Disclaimer: Harry Potter and all related characters and ideas are the whole intellectual property of Ms. J.K. Rowling and are hers alone to sell. I do not receive, nor would I accept any compensation for any of the owned intellectual property of Ms. Rowling (nor that which she has licensed to WB etc.). What follows is just a wacky little ditty I wanted to get out of my brain. It only got there because I so love that which Ms. Rowling created. No copyright infringement is intended.

***Two Notes…

1)The next chapter won't be as quick as this one was – this bit was written ages ago when I first came up with this idea. I only had to tweak it a bit to account for slight changes the story has had since I first wrote it…

2) Alright… this is for those who were a bit nervous about Harry getting spanked in an earlier chapter. Please be warned, a similar punishment is in store for Harry in this chapter. As you can tell from the title of the chapter, this is the tale of the Whomping Willow incident from Chamber of Secrets. It was a pretty seriously stupid thing to do… we've established that although Severus is a loving, caring, and involved parent, he can be quite stern when it comes to Harry making stupid mistakes that he very much knows better than to do. This situation is no different. As to the method of punishment – I have no idea if this method is common in Britain or America – but in Canada, where I grew up, I had a friend who was dodging this particular punishment from his Mummy well into his twenties…

Grand Theft Auto

'All we've got to worry about now are aeroplanes,' said Ron.

They looked at each other and started to laugh… 'And helicopters,' Harry added between guffaws.

'And Post Owls…'

It was the most amazing way to travel, thought Harry as they sailed through the clouds, dipping below the cloudcover to check their course with the train every so often (the invisibility booster had failed after the first few minutes so they decided to 'hide' above the clouds as much as possible). They sat back relaxing and enjoying the trip, snacking on the toffee they found in the glove compartment and cracking jokes… but after they'd been in the air for an hour or two, the fun started to wear off. It was hot, and sticky, and eating all that toffee left them feeling uncomfortably thirsty.

Worse, as the silence lengthened Harry began to think more and more on just how wise it had been to take Mr. and Mrs. Weasley's car and fly it to Hogwarts…

'Fred and George are going to die when they see us arrive in this!' Ron said cheerfully, interrupting Harry's musings. 'Where do you think we should land? Right on the front lawn? Or would that be too obvious?'

'No way!' Harry groaned. 'I think we should just try and land near Hogsmede station, hope no one spots us doing it, and try and catch up with everyone getting off the train and take the carriages to the school with everyone else!'

'But,' Ron said, aghast. 'Were's the fun in that?!'

'The fun is in not getting murdered by my Dad…' Harry stopped when the car gave a loud clunking sound. 'What was that?'

'Uh-oh…' Ron muttered, looking wildly around at all the gauges. 'Uhh…' The car began sputtering angrily, losing altitude. 'This isn't good…'

'Wait! Over there – it's the castle. Hurry, get us down,' Harry called, pointing to their left.

Ron jerked the wheel, but the car was no longer responding, and Ron said several words that Harry was quite sure he wouldn't have said if Mrs. Weasley had been within earshot for fear of a soapy mouth charm or two. Pulling out his wand, Ron began frantically banging it on the dash, shouting random commands to the car: 'STOP!', 'UP', 'SLOW DOWN!', 'LEFT', 'UP UP UP!!!' But to no avail. The car seemed to have a given up, and giving one last sputter, the engine finally died. 'Oh, no, oh, no…' Ron muttered, shaking the steering wheel violently. Pulling with all his might, and shouting command after command at the car – they barely cleared the lake next to the castle, still descending rapidly. For a brief moment, Ron relaxed, thinking they were out of danger, until Harry started yelling.

'No! Turn! Turn! We're going to hit the Whomping Wil—' he didn't finish before they did, indeed hit a massive tree on a part of the grounds that Ron had never been to before.

The car stopped abruptly, but they were both intact and Ron started to smile, until he noticed: 'My wand!' he cried. 'My wand! Oh, no! What am I—' but again, his cries were cut off by Harry yelling DUCK an instant before a large – it could only be a limb of the tree – came bursting through the window.

'Reverse! Reverse!' Harry was screaming, banging on the dash himself now. 'Ron! Reverse! This tree hits back!!'

'But…' Ron started to remind Harry that the engine had died, when it abruptly roared back to life. 'REVERSE!!' both boys shouted at once, and the car shot backwards, out of the reach of the still flailing tree.

'Whew, that was close…' Ron's relief was again short-lived when the doors flew open and he and Harry found themselves flung unceremoniously, along with their luggage and familiars, from the car. Before Ron could even get back on his feet, the doors slammed shut, and the car drove away, its horn blasting rudely as it sped toward the forbidden forest. 'My Dad's car…' he said in a shocked whisper as he watched it disappear. 'He's going to kill me…'

'Come on,' Harry sighed, nursing a split-lip. 'We may as well see if we can't still make it up to the Great Hall before the feast…' he said, though secretly, he doubted it. Even if, by some freak chance, no one had seen them crash, the damage to the tree was sure to be noticed… not to mention his split-lip, and the rather spectacular bruise already starting to form under Ron's right eye…

'Where's Snape?' Ron said, peering through the crack between the doors to the Great Hall once they'd dragged their belongings into the entrance hall. 'Sorry Harry,' he added to Harry's scowl. 'You do know that you're about the only person in the school who likes that overgrown…'

'Ron!' Harry glared at him. 'He is my Dad!'

'Ergh,' Ron scowled. 'That is just so weird…'

'Look!' Harry changed the subject quickly. He loved Ron like a brother. He was his best friend, but he hated getting into arguments with him about their potions master – his Dad. 'The first years are coming in.' Ron, true to form didn't take the hint and accept the change of subject though.

'I wonder where he's got to? Maybe he got sacked!'

'Ron!' Harry started to scold him only to be overpowered by an all too familiar voice behind him.

'Or maybe, he's been waiting to find out why you two didn't arrive on the train with everyone else.'

'Dad…' Harry's explanation was cut off by a deadly glare.

'Come with me – both of you.' Harry hung his head guiltily as he and Ron tried to keep up. 'Sit,' he ordered in a deadly voice once they'd reached his office.

'Dad…' Harry began again, but his father cut him off.

'Where is the car?' Ron looked like he was about to pass out at this question.

'Th- the c-car?' Harry stuttered.

'You were spotted!' Both boys jumped at the anger in his voice as he thrust a copy of the Daily Prophet, special edition, in their faces.

'Dad, the barrier – at the station, it wouldn't let us in, so we had to…'

'The barrier wouldn't let you in?!' he demanded incredulously.

'Dad, I swear! It wouldn't let us in! And we had to get here – um, and I didn't want you to worry, so we…'

'Not worry?! Why would I worry when I heard you weren't on the train? Why would I worry when you weren't among the students at the feast?' A vein was throbbing on his forehead, an indicator to Harry at least, of how angry he was. Ron just sat there, jaw hanging open in horror. 'I can't deal with this,' Severus growled suddenly. 'Your head of house will have to deal with the school aspect of this idiocy. Stay here. Do not step one inch out of this office until we return. Is that understood?'

'Yes, sir,' Harry muttered, looking down.  'Ron, close your mouth,' he added to his friend when he hadn't moved, still sitting slack-jawed several minutes later.

'Harry,' he groaned. 'We are so dead! We're expelled for sure…'

'Ron, calm down!' Harry said leaning back. 'I don't think we'll get expelled. Detention until we graduate perhaps,' he sighed. 'And my Dad is going to murder me… but other than that…' He stopped talking, for at that moment, his father had returned with his head of house, and the headmaster in tow.

'Tell me why you have done this thing?' Dumbledore demanded gravely. Harry wanted to die right there, but he steeled himself to reply and explain about the barrier not letting them in.

'Was your owl not with you?!' Minerva demanded. Harry blanched – he hadn't thought of sending Ruby.

'I didn't think…'

'Well, that much is certain,' Severus snapped.

'I'm sorry!' Harry said desperately.

After a moment of awkward silence, Ron seemed to find his voice. 'Are we expelled?'

Harry looked nervously up at his father for his reaction to the question, but it was Dumbledore who answered.

'Not today boys,' he said, giving them a very hard look over his glasses. 'But I must impress on you the seriousness of your actions. Get into trouble again, and you will be expelled. Is that quite clear?' Both boys nodded stupidly. 'Mr. Weasley, I will be writing a letter to your parents as well. Harry, that obviously won't be necessary in your case, but a formal reprimand will be put into your record. Now,' he said, rising. 'I leave you in the capable hands of your head of house. Severus, let's head back up to the feast. There's a lemon tart I had my eyes on.'

'Harry, I want a word with you before you go to your dormitory this evening.' Severus said with a dark look before Dumbledore managed to drag him out of his office.

'Yes, sir,' Harry called to his retreating back, knowing he was in for it.

'Now, boys, about your punishments…'  Professor McGonagall began, but Harry, on an inspiration cut her off.

'Auntie Minnie, when we took the car, school hadn't started yet…' he gulped. 'So Gryffindor shouldn't really lose points – should it?' For a brief moment Harry was sure that she was trying to suppress a smile before she affected a very serious glare.

'However, school is now in session, Mr. Potter,' she said pointedly, and Harry realized that he'd accidentally addressed her by his childhood name for her – something quite forbidden as a student.

'I'm sorry!' he gasped.

'Five points from Gryffindor for the cheeky address of a teacher. But you're right.' She was definitely trying to suppress a slight smile now. 'No points will be taken for your actions earlier today. However, you will each serve a detention.'

'Yes, professor,' they both chimed.

'You will eat in here and then Mr. Weasley, make your way directly to your dormitory, and Harry, to your father's rooms. Directly, understood?'

'But professor,' Ron asked as she conjured a plate of sandwiches. 'I wanted to see my sister getting sorted.'

'The sorting is over,' she said heading for the door. 'And your sister is in Gryffindor. Good evening boys.'

'Whew,' Ron sighed loudly when she'd gone. 'I thought we were gonners there mate,' he said as he grabbed a sandwich and dug in.

Harry, though, was not feeling relieved. 'He's going to kill me,' he muttered miserably, thumping his head down on the desk. 'Dead, Ron,' he groaned. 'I'm dead. You are sitting here next to a dead boy.'

'Oh, cheer up Harry,' Ron said thickly through a mouthful of sandwich. 'My Mum is going to murder me too when she gets that letter, but you don't see me worrying.'

'That's because your Mum isn't here!' Harry cried. He knew that Mrs. Weasley could be just as frightening as his Dad, but the fact remained that she would have had time to calm down before Ron had to meet her face to face again, while he, Harry, would not have that luxury. 'Listen, I'm not hungry, I'm going to head to my room.'

'Do you think he's going to be really angry? I mean, he's not going to murder you, is he?'

'No, Ron,' Harry said sarcastically. 'He's going to be really pleased – probably buy me a new broom.' He snorted, rolling his eyes. 'We stole a car, Ron. An illegally charmed car… we flew it across Britain!…' Harry sighed, running his hands roughly through his hair. 'Yeah, murder sounds about what I should expect… Listen,' he turned to Ron. 'I'm going to stay the night up there – I'm not going to be in any mood to hear people asking what happened after he's done screaming at me alright?'

'You sure Harry?' Ron asked, concerned.

'Yeah,' he looked distractedly around the room. 'Everyone will be badmouthing him… He's really not so bad you know. It's mostly just an act for the students.'

'I know, Harry,' Ron said kindly. He knew how much it bothered his friend that everyone hated Snape. Mind you, the man really was a total bastard to most of the Gryffindors… But Ron had to remind himself that to his friend Harry, he was something else – his Dad. Not his 'real' Dad, everyone knew that James Potter and his wife Lily had been murdered. But to Harry, the nasty potions teacher was Dad – had been since the boy-who-lived had been two.

'I guess I may as well head up to Gryffindor tower,' Ron said, grabbing several sandwiches. 'Everyone'll be heading up there soon and I won't know the password if I don't arrive with them. See you in the morning mate.'

'Yeah,' Harry replied. 'Will you tell them that I'm staying in my old room tonight? And tell them that it's not because he's making me – in fact, he may make me go up to the dormitory. There might be a rule about me sleeping there when school is in… I'm not sure…'

'Don't worry, Harry,' Ron patted him on the back as they headed out of the office and Harry closed the door. 'I'll tell everyone.'

Half an hour later, Harry was in his childhood room in the Hogwarts teacher's wing, sifting through a pile of parchments on his desk for the homework he'd left behind when he'd gone to the Burrow. He was so wrapped up in trying to find his homework, that he hadn't noticed that his father had returned to their apartments and was leaning on the doorframe to his room until he spoke.

'I already sent them up to your dorm room along with everything else.'

'Dad!' he cried, jumping about three feet. 'You gave me heart failure – I didn't hear you come in.'

'Did you eat?' Severus asked simply, coming into the room to sit in the squashy armchair next to the bed.

'No,' Harry replied quietly, wondering why he was beating about the bush and hadn't started yelling at him yet. 'Auntie Minnie conjured us some sandwiches in your office, but I wasn't hungry…'

'Ah,' he put his elbows on the arm of the chair, templing his fingers under his chin. 'A case of guilty stomach is it?'

'Dad, I'm really sorry…'

'Hmm, yes.' He gave him a hard look. 'What is sorry?'

'Not as good as not doing something I know I shouldn't in the first place.' Harry knew the answer to that question very well. His father lectured him on that every time he got into trouble. 'But Dad, we didn't mean…'

'Who charmed the car to fly?'

'Um, Ron's Dad…' he confessed. 'But he didn't know we would take it and he certainly never told us we could…'

'Clearly,' Severus interrupted him icily. 'He could lose his job over this you know? He'll almost certainly be fined. How well do you think the Weasley's can afford that?'

'Not very well, sir,' Harry looked down to the floor, feeling extremely guilty. 'Do you think I should...'

'You will not insult them by trying to buy this off for them,' he cut him off with a harsh voice. 'He knew the risks when he charmed the car. Now you have to live with the guilt of costing them more than they will likely be able to comfortably afford.'

'Dad, I…'

'Why don't you ever think, boy?!' he barked so suddenly that Harry jumped, taking a step back. 'I suppose you thought it'd be terribly clever to arrive in such grand fashion? That everyone would cheer over the hilarious prank?'

'No, sir,' Harry pleaded, forgetting for a moment that he and Ron had indeed imagined what it would be like to arrive and have everyone be amazed. 'Dad, I told you, the barrier…'

'Do I look amused?!' Severus yelled further, ending any further excuses from Harry.  'Well I'm not! The barrier, indeed. Why wouldn't it let you through? There's no reason for it not to! But even if it did malfunction and block you and Ron,' he added, standing up and towering over Harry to stop his son's protest. 'That's still no reason to pull such an unbelievably foolish stunt!!'

'Dad, I…' But Severus had lost his temper, and without consciously deciding to do it he'd summoned a slipper into his hand and Harry found himself quite suddenly spun around by this father's grip to receive several smart whacks on the behind.

Harry fought himself to not cry as his father walloped him with the slipper. It had been some time since Severus had last spanked him – the last time being the infamous dragon smuggling incident during his last school year…

'I know you're sorry!' Severus yelled, when he'd finished, throwing the slipper aside. 'I know you didn't think…'

Harry turned back around, biting his lip, his hands straying to cover his stinging bottom and his eyes moist with unshed tears to face his father.

'But you have to stop being sorry after you do foolish things and start THINKING BEFORE you do these things! You're getting closer to making the kinds of mistakes that can't be fixed Harry.' He fixed him with his most serious look. 'This was big, Harry. Do you even realize how big this would have been if you'd been caught by the ministry illegally flying a stolen, illegally charmed car across Britain?!'

'I'm sorry Daddy, I'm sorry,' Harry muttered, a few tears falling down his cheeks, until Severus quite suddenly pulled him into a tight hug.

'What am I to do with you?' Severus sighed, running a hand through his son's hair. 'You had me so worried, Harry! When you weren't on the train… I didn't know what to think…' 

The two talked for some time after that – about what an abysmally foolish thing Harry'd done, about the consequences, how worried Severus had been, and finally about more happy things such as Quidditch and Harry's week at the Weasley's. Finally, when Harry started yawning repeatedly, Severus quickly healed the split-lip Harry'd gotten from the tree and chivvied him off to bed.

'Harry,' Severus called as his son headed to his room. 'I love you.'

'Love you too, Dad,' Harry smiled. 'Good night.'

*****

'Where is he?' Minerva demanded, several hours later when Severus opened the apartment door and let her in.

'He's asleep,' he replied groggily. 'And so was I Minerva! It's the middle of the night.'

'Why isn't he in his dormitory?' she demanded, advancing on him. 'What did you do to him that he can't come back to his dormitory? You can't…'

'The fact that you will insist on always assuming the worst of me, is quite annoying, Minerva,' he snapped.  'He told me that he told his friend Ron to let everyone know that he would be spending the night in his old room – because he didn't want to return to his dorm tonight. We were talking rather late anyway, and I thought it best not to send him wandering through the halls, especially as he didn't know the password to get into his common room anyway.'

'Dad?' Both professors spun to look at the groggy, dishevelled form emerge from Harry's room, clad only in his underpants. 'Wha's goin' on? I heard voices…?' His eyes suddenly widened with shock when they focused enough to notice Minerva there. With a muffled scream of embarrassment, he bolted back into his room.

'As you can see,' Severus smirked, grinning slightly at Harry's obvious embarrassment. 'He's perfectly fine – in fact, there's not much more of him you could possibly see.'

'Auntie – er, I mean Professor McGonagall?' Harry re-emerged a moment later with a bathrobe on. 'What are you doing here? Is something wrong?'

'She came to check up on why you didn't go to your dorm,' Severus answered in a closed voice.

'Didn't Ron…?'

'He did,' she answered awkwardly. 'It's just…'

'She wanted to make sure I hadn't disembowelled you for potions ingredients.'

'Oh,' Harry said uncomfortably, looking from his father to his head of house. 'No, professor, no disembowelling… I – just didn't want to get into any arguments, so I decided to stay here tonight. I'm sorry, I thought it'd be ok as long as I warned people not to be looking for me… do I have to go up to the dorm?'

'No,' she sighed. 'I suppose not – but what do you mean you didn't want to get into any arguments?'

Harry hugged his arms around himself, looking awkwardly from his father to his head of house before replying. 'You'll just get angry…' But with a pointed look from her he gave in. 'He caught us,' he nodded to his father. 'He brought you and Professor Dumbledore down on us…'

'Ah,' she said, suppressing a grin. 'I see…'

'It has to be rather uncomfortable for him to have to defend their 'greasy git' of a potions teacher…' Severus said, and Minerva was definitely grinning now. 'Stuck between going along with his housemates – and telling the truth…' He reached over and mussed Harry's already rumpled hair. 'That they got themselves into trouble…' Harry's crimson blush was clearly visible, even in the low light of their apartment.

'So can I go back to bed Auntie Minnie? Or do I have to…' he flinched, realizing what he'd called her again. 'Sorry… professor…'

'It's alright, Harry,' she smiled reassuringly. 'As it's here in your apartments, and I've woken you in the middle of the night, I can hardly expect you to be too formal. Goodnight gentlemen,' she smiled again. 'See you at breakfast.'

TBC

I decided to go ahead and remove the appendix from ff.net – moving the chapters around has just been too messy – getting mixed up so often… Never fear though! It still exists for those interested – an updated version will appear on my site in the next few days (sorry, it's one of those free sites so there are ads – no pop-ups so far though – I'm still trying to decide if it's worth getting a pay site in the future)