Wow... so much hate for Shizuru in this most recent crop of reviews. This isn't ShizNat (as I've stated multiple times), but I don't think any exploration of Nao and Natsuki would be complete without Shizuru. Each of the three characters compliment the other two beautifully, and I did my best to reflect all of that in this chapter.
The emotion of this chapter was very complex, considering the characters involved, and the heightened tension of the situation. Lang's artwork came out quite a bit. I think the end result is something that was worth the work, so I hope you enjoy.
-----
Oh... shit.
Nao's heart began to race. Just seeing that face made her skin go clammy, sending her back to the times when she was trying to claw her way out of madness. She pushed down the bile rising up her throat, trying to keep a neutral expression.
To her credit, Shizuru never even blinked in surprise. "Ara... Nao-san. It's been a long time, hasn't it?" she spoke with warmth. That fake smile had always irritated the hell out of Nao.
Nao felt her own facade slide effortlessly into place, and she affected a disdainful frown, bordering on a sneer. "What are you doing here?"
Shizuru put on a slight pout, looking hurt at the cold reception. "I might ask you the same question."
Emerald eyes narrowed with annoyance. "I asked first, didn't I?"
"Very well..." Shizuru acquiesced eloquently. "My college goes on break earlier than Fuuka, so I thought I might come home to visit my beloved friend Natsuki." She inclined her head. "And you?"
"I... uh..." Shizuru's sudden appearance had given her a hell of an adrenaline rush, but her mind was still thick with sleep, and she was struggling to bring it up to speed. She settled for the truth. "I crashed here last night."
Shizuru's lips were pressed together in a thin line. "Rough night?"
Rubbing her head, Nao considered how she must look. Her hair was probably still matted to one side from where she had slept, her outdated uniform wrinkled and stained, her eyes bloodshot, and if she wasn't mistaken, she smelled faintly of vomit. Even Nao had to admit that Shizuru wore her attire extremely well, with her river of sandy-brown hair tumbling over her shoulders against the white. Feeling outmatched despite herself, she simply turned back and waved the older girl inside.
Despite her outward calm, Shizuru must have been terribly confused by this situation, Nao reasoned. She toyed with the notion of lying and creating a misconception, if only to see the outrage and jealousy on Shizuru's perfect face, but she would probably look rather foolish when Natsuki came home and explained. More likely than not, the plan would backfire. Rejecting the temptation, she instead stayed silent as she watched Shizuru trace her fingers along the counter top and glance inside the cupboards and fridge. Finally, she pulled up a chair and gazed in Nao's direction placidly. Nao reclaimed her place on the sofa while returning the expression.
"Natsuki isn't home?"
"No... its final exams today."
"I see." Shizuru replied. "And you?"
"No exams today." That wasn't technically true, but the one exam that she did have scheduled for the day was in a subject she wasn't going to pass even if she did show up.
"I do hope she knows you are here..."
Was that a threat? Her tone was so even, Nao couldn't be sure. "I'm right where she left me." she replied, evading the question.
Shizuru seemed to accept that without asking for clarification. "Do you see her often?"
"Well... on occasion." Nao was no stranger to seeing the jealous side of Shizuru, but if the older girl was angry, she was doing a much better job of hiding it than she ever had before. "We watch movies together."
"And do you sleep over often?"
Again with the dangerous questions in such a neutral voice. Despite Shizuru having not shown any hostility at all, Nao felt like she was pressed with her back against a wall. "... no. This is the second time, and neither were really under optimal circumstances." she replied honestly.
Shizuru nodded absently, her attention drifting off, apparently not caring for more explanation. The feeling of menace from her slowly faded, and Nao wondered if she had imagined it. She watched the older girl stare off at nothing, and shivered. She had never seen Shizuru look so... fragile. It was subtle, but there was a fragility to her normally implacable demeanor. Even with having sensed the opening, Nao hesitated to exploit it. She wasn't sure what to make of that. Life had changed so much in the last few months, and apparently Nao had changed with it. None of the emotions she associated with the strawberry hazel eyed woman were coming up as she expected them to. She knew what she was supposed to do... she would throw out an acidic comment or insult to bait out a response. It had almost been a reflex reaction. But now each cruel thing that came to mind felt weak or out of place, and she instead sat in silence for a time, seeped in uncertainty.
"It's so difficult..."
The words jolted Nao. "What is?" she asked despite herself.
Shizuru looked back to her, locking eyes with a renewed interest, as though she had forgotten Nao even existed for a time. "Natsuki."
That elicited a snort from Nao. "I suppose that's true."
"We were writing letters to each other... to keep in contact. Three weeks ago, they just stopped coming." Shizuru's mild eyes bored holes into her soul. "Did you have anything to do with that, Nao-san?"
Nao repressed a second shiver. Like I'd admit it even if I did. "What's between you and Natsuki is your own business. She never talks to me about it."
"My business..." The older girl echoed sadly. "Yes, I suppose it is."
Again she tried to think of something hurtful to say, but drew another blank. The redhead's stomach roiled in confusion. What the hell is wrong with me? She hardly needed an excuse to hate Shizuru; the woman was her natural enemy... a porcelain doll who used courtesy and manners as a shield instead of facing her problems head on. And if that wasn't enough, there was the issue of their mutual interest in Natsuki. The older woman hadn't exactly tried to keep her feelings a secret during the Festival, and there was no reason to expect they had changed in intervening time. So why I can't I bring myself to despise her like I used to?
In the silence, the explanation came to her. Because all that is really important to either of us is Natsuki, but we can't fight over someone who doesn't want to be had. The answer was a kick to the gut. The disaster last night had robbed Nao of her dreams, and she saw the sinking despair she felt in her own heart mirrored in Shizuru's face. And the thought of being similar to the demon she knew as Shizuru made her worry for her own sanity indeed.
-----
Natsuki slid her key into her door, determined to drop her school bag on the floor and pass out on her futon. She twisted the key to unlock, but there was no resistance. Why is my door already unlocked? she thought to herself, then decided she didn't care enough to worry. She pushed the door open, and nearly collapsed in shock. The apartment, which she had hoped would be empty, had the faces of the two people that she wanted to see the very least in the world. Nao regarded her with a neutral expression, but Shizuru made a warm yet slightly strained smile and rose to greet her.
"Natsuki... its been too long. I do apologize for dropping by unexpectedly." Shizuru embraced her tightly, an uncommon gesture for her.
"Mmm..." Natsuki agreed, returning the hug. "Don't worry about it. It's good to see you too." She tossed her school bag to the floor, then pulled the remaining chair out from the kitchenette. She positioned herself to be able to comfortably see both her guests before she sat. "I trust you two made yourselves at home?"
Nao arched her back as she stretched, resembling a cat. "As much home as there is to use." she confirmed.
"Natsuki's fridge has seen better days." Shizuru teased, her voice simmering like warm honey.
'Thirty seconds into the conversation and they're already ganging up on me.' she grimaced inside. "Sorry. There's some mayo left." she offered gamely.
"Unfortunately, that all that remains. And Natsuki knows mayo doesn't agree with my digestion."
Nao was more blunt. "I don't get how you can stand that shit."
Natsuki smoothed the premature wrinkles from her brow. Damn it. All I want to do is sleep... alone. "So... you're hungry?" Nao nodded, and Shizuru gave her an ambiguous smile. "Right. I'll order a pizza or something." She did not feel like playing hostess after getting no sleep and slogging through two long, painful final exams, but short of kicking them out, she didn't know what else to do.
She pushed the speed dial button on her phone, requesting delivery of an eight cut cheese pizza to her address. The two females were unnaturally silent while she ordered, something that scared her. Hanging the cordless phone up on its cradle, she turned back to see the two of them both spacing out. "What's wrong with you two? Did you have a fight while I was away?"
Shizuru turned back to Natsuki, shaking her head. "Nao-san has been uncharacteristically gracious."
Nao glanced at the tawny haired woman with a bored expression, as if she was trying to decide if she wanted to take that as an insult. "Sometimes I like to go for a few minutes without pissing anyone off... just to shake things up."
"An admirable goal. As Tasogare Miyamoto once said... 'Variety is herb with which we spice the meal that is our life'."
Oh boy. Natsuki wasn't sure how much of the friendliness in the bantered exchange she had just heard was feigned... knowing the two involved, probably most of it. "So!" she cut off Nao's retort with her interjection, heading off any potential ugliness before it started. "Shizuru... how are you liking college?"
"Ara..." Shizuru intoned and tilted her head innocently, returning Natsuki's gaze with guileless eyes. "You don't remember what I wrote to you?"
Her attempt to change the conversation to something better had failed utterly. There was a period of uncomfortable silence while Natsuki considered how to respond. "I... haven't opened the last couple letters."
"Ah..." Shizuru sighed, a resigned, sad smile on her face. "The answers you seek lie inside those poor, neglected envelopes."
A quick glance at Nao showed the younger girl making a half hearted attempt to conceal her amusement, something that darkened Natsuki's mood several shades. The slow but steady implosion of her friendship with Shizuru was something that she was still very confused about, and not something she felt comfortable with Nao watching. Feeling overwhelmed, she shot an angry glance at the redhead (which had no noticeable effect on the girl's expression) before turning back to her other uninvited guest. "Damn it Shizuru... I'm just trying to make conversation. Don't make it... seem..."
"Seem like what?" Shizuru asked delicately. "Like you've been ignoring me? What shall I make it seem like, then?"
Natsuki stared in shock. Shizuru's words were poison; a bitter resignation coated in a thin veiner of pleasantness. A feeling of undeserved guilt coiled in her stomach. She mentally retreated farther, a sense of emotional claustrophobia building. "This isn't really the time... to be talking about..."
"Oh... don't mind me." Nao's voice was coated with amusement. "I'll just be a fly on the wall. You two have your lover's quarrel."
Shizuru's eyes stayed locked with Natsuki even as she casually reproached Nao's comment. "Ara... you know Natsuki-chan and I don't have that sort of relationship."
"Oh?" came Nao's dry, feigned surprise.
"No." Shizuru confirmed, her voice heavy with emotion. "Natsuki-chan isn't capable of that sort of thing."
"Don't..." Natsuki breathed out the word frantically, but didn't know how to continue her sentence. All of the past guilt and fear closed around her heart like a vice; the price she was destined to pay for pushing away the people who cared about her. Finally, it had all come back to haunt her, collapsing down on her like a pile of bricks.
Her eyes must have been wide with panic, because Shizuru's expression slowly changed from the grimace into a more familiar, concerned gaze. "Natsuki... I..."
It was too late. She recoiled away from both of her guests, refusing to face the consequences, pushing them farther away still. "Get out. Now."
Shizuru got up out of her chair, reaching towards Natsuki. "I didn't want to..."
When the arm touched her shoulder, it burned like a brand. The last of Natsuki's emotional stability shattered like a fallen bottle, into a thousand crystalline shards. She lashed out.
-----
Shizuru saw the hand coming, but made no move to avoid it. Natsuki's hand impacted against her cheek, making a slapping noise that seemed to echo in the silence following it. Shizuru could feel a sharp stinging where the side of her face was slowly turning red, and stoically absorbed what had happened.
She withdrew the offending hand, dropping it back to her side. "I... I see. I'm sorry."
This is not my Natsuki-chan. It was a horrible realization. But every quality about Natsuki that had attracted her through their time together in high school seemed to have fled the raven haired girl in the months they had spent apart. Where was the strong yet deliciously malleable girl who had looked up to her? Where was the yearning that Natsuki herself refused to admit? A crushing weight descended upon Shizuru... realizations that she had made weeks ago yet chosen to disregard were being forced upon her again. Is this it? Is this the end? With that slap, it felt like the final bindings between them burned and fell. Shizuru walked backwards in small steps, clasping her hands in front of her in a formal, feminine bow. "I'm sorry... for everything." she repeated, though it sounded less like an apology. "I'll be leaving now." After a moments pause, she bowed again to Nao, then turned and left.
Tears streamed down her face, and she tried to wipe them away. Lights and sounds passed her in a blur as she fled down the hall... away from broken hearts and shattered dreams.
-----
Nao sat up off the couch, watching Natsuki as she stared at the door. Nao's heart thudded in her chest, barely able to believe what she had just witnessed, an odd mixture of nervousness and a perverse sense of victory pervading her. She treaded lightly, walking around to see Natsuki's expression. The girl in front of her looked shell-shocked. Nao cleared her throat. "Well... eh... that sucks."
The unenthusiastic attempt at empathy backfired horribly, and Natsuki's expression snapped into a rage. "Shut up. Shut your god damn mouth." Nao raised her hands defensively, trying to apologize, but Natsuki talked straight over her, her eyes wild. "What are you still doing here? Do you think I've forgiven you for what happened last night?"
The redhead's expression fell to a cold neutral. She opened her mouth, trying to think of something that could summarize her feelings to her enraged and hurt friend, but she failed. Sick of the drama and fighting, Nao finally decided to simply take the path of least resistance, and walked out silently, leaving a very alone Natsuki in her wake.
-----
Nao didn't make it very far... she just leaned against the wall next to Natsuki's door and slid down into a sitting position against the wall. She clenched her hand into a fist, grinding it against carpeted hallway floor. The turbulent emotional roller coaster of the last day had left her drained, and she didn't have the strength to try and decode whatever the final result had been from the day. She was too mixed up... and hungry.
As she thought this, she spotted a man in a red uniform walking up towards the door she sat beside, bearing a white, oblong box. He stopped before her, looking at her dubiously. "Did you order an eight cut cheese pizza?"
"... yes. Yes I did." She smiled at him sweetly, holding out her hands without rising.
He handed over the box, and watched her open it and tear into a slice like a starving woman. He waited until she had devoured nearly half the piece before he cleared his throat. "You wanna pay me?"
She stopped chewing slowly, raising her eyes to his with deliberate intent. "Do you want to leave here with your genitals intact?"
He tried to stare down at her even gaze, but looked away and swallowed. After straightening his collar, he muttered something about 'on the house' and walked away.
Nao returned to her pizza slice, eating slower and savoring the flavor. Somehow, it tastes even better now. She glanced towards the oaken surface of the door to Natsuki's apartment. The sounds of a choked sobbing were leaking out under the door. Nao reached out, pressing a single, grease covered finger against the door, wishing that she could somehow give comfort. That longing... the feeling that she actually wanted to help someone... she still hadn't entirely gotten used to it, but she didn't mind it either. After a time, she let the finger drop and turned back, leaning flat against the wall with a small grin. Somehow, even with everything that had happened, she had a feeling that everything would end up working out.