4

Nobody could help. Nobody could. Preston Burke made sure Cristina had gone before he opened his eyes again, those eyes that were still burning from his vigorous attempt to hold his tears. He missed the intimacy in their relationship and was searching for signs of affection in her eyes. All he seemed to see, unfortunately, were clouds of fear. Those were not expressions he yearned for; those were images he vowed to avoid.

Anything that reminded him of his disability frightened him. Sometimes he fancied the tremors were only a result of fear, although as a surgeon he knew better. He knew he would be able to operate again. He just knew. But would he still be as perfect as he was? Anything less than perfect was mediocre. He had come to a full appreciation of why his music hero Eugene Foote would rather die than to play defective music.

"Dr. Burke," Bailey entered the room without knocking. "Where's Cristina?"

"She left."

"Don't let me catch her today. Running away without bringing me coffee." Bailey could see the sadness in Burke's eyes and the most she could do was to ignore it.

Burke was grateful that Bailey did not ask how he was doing, because everything was not fine and he would rather bit his tongue than spit out the word "fine" once more. "You know, Dr. Bailey, Cristina can't be trusted around coffee. She's probably gulped down yours by now."

"When I see her again I'll hand her to the kitchen staff. I figure it'll do her some good working there."

"You seem pretty determined to have Cristina burn down this hospital or give your other interns lots of food-poisoning cases to play with." It struck Burke that he could still crack jokes about his girlfriend. Clearly, nobody had told him that a sense of humor and sarcasm was normal even among clinically depressed patients.

"Then we could all have a nice summer vacation," Bailey smiled gently before she moved on. "That girl is gonna miss you when you're gone."

Burke laced his fingers across his chin.

"I'll keep an eye on her. You have fun in Alabama and come back in one piece. You're arrogant but Jackie Ames is worse."

"Should I take that as a compliment?" Burke felt that the weight in his heart lifted momentarily as he rolled his eyes.

Outside the hospital, the heaviness of the heart was drowning Cristina's spirits. Her heart was beating like a hammer on a wall waiting to be pulled down. Even Bailey's cup of Caramel Macchiato failed to elevate her mood. Before she realized, she was already done with half of what she got at the convenience store.

"Cristina, you're smoking!"

"So what, Bambi? If you're worried about yours lungs, then go away." The combination of nicotine and caffeine was making Cristina jittery.

"Does Dr. Burke know? He doesn't seem to like smokers."

"Mind your own business." Blowing another mouthful of smoke into the air, Cristina continued, "You think he's the only one who's in the dark? You think I'm the one who's hiding things? You know there're a whole lot of things I don't know either."

"Like what?"

"For example, that Prada devil was his mentor, not his mom."

"Oh."

"And, he's going home to his Mama tomorrow." Cristina shook her head in denial.

"Well, Cristina, maybe you never asked; maybe all you ever talked about with Dr. Burke was Medicine."

"Oh, you're SO right. Has anyone told you how insightful you are?" Finishing the last mouthful of her cigarette, Cristina replied with a scorn. "You know, that Prada devil is gonna think that we're all inept interns who date their boss and dying patient."

"Cristina! Meredith and Izzie are your friends."

"For the record, Meredith slept with McDreamy again. I don't think she'll ever learn. I'm tired of it."

"What?" Anyone who knew George would tell him his jealousy was unwarranted.

"And Izzie? Don't we know for a fact that she loved that guy so much that she killed him and her own career? They should have locked her up," Cristina squeezed the cigarette butt into the empty coffee cup. "Barbies should never work at hospitals."

"You're mean, Cristina. I don't like you."

"I don't like me either." Only yesterday, Cristina told the Chief she had lost her edge and was beginning to show loyalty to her fellow interns. In less than 24 hours, her nasty manners reigned again. The fury in her escalated as her remorse grew. She stopped and kicked the coffee cup off the ground.

The cup rolled forward until it entered the visual field of Bailey. Looking at the cup on the ground, Bailey grunted, "Yang, you drank my coffee?"

Moving a step closer, Bailey sniffed at her intern, holding her nose with two fingers. "Oh my dear lord! How long have you been chain-smoking here? Go and wash away that disgusting smell before you get close to any patients again. I don't want you to trigger asthma attacks everywhere you go."

"Yes, Dr. Bailey." Cristina picked up her trash and vanished in no time, leaving George with Bailey.

"O'Malley, the last time I checked, you don't have a wife who yelled at you in front of an animated hospital crowd, you don't have a dying niece, a broken shoulder, a dead lover, not even a dead dog. So, for heaven's sake, why are you standing here looking like it's the end of the world?"

"Nothing, Ma'am."

"Call me Dr. Bailey. Stop acting like I'm your mother. When Cristina is done, tell her to go home. I don't want her here today, or tomorrow. I can't risk anyone's life when my intern isn't her usual self."

"Cristina seems fine," George replied. With her usual stinging remarks, he added silently to himself.

"Are you stupid? How could one be fine when her lover is shot and lying there helpless? It has taken so much out of that girl."

George nodded without believing. Cristina was arrogant and biting. She seemed a little withdrawn the night before, quiet. But George knew she had not visited Burke as often as he did. What sort of a girlfriend would leave her injured boyfriend unattended? George wondered.

"You think it's easy to be stone-cold all the time? Cristina isn't Meredith or Izzie. She doesn't cry and break down every other day but that doesn't mean she doesn't have her moments. It's just that they may be so easily overlooked that maybe she herself didn't know either." Bailey remembered the day when she was in labor. Why couldn't George O'Malley be as supportive and understanding as he was last time?

Blinking his eyes a few times as he absorbed every word, George promised, "I'll tell Cristina to go home."