Murdoc had been smacked up silly by the bad-luck faerie's whip.

At least four times.

In the last day.

He really didn't even want to think about the past month(-ish).

Life, generally, had really been fairly good to the man with the mismatched eyes. At least considering that he had done his best to make life a living Hell for most of those around him, anyway. His band was successful, women flocked to him, he was badass with a bass guitar, and could beat all of Ireland in a drinking game.

Which was saying something.

But it seemed that lately, his luck had gone strait to the Hell he'd been serving for the majority of his life.

For fuck's sake, what had he ever done?

Well. Let's just not answer that one, shall we.

But in any case, even Murdoc wouldn't wish what he had endured upon anyone else. It was just too disconcerting and horrific and damn, did he wish he had access to the same pills as Two Dents.

That one broad blowing chunks all over him two or so weeks ago had only been the beginning of his misery. He'd had nightmares about that ever since, to be sure, the sickly feeling of hot, sticky mess covering his abdomen and his dick haunting him even in his waking hours.

But that was nothing to what had happened a few days later.

He'd met a beautiful Asian girl, who'd said she was born in Korea and raised right at home in the United Kingdom. She was about twenty-four or so, and had had the most enchanting eyes, large and dark, long lashes beckoning to him as they sat drinking in a red-lit corner of Tantra, Muds's usual scene.

So of course he'd taken her back to the 'bago, absolutely oozing that dark charm he was so famous for. And everything was going absolutely peachy; she made a kiss feel like sex and had some of the prettiest tits.

Too bad she had a dick as well.

Not that he would ever tell anyone, but the minute she whipped that bad boy out, Murdoc had fainted dead away. Out cold. In the black.

When he woke up, his pants were down around his ankles, he was face down on the floor of his kitchen, his ass hurt, and an empty syringe was lying conspicuously next to his head.

Murdoc himself thought it kind of ironic that he was date-raped by an attractive Asian she-male.

Damn. Bloody Hell.

My name is Murdoc Niccalls, and I'm a rape victim.

He remained drunk by himself inside his Winnebago pondering his sexuality for the next three days, before he decided to telephone 'Soo-yuun,' if only to give him/her a piece of his mind.

It was the number to the Morgue.

Murdoc wasn't sure whether he should be insulted our whether he should laugh about it.

But his red eye now had this irritating little twitch to it, and he felt a bit like he was going mad.

All that aside, Murdoc really didn't think that things could get any worse; after all, once one has hit bottom, there's really nowhere to go but up, is there? So, as any good optimistic Satanist would do, he said his hail Satans every night before bed, insulted everyone more than usual, drank twice what he would normally, and, just for good measure, took a piss in 2D's underwear drawer one night.

But fuck, two nights ago, he had, quite literally, been shit all over.

He was now considering abstinence. And that was really saying something.

-------------------------twilight zone theme song: initiating semi-flashback sequence--------------------------

"'Ello, love. Wot's a girl like you doin' sittin' alone in the corner away from the scene?"

Oh, fateful meetings. How he wished he'd tucked his tail between his legs and run away. Or buried his head in the sodding sand. Something, shit.

She'd smiled at him, looking him up and down before licking her lips and responding, "Waiting for a man like you to come buy me a drink and show me something really fun."

He'd raised his eyebrows. Score, he had a slut who wasn't completely shit-faced (and thus would not repeat his first unfortunate experience). She also didn't have a purse, another plus, because perhaps this time he wouldn't get drugged and raped.

He didn't know if she was a man, but he was eager enough to get some normal ass that he gave her the benefit of the doubt.

They'd sat drinking and flirting for about half an hour when she decided she'd had enough getting-to-know you time and ran her hand high up his thigh, leaning in and whispering in his ear:

"If you get me out of here right now, I'll let you fuck me seven ways from Sunday," she paused, licked his ear, and added as an after thought, "You can put it anywhere."

Murdoc didn't have a devil and an angel for a conscience. He just had two devils. Who'd jumped for joy upon hearing those five little words. Muds liked it kinky, and apparently so did this lovely little creature.

So he'd had a joyful time screwing this girl on a secluded cliff in the Geep, and she'd been a wonderful lay, absolutely everything he'd needed for the past week.

Then she'd turned to him and said, "I want you from behind."

Murdoc wasn't selfish when it came to sex, so he'd obliged, pulling out the handy-dandy lube he kept hidden under the driver's seat, and giving himself and her rear a good coat before going at it.

And lord, had he gone at it.

And then he'd pulled out a bit hard, heard an odd suction noise (like a soft... "pooh!"), before the strangest, most sickeningly familiar sensation came over him.

There was a lot of warm, sticky, messyness on his crotch and abdomen.

Aw. Fuck.

The stench of shit and lube filled his nostrils, and before she could turn around and ask him what was wrong, he'd vomited all over her back.

He'd pushed her out of the car, thrown her clothes at her, and sped off as quickly as he could, feeling more and more disgusting by the minute.

He'd arrived at Kong, Geep ruined and reeking, and stumbled dazedly towards his Winnie to catch a much-needed shower. And then he'd seen Noodle standing distractedly outside of 2D's door.

Murdoc wasn't nearly sneaky enough.

She'd turned around, took one look at his half-naked, shit and vomit covered form, and asked simply, "Bad night?"

He'd nodded slightly.

"Want me to take care of the Geep?"

He nodded again, before secluding himself in his Winnebago.

When he'd woken up in the morning, the Geep was clean. He didn't ask Noodle about it, but simply did something he very rarely ever did.

He gave her a hug, and told her he owed her one.

And that if she ever mentioned it he'd set her room on fire.

He was only half-joking.

-------------------------twilight zone theme song: ending semi-flashback sequence--------------------------

Seriously. How much more would he have to endure before things got back to normal? In any case, he definitely owed Noodle-girl a favor.

If only he'd known how much he would grow to regret that fact.

Meanwhile, as Murdoc reminisced about his unfortunate run-ins, a certain singer sat in an alcohol and codeine induced relaxation enjoying his very favorite zombie flick with a very beautiful, rather intoxicated teen wrapped around him.

His muscles may have been relaxed and numbed, but damn if he was sweating like a whore in church. Noodle had teared up during perhaps the most violent and disgusting scene of the whole movie; the birth and subsequent death of the zombie-baby by its zombie-mother.

She was on her fifth beer at this point, and had crawled between 2D's legs and sat down, facing the telly, her arms wrapped around her legs.

"S'awright, Noods, remember s'not real..." he very loosely wrapped his arms around her, giving her a gentle squeeze, beginning to feel a bit guilty for making her watch the movie in the first place.

"It's just so... tragic. All the man wanted was to create the family that he'd never had. To make his mark in the world through his child, and that opportunity was taken from him in such a horrible way." Noodle broke off, sighing deeply before relaxing against 2D, blushing at their closeness and enjoying his scent.

She often wondered just what it was that made him smell of butterscotch, anyway.

"I know it's sad, but wot they're really tryin' t'say by doin' that is that fate doesn't spare anyone," he paused speculatively as the movie continued in front of them. "Death an' sickness are blind t'race, background, hopes, an' dreams. All the prejudices people have don' really matter in nature, we've jus' blinded ourselves tha' way because we like to make things complicated. S'quite silly really."

Blink.

Blink.

So it wasn't the deepest thing anyone has ever said. But coming from 2D, Noodle was impressed.

Maybe Noodle should start putting subliminal messages into his zombie movies. Perhaps that way he would start to think a bit more.

"That's quite an interesting way of putting it, 2D-san. I didn't quite realize that; I suppose I have not looked deeply enough into the movie."

Damn. Zombie movies weren't supposed to be all satirical of society in such a twisted way. Guess times change.

As the movie went on, tension rose not only in the film, but also in the room. The knot that had formed in 2D's stomach when Noodle had settled between his legs grew even more tense as she finished her last beer, leaned back against him, and had covered his hands in her own, squeezing them tightly as the characters on the screen drove desperately to get to the pier away from the hordes of blood-thirsty zombies.

Noodle could feel her heart beating quickly, her eyes slightly hazy from her drunken state, her excitement mounting as the movie approached its climax. She wriggled in anxiety, only partially conscious of the way that she was moving against a 2D who was becoming more and more uncomfortable by the minute.

This was bloody fucking torture! She was practically dry-humping him through without even realizing it, rubbing that delicious little bum of hers against his groin her hands digging into his own in excitement, her teeth worrying her plump bottom lip gently as she watched the movie.

Oh. Fuck.

Fuck, fuck, fuckitty fuck fuck fuck.

A familiar warmth pooled between his legs.

One eye squinted as he bit his lip, concentrating on anything but Noodle pressed against him, all hope of focusing on the movie completely lost.

Nothing short of an actual zombie coming into his room could have shaken him from the mantra repeating in his head.

'I won't I won't I won't I won't I shouldn't bloody fuck I can't... CHRIST I must be drunk... I won't I won't I won't...'

The movie ended, and Noodle hopped up, rather gracefully, considering her state, and switched off the DVD player before turning to him.

"Could I borrow something to sleep in? I don't really want to walk through the carpark to my room to get something... The ending kind of put me off a bit..."

Her eyes darted quickly to the door in slight fear before looking pleadingly at 2D.

Damn her innocent little face.

Clapping to turn on his overhead light, 2D quickly got up from the bed, stumbled over to Noodle, patted her on the head, and said, "Sure love. Grab a tee from the second drawer down, should fit ya nicely."

She looked at him hard for a moment.

Well, she was a little braver when she was drunk.

"2D-san, may I ask a favor of you?"

He blinked at her.

"Wot is it, Noodle-girl?"

She stared at him and said, flatly, "I'm not ten anymore, but I feel like I am when you treat me like I am. I really don't like being patted on the head."

She breathed out.

She winced a bit on the inside. That had sounded a bit mean. 2D stared at her, bewildered for a moment before smirking a bit, a look that he didn't wear very often.

"I know you're no little girl anymore, Noods," He said quietly. She tensed, unsure of his intentions, but silently hoping that she was about to live out one of her fantasies in real life. "But tha' doesn't mean I can't still lick ya!"

And without warning he'd knocked her onto his bed, pinning her down by straddling her stomach and forcing her arms beneath his knees, keeping them down with his weight.

He began tickling her mercilessly in her most sensitive area by running his fingers lightly across the place where her neck met her shoulders and chest.

She cried out between hysterical laughs, tears pouring down her face, "2D! 2D-san!" But she couldn't seem to get out the rest between breaths.

It was at this point that he noticed her nipples saying hello to him through her shirt.

And suddenly the situation wasn't innocent at all.

His fingers ceased their movement as he stared down at her, taking in the gooseflesh that had risen across her neck, and the flush of her cheeks due to her exertion in fighting him off.

God, she was beautiful.

He wanted to kiss her so bad...

"2D-san? Are... are you okay?"

Worried green eyes looked into his questioningly.

Fuck, when had his hand moved to her face? He scrambled off of her quickly, running off into the bathroom, calling, "I gotta take a pee!"

She sat up, staring at the shut door, confused beyond confusion.

Had he just almost kissed her?

A/N: Damn this thing is moving slowly. I know, some of the things that happened to Murdoc are downright gross, but damn if they're not funny. Hahaha, I like messin' with him. I figured it was time for his comeuppance to make an appearance anyway... Don't worry though, Muds will get his love in due time, in due time... This chappy is slightly longer due to my absence, but hopefully it was okay... probably not as funny slapstick as the other chapters, but things are starting to get a bit more serious.

By the by, if you haven't seen the '04 Dawn of the Dead, watch the shit out of it. It's fucking amazing.

Next on Escapades: I swear to you Russel will make an appearance. Noodle's eighteenth b-dizzle is coming up as well, and now that she is legal to go clubbing, that is exactly what she plans to do. Jealousy arises. Noodle will eventually ask Muds for that favor. 2D is so horny he's bound to make a mistake sometime soon... but will he regret it?

I have such a dirty, dirty little mind.