4

Burke placed his hand on his chest to feel the rhythm within. Steady but desolate. The morgue was cold, as was his hands. As the chill moved up his body, the lump in his throat expanded. He did not know why he ended up feeling so alone. He wondered if it was wrong to have denied Cristina a chance to stand by him.

He had not been back to the OR since O'Malley's success. Another week had passed, but it always felt slower than it was at the morgue. Burke thought he was like the cadaver he was practicing his sutures on, both of them unwanted and forgotten by the world. His only company was the vibration beneath his feet, which went on and on—

Until it stopped, bringing his mind to a halt. Before Burke knew it, his feet had transported him to the basement.

"You live here?" Constantly thinking about a person was one thing; actually seeing her again after all these months of separation was another. Either way, Burke was acutely self-conscious when he saw Cristina alone in the basement.

"Yes." Cristina answered coldly.

"It's very clean." There was no trash on the floor, no dirty laundry. In fact, the place was as empty as an actual prison cell.

"Thank you." Cristina made a tight smile and looked away.

For two people who were deeply in love, they surely were spending too much time in anxiety-provoking silence.

"Were you, uh, dancing just now?" Burke hesitantly inquired as Cristina blushed.

"Was I disturbing you?"

"No. I thought I heard something in the morgue whenever I work there."

"You sure it wasn't the cadaver talking to you?"

Burke's lower lip twitched. He missed her humor. "Cristina."

"Yes?" Holding her breath in anticipation of what Burke would say next, Cristina's fingers kept swimming through her curls.

"Your hair looks different."

"In a good way?" Cristina did not know why her tone came out so cold and distant. She speculated that it had to do with her desperate pursuit for her lost edge.

"Cristina."

"Yes?" She could not believe he was doing that again, calling out her name in a way that made her heart ache.

Looking at her earnestly, Burke mumbled her name once more, before holding her in his arms. Ignoring the reluctance on Cristina's face, Burke initiated a kiss, but when their lips were about to meet, she slipped her head onto his shoulder. He held one side of her face and stroked the back of her neck. Looking into the dark, she pushed him away, "I can't lose you twice."

Cristina's voice sounded far away, despite the fact that she was standing right in front of him.

"What do you mean, Cristina?" It felt like adding salt to an open wound.

"If I don't have you, I won't lose you." Cristina took a step back. "I know I wasn't good enough, and I don't think I'll ever be." Cristina's voice trailed off as she prepared herself for an equally unpleasant response.

"I need you, Cristina."

Cristina took a deep breath and stayed as calm and collected as possible, "What exactly am I to you, Burke? A commodity? What makes you think that you could throw me out and then take me back anytime as you please? What do you mean by you need me? I needed you after you were shot. I needed you more than ever, but what did you do?"

"Why would you need me when I was feeble and weak?" Burke was not sure if he understood her anymore, perhaps he never did. "Why would you need a Preston Burke who could not button his own shirt?"

"Stop asking why." Cristina almost shouted at him.

"Why?" That did not make sense at all in Burke's head.

"I don't know." Running her hand across her forehead, Cristina looked into the ceiling. "This isn't biology. It's not like I could tell you I need oxygen because without it my heart would stop beating."

Burke raised his eyebrows. "I was injured. It wouldn't have done you any good to stay." Burke tried to defend himself. "I didn't want to wear you out with my problems.

"But I need to know there's someone who would hold your hand in your sleep, someone who would squeeze your toothpaste for you, button your shirt, make you coffee; someone who would watch you practice your suturing skills and make fun of it... I needed to know that the person I care about is alive and well."

"You actually thought of doing all those?" Burke gasped in the midst of a mixed feeling of bewilderment and awe.

"I have the run away blood in me, but that doesn't mean I don't need to feel needed." Cristina did not expect her eyes would go blurry as she spoke. "You made me fall in love with you, but you didn't let me in when you trapped yourself in your miserable world."

Burke's voice was beginning to throb. "And I suffered."

The short utterance, along with the self-directed anguish on his face, was intensely felt by Cristina. It now occurred to her that the suffering of Burke was as unbearable as her own. It sucked when one could do nothing to help or was not given an opportunity to.

"You know, it's like finally knowing the answer to a difficult medical problem, only to be told that the patient's heart had stopped beating." Cristina tried to sound logical and composed, even though she did not know what she was talking about. "When I finally stepped up, you walked away…I wanted to be there. What's the matter with you that you wouldn't just let me?"

The last question sounded eerily familiar to both of them. Burke's lips parted while Cristina covered her mouth with her hand in shock.

"I don't know." Burke smiled weakly. "I never thought that's such a tough question."

"So, are we breaking up?" Of all the questions she could have asked in the world, this was the most daunting.

"I love you, Cristina."

Those three words echoed in her head, those three mesmerizing yet manipulating words.

Cristina wanted to leave but her knees were weak. There seemed to be a disconnection between her mind and her body. She was paralyzed.

The man in front of her was not the same god-like surgeon she met on day one, but he was still overpowering. Examining every feature on his face, Cristina's lips began to move. "I…do you still want me to be a part of your life?"

It took Burke a few seconds to digest the meaning behind her question. It was funny how she made it sound like it was all up to him when he was expecting her to make up her mind. "Will you?"

Receiving Burke's soulful gaze, Cristina allowed her fingertips to travel to his face before flying back to her own lips in slow motion. Her brain immediately recognized the familiar taste of it. After that, she let her lips be the next explorer, landing perfectly on top of his. It was nothing like their passionate kiss in the past, but there was a soothing quality to it, a feeling that they had known each other for a lifetime.

Cristina rested her head on Burke, savoring the serenity and security she had been craving all her life.

She knows this is where her heart belongs. Whether love would last wasn't something either of them needed to know, because every day and in every way, they were learning and growing together. When the moment came, love would touch their heart.

"I love you too."