Picture framed
Accessing authors note:Password accepted
: Well this chapter is really weird. The major concern I have is you must note that in this chapter there are two stories happening on the same day but they take place at different times and sometimes because the are happening at the same time you will have to go back in time to redo the same hour in both stories. If that doesn't make sense even after reading the chapter please email me and I will try again.
WARNINGS: Sever angst/ bipolar changes to extremely funny scenes after said angst. Most importantly verbal abuse from a parental figure and some foul language and adult material.
Song: lying my way from you by: Linkin Park
When I pretend…
Eyes of the darkest forest and the purest emerald stare out of his room. Kurama turned and began to ready himself for his life. His breath deepened as he calmed himself.
Everything is what I want it to be…
'What do I want?' Keiko thought as she tapped her finger on the kitchen table. The idea that she had been asked a question like that seemed mocking.
"Dear, What do you want I can't read minds?"
Any one could read hers though. The reason her mom had asked had been automatic, she already knew the answer because she hadn't really been asking.
I look exactly like you had always wanted to see…
A reflection of a red haired human who could never do wrong or fail. A picture seared in his mind. A reflection of average girl brown hair, brown eyes who could never be more than that. A picture of her attempts to be more, to show them.
When I pretend, I can forget about the criminal I am,
Kurama looked downstairs and his mother looked up from her breakfast to greet him.
She gasped, "Oh, Shuichi what happened to you arm?"
He looked at the slice that went from his elbow until it disappeared under his shirt. His face showed slight surprise.
"I must have hurt myself in my sleep…I don't remember getting hurt."
Stealing second after second just 'cause I know I can…
Kurama walked into the bookstore after a boy remarkably like Yusuke. He would be perfect, just in case. Kurama and the boy walked past a bookshelf, five books disappeared. The shopkeeper nearby noticed and pounced on the boy. Kurama left the shop with a faux smile and five new books.
'If only I could steal time.'
But I can't pretend this is the way it will stay…
Keiko looked at the flower she was holding. her mother had insisted she bring it and that she apologize...Keiko knew she didn't care. If another had truly cared she would have asked why she had hit him. She would complaining about this to higher-ups or even telling her daughter it was alright. Her mom wanted her to apologize. A flower petal feel softly, a symbol of change and still when she looked at it she couldn't help but think 'how long can this last...'
I'm just Tring to bend the truth...
Poised in the doorway to her classroom she waited desperately for him to enter. She watched as the entire class slowly filed in, what a day for him to be late. He entered just as the bell screamed...his steps resounding over the now silent classroom.
I can't pretend I who you want me to be...
Kurama put the filched books into his extra locker. No one used it so he would...waste of space, right? He entered his classroom. The teacher a new and young teacher smiled at his late arrival. He sat down and smiled back at her...she blushed and continued her lesson.
The classmate that was sitting behind Kurama leaned forward and whispered into Kurama's ear "So...is that how you get good grades, pretty-boy...but how can you stand her she's such a boar(pun)?"
Kurama turned around and faced the slightly familiar boy and smiled venom sparkling in his emerald eyes. "It's better to keep your mouth shut and appear stupid than to open your mouth and remove all doubt." He quoted gently.
So I'm lying my way from you...
Lunch, Kurama hated lunch. He ran to his locker and pulled out his sandwich and walked to the library to be alone. As soon as he entered a librarian informed his loudly and smiling sweetly that he could not eat in here.
"No need to worry, I'm already done." He tossed his uneaten food into the trash, he felt a pang of sadness at his mother's hard work going to waste. The librarian smiled and was on her way. Leaving him alone, alone with the buzzing electric lights.
no, no turning back now...
Keiko had a wild moment, the kind you have where time slows so you can examine your choices and decide what to do even if you never thought of any of the options besides the one you were told to do. She had 2...no 3 options...#1 run now, not really a good choice because she had already taken a step into the room. #2 swallow her pride and do what her mom wanted her to do, say that she was sorry and get back to her life. She took a deep breath and looked up. She managed a strained apologetic smile. her hands tightened around the flower.
I wanna be pushed aside...
The bell rang Kurama didn't move. He didn't want to go to math. He loved math and yet...he just couldn't stand that anymore. He just sat there looking at nothing. He was Tring to be invisible...really really hard. His thoughts swirled around the same thing. What he wanted most in the world right now...or ever. He knew he couldn't be expected to be cared for who he was...no one knew who he was. Not even him.
So let me go...
Keiko was walking toward his desk. Eyes from the whole class looked at her. They didn't understand. They didn't even know. Step. Step. 'I'll just walk up to his desk' Keiko thought. 'That's all I'll just give him the flower and apologize, clearly and loudly. I don't even have to look at him. I get it over with, it can't be that bad.'
She was looking at the floor, a walk of shame, to his desk. Step. Step. Then she looked up. She saw his face. The sheer joy plastered all over it.
'I'll just not look at him' she vowed to herself. 'I can do this. I'll swallow my pride. I'll swallow...'
No turning back now...
He hadn't moved He didn't want any evidence of his existence, that he was ever here, that he had ever breathed. He looked at the desk. 'Nothing ever stays the same...time has passed and I've changed but I can't forget and I can't adapt, all I can do is sit here. Stay stuck between two worlds in a limbo unless I'm...
Let me take back my life...
Keiko looked at her teacher, and he looked at her in a faux puzzled sort of way. She could still see his underlying amusement.
'Very well' she thought, 'option three.'
She reached his desk and smiled sweet as honey at him. "Professor," She began her expression changing to one of shame, "I came here to apologize for hitting you the other day, as my mother commanded." She paused.
"Well I don't..."He began, but was interrupted.
"I'm not near being finished, Professor, I am deeply, deeply," She layered the last word thickly with lust, batting her eyelashes coquettishly, "deeply sorry for my actions. I defended myself against an older male whom I'm expected to put my trust in and little did I know I should have been flattered by you request." The room was silent. Keiko paused and stared at the shocked man. "Next time I will be grateful to what was it...'swallow all that you are.'. Oh here's your flower, sir." She took a step forward and he flinched and closed his eyes. When he slowly opened his eyes they were met with narrowed brown eyes.
SMACK.
She smashed her hand over his rose and across his face and pulled down. He fell to the ground unconscious. Red streaks ran down his cheek to match the red rose petals strewn across the ground.
She turned on her heel and strode out of the room. She hesitated just as she reached the doorway and turned to speak to the silent room. "I seem to have disrupted your class."
I'd rather be all alone...
Kurama left the library, school was over, for some reason no one seemed to care that he hadn't been to class. He just smiled and waved like usual. He behaved as he normally would and even his teachers didn't seem to mind.
He got his books and walked to the gate. A shadowed figure was standing there. Kurama noted the stance and found himself gasping.
'Hiei.' He breathed. Hiei stepped out of the darkness and looked up.
No, no turning back now...
Keiko ran out of the building and kept her pace. Her breath stung in her throat, even though the cold morning air was warming with the day. She walked down the busy streets, avoiding her parents café and walked to the bridge. She wanted to go back, but she just kept walking. She had been the good girl all her life, she hadn't even complained and now she was about to break. She needed to be selfish. She watched the light dance over the water. She began to worry...how much trouble was she going to be in now? Then she thought of Yusuke.
Anywhere on my own...
Hiei looked up at the startled and disappointed kitsune. "Look Kurama," He started, then stopped. He had been so resolved this was a fool's errand.
Yukina had told him that 'Kurama doesn't feel well...go see him.' He hadn't left until she'd told him that she thought Kurama might be suicidal. She had said she couldn't do anything about it because she wasn't close enough or strong enough should they need to use brute strength. He was 'perfect'. He couldn't understand how she had gotten such a silly notion. How could the kitsune want to die. How weak did she think Kurama was?
He looked at him now and saw him, wounded and tired. "Don't kill yourself." He stated. Kurama fell to the ground.
Cause I can see...
'Yusuke' She thought. She could imagine him beside her. She couldn't think of a word he could say but was felling better with just the thought of him beside her. He just had to stand there...being Yusuke, smelling like Yusuke...felling like Yusuke. That was all she needed.
She felt the day wane. The sun turned coppery and golden. Even though he wasn't there she felt surrounded by Yusuke. The sun that kissed the front of her face and dyed her hair gold was his fingers and lips brushing against her. She closed her eyes. He was here...he was...
"Keiko?" Yusuke's voice the only thing she couldn't imagine called. She turned. He was really there, Tears she hadn't known she'd been crying slid down her face.
"Yusuke." She shuddered as she fell to the ground.
"Keiko!" He cried alarmed. He rushed to her side and watched as she cried. He reached out tentatively to touch her. She moved away from his touch.
"Yusuke, just stay here okay" She hugged her knees and continued to cry.
No, no turning back now...
Hiei stared and so did everyone else nearby. Kurama seemingly not noticing this increase in attention simply watched an ant as it crawled past him. Finally Hiei decided to distract his friend from his newest ant watching hobby.
"Kurama, don't worry, your mother is fine but you better hurry with me to the hospital." It appeared to be work. Less humans were watching them now. Hiei began to walk away. Kurama stood and caught up noticing Hiei's determinedly slow pace. Hiei seemed to have a destination in mind.
"Where are we going?" Kurama spoke after a moment of contemplation.
"The park." Hiei stated. Just before Kurama could ask what park Hiei meant the city abruptly ended and wild began. The dead end street would normally spell a wrong turn but in the case of Hiei it WAS the destination.
The trees loomed over the orderly houses in a rather ominous manner. Like a weed peaking through the concrete. Like Kurama among his classmates, a flower among leaves. Kurama rarely felt this at home, this comfortable. He Began to walk faster through the woods. Hiei watched him, letting his eyes soften.
The very worst part of you...
Picture frames that don't quite fit,
Perfect pain and a bloody rip,
You see the past as it moves past you,
Too fast so you move faster,
Footprints in the perfect snow,
People that you'll never know,
They die and you don't feel sorrow,
The criminal that hides inside the saint,
Higher standards,
Perfect rank,
Close you eyes and say you fit,
Pretend to be a hypocrite.
I remember what they taught to me...
Keiko stood in front of her house. Yusuke was next to her, watching her nervously. After she had cried she had refused to tell him what was wrong, but whatever it was it was bad. Keiko never skipped school.
"Yusuke," She started, "Thanks." She seemed as if she wanted to say more.
"Look, Keiko if you don't wanna go home..."Yusuke offered.
"I have to." She interrupted.
"Keiko" He tried again.
"Stop Yusuke. It's fine." She had to face the facts, why couldn't he understand that running away wouldn't do anything. "I just don't want to talk right now. I'll see you tomorrow." She turned and hurried away.
Yusuke just stared at the house blankly for a minute. "That doesn't make any sense!" He yelled at the house.
Remember condescending talk of who I ought'a be...
Kurama closed his eyes, he was not sure how far into this forest he had managed to get, but now all he could feel was wilderness. He felt so free.
"So, Kurama." Oh no somehow an interrogation from Hiei was not the best thing he could have imagined.
"Yes, Hiei?" Kurama questioned.
"Tell me." Never mind interrogation he was going to be ordered, So Hiei, it almost made him smile.
"I just can't take it sometimes," He dove in. Why not? "My mom wants me to be perfect and I want to be that for her but sometimes..." He looked at Hiei a dark pain in his eyes. "I know I'll fall short because of my nature. I'll fail because of who I am. I know it's not my fault, even though I really don't know who else to blame."
"You can't be blamed." Hiei stated without turning to look at him. "For being human."
"I did choose to be human, Hiei." Kurama almost sighed.
"Only when backed into a corner and only in form." Hiei almost whispered.
"What do you mean, only in form?"
Hiei shrugged "You choose a form and your mind reacted."
"I remember my mother telling what I could be when I grew up. She said I could be anything and I believed her. Then I went out in the world and you find out he truth. They want you to be 'normal' and that you would always be working just to get anywhere. Let alone where you want to go. Growing up seems to crush the dreams out of people, and the only people who seem to remember that you need dreams are parents, who keep telling their children 'you can be anything.'" He felt overwhelmed just thinking about it and let himself lie back on the grass.
Hiei looked over at Kurama's relaxed form and sighed. "You sound like a ningin."
"I am a ningin, Hiei." Kurama said as he closed his eyes.
Wind blew through the clearing. "No your not." Kurama could feel Hiei's breath as he said that. He opened his eyes to a very serious looking Hiei.
"You win." Kurama said softly and a little ruefully.
"I did didn't I" Said Hiei as he pulled back and relaxed. "Let's go Kitsune."
"Where?" Kurama questioned curiously.
"Your house...it's almost dark."
Remember listening to all of that and this again...
Keiko stood by the door for awhile. The house was in darkness but she could faitly make out the sounds of the T.V. upstairs. She slowly began the ascension up the stairs. Slowly, an eternity was passing with each and every step. When she reached the top of the stairs she could see the light from the T.V. seeping under the door like blue flames. They licked and danced at the floor and her feet. She opened the door, her mother looked up. Disgust raptured her features.
"Keiko." she dead panned.
"Yes, mom?" Keiko's voice cracked nervously.
"I really couldn't care less if you throw your life away but leave me out of it."
"What life?" Keiko retorted angrily.
"Don't talk to me that way. You're so ungrateful." Her words cracked like a whip.
"I made my life the way it is. You can't make me feel bad for deciding to continue breathing after breaking it, when you've never been a part of it. You had nothing to do with how my life is now." She felt liberated as long as she continued to yell it would be okay. "NOTHING!" Her real feelings fell to the floor around her. For the second time that day she felt wrong and right and for the second time that day she lost her temper.
"Oh, nothing? huh? Why you ungrateful little brat! I tried my hardest all these years to raise you right and give you all you need, and then you come back here with all of your shit dreams of your's. You think your so much better than the rest of us. You'll be shit just like me. Can't you see that. There is no light at the end of the tunnel unless it's a train. We're fucked and this whole city is fucked. Learn where you belong as a fucking peice of shit like your father, like me. Quit acting like your shit don't stink, miss perfect."
Keiko ran from the room images of her mother's anger face fighting with her tears to be the only things she could see. She fell to the ground as broken as her dreams, fumbling until she reached the bottom of the stairs. She hugged the stairwell sobbing into the oak wood. The light of a night light banishing the cold blue fingers of that blue T.V. light that threatened to consume her.
So I pretended up a person who was fitting in...
Kurama reached out a hand to the doorknob and waited. Hiei stood near him in the tiny hutch. Hiei twisted his body to get a view of Kurama's face. Kurama looked like he was calculating.
"Kurama?"
"Huh?" Hiei looked at Kurama. "I'm deciding if this is okay."
"What?"
"If you come in." Kurama said helpfully.
"I wont if you have to think about it." He turned to leave.
"No wait, Hiei..."
"It's fine Kitsune."
"No it's not that's not what I meant." Kurama's eyes pleaded with Hiei to stay, his pride kept him from speaking another word however. Hiei understood.
"Hn" He mumbled as way of consent. Not willing to pause again, Kurama opened the door.
And now you think this person really is me...
Keiko woke to the smell of morning and carpet. Slightly confused she looked down to see she had slept on the stairs. She must have made noise when she stirred because her mother was kneeling next to her almost immediately.
"Keiko, Look I don't know what has gotten into you, but I want it to stop. Promise not to do this again and we'll forget about the whole thing, I wont even tell your father okay?"
"I'm sorry" Keiko muttered. Her mother smiled. Long after her mom had left she was still standing there staring at the front door.
And I'm trying to bend the truth...
Kurama stepped into his house and paused to look around. He began to breathe easier and no signs of life were discovered. The rooms were still dark. Kurama began his ascent up the stairs. Hiei felt the house for a moment and literally heard the quite descend and decided there and then that he never wanted to live in such an empty hallow home.
Kurama made an effort to push Hiei into his room hurriedly and quickly turned, shut the door and locked it all in one easy movement. Hiei had a moment of distrust and turned around to find all exits where he remembered them to be.
Kurama saw this and tried to explain "My mother will be home soon" He said delicately.
"Hn." was Hiei's response. He seemed to relax after that.
To bend the truth...
Keiko walked out the front door. She heard the whispers of her classmates but she continued to walk with her head held high. Yusuke gave her a pleading look upon sight.
She saw it everywhere, all around, she was drenched in it. Their pity. Everyone thought they knew, thought they could understand and they may even really feel bad, but behind all of their pitying eyes was the truth. They were all glad that it was her and not them.
But the more I push...
At break Yusuke sat next to Keiko on the rooftop. He wanted to ask her. She ignored his hints the best she could. Yusuke reached out his arm to put around her.
The more I'm pulling away...
Keiko struggled to escape his grasp. "Stop." She chided him. He looked at her begging her to speak to him to tell him what was wrong.
"There is nothing to say." She repeated to him again. He tried to return his arm. She pulled away.
"GO pity someone else!" She nearly shouted.
"I couldn't even if I wanted to pity you, You wont tell ,e what's wrong remember?" Yusuke stopped and lowered his voice. "Besides I..." He trailed off. Keiko's eyes widened.
Cause I'm lying my way from you...
Kurama heard the door open up downstairs. He turned to Hiei, panicked. Hiei looked back at him, placidly confused.
"What's wrong?" He asked.
"My mom."
Understanding what Kurama meant he asked "You have friends right? Yusuke's come over before."
"Yes, but your different."
"Well, yes, but..." Kurama cut him off with a 'shh...' Putting his finger to his lips. "Don't shh me, Kitsune." He stated as he walked to the door.
"Hiei!" Kurama said alarmed flinging himself between the door and Hiei.
"Kurama." Hiei growled warning him. Hiei attempted to push him aside.
"Shuichi?" Came the confused voice of Shiori.
Muffled laughter filled the room, suddenly as Botan settled in the window of Kurama's room. She surveyed the scene. Kurama braced against the door, with Hiei pushing vainly at him. Beyond all that the people involved seemed capable of was saying each other's names with reproach. Kurama began to blush. Hiei looked slightly confused at how the fox reacted.
"Botan!" Kurama said shakily trying to push Hiei's hands away. They didn't move however Hiei's determination and Botan's laughter intensified. "How am I going to deal with..." Kurama began but was interrupted by the door opening. He fell backwards into the hallway with Hiei tumbling ungracefully on top of him.
Shiori looked down at her stunned son and Botan continued her laughing.
"I thought I locked that." Kurama groaned.
This isn't what I wanted to be...
"Stop" Keiko said To fill the silence that descended.
"What are you complaining about! You go on and on about how sad you are but you wont tell me what's wrong!" Yusuke yelled.
"I don't want to talk about it." Keiko retorted.
"Why?"
"It hurts." Her voice just above a whisper.
"Is this making it better? Does this make you feel good?"
I never thought what I said would have you running from me...
"How can you be so heartless, Yusuke?" She sobbed. "Your right though Yusuke."
"Shut up. Don't say that it makes me sound smart."
"Huh?"
"You're strong Keiko."
"Crying is not a weakness." She practically shouted.
"Not telling me might be a weakness though? Huh?" Yusuke ventured.
"I don't know." She stated truthfully.
"That's Okay. I can...wait..you know...forever...If you ask."
"Thanks." Her voice a hoarse whisper.
Like this...
Kurama sat alone in his room besides Botan. Hiei had left moments ago and his mother was happy her little Shuichi had friends. He turned to Botan.
"Kurama, I have something to tell you. You should look into anything 'strange' happening lately. There may be something that we're missing."
"Okay are there any specifics?" Kurama's tone suggested worry and confusion.
"I can't tell you and also...don't tell anyone else yet. We can't worry them yet."
"How solemn"
"Only to punctuate the importance." She said vacuously.
"Goodnight." Kurama said trying to sound cheerful. She smiled and flew out his window.
The very worst part of you...
When Keiko returned home she apologized for being late and ate dinner in silence. She stood when she was done and went up the stairs. She sat on her bed and stared at the ceiling.
After a moment of doing nothing she pulled a shoe-box from under her bed. This simple box had some of her favorite things in it. There was a pile of pictures, some postcards and a mirror. She decided to start her scrapbook and pulled out the stuff she would need. She needed something in this empty room to be hers. She looked at her favorite picture, everyone standing together.
The very worst part of me...
Kurama stood in the bathroom trying to avoid the mirror, but he couldn't escape his reflection. He left the room dejected. He needed to be himself to himself but the mirror had a point too. He also was that reflection.
He sat down on his bed. Hiei had showed up so that must mean Yukina was worried. He sat in the silence, then his mother's padding could be heard in front of his door. She pushed an envelope under the door. He lifted it. It was from Keiko. Pictures fell out.
Is me...
She didn't know why...He couldn't explain it...Her hand grasped the scissors...His hands caressed the blade...Swisch swisch...Slice slice slice...The crescendo began...Keiko smiled...Kurama stared...Slice Swisch slice.
Pictures lay scattered over the floor. Memories were kept. In every group shot there was an empty space. To both of them this was a perfect world. Keiko saw a world without her. Kurama saw a world without him.