No reviews plus biology, geometry and baptism made this update almost a week late. Other than that, enjoy, those of you who read and don't review because you aren't nice to us.
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Luna shouldered her gun and looked out of her bar. It was the next morning, and the zombies were nowhere in site. However, everyone who was supposed to take up residence in hers and Tifa's bar were no where in site, either.
"Hmm…"she muttered. "Death, mayhem, chaos, and zombies." she sighed, and turned to Vincent, who had stayed up all night. However, because he was Vincent, he wasn't tired either.
"You two-" she pointed to Cloud and Vincent, Cloud being a little groggy, though he was ready to fight at any moment- "aren't going to pull one of those 'you-girls-stay-here-while-we-manly-men-take-care-of-this' things, are you?"
Vincent and Cloud looked at each other.
"Well, that had been the plan until a minute ago."
Tifa scoffed at them, pulling on her gloves.
"Y'know, Luna knows more about this than any of us. You can't just make us stay here!"
Luna grinned, rummaged through her pocket, and pulled out a vial.
"Especially seeing as how I have the only known cure for the Syndrome."
Tifa nodded vigorously and said "Yup." Cloud sighed.
"If it weren't for the chest, I wouldn't put up with you."
(Part Two)
One hour earlier…
The fire around Rasputin and Sephiroth flickered back to life, and the zombies began moving again. Rasputin began shooting them again, but he was grinning. He sprouted his wings.
"This must mean he's dead," he said, meaning the zombies and fire.
He rose up and began flying toward Kalm.
Unbeknownst to him but knownst to us, Sephiroth was gone, but in a different fashion. After being shot in the face repeatedly, he had had enough. When he knew Rasputin was no longer looking, he had teleported, hoping the zombies would finish his job.
Now…
Sephiroth had sent his mental feeler throughout the entire planet, and found Cloud in Kalm. He was walking toward it, wishing to conserve his strength until he reached his adversary. He was not even a mile away.
"Now…to find Cloud."
(Part Four)
The group had moved out of the bar, and were walking in the direction that Cloud was sure Sephiroth was coming from.
"Now…" he muttered, "to find Sephiroth."
"Now…" Vincent muttered, "to play a larger role in the story."
(Part Five)
Rude and Rufus stared dumbstruck at Riou as he put away his cannon, which had turned back into a warhammer. The masked man took out his cell phone and dialed Rasputin's number. It rang twice, then the sound of it picking up was heard.
"Raz!…Raz?"
All that was heard was static. He cursed and walked outside. He looked up and saw the airship Highwind landing in front of him. He grinned and jumped over the rail. Rufus smiled and walked down the ramp. Rude grabbed the vending machine (and his zombiefied friend) and tossed it over the rail. Rufus and Riou stared at him and he shrugged. They walked towards the airship.
(Part Six)
"Get outta the way, you damn ninja punk!"
A swing and a miss.
"C'mon, Cid! Everyone's on and I just got my license!"
Another swing. Another miss. Cid growled.
"Pleeeeeeeeeease?" Yuffie had puppy-eyes now, but Cid was used to such things. "Just one test drive?"
"I'll throw you overboard." Cid said calmly. He saw the skeptical look in her eyes. "I will if you don't shut the hell up!"
Yuffie pouted and left the room, passing Rufus and Riou as they entered.
"Where are we heading first?" Rufus asked.
"I say we pick up everyone at the bar, then find Raz." Riou said.
"Fine, fine." Cid said, then muttered "Not even a damn hello…"
(Part Seven)
Rasputin was at that point in time flying towards Kalm. He was also bored, because the flight was taking a while. And what happens when Rasputin Dante Karkaram gets bored? Very ugly things happen. Such as what was happening now.
"I'm Mister White Christmas, I'm Mister Snow!" he sang. "I'm Mister Icicle, I'm Mister Ten Below! They call m-Hey, what's that?"
There was an object flying toward him. It was a large ship, complete with propellers and a half naked woman painted on it. Riou was sitting on the deck, drinking sake. He waved the bottle at Rasputin.
"Hm." Rasputin said to himself. "Tre convenient."
He landed on it as his wings disappeared. He grinned and nodded to Riou. His response was a belch.
"Hey R-hic-Raz!" Riou cried merrily. "Mmmmm….alcohol."
"Why?" Rasputin said, looking at the clouds. "What did I do to you?"
Cloud walked to onto the deck. He stepped over Riou and looked at his other silver-haired friend.
"Rasputin…" he said. "Your hometown…"
"Hey man, I killed Sephiroth!" Raz said, shrugging. "And I hadn't been there in years anyway…"
"You fought Sephiroth?" Cloud said, looking concerned. Rasputin drew his gun and spun it smugly.
"A few shots in the fa-"
"He's still alive." Cloud said, and walked away. Rasputin's smug look melted. At this point, Yuffie decided to show up.
"Hey Rasputin!" she cried. "How's it-"
Rasputin shot her in the face and she fell to the ground, twitching. And there was much rejoicing.
(Part Eight)
Everyone was on the deck. Rufus and Rude were leaning against the wall, discussing the business end of the terrible events of recent. You thought I was gonna say of late? BAM! Surprise! Ahem…Riou was sitting on the rail, Rasputin and Vincent were sulking in the corner, and Cloud was leaning over the rail. Riou sighed.
"It's been a weird couple of days, huh?"
Everyone looked at him strangley. Then, Riou noticed that Cid was sitting cross-legged on the ground, smoking a cigarette.
"Hey Cid?"
"Yeah?"
"If you're here, and Yuffie is dead, who's piloting?"
"…shit."
Riou yelped and grabbed a pole.
"Cid, get your ass to the wheel!"
Cid nodded, got up, slipped, hit his head on the rail, read an EGM, played three games of solitaire and passed out. Vincent, having not moved from his sulk-next-to-the-original-character position, looked over the rail and saw Cosmo Canyon.
"We are accelerating toward Cosmo Canyon with no way to stop ourselves in time before exploding and most likely dying."
"…huh?" Cloud looked dumbfounded. Rasputin decided to elaborate by punching his right fist into his left palm.
"We crash into Cosmo, go boom."
Riou shook his head.
"Man, even I understood that."
(Part Nine)
Luna and Tifa, who had been in the cabin poking Yuffie's dead body and giggling, looked up to see Cid, very disoriented, running toward the wheel.
"Damn damn damn damn damn!" he cried, pushing Luna onto the ground and into a pile of ninja blood.
"Ew!" she cried in horror. "Gross!"
Cid tripped and slammed his head into the window just as the rest of the group ran into the cabin. He slid down, muttering something that sounded a lot like "fucking Hannibal King…". Rasputin grabbed Luna's arm and helped her up.
"I suggest you grab something sturdy." he said. Luna nodded.
(Part Ten)
A small tomcat sat on a rock a mile or so outside the canyon, playing with a mouse. He trapped the creature under his paw, allowed it to run, then began batting it around before it got any distance. The cat was just about to eat the mouse alive when sucked up into the engine of a passing airship and torn to tiny, tiny pieces. The suction merely bounced the mouse onto the deck of the ship.
"Damn!" Cid said again. "Impact in ten seconds!"
Vincent tripped over Yuffie's body and crushed a small creature under his boot. He held it up to his face and saw that it was a mouse.
"Gross…"
Cloud looked like he was on the verge of tears.
"Fight after fight after fight with Sephiroth and a cat's gonna kill me!"
"I've always hated cats…" Rasputin muttered. Riou rolled his eyes, grabbed Luna, and jumped out the window. Everyone stared at this for about two seconds. Then, Vincent and Cid followed the example.
"I am so claiming this was my idea." Rasputin said as he also jumped. Soon, the entire ship was empty, save for a mechanical Irish cat.
"Hey, what's goin'-"
The Highwind overshot Cosmo Canyon and landed in the Ancient Forest. It exploded on impact, and the forest caught fire. Cait Sith died. Reeve, who shouldn't really have been effected by the mechanical death, suffered a fatal heart attack, by which I mean rock to the head, and was no more. And there was much rejoicing.
(Part Eleven)
Riou awoke first, his head throbbing. His already mask impaired vision (he had no peripheral, but he made due) was fuzzy. He was face down in what he hoped was mud, and he was certain at least one bone was broken. Probably his spine. He sat up and shrugged. Nope. Not the spine.
He wiped off the maybe-mud-probably-dung and looked around. Everyone else had landed either on their backs or on their sides. Stupid people. Riou decided that he would kill them all whilst they slumbered. Then he looked again and grinned, peering at Tifa's unmoving form.
"Alright!" he said, crawling over to her. "CPR!"
He leaned down, but before he could lift his mask, he received a fierce kick in the bojangles. For those who don't know, bojangles means testicles. He yelped and fell over. Tifa stood up, along with Cloud and Rasputin. Riou was up in seconds.
"Didn't that hurt?" Cloud asked. Riou shrugged.
"I've built up an immunity." he said, then sighed sadly. "Well, that's about as much eroticism as I'll ever see."
Vincent sat up and patted him on the back.
"You might get lucky…someday."
"Yeah, don't lose hope." Cloud said. Riou's eyes clouded up.
"Thanks guys."
Rufus stood up, looked at the bizarre display, then helped Elana to her feet. After making sure she was alright, he looked over to the rest of the group, now all awake.
"We need to form into groups."
Everyone nodded. Now the dibs calling began.
"I call Vincent!" Rasputin cried.
"Reno." Rude said.
"Tifa's mine." Cloud called.
And the calling of people went on.
"Man…this sucks." Riou said. "I've got Yuffie's body and a dismembered robot…"
Red XII clambered up to the group, eyes wide.
"How did you survive?" he asked. Riou jumped on him.
"I call the tiger!"
Rasputin hit him with his pistol.
"You and I go together at all times, numbskull."
"Kinda like me and Tifa." Luna said, ignoring Red's mutterings of humiliation.
"Red and I shall count as one!" Riou exclaimed.
Tifa was cowering behind Cloud. She glanced at the masked man.
"I don't want to go with Riou." she said. "He scares me."
Cloud patted her shoulders.
"You'll go with Luna and Rude. I need to stay with Riou and Vincent." Cloud said. Then he turned around and saw Reno's reanimated corpse standing up. Then machine was shattered. Rude was staring at him and backing up.
"And we do what about this?" Rufus asked. Rude shrugged and Reno lunged.
"Uh-oh."
Cloud held out a materia and Reno dropped. Everyone gaped at him.
"What?" Cloud said. "I didn't kill him, it's a Sleep materia."
There was collective "Oooooh…." Everyone looked toward the smoking forest. Cosmo was further than that forest, and walking in the open was not a good idea. However, after the group had met Cid for the first time, they had went to Midgar and picked up the truck and motorcycle used to escape the Shinra building.
"Do you think the vehicles are in tact?" Rufus asked. Elana shook her head.
"I doubt it to the point of surety." she said. Rufus raised an eyebrow at her, and she shrugged.
"It can't hurt to check it out." Tifa said. Cloud nodded. Luna shrugged.
"Rufus," Cloud said, "Why don't you, Rude, Riou and I go?"
"Why such a motley crew?" Rufus asked.
"Two from your side and two from ours."
"I thought we were on the same side?" Elana said.
"You're the government types." Cloud said, shrugging. "I'm a delivery boy."
"Which, when you stop to think about it, is really sad." Rasputin decided to interject at this point. "I mean, you were in Shinra, then you were a mercenary, both respectable jobs…and then you deliver packages for below minimum wage. How'd that happen?"
Cloud glared at him. Rasputin wasn't intimidated, but he shut up. He looked around for Riou to say something, but he couldn't find him.
Riou and Rude were already moving. Cloud and Rufus saw this and scrambled to get to them. They walked the short distance to the forest silently. Except for Riou, of course.
"I'm so bored…" he said. "That truck better be in tact."
(Part Twelve)
"So, what do we do for transportation?"
Rasputin's question hung in the air unanswered. Rufus was the one who had found the truck and motorcycle, both better than in tact, but without even a single scratch. Riou had inquired as to how this was possible. Rufus had pointed his shotgun at the masked man.
"My friend Shooty McKillyouinthefacerson says that you don't care." he had said.
Now they stared at the vehicles in wonder. Reno was loaded in the back of the truck, where Red XIII was keeping an eye on him, armed with Sleep. Elana, Luna, and Tifa were all in the front seat of the truck, Rude was in the passenger seat, and Rufus was in the drivers seat. This, however, left only one motorcycle, which could seat a maximum of two people. Vincent, Cloud, Riou and Rasputin were more than two. They were twice as many as two. This created a mathematical problem in the seating arrangement.
"Well…" Rasputin said, "I can fly for a few hours, and Vincent has that…cape…thing."
Riou wandered off into the wreckage as this was pondered. Vincent spoke up first.
"My cape only permits me a maximum of thirty minutes of travel." he said. Rasputin cursed so well that it brought a tear of pride to Cid's eye. Riou retuned carrying two large sheets of metal. He had replaced his mask with a welders mask.
"This can only end in horror." said Luna, and hid behind Tifa, who hid behind Cloud, who uttered a short prayer.
Riou bent down, gave a thumbs up, and took out his warhammer. He hit a button and a torch came out. He put it to the metal, and in minutes, each sheet was in an open dome shape. No one dared ask what was happening. They were afraid of exploding, thanks very much. However, Riou seemed fine. Within a silent twenty minutes, the motorcycle had two sidecars. Riou stood up and took off the welders mask to reveal-
-his other mask.
"How did you manage to see?" Rufus asked. Riou shrugged and danced around the cycles, screaming 'weeeee'.
"How did he even manage that?" Cloud asked. Vincent replied in one of his very rare jokes.
"He's MacGuyver in disguise."
Riou grinned and hopped into the drivers seat.
(End of chapter)
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