd do something to my family. I-I believed him, James. I know he would've done it." James heaved a huge sigh and walked towards the window. He leaned his head against the panes and gripped the ledge with his fingers. Peter watched him stare intensely out into the darkness.
"I'm sorry, James," Peter choked. "I'm sorry for what I did." James sighed again.
"So am I, Peter."
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Lily walked slowly down the corridors, not even caring where she was going, or where she was. She knew she was somewhere near the Slytherin Common Room, as it'd gotten quite colder in the past few minutes and she'd gone down several flights of stairs. Turning a corner, she saw Severus Snape walking quickly down the hall towards the common room. He looked up, saw Lily, and immediately stopped. His dark eyes glinted fiercely and his eyes traveled up and down her body. Lily's heart froze. The only other person who'd looked at her like that had been James, and then she hadn't minded it. But now, Lily wished she'd never come down here. She wished she'd gone straight back to the Common Room.
"Good evening, Lily," Snape slithered, adjusting his robes with a flourish.
"Hello, Severus," Lily replied, taking a deep breath and trying to remain calm.
"What, may I ask, are you doing wandering the halls at this time of night? Am I correct in saying that you and James do not have duty tonight?"
"You've said correctly," Lily replied, clutching her books tightly to her chest. "I was just talking a bit of a stroll… a long way back to the common room, you might say." Snape nodded.
"May I ask you something?"
"Ask away."
"I've heard that you and James are no longer seeing each other… is this true?" Lily shrugged.
"I guess… we got into a fight. A big one. And I got mad at him and told him I didn't think there'd be another chance for him to redeem himself… and we haven't spoken since." Lily! Her brain reprimanded. Why are you telling this to Snape of all people?
"Ahh… I see," Snape said, nodding. "Well, I'm sorry for your loss… if you can count it as that." Lily smiled thinly. "Now, what lead to this fight?"
"Oh, nothing really…" Lily answered. "He just sort of twisted the truth to protect someone." Snape's eyes glinted maliciously.
"Such as… a lie?" Lily shrugged.
"Yes, a lie," she said.
"To protect whom?" Snape asked.
"A… friend," Lily replied, guessing that James would not want Snape to know that Remus was a werewolf and that he and the rest of the Marauders were Animagi. Snape clicked his tongue against his teeth, and nodded slowly.
"I see," he said, a grin creeping onto his face. "Well, Lily, I shall not detain you much longer. You'd better get some rest. Big Potions test tomorrow… but of course, you will do well. You always do well." Lily smiled.
"Yes, well I do find the subject easy," she said.
"Fascinating," Snape whispered, his eves roving over her body once again, "isn't it?" Lily laughed nervously, dying to get away.
"Yes, yes it is. Well, I'll see you tomorrow Severus."
"Good night, Lily," Snape replied. With one last smile and a flourish of his robes, he walked down the corridor towards the common room. After giving the password, the dungeon door opened and he climbed inside, leaving Lily alone and slightly frightened in the dark hallway.
Without any hesitation, she quickly made her way down the hallway and up several flights of stairs towards the Gryffindor Common Room. She glanced out a window and was startled to see several stars winking at her through the panes. I must have been wandering a long time…she thought.
"Miss Evans?" Lily looked up, startled, and found herself staring straight into Dumbledore's eyes, her shocked face reflected in his spectacles.
"Professor," Lily said, taking a step back and laughing nervously. "I didn't see you there." Dumbledore peered curiously down at her.
"What are you doing walking around this late?" he asked. "You're lucky you're Head Girl, otherwise you'd be in serious trouble." Lily laughed again.
"I realized that as soon as I looked out the window. I wasn't doing anything bad, honest Professor," she said. Dumbledore chuckled.
"I believe you, Miss Evans. Would you like to take a walk with me? Or have you had enough walking tonight?"
"N-no, I'll walk with you," Lily replied, slightly taken aback.
"Good," Dumbledore said, smiling. Lily followed Dumbledore past the Great Hall and out through the front doors and onto the grounds. The icy air filled Lily's body and took her breath away for a moment. At least it's not windy… Lily thought, pulling her cloak closer to shield her body from the cold. Dumbledore led her to the lake and after tapping his wand on a nearby rock, sat down and gestured for Lily to sit down beside him. She did so and found that the rock was pleasantly warm.
"So, Miss Evans, how are you?" Dumbledore asked, turning his head to look at her. Lily shrugged, avoided his eyes, and looked out over the dark lake.
"Fine, I suppose," she replied. "As fine as one can be during their last year of Hogwarts."
"You will miss the place, then?" Dumbledore asked.
"Of course I will," Lily said, "I've spent nearly half my life here." Dumbledore smiled and gazed up at the stars.
"Every student says that, but once they get out into the real world, they don't miss it anymore."
"I will," Lily replied certainly. "The real world is so… dangerous. Here at Hogwarts we're safe. We're protected. We've got a home and people looking after us."
"Yes, yes… you've got the best protection I can offer; which is quite a lot. You will do fine in the real world. You will thrive and be excellent at whatever you choose to do." Warmth spread throughout Lily's body at the compliment.
"Thank you, Professor."
"I hear you are considering becoming an Auror?" he asked.
"Yes, that or a potion master. But I'm not that into potions… I'm just good at it. And I don't think I'm brave enough to be an auror."
"Bravery comes with time, Miss Evans," Dumbledore replied. "You have all the skills necessary, you just need the heart. The confidence." Lily shrugged.
"I'm not calm when I'm faced with fear. I panic. I don't think straight. Like… last week. With the full moon and everything." Dumbledore nodded knowingly.
"That was a great, and sudden, test of courage. You were not expecting it."
"But an Auror is never expecting danger. They're just always looking for it," Lily contradicted.
"That is where you are wrong, Miss Evans," Dumbledore said. "An Auror is constantly on the look out for danger. They are constantly expecting it. They are trained to always be prepared and to expect that there will be danger around every corner."
"Oh… I didn't know that," Lily said softly. She stared out at the lake, its calm waters looking like glass. She pictured herself diving into it, breaking the calmness, and swimming through the thick blackness… smoothly pushing the water and guiding herself to whatever lay ahead.
"The Marauders would make great Aurors," Dumbledore commented suddenly. "They've trained themselves how to deal with danger and fear. They have the skills, the confidence… everything."
"I agree," Lily said. "They could be some of the best Aurors of our time… except, they can get a bit cocky sometimes." Dumbledore laughed.
"So, how are things between you and Mr. Potter?" Shocked, Lily was silent for a few moments. Since when did teachers want to know about their student's love lives?
"F-fine… I guess." Dumbledore raised his eyebrows at her, and Lily looked away. "Not fine."
"As I've heard," Dumbledore said.
"I don't know what happened, we just-"
"Shh…" Dumbledore raised a finger to his lips. "I do not want you to explain all your feelings to me, Miss Evans, because I can imagine how uncomfortable it would be. Just listen to what I have to say. Mr. Potter is a great man. He lied to you to protect his friends. The Marauders have been close since they first set foot in this castle, and nothing can break them. Except for one little lie. One little slip up. Jealousy ruled Peter to do what he did. He has never been quite as popular as James, Sirius, and Remus, and he wanted the glory for a moment. Just for a moment." Dumbledore paused for a moment before going on. "I've seen the way James looks at you, Miss Evans. And it is not the way a young boy looks at his crush. He loves you. He loves you with all his heart. And you would do best to put yourself in his shoes. He would've told you about Remus sooner or later, but it was to protect his friend from getting hurt. The Marauders had a bond of trust that they thought could never break. But now, it has. And it will never be re-sewn has tightly as it was before. He needs you. He needs your help."
A chilly wind blew across the grounds and the lake lapped against the warm rock Lily and Dumbledore were sitting on.
"I'm not used to giving speeches on love, Miss Evans," Dumbledore said, chuckling. "But I would hate to see the love you two share for each other go to waste, especially when James went to his limits to earn your trust and respect. Now that he's lost it, he will do anything to get it back. You still love him, I presume?"
"Yes, I do," Lily said quietly. Dumbledore stood up and laid his hand on Lily's shoulder.
"It is my duty to protect you from getting hurt, Miss Evans. Inside and out. This is the best I can do." He squeezed her shoulder and then walked back towards the castle, leaving Lily perched alone on the rock. She drew her knees to her chest and squeezed her eyes tightly shut. Her mouth trembled and tears formed beneath her lids.
She saw James' face that Christmas morning as she'd come running down the stairs, the necklace he'd given her clutched tightly in her hand. She felt his hands caressing her and the way her heart fluttered when he whispered,
"I love you," in her ear. Lily pressed her hand against her mouth as burning tears flowed down her cheeks. She let out a quiet sob and hung her head, feeling the weight of the world pressing down on her back. Standing up shakily, tears blurring her vision, Lily looked across the lake and to the Quidditch pitch beyond. Her eyes rose up to meet the dark sky, and she felt for a moment as though she might fly. She lifted her arms and her robes snapped around her body as a fierce gust of wind met her. Dieing to fly away from her life, Lily jumped.
The icy water surrounded her and sucked out all her air. It quickly froze the tears on her cheeks, and as she resurfaced, the chilly air pierced her lungs. Her shoes and cloak dragged her further down, and the water slid down her throat, filling her lungs and freezing her blood. She spat it back out as she resurfaced, the icy air filling her chest once again. Feeling as though someone had grabbed her head and was pushing her back down, further and further into the blackness, Lily thrashed about, screaming and crying out, tears still pouring down her face.
Suddenly, Lily found herself being dragged forcedly out of the water and thrown onto the shore. Strong hands gripped her shoulders and rolled her onto her back. The air pierced her skin and she cried out as she coughed and water spurted out of her mouth as she was pulled further up onto the grass, where she lay, wet and shivering. Familiar hands found the clasp to her cloak and undid it, wrapping another, dryer one, around her. With little effort, the hands picked her up and held her against a strong body. She laid her hand on the person's chest and felt the heart pulsing quickly under it. She began to cry again and let her head fall back as blackness overtook her. The person began to carry her across the grounds towards the castle, breathing heavily as they ran.
"It's going to be okay, Lily," he whispered.