4. Carlotta's Answering Machine
Carlotta went into the living room, muttering under her breath in her native tongue about how hard she was always working. The red button on her answering machine blinked enticingly and she pressed play.
Beep!
"I must be quick, for fear of being beaten by a lamp!" By now, all of you should know who this is. "But, let me say… Your boyfriend is fat! Ha!"
Well, that was certainly uncalled for. Especially since her boyfriend was dead…
Beep!
"Senora, what is with you and poodles?" An unknown voice asked. "I mean, they're cute and all but… And why are you the prima donna, you've got to admit that Christine is better."
"How dare she?" Carlotta thought. If you looked hard enough, you could see the smoke pouring from her ears. Christine was nothing compared to she, the great Carlotta!
As she fumed, the voice switched from its mature tone and began to speak in a high, childish voice.
"Your boyfriend dies! Your boyfriend dies! Oh and by the way… Co-ak! Co-ak! Co-ak!"
Insane giggling poured through the phone. Carlotta hit the delete button and began to rant in her native tongue about how terrible these children were and how "You geeve one pearsun youuur phun numbae and soodenly efferybotty 'as youur numba!"
Beep!
"Hello, this is Poddles 'R' Us calling. We regret to inform you that, no, there are no purple poodles to go with your purple dress. So, you'll have to accessorize like everyone else and buy a necklace. Good-bye."
Oh, darn. She had been counting on a purple poodle for her evening out…
Beep!
"Those who have heard your voice, draw back in fear!" the first girl was calling again. "Please get some singing lessons, you sound like a cat caught in a gear. You know we turn from you and still we find that voice like a broken can-opener is there, inside our minds!"
Well, other than the fact that the lyrics were terrible (A/N: You try coming up with something better), that was very insulting. Carlotta mumbled something along the lines of "Dis is an out-RAGE!", and deleted the message.
Beep!
"Carlotta? This is Raoul."
Oh, God, what did that stupid fop want?
"I can't find any Herbal Essences, and Christine won't lend me any more of hers until I replace the mousse I used. The stores are all sold out and there's a strand of my hair that simply won't stay smooth! Please lend me some of your Herbal Essences. I beg of you."
Carlotta deleted the message with a smug laugh. No way was he going to get any Herbal Essences out of her!
Beep!
"Hello, Carlotta." A new voice came from the machine (A/N: This is the girl who kills certain authoresses with lamps). "I was just wondering how you were doing… and, I wanted to inform you that you look and dress like a drag queen. That is all."
Beep!
How dare that wretch, talking to the great Carlotta in such a way?
"Wait, that wasn't all. I meant an ugly drag queen."
Carlotta's black poodle ran into the room and piddled on Carlotta's shoe. She was too angry to notice.
Beep!
"Carlotta, this is Raoul again. Seriously, I need some Herbal Essences this instant!"
That damned fop. Didn't he realize that she didn't care about him or his hair?
There was one message left. Carlotta stared at the machine as it began to play.
"…You suck! Muahahahahahahaha!"The shrill voice said. "Wait… oh, crap… Not the lamp! I'm sorry! I was just leaving a silly message! Don't hurt me! Oh, God, Why? Why?"
Sobbing came from the machine as well as something glass shattering. Screams of agony and evil laughter followed.
Disgusted, the disgruntled diva pressed the delegate button and blocked out the shrill girl's agonies. She had better things to do.