Shattered Reminiscences

By Scarlet Rayne

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Chapter 8

The sky started to rain again, as she gently caressed his dampened hair. Her house was dark, since she didn't bother to switch the lights on. The sound of his breathing was echoing in her mind, as she studied the outlines of his face.

What the hell was she going to do now?

She had felt so mentally challenged, felt so physically weak. She almost had it.

Almost.

She thought she could end her relationship with him right there and then, but in the end, she gave in. She realized that she was not strong, not ignorant enough to resist the ever-growing temptation to keep him.

To never let him go, to hold him tight.

Bursting into tears, she hugged him back ever so firmly, securing her senses, relieving her fears of not having him by her side.

For the mean time.

She knew she was going to break. It was just a matter of time, where she would break open her anxieties, her frustrations, her pains, and let them all out. The soreness of her tender, fragile heart felt like it was being rubbed with salt over and over again.

His position shifted, pulling her attention back to him. He was lying on her lap on the floor, as she leaned on her door for further comfort for her back. Closing her eyes, tears of grief and fear washed over her.

What the hell was she going to do now?

She loved him so much, she could trade lives so that he could keep his. Her love for him was so deep, she would rather endure the tormenting pain meant for him, than for him to even break a nail.

Her marriage was in three weeks, and her answer was due in two.

… What, the hell was she going to do now?

"The dresses here are beautiful," Kaoru smiled weakly, as Kenshin tightened his grip on her hand. "I don't know which one to choose."

One week had passed, and today was Saturday, her second week. She only had one day left, before Enishi would call her. No doubt she was growing more tensed within every minute. Ever since her incident with Kenshin, she had lost all power to concentrate on the things she did. Her thoughts kept on wandering away, drifting off to a deep and faraway place, where all what ifs lived and resided all day long.

"I tell you what," he said grinning. "I'll choose the bridal gown for you, and you'll choosea tuxfor me. Deal?"

She nodded, as he whispered cheekily. "I'll keep in mind to choose a veryvery sexy one for you, so don't you worry about that." In response she raised an eyebrow in amusement, as he walked away in laughter.

Smiling to herself, she went to the tuxedoes department, and looked at each pair closely. After a few moments, she picked out a simple one. 'If he wore this,' she thought to herself in a small, hidden smile, 'He definitely going to look hotter than he already is.'

Holding it up, she suddenly felt a tap on her shoulder. Turning to look, she was greeted by a lovely white wedding gown, with floral stitches at the bottom. It wasn't bulky or puffy, but it looked body-hugging and silky.

It was simply charming to look at, to say the least.

"What do you think?" he asked, positioning it in front of his body.

"It's beautiful." She replied, giving him her most convincing smile. "Here, I chose this one." She held hers up, now positioning it on her body.

"Perfect."

When she entered the dressing room, she carefully locked the door, as she turned around. Now deserted with the mirror and her chosen wedding gown, she leaned against the door, staring at her reflection.

It was definitely not the face of a woman who was going to marry the man she deeply adored.

Shifting her gaze towards the gown, she went over and touched the fabric. Trailing the beautiful detailed stitches, she observed every inch of the dress. Capturing a mental picture of it in her mind, she hugged the gown tightly, as she felt a lump in her throat. The dress was so perfect.

The man she was going to marry was perfect.

But she knew that no matter how perfect they were, she wasn't going to get the chance to wear this perfect dress, or get the chance to marry her perfect man.

With that thought in mind, she hugged the dress tighter, tears welling up in her eyes. She was just so close. So close.

And yet it was just so far.

She hated the downbeat feelings that were crawling in her heart. She hated the dreadful anxieties, the lingering fear that mingled around every inch in her body. She hated them so much. Everything felt so ruined, everything that was so right, turned so wrong.

So very wrong.

Many moments passed, and all she did was hold unto the dress firmly, deep thoughts flooding through her head. Suddenly she heard a knock on her door, making her head turn to the door's direction. "Kaoru, are you done?"

Gathering her voice, she tried to sound as happy as she could. "Give me a minute!"

Shifting her attention back to the dress, she unzipped it, and slowly took off her clothes. In the middle of it, she heard Kenshin's beeper beeping from the dressing room. Continuing with her task, she was almost done when Kenshin gave a hurried knock on her door again.

She heard a shuffling noise.

"Kaoru, I'm really sorry but I've got to go. Duty calls. I'll call you tonight, alright?"

Instantly stopping in her actions, her brain halted in alarm. 'No, no, no, no, no, don't go..' her heart screamed. Swallowing back her tears, she wanted to tell him – "Please don't go, please. We don't have much time together, please, just don't go.."

But she knew it was very selfish of her. Other people's lives were probably at stake right now, and here she was, drowned with her selfish thoughts.

"Kaoru?"

"Yeah sure, go, I'm fine. Have fun!"

"Are you sure?"

"Of course I'm sure, you nut. Break a leg!"

He laughed. "Sure love. Take care of yourself alright?"

She heard his quick footsteps fading into the background, as she continued zipping up her dress. Adjusting the dress properly, she creased the small wrinkles away. Looking at her reflection in the mirror, she gasped softly.

She did look nice, she had to admit, despite her sleep deprived expression.

Hands exploring the surface of the silky fabric once more, she blinked slowly at the mirror. Eyes gazing forlornly at her gown, her desire of keeping it started to overflow in her heart.

But the deep longing of keeping and relishing the joy of having Kenshin was even more mind blowing. He was all she ever wanted, all she ever dreamed of in her life. And yet.. it was not going to be. It was never going to be. Slowly, miserable thoughts started attacking her mind, as she descended down to the floor, legs bent upward, hands on her knees, head buried in her arms.

She couldn't take this anymore.

She was useless, she knew. She had never felt so pathetic in her life, where all she did all week was sob and cry, curse and mope, and yet.. at the end of the day she didn't have the power to do anything about it.

She just couldn't take this anymore.

It was more than she could handle. She felt a big part of her being snatched and burned away bit by bit, and the temptation of killing herself there and then just to escape the ever-growing immense pain was alluring.

But she knew she couldn't.

Loosing the one she loved so much, letting him go.. was harder than she could ever imagine. The fact of never having him close, to touch, to look, to talk to…. or to have him at all..

It was only a matter of time. A matter of time, when she started weeping uncontrollably.

Author's Note: I can't believe I'm updating this fiction while my end term exams are just a week away :P. Ahhh, I tried making this as deep as I could, really.

But I can see that this isn't working out, eh? But oh well. I gave it my best shot. Anyway, moving on..

Additional Foot Notes: I'm trying very hard to picture the distress and pain Kaoru is going through. I hope I managed to get that across your head. This chapter is basically to just reflect on the frustrations Kaoru is going through, since she's so terribly in love with Kenshin, and yet she can't have him.

She's trying to adjust herself with the particular fact, but isn't really successful. Hopefully my next chapter has some real action in it, if you found this chapter dull :).

And yes, mr. I'm-too-cool-even-for-myself would be appearing in the next chapter. (the one with the shockingly white hair)

Review please!